Category: grief journey

The Many Facets of Grief

Grief BlessingsLeave a comment

Always moves to repost for whatever reason there is someone out there that needs to hear these words. Much love to you all!

Mal

Grief Blessings's avatarUnimaginable Grief Unexpected Blessings

Sometimes topics come to me in a quick thought, or sometimes by something I have seen or heard but today it was a question someone asked: What are you writing about today? And my response was Pain, suffering, angst, grief & redemption. So here it goes.

The pain of loss is so profound that one cannot explain how it feels. I’ve attempted several times on this blog and in my book to put the pain to words and somehow I don’t think I’ve ever come close. In looking back at some of the poetry and other blog posts I do see the pain very clearly. But still those words – they are just words. They cannot put a speck of meaning to the hole in my heart, in my life and in my future that remains from the loss of my daughter.

The pain resides like a never healing sore…

View original post 468 more words

Grief BlessingsLeave a comment

“In my darkest hour God reached down to me and pulled me out from the mess and lifted me into His lap and cradeled me until I stopped crying. That was when I knew I was going to be ok. Not that I wouldn’t stop feeling the unrelenting pain and absence of my daughter, but that I could go on to fulfill my purpose. – MalMoss”

Www.mysoulspeaks.wordpress.com

October Skies

Grief BlessingsLeave a comment

Cloudy or Sunny

So often I dread October because it’s the month my daughter passed away. I dread what I once loved – the season change bringing in a beautiful landscape of color across the land. Picking out a Halloween costume to wear while handing out candy to trick or treaters. Transitioning into the holidays with Brittany’s birthday and newly fallen snow.

In the early years after my daughter’s death, I saw things very differently. I began to dread October. It became the start of the dark season in my life and I found myself longing for a type of “hibernation” much like a bear does to avoid the long cold winter. I know some of you might resonate with that last statement. I didn’t spend too long there and while October still brings sad memories for me, but I now live in a warm climate and many of the triggers are no longer present. What I see now are palm trees and beaches. Moving to Florida has been good for me. My writing has been more inspired by the beauty of the gulf. The serenity that the waves bring. I find a sense of peace at the beach more than any other place. That has been good for my healing.

Let me explain. I have found that removing myself from some of the memories has been the best decision thus far. Not to say that it would work for others, but for me, understanding how I grieve and how I survive – it works. I have created a special place to honor my girl. It’s all about her and it is fluid like the clear running water of a spring stream. It’s there when I need it to be and while I don’t look at it daily, I know it is there, ever present when I need it to be. It moves with me when I move and stays just outside of my vision. Only when I feel the need to look over, do I see it and feel she is there. This doesn’t work for everyone. Some need that final resting place to go to. Some I know visit the graves of their lost children daily. Her father and I chose to cremate our daughter understanding how much we move about that keeping her with us was the right choice – for us.

During the first couple of years I spend a great deal of time creating a memory scrapbook with pictures of her. I also have created a memory book of the most precious of pictures over her life. I also created a book of poems and art work she created. My family heirloom hope chest protects some of the most treasured items I have left of Britt’s. That is always available when I need to grieve.

When I feel it swell up in my throat to the point that I cannot swallow. I know it’s coming. The symptoms are subtle but they creep up and at some point, I have to acknowledge it. Grief has seasoned me that way. I have learned to respect it. Not saying there is anything about it that is ok. It’s not. But I have learned to move with it, lean into it and at times, all out immerse myself in it.

Grief is and always will be part of my life. It has been the great teacher and mentor of how I live my life now. I live life differently now and it’s because I understand how fragile it is. How often we take it for granted. I respect grief. I allow it to enter my soul and have its way. Then I say enough and I take back my heart and dust off my pain and go to the water where I know my soul speaks. I accept what has happened. Not without questions. I still ask them today. But I, like my daughter, live life to the fullest because that is life. Much like spring. I’ll write about that next time.

Until next time

M

My darkest hour!

Grief BlessingsLeave a comment

In my darkest hour God reached down to me and pulled me out from the mess and lifted me into His lap and cradeled me until I stopped crying. That was when I knew I was going to be ok. Not that I wouldn’t stop feeling the unrelenting pain and absence of my daughter, but that I could go on to fulfill my purpose. – MalMoss

Every Loss Matters

Grief BlessingsLeave a comment

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to hear the words that a child had died and not be propelled back to that fall day in October 2006. Every time a child dies and a parent finds themselves burying their child, I slide back just a little. It never feels right nor should it.

Recently I learned of the passing of childhood friend’s daughter and my heart immediately broke for her. I now know instinctively what that pain feels like. The numbness that follows where you can actually make it through the day. Then shit hits the fan about a week later and you find yourself on your knees more than you are upright.

My heart breaks easier these days. Perhaps that is because it never truly healed from such a devastating loss like a child. And your only child. Profoundly difficult. Not sure how any of us make it through. But we do. We pick ourselves up and dust off the pain and look around to see if we are still in the present. Then the real pain begins.

Each day after the passing of Brittany I felt miserable, lost and could barely eat. I lost so much weight, which I didn’t have any weight to lose. Grief hung around in my throat like a lump that would never go away. Persistently reminding me of my grief which just stayed below the surface. Always waiting to be released in a torment of tears and screams.

Damn that was a tough time. And every time I see or hear a parent beginning this journey, I feel sick. Sick like an awful feeling in my gut that knows what they are about to embark on and I feel so heartsick. It brings not only my own pain, but that of many others. No one really knows any better the ache of child loss than a mother who has born a child and lost them so very early. No one.

