Category: grief journey

Triggers and Regrets

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I was watching a commercial about Wicked the play and it just about brought tears to my eyes. My daughter Brittany loved the soundtrack to Wicked. She and her best friend Caro could be seen on many occasions with microphone in hand singing at the top of their lungs. I have some rough cut video of them singing over the soundtrack with what I believe would have been about six months before she died.

I finally brought myself to see the play in a few years ago. I had always wanted to take her to see the play, but never got that chance. One of the things I regret most that we did not get a chance to do. You see back then I wasn’t a fan of that play. I thought it was not good for her to be so caught up in it. I was so wrong. I feel today I robbed her from that and for that I am profoundly sorry.

Once I saw the play I knew right away the gravity of my mistake. She would have loved it. She knew every word to every song. What the hell was I thinking. Not sure, but lesson learned, stop holding back. Live fully. Choose life – every damn time. Life is too short to do otherwise.

I think of how I’ve wasted so much time questioning decisions whether to go or not go. To do or not to do. To experience or not to experience. All I know is I’m at a point in my life that I need to take it all in – all of it. Stop worrying whether I should or shouldn’t. Death of a child changes you. For a while I did not care about anything. I just wanted to get through each day and sleep. Hoping to wake up and it would all be over.

Today, I am mindful that with each passing year life is returning. Not always how I’d envisioned, but I can say I’m happy. I miss my kid so much I can’t breathe some days. But I have love in my life and that is something special and I treasure it.

Don’t let loss define who you are. Our kids would have never wanted that for us. I know my Brittany would be kicking my butt constantly and honestly I know that she is every day. Especially on the days when I just want to throw in the towel and say to hell with it all. I thank God everyday that she was a part of my life and made me into the woman I am today.

Go live life! Make our kids proud.

Until next time,

M

Random Thoughts

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I am listening to Andy Stanley’s In The Meantime Series – Comfort Zone. He is talking about being available for those who have suffered losses of any type. Interestingly I’ve listened to this several times since it was first posted on September 21, 2014. I wrote about this series before and just feel I need to write about it again. The topics I chose to write about usually come to me in a moment. When I sit and think about what to write about, I usually struggle. But it’s the random thoughts that provide the greatest content and meaning I hope to someone.

Andy spoke about what uniquely qualifies one to provide comfort. Those of us who have struggled with something. Whether it be loss of a job, spouse, house, financial security or the worst yet, a child. Those of us who have walked in the fire and have been comforted by God are well positioned to comfort others going through the fire. Sometimes that comfort comes from the direct relationship with God. Other times the comfort comes from someone who God puts in our paths. You may or may not believe that things happen for a reason, but I have seen it in my life over and over. As I look back at the times in my life when I was dredging through a bad time, someone would come upon my path and help walk me through. God has never disappointed me in this way.

While I struggled after the deaths of my mom and daughter, I never believed God left me alone. He strategically placed others on my path who either supported me or walked along side me to lift me up when I could barely lift my head up. They provided the light in the darkness when I couldn’t believe there was light or a way out. Some of you reading this have been there and some of you may be there now. I’ve understood for a while now how incredibly important that support can be to someone who has suffered the loss of a child.

When I come across someone who, like me, has lost their only child, I feel a significant bond with them that is unspeakable. It is without ever speaking it, the most profound comfort I’ve had to hear their story, to understand that I am not on an island alone. I can still remember the relief I felt on my heart when I first read the words of Suze Duke who wrote the book “Grieving Forward”. I had an immediate rush of relief when I realized that she understood me, she understood my pain and that she lived through it. I was in the early months of living this nightmare of grief and her words comforted me like no other. I have always understood that my finding her book, was directed by God. I had been praying fervently during that time for help. I prayed night and day for the pain to lift, for the sorrow to abate. Her book truly gave me hope.

What does comfort look like?

Comfort looks like love. It looks like caring. It looks like time. Comfort comes from all different sources and at many different levels. The degrees of comfort are dependent upon the medium. Whether it be reading the words of someone who has walked in your shoes. Or it could be listening to a podcast of someone who has an inspirational story. It could be a support group of people like you who have suffered a great loss. Simply it could be a friend or family member who sits next to you and says nothing, but says much because they are present. Comfort is life giving. It is tangible to the receiver and the giver.

Purpose

For someone to provide comfort because they too have lived a painful loss creates a sense of credibility to the one receiving the comfort. It’s like “you get this” when no one else has been able to. Helping a grieving parent understand what their new normal can be like can be life giving. There is a purpose in all of this. To have received this adversity and turn it into a gift that provides promise is profound and takes a while to understand. This is also a critical time to not abandon your faith. There have been many nights when I prayed for God to take it all away. He did not take it away because the death of Brittany was real. But the comfort He provided has made all the difference.

