Category: grief journey

Hope in the midst of tough times.

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Max Lucado speaks in the second chapter of God Will Carry You Through about Joseph and his story of survival during a time when all had given up on him. All that Joseph had been through he still chose to believe in something bigger. He was ridiculed, forgotten worst, he was sold out by those who he trusted. So when you think of his story, you would think that he had a lot to be sad about. A lot to be hurt by. Yet he preserved and never gave up. Bitterness and hate never got a foothold on Joseph. He held onto his great faith in God that God will rewrite Joseph’s story for good.

Since the death of my daughter, I have often thought about what I could have possibly done in life to deserve such a tragic circumstance as the death of my daughter. My only child. How could I make sense of the death of my 48 year old mother from Breast Cancer just two months before the birth of her granddaughter, my daughter Brittany. How could I make sense of my grandmother dying five years later? None of it made sense really. I just couldn’t think about the big picture anymore, because if I did, I couldn’t help but think I was a bad person.

As I stood firm in my faith and that God would make things right one day, I began to think less about the big picture and more about “what can I do to bring purpose to this loss. All of the losses. What could I do that God could use to turn the evil in my life to good. What I realized was nothing. There was nothing I could do but believe. So I read the bible, listened to various ministers, such as Joyce Meyer and Andy Stanley so that I could build my faith even stronger than it had been before. God would do the rest.

In the eight, almost nine years since the passing of my daughter, I have found that God is using my story, Brittany’s story to help encourage other parents, especially moms (because I can relate) that while this type of pain is relentless and it purses you diligently. There is hope. That God will carry you through it. I cannot explain it, but understand when I say that my faith is how I made it through the first few days, weeks and months. It was the only thing I could hang on to. Now as my grief has matured, so has my faith. That one day God will restore what has been taken from me.

In the meantime, I understand my purpose. Why I am still here. In fact, while sitting in my office the other day, I stared at my daughter’s picture and asked her “remind me why I’m still here”. Later that day, I got the news that a dear friend’s son had passed earlier that day in the morning. Right then I knew Brittany reminded me that while it’s not easy, it is my purpose for the days I have left on this earth to walk in hope and show hope to others who are on this journey of grief with me.

I can only hope that my words can bring a sigh of relief, a soft place to land and a guiding light that hope and faith are the cornerstones of grace. It is in the grace that I receive daily that I move forward each day with a renewed faith and purpose.

Until next time,

M

 

#MaxLucado #griefblessings #grief #lossofachild

 

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Grief

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Grief Does Not Lie

Grief writes the pain of the loss onto all the fibers of your body.

Grief speaks from the depths of your soul but often is not heard.

Grief is demanding.

Grief evolves, yet never retreats.

Grief is ugly.

Grief has no filter.

Grief hurts.

Grief is measured by days, weeks, months and years, but rarely can it  be successfully completed on a timeline.

Grief is not exclusive to a demographic.

Grief does not discriminate.

Grief is a process that no one understands, unless you are unfortunate enough to join that club.

Grief has a life long membership.

Grief can be a teacher.

Grief provides a vessel for purpose.

That is what grief is to me.

until next time,

M

 

God Carries Us Through

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As promised I am beginning a series where I will blog through a book by Max Lucado. It’s called “God Will Carry You Through”. I have been on a mission to find books that I can bump up against my journey after losing my daughter so that hopefully the story, my story layered with thoughts from authored by others, will help someone. It’s been my desire since I started writing that somewhere, somehow, someone finds hope through this blog. And so it begins…..

Chapter One – God Carries Us Through

“You’ll get through this. It won’t be painless. It won’t be quick. But God will use this mess for good. Don’t be foolish or naive. But don’t despair either. With God’s help, you will get through this.”

Wow – when I read this, I initially thought those are hard words to understand when you are in the throes of grief and loss. In fact, some might just be downright offended, mad or pissed. But wait, listen – I know that while these words are hard to swallow, they are absolutely true. Not in a way you may imagine, but so true. You will get through this.

It won’t be painless. God never said we’d go through life without struggles. While I tried not to cringe while reading that and hearing me say it because you know, and I know, some people seem to slide through life without so much as a scrape and some, well they just seem to get hit over and over with life battles. So it won’t be quick. Whether you are a seasoned griever or just beginning this journey, know that somehow, some way, someone will be helped by your journey. I know this to be true.

