Category: grief journey

Arrogance

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For His name’s’ sake – Psalm 23:3 NKJV

Continuing the series “Blogging through Max Lucado’s book – Traveling Light” – Chapter 9 “Get Over Yourself” The burden of Arrogance.

Now I’ll start out by saying this isn’t one of my most favorite chapters of the book. The next two will be gut-wrenching,
but in keeping with the order of the book, I shall continue on….

The ticket is to become and, sometimes the most difficult to achieve, remain humble. If you don’t God will find a way to help you become humble. As we know, or at least I do, that God gets what he wants. All the time. When it comes to grief. God has given me much humility. Why? Because He was that sent me hope. I didn’t create it. He sent me peace. I didn’t create it. He gave me fellowship with the people of the church. I didn’t create it. God did it all – I just received it.

It’s like writing this blog or my book – it’s God behind the wheel of this train people. Not me. It would be very easy to take the credit; but if and when I do, He will send me a reminder that it is by His grace I have hope, love, mercy and redemption, not by my own hand.

So I leave you with 7 areas that Lucado says we need to evaluate in order to remain humble:

1. Assess yourself honestly

2. Don’t take success to seriously

3. Celebrate others

4. Don’t demand your own parking spot

5. Never announce your success before it comes

6. Speak humbly

7. Live at the foot of the cross

Now there is some food for thought. Enjoy.

until next time,

m

Burden of Guilt

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Continuing series on blogging through Max Lucado’s “Traveling Light” – Chapter Eight: The Heavenly Exchange – The Burden of Guilt.

He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name sake. – Psalm 23:3 NKJV

So admittedly I will tell you that I struggled with this chapter more than any other.  In some ways I agree with the author that guilt can plaque you and stifle you to a point where you cannot function. However the parts about righteousness, well I have to say that ruffled my feathers a bit.

Throughout this whole chapter the word righteous or righteousness came up so many times I began to feel guilty about my position on this. So in saying that I will move on and talk about how guilt can take a grieving person by the neck and can keep a firm grip on them for as long as that person will let it.

Guilt comes in so many ways. In grief, guilt often comes to the griever because they may have what they call survivor’s guilt. The kind of guilt that one might experience if they lived, but the other one died. Survivor’s guilt can keep a person from moving forward because their thoughts can be consumed with “why me” “why didn’t I die and they live” – believe me it happens. It’s real to them.

For me guilt came with a couple of different faces. At one time I felt guilty because perhaps I hadn’t done enough to take care of my daughter. I didn’t insist on better care. I should’ve kept calling the doctors and demanding better care. But I didn’t. At least I didn’t feel like I had. And I’ll forget Brittany’s PICU nurse that night, Jennifer was her name, she was at my side when I was sobbing over my daughter’s dead body and I said “I’m so sorry Brittany, I should have fought harder, I should’ve yelled louder and Jennifer said to me: Malissa you did all and more than most parents they’d seen for their children. You see Brittany had been a regular at Devos Children’s Hospital over the years.

She had many friends who had taken care of her over the years there. In fact, the ER staff had come up in the middle of the night to see how she was doing. And much to the dismay of their hopes – they saw a picture that no one had anticipated – she was failing. She was slowly slipping away from us and no one – not one doctor knew why.

As I stood there sobbing uncontrollably believing I had failed her – I heard the words that made me feel I did do all I could from a nurse who, for me, encompasses the role of a nurse on a level many do not ever achieve. PICU nurses are a special breed of nurse. I know because I’m a nurse, a pediatric anesthesia care nurse and I know – it’s a love of children that keeps you in such a field that shows you over and over a kind of death that brings you to your knees. The deaths of little innocent children and their grieving parents left in the wake.

Over the years after her death, I have dealt with little episodes of guilt, but over all I feel I did my best. But the guilt didn’t stop there. It came in another form, one that I still to this day feel from time to time and that is this: I am here now and she is not. That guilt is paralyzing. It keeps me from moving into a life that God intended for me to have.

Listen. The weight of weariness pulls you down. Self reliance misleads you. Disappointment discourages you. Anxiety plagues you. But guilt? Guilt consumes you. – Max Lucado

If I let it my guilt would consume me, but I am able to keep it at a distance. It rears its ugly head from time to time but I give it over the God and let Him handle it. Because I am just too tired of the battle. That burden of guilt I have carried for so long is now God’s burden. I have become too weary to carry it another day, another minute.

One last thought about righteousness and guilt from the book that I did see as a glimmering sign of hope and that is this; “The path of righteousness is a narrow, winding trail up a steep hill. At the top of the hill is a cross. At the base of the cross are bags. Countless bags full of innumerable sins. Calvary is the compost pile for guilt. Would you like to leave yours there as well?”