Andy stated “Our capacity to comfort is measured by the amount of suffering we’ve had”. Take that comfort and from time to time, walk with someone who is in need. “There is life on the other side” Do not give up hope. I know I have been blessed by those who have gone before me and I hope to be that light for those who come after me. You never know if the person sitting next to you is a grieving parent unless you take that step of faith and be present if only for a moment in time.

May God continue to provide you comfort and bring a sense of peace now and forever.

Until next time,

M

 

 

 

 

The Evolution of My Journey

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In the hours, days, weeks after my daughter’s death I wasn’t sure how I would make it through each moment. Every moment that I thought about my daughter, I would feel such anguish that felt like a crushing blow against my chest. Some days I could not breathe and all that I could do was fall to my knees and pray. I prayed for relief of my pain and sorrow. Honestly I did not care how the relief came just that it would. 

The relief came but not how I might have envisoned it nor on a timeline that i found appealing. It’s taken many years to get to where I am today. And honestly where I am today will be very different from where I’ll be tomorrow. Each day that passes brings new expereinces that help me heal. I find the more I help others the more I heal. I will admit I did not ask for that role. It was given to me and after many attempts on my part to avoid what was clearly enevitable, I accepted the role of writing my blog and who my audience might be. Mourning parents.

Now this journey has not been easy. It’s been fought with struggles that would cause many to faint and walk away. But God has been very good to me. He has always provided the means by which I would succeed. I only had to believe and step in faith on what was presented to me. I’ve not always believed I could write or that anyone would read what I wrote. I orignally started out writing this blog as an on-line journal. In fact, I was shocked when people began to comment on my  blog. I then started slowly but surely to see how my journey, telling my story could help others.

I had no issue spelling out my pain for you. I was painfully honest just as I was with God. I belted out my anger, my conflict, my sorrow and my tears to God and to you. God listened and so did you. I have been blessed by your readership over these past eight years and yes you, have also contributed to the healing that has taken place in my life. I have been in awe of your stories, your tears, your comments and your dedication to my blog. 

It is my hope that this blog continues to bless others and if you know of someone who needs to read the words that we all know they feel, please pass it on. I know in my early days I did not have this kind of media nor did i even know where to find it. I barely found books that were written in a way that was helpful. As many of you may remember the early days are hard fought and are often blurry at best. Those who have found there lives disrupted, turned inside out and upside down and most of all their hearts ripped out because they lost a child, need us the most.

Thank you again for allowing me in and showing me what love truly is.

Until next time,

M

The Bench

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I can’t remember how long it’s been since I visited Brittany’s memorial bench. Seems like forever though. Fairly certain that it’s been close to four or five years since I traveled to Michigan. It sits outside of her high school performing arts center. She loved the arts and specifically drama.

As I walked up to it my heart sunk just a little because it was a physical reminder of her absence in my life. I looked the bench over from top to bottom and just stood back and felt blessed to have this beautiful place honor my daughter. Because there is no grave to visit, this bench became her memorial. I thank God whenever I remember the students at her school, led by her best friends, that worked to raise the money to buy the bench and have it installed.

  
I swiped off a small place to sit and sat down expecting to feel some sadness, but truly just feelings of pride overwhelmed me. So proud of who my daughter was to not only her family, but her friends. The bench a great testimony to how they saw her. She was truly a free spirit who loved like Jesus. Did not discriminate, showed compassion and loved life. A bright light to those who knew her. I sat on her bench and soaked all of that up all the while smiling. 

Shortly after I arrived one of Brit’s friends Courtney and her mom parked in the lot and walked up to the bench to meet me. I stood up and gave her a hug, which lasted for what seems like forever. I find that when hugging her friends or spending time with them, I am spending time with Brittany. It is always a special time and one that I cherish and will forever. I am grateful that they stay in contact with me.

Stayed for about 30 minutes and talked about Brittany and the good memories and the memories of the day of her passing. Brittany’s death stunned many of her friends and her teacher. It is a testimony to the friend and student she was and as a parent, I could not be more proud.

As we celebrate Memorial Day today with our families and friends, take a moment to honor those passed and hug and cherish the people still with us. Celebrate life for it is a small moment in time that we are here. In a moment it can all change.

Until next time,

M

Dynamics of Grief

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I never ceases to amaze me the journey grief takes me. There are times when I think I got this and I’m reminded I don’t. You see I’m an “experienced griever” not that it’s a label anyone would wish for – I sure don’t. I feel like for the most part I have it controlled. But grief shows up at the most unexpected times and reminds me that while I may have some control, it will be heard.

I’ve just passed that miserable milestone called Mother’s Day and I’d say it was fairly uneventful. But you know that is the tricky thing about grief; the emotions don’t always fall in line with the day of remembrance. Sometimes it comes early or late or even days or weeks after. 

