Category: grief journey

Language of Grief

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Language of Grief

Fellowship of suffering has been described as a combination of those who have suffered and those that are suffering. Recently Andy Stanley spoke about this during a message called Comfort Zone. In fact, I wrote about this in a previous post called “Cloud of Witnesses”. I have found this to be true from the moment I met my first mom who had lost their child. There is an undeniable bond that happens and I think it is because we understand the language of grief. We understand the pain, not their pain, but the pain loss brings when you hold your child while they cross over. Collapsing over their bodies and praying to God, screaming out to God because the pain and anguish of that moment is so horrific. It still brings tears to my eyes each time I revisit that moment October 13, 2006 at 6:55 am.

Comfort from those who’ve been comforted is life-giving to those who need comfort. – Andy Stanley

So that quote really spoke to me because it took me back to those early days and weeks after Brit died and had it not been for those who came and sat with me, sometimes not saying a word, but spent life-saving time with me – saved my life. Sharing the same space in time, no demands, and no expectations – just sitting side-by-side meant more to me than I could ever put into words. I was blessed beyond measure for those who did not give up on me. Their comforting made me feel like someone cared.

That being said now that I consider myself a seasoned griever, I have experienced life-giving purpose in writing this blog, in hearing from my followers, meeting moms in person and lastly praying for those who I do not know, but understand the journey they are forced to live out.

I don’t believe I have the answers, nor do I claim to be an expert in offering advice, but what I do know is that grief and I know each other well. It has visited me on many occasions and for a variety of reasons. God has worked in me to allow my pain to be a voice for others and I take that role very seriously.

I don’t want to sugar coat anything here on this blog. It is not my intention to give the impression that the death of my daughter was any easier because of my faith. It was not. It takes a mountain of faith to get through loss. My faith has been questioned, shaken and put to the test, but I have not lost my faith, in fact my faith has grown exponentially in spite of my losses.

Finding purpose to honor my daughter’s memory and to help me heal by helping others has been crucial to my healing. It will always be a work in progress. Eight years since the death of my daughter is different than it was at one year or two years and so on. Each year it changes it evolves into a mature grief. I still cry, sob and yearn for my daughter. I still question why. I still find tears well up in my eyes when I spend a moment thinking of my Brit. The pain is still relevant in my life. My faith has been tested, but not broken. I rely on my faith in God to help me find the purpose in all of this mess.

He comforts us in all of our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled,
we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. – 2 Corinthians 1:4

So on the days when I feel I can’t make it another minute, I remember the advice I got from someone many years ago in the early years of my grief. “Close your eyes and imagine you can crawl up into the lap of Jesus and allow Him to comfort you”. While that seems a little odd, it works. Spending time with God in prayer or in the fellowship of church – has been the very nourishment and comfort that has helped me get to this moment.

Our capacity to comfort is determined by the degree of which we have suffered. – Andy Stanley

I encourage you to watch the video link below from Andy Stanley. I get something new from it each time I watch. He also mentions my story and says my daughter’s name which I found touching. The whole series is also listed below.

 

http://northpoint.org/messages/in-the-meantime/comfort-zone/

MeantimeSeries.org

Until next time,

M

Holidays and Grief

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Holidays have always been a torturous time for us grievers. A time of happiness and family get-togethers becomes a time of sadness, loneliness and feelings of despair for the griever.  There is also an added amount of pressure from well-meaning family and friends to “be happy” or it’s time to “move on” during this time of year.

This is the time of year that grievers often take to keeping to themselves. Not being too social. Almost to the point of being recluse. That happens in part because one it’s easier than dealing with the “well-meaning” family and friends who think they are helping and two because showing your pain and grief somehow makes it more real. It becomes your private friend. The one you don’t want to introduce anymore to anyone.

It’s hard to for a griever to imagine that their broken heart can mend or that love will ever feel the same again. But love doesn’t end when your loved one dies. The love left in your heart is still there. It’s the emptiness, the void left from their absence that makes your heart hurt. But the love – always will it be there to hold your heart together.

On one hand the holiday season brings beautiful decorations and lights. Wonder singing and praises to our God and then there are the lonely moments when the pain of your loss overwhelms you and all those sweet memories that you hold so dear to your heart remind you that your loved one is not there again to enjoy the holidays with you. And despite the good intentions of others, no one can take away the hurt you feel. All we can do is find ways to cope with the holidays.