God will use your mess for good. How do I know and how can I take comfort in that? It’s not always easy nor can I say that every day is good. I have my good days and I also have bad days, very bad days still eight years later. But I also know that through my small network of grief friends, we help each other. Our words often console one another. There are days I just want to scream at people – “you just don’t get it”. But I know my network, you my readers, some of my close friends, they get it. They understand that our connection is more valuable than anything else, except the one we lost. Through their words, their quiet silence, their steadfast dedication, and priceless extension of love, we are able to step forward.

Until next time,

M

Leading a Purposeful Life

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This morning I awoke to a message and as usual I lay wrestling with it because I don’t want to get up. But the thoughts for this topic raced through my mind and I was forced to pay attention. So at 6 am I am up with coffee in hand to write about how to lead a life that pays tribute to your child in a positive and healthy way. While I know and understand completely the gravity of that statement…..hear me out

Perhaps it is because I have matured in my grief, or perhaps it’s because grief is not new to me, I have faced it many times, or perhaps it’s because it is my purpose or calling; all I know is that when I focus on the life lived by my daughter during her nearly 18 years on this earth, I am so proud of her. I am proud because she taught me things about life I did not see or understand. Perhaps that was her role in life to teach a few of us that very special message. I am a believer that this life we live on earth is not for us to live for our own desires, it is to live, love and support the people in our lives and that cross our paths. To extend our hearts and welcome all regardless of who they are or what they believe. This was Jesus’ message and task He gave us. Yet we struggle with this often.

In the early years of my grief I did not want to live, I wanted to just fade away. I listened to a song by Mary J. Blige called Fade Away from her Growing Pains album. It was released back in 2007 and came at a time in my life where I struggled with living or dying. That is the pain I felt deeply after the loss of my daughter. It was the last straw that I had been dealt and it was punch in the gut to all that I knew and understood about life. I sang that song to the top of my lungs every day – as if I was praying to God and to anyone who would hear me – I just wanted to disappear. Then something changed.

During this time I was very unsettled and couldn’t get comfortable. I know and understand now that was God working in my life to change my desire to fade away. He had a plan for me to bring a message to others about grief and He wasn’t about to let me and my selfishness prevent that. Honestly in looking back at that time and the 18 months after Brittany died, there were times where I made decisions with such clarity it was scary. But now understanding that it was my coping mechanism which was good and bad. I left the house Brittany and I lived in for only a short time (2 years), because I couldn’t walk past her room at night before bed, so I spent 3 months just sleeping on the couch. The house was where she had her seizure and where I saw her slowly slip away before paramedics arrived.

During those early few months after her death, I gave away many of her things. Not because they reminded me of her but because that was the gentle and giving spirt she was. I chose not to memorialize her room but to give to others what they did not have because she told me many times that is what she wanted. Brittany was not always this way. She was very materialistic as a young teenager, but once she went to Costa Rica on a mission trip – all that changed. She wrote often in her journal and poetry about why life was the way it was and how she wanted life for others to be better, for them to see love not hate for themselves or others (especially others that were different from them). Those two years we spent together in that house where the best years of my life. And for that reason, I had to leave that house and Michigan. I just couldn’t walk past her school, the place she loved to go with her friends, and live in that house another minute. I knew my life depended on it.

Now, eight years later, I still struggle with settling down and I want some days to just give everything I have away and start over. But I know that is not the answer. Facing life and honoring my daughter is my purpose. While that is hard to swallow some days, I find if I sit and think about it, I am energized by what I could do for others. Don’t get me wrong, I still have my moments when I just want to Fade Away like Mary J. Blige sang about, but that is not the answer. It is not what God or my beautiful child would want for me. Instead I am to live a life with purpose and to help those who cannot help themselves. To clear the fog from their thoughts and to make the path of healing possible. It’s not all rosy nor is it easy, nothing is; however I do have a choice, we all do.

Choose to live a life with purpose and make our children smile down on us knowing that we learned from them and we carry that torch now for others.

Until next time,

M

Holidays are over – so why am I still so mad?

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Each holiday season I pine for January. Since my daughter passed away, I find the holidays to be less than cheerful. So when January arrives, there seems to be a collective sigh of relief that comes. But not so much this year. Now I’m just mad.

I’ve been mad for weeks now. A few weeks ago I found myself out walking and at some point during the walk I’m talking to myself and asking “what is wrong”? Then it hit me and I began to cry. Sobbing for the remainder of my walk and I’m sure had anyone crossed my path they’d have thought I was having a breakdown. Actually what I was having was a breakthrough. I wasn’t sad. I’ve been sad for too long. I was just plain mad.