Now as I sit here in reflection and understand just how I have made it all these years. It’s been almost nine years. It’s because my faith is in a force much bigger than me. When I focus on me, I lose, but when I focus on God, I feel a strength that is more powerful than any drug or alcohol. It is called Grace. Grace is a precious gift God gives when we are open to receive it. God’s Grace poured over me in those early days, even when I cried, shook my fist and yelled at God because I was so mad. I did not understand what I could have ever done to deserve such a loss. But God in his graceful way, taught me very quickly that I was here on this earth for a higher purpose. Then the lessons began. I had to be a good student. And I ate it all up. I was starving for relief.

 

 

 

Random Thought

Grief BlessingsLeave a comment

God has a way of sending someone your way and we believe they are here to help us when in fact they are here to prepare us for the same role – healers, prayer warriors, grace extenders and educators on grief.

Life’s Best Lessons

Grief BlessingsLeave a comment

Lately I’ve had the feeling that life just isn’t fair. No matter how you spin it, how you define it, it’s just not fair. Good people die. Good people get diagnosed with bad diseases. Or so it seems. All I have to go on is my own life. I can only speak to what I know. And what I know is that life is not fair. Never has been nor will it ever be. Because it’s life.

So how do you deal with that? You just pick yourself up and keep moving. I can’t explain it. I try and write about it. But at the end of the day it’s something deep within me that keeps me moving forward one step at a time each day. I also know when I stop and spend too long reflecting on the negative, I feel worse. So life has taught me some valuable things. One of the most important is how to get up and dust off the pain and hold my head up high and get on with life.

It does wear you down, and some days it seems exhausting to work so hard at just breathing. In the end, when I have remained determined to keep moving and to keep breathing, it gets a little easier. Living is hard work. It takes a lot of hutzpah to get back up off the ground and get up swinging. I took the high road. That is the gift life taught me. Take the high road – every time. My mom set the bar very high for this philosophy. I learned from the best.

Life is not fair. Life is hard. But some days, life is beautiful. Life is love. Life is free. So spend it freely. Love freely. Stare the unfair life in the fact and tell it to get lost. Do something that heals people. Feed the hungry. Mentor a young person. Build a community. Love yourself.

Caution – Days Ahead May Be Difficult

Grief BlessingsLeave a comment

So August is upon us and for many it is the beginning of football. Which I am excited about. It’s the beginning of a new school year. For some it brings a change in season. But for me, it’s the beginning of the dark days. The dark days are the days that begin in August and go through the birthdates, anniversaries and holidays of those most precious to me who are now gone.

I thought for some time that this dark period would diminish over time; that as the years go on past Brittany’s passing, the dark times would feel less dark. It has not always been the case. What I have learned is that this time comes but how I manage it makes the difference. Finding time to write about my feelings is just the beginning. Reaching down into my faith stores and build them back up. My survival of these dark times is dependent on my finding the resources that have created the hope I’ve believed and felt these past eight years.

My belief in Jesus comes not from the words of the bible, but in the knowing I have a relationship with Him. That He lives in me and sustains me even in my darkest of hours. His resurrection is the foundation of my faith and hope that I will see Brittany again. I can tell you without a doubt that sustained me in the early days when I was not certain I would survive the loss of my only child. When you are crawling around the floor with little ability to communicate the pain and anguish of loss, you have to have something that gives you hope.
Then comes purpose. Finding purpose is life giving. Finding it can be also difficult and the choice may not always be permanent. Sometimes it comes in a series of things, all interconnected and leading you to a place of purpose. Staying focused and dedicated to finding purpose has proven to be difficult for me. Writing this blog has been a part of it, but not the total story. There are parts missing, and I’m still searching for that.

I starting writing a book because there wasn’t much out there for parents who have lost an only child. But I got stonewalled. Cannot seem to finish it because I can’t seem to put it together in a sequence that makes sense. I think to myself “how can you make sense of it”? it’s not that easy. So I will continue to get it written and published. Other things is I’ve wanted to do, but the business of life has gotten in the way. Starting a foundation to send kids to camp in my daughter’s name. Speaking to grieving parents groups and events crossed my mind as well. So much to do. But feeling the pressure to do something and do it soon.

Until next time,

M

To Live and Mourn Simultaneously

Grief BlessingsLeave a comment

Grief Blessings's avatarUnimaginable Grief Unexpected Blessings

“To Live and Mourn Simultaneously” for the title of this post because I truly believe it adequately describes how life goes on after a loss.

“Sudden and tragic loss leads to terrible darkness. It is an inescapable as nightmares during a high fever. The darkness comes, no matter how hard we try to hold it off. However threatening, we must face it, and we must face it alone.” – Jerry Sitser

The darkness is a topic I’ve written about before and it’s primarily because it’s a place I resided for a long time after Brittany’s death. In fact, it’s a place I’ve resided for a very long time. Throughout my life of what I’ve coined as “unfortunate events” I have found myself to become a familiar resident in the darkness.

When I say darkness, I don’t mean black, I mean like murky water – sometimes unable to see my way…

View original post 937 more words

Tears

Grief BlessingsLeave a comment

Tears drop from my face like water drips from an old leaky faucet. Slowly reaching its destination and splashing it’s pain around. Tears are suppose to be healing they say – but I say they sting my eyes like daggers. I’m spent with nothing but red and swollen eyes and my heart – yeah it’s still broken. – Mal