Healing through the holidays can happen, but only if you allow yourself to experience the season. Feel the goodness of the season. See the beauty of the season. For Christians it is Jesus’ birth that we truly celebrate. All the other “holiday stuff” is just that – stuff. If you get your mind on the true meaning of why we celebrate Christmas – you can truly move beyond the pain of the holidays.

Don’t be afraid to talk about how you feel or to express your feelings of grief. Pain doesn’t go away on its own. It must be given a voice, whether it be vocal or written expression. I’ve always been a big fan of journaling as I can honestly say it has allowed me the vision to see my journey laid out on paper to see the progression from early grief to the grief I have today, three years later.

When you are experiencing an increase in grieving, it can make you more tired, physically and mentally. So take the time you need to slow down and get the rest you deserve. Don’t try to keep up with everyone else. Learn to say no when you need a break. But also say yes when you need to have someone around to talk with.

My biggest lesson that I’ve struggled with from the get go has been learning to say no. Stretching myself beyond my limits. I do it because it keeps me busy and then when I’m busy I don’t think about how painful I feel. It’s a cover up. It actually can increase your grief because it is increasing your stress. Stress on the body lowers your ability to cope.

Surround yourself with people who understand that the holidays can be difficult for you. That holidays increase your awareness and sense of loss – so much so – that you may avoid holiday activities. Spending time with people who understand and that allow you to talk openly about your feelings is one of the most important gifts a family member or friend can give a griever at the holidays.

I know personally for me it’s hard to find people who want to hear my story or to hear about Brittany. But it’s crucial to the healing process to include them, the memories of them in the conversations without having someone roll their eyes at you or change the subject all because it’s too uncomfortable for the. It’s not their loss – it’s not their pain – it’s not their life. It’s your life, your pain, your loss and it has to be acknowledged for as long as you need.

A plan for anticipated moments where you may feel overwhelmed by a thought or memory should be in place so if it does happen you can leave the room or take a break without feeling embarrassed.

The most important part – is our memories of our loved ones are legacies that exist. They are a part of who we are and apart of who they were in our lives. Holidays make us remember these times more than any other time of the year. Go with it. Let it come. Journal it. Embrace it. Don’t ignore it. I have found over the past 3 years that the memories now bring smiles more than tears. But the tears still do come. Your memories are the love you had with that person and will forever remain in your heart. No one – No one can take that from you.

Create new memories by spending time with people. Try not to isolate yourself thinking you can avoid the holiday season. You can’t and it’s truly not good for you. I try to spend time with friends, family and other people to create a new definition of holiday for me. But with that in mind, these people I spend time with know my story and know that my story is what makes me who I am today.

Most of all love yourself during the holidays. Express yourself by giving and receiving love from others and from God. Surround yourself with loving people and you’ll see that your journey through the holidays will take on a new and different light. But always with a distant glow that remains in your heart from the love and joy that came from having loved someone so much.

Until next time

M

Loving after Loss

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I know this topic is a tough one for many, including myself but recently I watched an interview where someone had lost their brother and father and now found themselves struggling to find love. It struck me during that interview that wanting to love again may be the hardest hurdle of all. When there has been multiple losses, the desire to get back into any relationship fully seems daunting. I struggle with it today. I have a wall up as if to protect myself from loss. So in saying that I understand that will or can keep me from experiencing love fully. But it also protects me against feeling or experiencing loss fully. I get it that it may not make sense, but it is where my head is and my heart.

I don’t expect people to understand this, because really how could they. Unless the floor has opened up and taken those most dear to you, how can you know? It’s simple – you cannot. My faith in people doing the right thing has truly been altered – fractured since the passing of my daughter. So many people were trusted and so many failed. It’s taken me eight years to realize that it will take the rest of my days to heal from not only the loss of my daughter, mother, grandmother and so on, but to forgive those who failed my daughter and who failed me after her death. My heart was severely broken into many pieces and it will be an on-going process to seal up the wounds.

So today, I love but at a distance. The challenge is for those in my life today, to be patient and understand or try to understand that my heart hurts each day as I live on beyond loss. Love for me is different now. All I can do is promise I will try.