So when I get mad, I cry – that is how I roll. Then when I cry, I get madder. I’ve spent too much time crying these past 8 years, in fact, I’ve spent many years crying over tragedy after tragedy. After the realization that I was just plain mad, I realized that I am so tired of grieving. It’s worn me down to a place where there is nothing left to grieve. Not sure why now. Why now am I just so mad?

I think it may be in large part because I have battled the good fight of grief and now I’m just pissed. I want to know why me. Why my daughter? And I know I won’t know the answer to this until I’m face-to-face with God – and that does not make me feel any less mad. I’m still mad. I feel beaten down, dragged through the mud and kicked until I can’t breathe. Yeah that is grief. It’s hard, it’s tough and it’s exhausting.

So I pray and I talk to God and I talk to Brittany daily. I ask for help to understand. Because my human brain can no longer make any sense of it. I do know too that I’m too distracted and haven’t done my homework. Reading, writing and prayer – those things have kept me from losing my mind some days. When I stay focused on my faith, my writing and connecting to those who understand what I’ve experienced – well it helps. But even that is exhausting some days. I know it has helped me get to here, but now I feel like I’m at a cross road and need to know what I need to do next. Praying for that guidance is all I can do now.

Until next time,

M

2014 in review

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The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 5,500 times in 2014. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 5 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

God Has My Back

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So many of you know who follow me that my writing is pure and straight from my heart. I don’t hold back and I keep it real. I also want to make sure that my readers understand something that was significant in my healing journey over the past eight years since my daughter’s passing and that is there is a choice in how we grieve. It may not feel like it when you are in the throes of the moment, and I know that because I was there. I felt alone in my grief. I did not think anyone else could possibly understand the pain that took up permanent residence in my heart. I was wrong. I found out that there are other moms who have suffered this loss and the feelings they had were the same that I had. I found great comfort in the company of those moms and they gave me a way to see through the fog of grief.

So many people have come into my life since that tragic day who have lifted me up in prayer, sat beside me while I wailed, prayed with me when I sat on the floor wanting only to die and have stayed with me all this time. Then there were the authors of a few books that helped me understand my feelings and that journaling was crucial to move the pressure of the pain on my heart to a place where I could return one day and know that I have changed.

God has made it very clear to me that my journey has to be public and that my purpose is to pay if forward. Which leads me to the post I saw earlier on Facebook. Through the permission of my friend Rob, I have included it below:

That thing where you’re thinking on those who have suffered REAL, TRAGIC losses, when the thought gets into the depths of your soul, lodged in your bones and you think to yourself “I can’t even imagine…” the level of sorrow that it must have brought. How did she go on? These are the moments when I realize that despite it all, my road hasn’t been nearly as overwhelming as the self-pity demons (at the various times in my life when I give them a foothold) would like for me to imagine. In comparison, and when it’s really meditated on, the strength that you can see in her, that you can see the unspeakable JOY and PEACE, in spite of the tears, of a woman that’s been stripped bare, with gaping wounds and, instead of self-medicating or running from the pain, has leaned into God with her entire being. It makes you see what power the Lord brings, the resolve, the fortitude, the beauty for ashes, the flat out refusal to give into despair when it would be forgiven… This is not nothing. This is totally something. This is above nature. This is the thing that cannot be denied, or looked over, or be anything else in all of Creation. This is the work of God, this is the power of Jesus Christ. ‪#‎awestruck‬
‪#‎Hiswaysarehigherthanours‬ – Rob Bowers

Powerful right? God took me back to his post numerous times and not sure why until this morning. What Rob wrote is about could have been about me or any of you. Each time God took me back to Rob’s post I felt compelled to write about this as it would relate to my story. So over the next few posts I will be breaking this down because the loss daughter was not my first loss. I’ve had many. While I don’t truly want to share intimate details I do feel compelled that to understand the gravity of what has happened to me and how I have survived it all – it’s important. It’s important to show that while life can knock you down over and over and over again, you still have a choice to get up and fight back. To make a difference. To use that pain in a positive way to help others.

So stay tuned…..

 

Until next time

M

 

#GodHasMyBack #grief #Loss #pain

Another Birthday Passes

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It has been just eight short years since my daughter passed away and tomorrow would have been her 26th birthday. It is the ninth birthday I have had to endure this lump in my throat that comes on the eve of November 30th and stays until I choose to release it.