I’m not totally convinced that you can avoid grief – even after 9 years. I often wonder if I just sit and let it happen it will come and then I’d not have to deal with the unexpected visit. That used to be the case in the early years. That would mean I’d sit and welcome the worst feeling in the world and why in the world would I welcome that. So then I tried the other way of avoidance and just hoping it would not show up. That did not work too well for me either.

I even get advice to just spend time quietly and let it happen. Gah – that seems crazy to me. But those who tell me that are the very ones who are with me when the waves crash in unexpectedly and understand that my tears come with reckless abandon and don’t stop until I’m so spent with exhaustion. There just has to be a better way – right? I’m not so sure….

All I know is that I’m tired and weary of this journey some days. It feels like such hard work. I work hard enough at my job. Everything is hard work. I wish sometimes to just go back in time and try to see if things could be different. But I know and understand that – one it is not possible nor would the outcome been any different. But I miss that kid so much some days my heart just wants to explode. No one really gets that. That is my cross to bear.

  
Until next time

M

Mother’s Day Memories

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When Brittany was little, perhaps grade school age, each year as we approached Mother’s Day I’d hear her talk about the “surprise” she was making me in school for Mother’s Day. There were a variety of paintings using many different mediums, but my favorite ones were the ones where she used her fingers to paint. She would be so excited to bring it home and show off her work. Those were the best times.

As I sit here and just take in the memories, tears well up in my eyes and I look around at all these passengers on this flight and hope they do not notice. Mother’s day is so very difficult for me. It represents all that was taken from me. But it is also a day that I wish to honor all mothers whose children have passed.

We travel a lonely road this time of year. Mother’s day is one of the toughest to get through. And if this is your first Mother’s day, please understand and know that you are not alone. That we, those who follow this blog, and the many other moms who have lost children stand with you.

Time with loved ones sometimes can help, perhaps reminiscing about your child. Other times it’s good to just be alone and quietly spend time reflecting the great memories about your child. I have found some years are more difficult than others and I’ve had to work out or through my own emotions so that I could even function. Each year is different and each person’s grief is unique. It’s so important to find what works for you.

I think it would also be good to find a meaningful way to celebrate your child on Mother’s Day. For me it’s been difficult because I not only lost my daughter, but my mom and grandmother. So it’s incredibly hard. It’s as if every which way I look there are reminders of loss. But over the years I continue to try and find a way to see this day in a positive way. To celebrate my friends and family who are mothers. I try. I’m not perfect. It’s hard.

So back at the many little trinkets Brittany made me over years and so very glad I created a little book of her paintings, poems and pictures. I can look at it and know what a beautiful girl she was and the sweet soul any mother would cherish.

May all of you find this Mother’s Day a day to celebrate the gift you gave the world and create your own little art to honor your child.

Happy Mother’s Day

M

Mother’s Day

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A New Normal

So often I have read about this idea of a “new normal” that one begins to experience after a loss such as mine. I do wonder who may have come up with that label. I don’t believe the word normal belongs in a sentence that would describe one’s life after loss. Normal doesn’t reflect what is really going on with one’s life at this stage. I do think that you can move through into a new stage of your life. One that can be happy. One that can be fulfilling and rewarding. But normal – I don’t think so. 

Who defines what is normal? 

I know I don’t, probably never have. I can say that with all that has happened to me over these past couple of years, I know that normal is far from what I have experienced. I also know that what I have experienced and what I am continuing to experience is God’s love and grace sufficient to exist in a life that has continued to remain somewhat meaningless to me. Please know that this is not a bad thing, I just see this life as a pathway to the next. I am working hard to do what I need to do to fufill my purpose for where I am right now. But where I am right now maybe not where I will be tomorrow. Remembering that I only have control over right now. Right now, I choose to write about how I feel in hopes that someone else can identify with those feelings and know that they are not alone.

Life does get better.

It does get less painful. And, at times, can be rewarding. I find that in my job, I find purpose. It is when I am alone in my home or alone in my own thoughts that I begin to think about the future and where I see myself  in it. Please know that normal will never be a part of anyone’s life when they have lost a child. Don’t assume that becoming normal again will ever be an option. So much of what I have read from many different parents echoes the same – “life will never be normal” – it just becomes different. I have found that there are so many days that life can be rewarding and fulfilling. I love what I do for a living. It gives me such gratification to know I am helping to shape nurses to be health advocates for those who need one. But I also have an emptiness that resides in my heart and it is unbearable some days. But I don’t let you see it. It’s too painful and I know if you really saw it – you might cry. It’s a place I try not to visit very often. 