 

Until next time,

M

Grief Speaks

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Thinking someone needs to read this tonight.

Grief Blessings's avatarUnimaginable Grief Unexpected Blessings

As I continue my journey of healing, I have come to know the many voices grief speaks. First it doesn’t have a voice. It first presents itself as a lump in your throat. I remember thinking I must be getting a cold or food was getting stuck in my throat, when really it was my pain that was getting stuck. The grief couldn’t get out, wasn’t being heard, stuffed out, stuffed back.

Now, after over 2 years, it’s been heard, felt, ignored but it’s still there, just not so “vocal” these days. It’s more like a whisper that I hear when I see something or someone that looks like my daughter, or mom. And quietly my grief speaks to me trying to remind me that I have grief in my soul. My soul has to be heard. It has to have a voice.

The one thing I know is grief…

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Another year passes….

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I sit here at the end of a very long day. The eight year anniversary of the passing of my daughter Brittany and I am astounded by the still gut-wrenching pain that fills my heart. I guess I should not be surprised as I have come to understand that one never gets over the loss of a child. We just learn to live with the pain. I don’t let many see this deep wound because why would anyone want to share this pain? Of course I share my writing with you all through this blog; and my close friends and family hear me speak of my hurt, but truly no one gets to see it all. No one but God.

I share with God what I will not and cannot share with anyone else. The questions of why; the constant pursuit of God to help me understand why me? This is not my first go around with loss as you all may know; so I have had some very “real” conversations with God about the “why” of it all. I still don’t have the answers, but I have gotten some feedback over the years (if that is what you wish to call it). Feedback that comes from various sources, such as reading scripture, messages from a variety of speakers or written word or sometimes from a faint image or vision that can only be rationalized as a divine intervention. A song on the radio that stops me in my tracks as the words speak so eloquently to me what I yearn to hear. What I know is this… all of that… I could not have heard or felt if I hadn’t cleared my head and slowed down to pay attention. But it always seems to arrive at just the right time.

The pain and anguish is still very real to me but less raw. I have matured with my grief. I have come to realize it will be with me always. It is what I choose to do with it that will make all the difference. So today the beach seemed to be a fitting place to take my pain and sorrow to soothe it with a celebration of what I know she would have loved. A perfect sunset watching the waves crashing in and out over her handwritten name. Slowly with each passing over, her name began to fade and the flowers washed out to sea. She would have loved that.

The pain of my loss will be with me forever. Each year it is my hope to find a way to celebrate her life so that it brings joy not pain. It’s a process, I did not get here over night. Some days it’s all I can do to put one foot in front of the other, but that is how you get from there to here – one step at a time.

Until next time,

M

Chronic Sorrow Revisited

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Chronic Sorrow Revisited

 

101314_1405_ChronicSorr1.jpg

Chronic sorrow is the periodic recurrence of permanent, pervasive sadness or other grief related feelings associated with a significant loss. (Eakes GG, 1998).

 

I have often wondered about how long sorrow would hold up residence in my heart. Since the death of my daughter eight years ago I can say with the utmost certainty that it will always be a part of who I am. Sorrow has taken up permanent residence in my heart. Specifically over the space where my lovely daughter holds a forever spot. Scared by loss, and maybe a little broken, but my heart still beats on. It still feels love. It still leaps for joy when something or someone brings happiness into my life.

I have come to understand that sorrow and happiness can live harmoniously in one space if, and only if, they are both respected. Given their time to be heard. Chronic sorrow seems like a disease, but really it’s just a label for a mother’s broken heart. I wouldn’t say that I have a pervasive sadness about me. It’s more like moments in time that I reflect on a life once known, and a time that some days I’d love to hear her voice or her funny laugh, but pervasive sadness – I don’t think so.

Do I think pervasive sadness happens to some? Absolutely and that breaks my heart for them. I understand how it can happen. I do believe if I had not fought hard to come out of the fog of sorrow and into a life that I can bring light to my daughter’s memory – I too would have fallen into this pervasive sadness. So if you find yourself there – seek help. Talk to a professional, write it out – do something. The best years after loss can come but its hard work. At times can be exhausting. But with a lot of support, faith and love you can make it to a space where the sadness and sorrow take their rightful place but does not permeate your soul.