Her angel date is always difficult, but it’s her birthday that I find extraordinarily difficult to think about. Birthdays represent life, birth a promise of a future to come. One filled of years and years of joy and yes, even some sorrows.

I fought so many years to have her. Suffered from many painful and expensive infertility tests and finally she was born. Even that wasn’t without difficulty. Last minute c-section and a dislocated hip but it was the most joyous moment of my life.

Throughout her life I had to hold on tightly to her as she had suffered from different illnesses from having a bout of encephalitis at 11 months. But mostly we just survived life the best we could. But there was always this nagging feeling that something wasn’t quite right.

In looking back the many years of fighting for her rights, her healthcare and her life – it seems as though life was always a battle. But there were also so many moments filled with joy and happiness. Laughter came easily to her despite her many setbacks over the years. She faced life like no one I’ve ever seen.

Perhaps that is why her birthday is the hardest day for me to live through. Each and every one represents a loss so profound in my life because I fought so very hard to have her, keep her and care for her. Every fiber of my being went to be her mother. Her caretaker and she – she was my everything.

As the tears stream down my face, I can’t help but also laugh because she made me laugh. She made me proud to be her mother. She made me a better person. And although this day will be hard. I know she lives on in our hearts and minds. And I will see her again soon.

In the meantime I will continue to honor her life by doing the things I know she loved – loving people.

until next time

m

Fears

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So I saw a post by Tyler Perry today giving kudos to his fans for allowing him to be successful which allowed him to take care of his mother. He went on to say:

“When you look at your kids, just remember the child that you delivered may one day have to deliver you.” – Tyler Perry

It hit me like a rock. I found myself mourning what was most precious to me – my only child. I said to myself “who will take care of me”? I felt such anguish when I began to think about the gravity of my loss and what it has meant and the impact it has had on my future. All the dreams shattered and the life I had imagined robbed from me. So how else should I feel? It leaves me unsure about the future. A future I have to re-dream, re-imagine and feel like it matters.

I know unless you’ve suffered a loss like the loss of child, an only child, you might understand what I’m saying. I’ve written about this many times before, but no other time has it hit me with such power. Like a punch to the gut. I have to put my faith in someone else other than my daughter, my flesh in blood to be there for me when I’m too old to care for myself. It’s something I have to try very hard to turn off because it is just so scary for me to even think about.

I have been rewriting my life for a long time now. As a young girl, the life I envisioned I’d have did not turn out that way. Then when I finally had my daughter, and even that wasn’t easy, the life I envisioned – well it did not go as I had dreamed. From the moment my daughter was born, she had medical issues. For what would be 17-1/2 years, we dealt with constant medical issues and some of them life-threatening. So the life I had envisioned having children and seeing them off to college, get married and have children – all gone. So now what……

I still feel like I’m rewriting my life one day at a time. That is all I can do. My faith in a well-planned life went out the door the moment my daughter was diagnosed with Epilepsy and Crohn’s Disease. My faith in life at all went out the door the moment she took her last breath. My life now is in a rebuilding stage and it’s all I can do to take one step at a time and I do it with the utmost caution. Not quite going all the way for fear it will be ripped from me. Can you blame me?

 

Until next time,

MWhen you look at your kids, just remember the child that you delivered may one day have to deliver you.When you look at your kids, just remember the child that you delivered may one day have to deliver you.When you look at your kids, just remember the child that you delivered may one day have to deliver you.

A Time to be Grateful

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Monon in Carmel

“The single greatest thing you can do to change your life today would be to start being grateful for what you have right now. And the more grateful you are, the more you get.” – Oprah

As I sit here reflecting on Oprah’s quote I can’t help but think back over the past eight years and see the many blessings that have come my way since my daughter’s death. I believe a person needs to have great faith to see that and to believe that life can still have meaning after such loss. But also understanding that it will be different. Never the same.

I’m a fighter and I have always gotten back up and dusted myself off and took another step in faith that God has my back. He has up till now and I have every bit of faith that He will for the rest of my days. The problem is always me. I get in the way of my own recovery, my own journey because of my human nature to disbelieve.

Life has handed me more hurts and sorrows and at times I’ve often wondered how life could have any meaning left for me. It would be so easy for me to give up, to stop believing, to stop living.

But my faith is so much stronger than my disbelief.

And that my friends is where it begins and ends. So today I am thankful for my faith, for it has carried me this far. My Thanksgiving prayer for you all that is that you can find gratitude in the little things. It is the little things in life that rebuild faith, strength, foundational love and happiness.

Happy Thanksgiving

until next time

M