As Mother’s Day approaches I feel that uneasiness start to well up inside me. It’s like hearing the rushing water of a white water falls way off in the distance. You find yourself having to stop and listen very carefully to hear it. As it is with grief. It’s calling my name again as it does every October. It’s quite unimaginable that I have had to endure this – seems like a lifetime ago. Yet sometimes it feels like yesterday. As I wonder about my life aimlessly looking for what I am missing – I understand it is her smile, her crazy quirky self and the biggest heart I’ve ever known! 

God has brought me this far.

I know He will continue to keep me in the palm of His hand until it is my turn to return to Him. I have a great deal of faith and a small amount of will. So life is out of balance for me and living a “normal” life just doesn’t seem appropriate. But a new life, one filled with hope for an opportunity to help others is what I know I am meant to do – for now. 

 until next time,

M

Blank Page

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I wrote this back in 2008 and found it very thought provoking.

“One day you wake up and find your life is like a blank book with no characters and no words just you on every single blank page. It’s the same page after page after page. Blank, lifeless and meaningless. Then one day God reaches down and begins to place pictures and people and a story in your new book of life. But the one thing I haven’t figured out yet it how to feel comfortable. I’m uncomfortable everywhere I go and with everyone I meet. I still have to leave the table when a conversation about everyone’s children and homecoming and prom dresses – how do I get comfortable with this new life. This new book. When all that is around me is reminders of what I lost. People tell me all the time “look how far you have come” or “you took the road less traveled” or “you have so much to offer” – but really at the end of the day, when I’m all alone in my house – it’s the stillness, the emptiness in my life that makes me scream! I don’t like this new skin I live in – I play the part well, but for how long?”

Today I can say that I continue to grieve and live in a space that I did not create. I did not ask for, yet I was given the opportunity to offer hope and instill some level of belief that you can not only survive a loss of a child, but that you can build a life that still has meaning. It does not mean that I still don’t miss my daughter with every fiber of my body. It just means I chose to do something meaningful with the mess.

 

Until next time,

M

Reminders of you

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So this week one of Brittany’s friends shared a photo of a new friend that bore a strong resemblance to my Brittany. So strong that it not only impacted her friend, but me as well. I stared at that picture for a while and thinking what are the chances that Brittany created the opportunity for them to meet. I think very strong.

I know Brittany is always near. How do I know? Well I sense her in the environment, who comes and goes into and around my life, and the messages that i get through others. It’s not always apparent and it takes a great deal of openess on my part to stay “tuned into” what is surrounding me. I think the largest factor is where I spend the time to talk to her throughout my day. When I do that, I sense her more.

I see things that are around me that remind me of her and then I talk to her. Then I get an email from a friend giving me advice on the very thing I asked Brittany about. Kinda weird yet oh so cool. It happened a lot in the early days, but as I found ways to avoid thinking of her because the pain was too hard to bare, the less I felt her.

At some point i needed to stop being afraid to think of her and to mourn her so that I could open my eyes to her presence around me. It’s hard yet I want to feel her and have her continue to be present in my life. Not in the way I’d like, but I’ll take whatever I can get at this point.

I miss her more than I can say. That will never change.

Until next time

M

The best hug.

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I’ve been talking to Brittany a lot these past few weeks. Asking her to help me figure out my purpose. What it is I’m to do. There is so much going on now and feel it’s time to figure out next steps. I’ve wanted to write a book based on this blog and my journey for a while now, but have not been motivated to get it started. Actually I started it years ago and then put it onto the shelf. I keep feeling like I need to pull it down and work on it. So many distractions and it’s hard to find the time. What is the fear? Why am I so hesitant?

So this morning in the early hours, right before my alarm I had the most real like dream about Brittany. I haven’t had one like that in years and it was absolutely wonderful yet the most painful experience. I woke up with the alarm ringing and just wanting to throw it because it interrupted the most beautiful and loving hug from my sweet Brittany.

The dream happened, as it usually does, quick and colorful and very real like. I was walking by a house and a neighbor peeked out her door and waved at me. As I waved back, Brittany peek out of the door and waved at me. I ran so fast to the door opened it up and grabbed her. Gave her the biggest hug and said “Brittany I’ve missed you so much”. She hugged back and said I’m ok mom and I miss you too. Then that damn alarm went off and I burst into tears and cried for a few minutes. I just wanted to go back and close my eyes and continuing hugging her.

I needed that hug and that dream more than ever. I’ve been so lonely without her, more than I could ever say. I know that when I take the time to talk with her and ask for her help, she never disappoints. She came to me in that dream this morning – while it takes my breath away and makes me cry – I am so thankful though for each time she comes to me. It’s not often, but when it does it’s as if it fills me up with love and helps me understand that she is listening to me.

Until next time,

M

 

#grief #dreams #loss