I’m a living testimony that while I have lost much, I want to live on doing the work I was made to do. I want to fulfill my destiny. Just like my sweet Brittany. She is the light that shines brightly and keeps reminding me that I have to stay focused on the good in the world. That is my prayer for you.

Until next time,

M

Strength vs Courage

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I follow a blog on FB called Mitchell’s Journey. It’s about a father who shares the story of the journey his family has been on from their son’s devastating disease to his untimely death. He continues to share their story as they move through their grief. One particular comment he made struck a chord with me and I felt like I wanted to share it with you. The excerpt below is quoted from his FB Page:

I was raised to accept the reality life is tough, because it is. And at some point the world tells us we have to suck it up and take it like a “man” or a woman, or a lion or a bear. But I also realized in the privacy of our bedrooms or the quite of our minds there is often an unspoken dimension to us . . . a part of us that is vulnerable and mortal; a part that loves deeply and hurts honestly. Years ago I stopped pretending to be a lion or a bear. I decided to be human – and that has been liberating.

I too was raised to expect life would be tough and while I’m a woman, I was raised with five brothers so the reoccurring theme was to “buck up” and be quiet. I saw a great deal of hurt growing up. I won’t go into any details; however life was far from easy and there were times I wondered if we would make it as a family. I grew up believing that I had a sense of responsibility to help my mom raise my brothers. Because my mom chose not to hide much from me, at an early age (8 or 9) I saw and heard things a young girl should not see or hear.

So when people tell me that I’m strong or that I have shown great strength, I have a hard time understanding that. Life has been hard and I’ve learned to just “buck up” and deal with it. But like Mitchell’s father, when I’m in the quiet of my mind, I understand that I not all that strong nor do I have great courage. What I have is faith. A faith that helps me rise above all that is negative so that I can see the positive. Not easy and I don’t profess to say that, but it is a choice. I’ve never known any other way to live. Life has just always been rocky for me.

That is not to say I don’t have things happen quickly or exciting going on it just means I’ve worked very hard to be where I am today. It’s never been a gift. Just plain work. I do believe that my life’s experiences has prepared me for the losses of my mom, grandmother and lastly my daughter. Losing my mom during my pregnancy was a hard blow to me. I took to an angry stage for a long time. My daughter was not like your normal every day child. She had disabilities due from a high fever she had at 11 mos of age. Years and years of therapy, medications, doctors and tests she ended up with severe epilepsy and crohns disease. I grieved not having a normal child. But now knowing the amazing young woman she became – I would have never traded her for anything. She was simply an amazing spirit who was sent to me for a reason. I told someone the other day that I truly believe she was sent to earth for a job and she got it done very early and then departed back to Heaven and God saying “well done my child”. That makes me smile.

So yes, I am strong, but don’t mistake my strength for healing. I’m still hurting. I’m still missing my girl beyond belief. I celebrate her life this week as we move into the 8th anniversary of passing. But I weep for her physical being because she was a part of me a part of my story.

Until next time,

M

 

 

Avoidance

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This is just a precursor to a post I’m working on but wanted to tell you all that the prep work is incredibly hard.

You would think that after all these years is be able to face it with more strength but I am only human. While I hope and pray my blog helps others I too suffer. I am avoiding what I know I have to do.

It’s time to sit down with her things and go through them – touching them, hugging them – crying over them – hell wailing over them. They are these remnants of what is left of a memory that is call Brittany.

More to come…

Until next time

M

It starts with Homecoming

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As the celebrations of Homecoming begins this time of year, I reminded that eight years ago on the morning of Homecoming at East Grand Rapids High School my daughter took her last breath.

Waiting on God

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#inthemeantime #grief

Grief Blessings's avatarUnimaginable Grief Unexpected Blessings

I don’t know about you but waiting on God can sometimes be difficult to do. It can also mean something very different if you are waiting during seasons in your life. A season of waiting for something to change like a relationship, job change, life change or loss. Waiting on God has looked very different to me during the various seasons in my life. Waiting on God requires a great deal of patience but it also requires that you find time to stop all the noise in your life and quietly open yourself up so that you can hear God speaking to you.

When I say hear it doesn’t mean what you traditionally think of hearing with your ears. It means listening to God in the many ways He chooses to communicate with you. I know I’ve experienced God’s word in many forms. Through reading the Bible; an email from…

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