I know I have and will continue to if I am to survive this burden of guilt.

until  next time,

m

 

Hope vs Hopelessness

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Continuing journey through Max Lucado’s “Traveling Light” – Chapter 7
It’s a Jungle Out There – The Burden of Hopelessness

He restores my soul – Psalm 23:3 NKJV

So after reading Chapter 7 I came to a few conclusions about how I thought this chapter might relate to the grief journey. In thinking back to a time early in my journey I couldn’t see any hope. I don’t even think I could define hope. So what did I do? I read every piece of scripture I could so that I envision what hope might feel like.

I have read numerous books by authors who have gone before me in this journey and there always seemed to be one clear similarity and that is hope is rooted in the faith that gives you strength to hold on.

By holding on I mean through the darkest of hours, the most searing pain, the moments when the light at the end of the tunnel seems too far to reach, that life seems meaningless in the face of grief; you can find hope.

In the book Lucado compares hopelessness like an “odd bag” unlike other bags that are full, he describes the bag of hopelessness as a bag that is empty. More importantly he relates that the empty bag creates an “exhausting burden”.  I get that. I see that. I have felt that.

Have you ever turned your purse or bag upside down looking for your keys, your glasses, your lipstick but to no avail you cannot find it. No matter how hard you shake it – nothing. But the bag of hopelessness is empty – very empty – painfully empty.

It’s hard to see hope when you are filled with emptiness. Right. So what can you do until your hope returns? You need someone in your life that can hold  you accountable. Who is not afraid to hang with you. Who can handle spending the time and energy it takes to create a sense of fellowship that will make a grieving person feel safe.

Safe enough to have this person look them straight in the eyes and say “hang on”. Because when you are blinded by grief, no matter the cause, you can’t see the road in front of you. All that is illuminated is the sorrow that fills your heart. The path of darkness is narrow and winding.

I recently heard that a person without a vision is lost. That comment was made to a describe a person without goals or a plan. But it can also be used to describe a grieving heart. The capacity to see past the pain is severely limited. Finding, having and keep hope alive is key to opening the heart to see the way out.

In those early days – I spent many hours looking at scripture because it was my only comfort. I was looking earnestly for any crumb of hope to hang on to. God’s word can and did bring such comfort. I know because it has gotten me to this point. The point where I can remain hopeful.

Even though you remain in your situation. Your loss is still painfully there. In my case living a life without my daughter, I have hope; direction and restoration because I took that bag of hopelessness and let God fill it up with many things. God can do that for you too.

Things like: scripture, friends, family, vision and hope. Having hope has led me on my personal journey to find my purpose. But here’s the kick – it doesn’t happen over night. Some days it’s as if I have been temporarily blinded to the hope. But as I return to what I know works – God – I am renewed again.

That the best hope of all.

Until next time,

m

My Baby

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My Baby

I remember so fondly your funny little laugh
the way you made me crack up with your sense of humor
or your fun-loving antics. – I miss you so my baby.

I miss our little snuggles during late night movies
talks that lasted on into the night over some drama
at school or a guy. But most of all I miss you so my baby.

Your singing for what seemed like forever in the shower
with your karoke machine not a care in the world to be had.
So free to be who you were – I miss you so my baby.

Your love for life and it’s crazy twists and turns
how I loved to watch you experience such love
at the last moments of your life – yet I look at your picture
and I can only say – I miss you so my baby.

I look at your picture now and I see things a little
differently; a past that is fading so very fast, yet
such great memories of a kid I loved so dearly with
all my heart and soul – I miss  you so my baby.

As I write tears creep down my face as the pain in
my heart remains so vividly present as it did at
6:55 am October 13th 2006. The worst day of my life.

I miss you so my baby. Sleep with the angels…..

Until we meet again

mom

Don’t be a worry wart….

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I continue with Max Lucado’s book “Traveling Light” – Chapter Six – The Burden of Worry”. From a grieving mother’s perspective how not to become a worry wart….

 

As I read this chapter for the second time, I realized how easy it is for us as human beings to get wrapped up in the planning for our tomorrows. Perhaps that we review our past and hopefully, longingly plan for tomorrow in hopes that we don’t relive the same mistakes over and over. Yet what we are forgetting is that today has enough going on that we should just stay present in the moment. In that moment which we shall refer to hereafter as NOW.

Now as a project manager, nurse and in a previous life, advertising and graphic design artist, I will tell  you that leaving the planning for tomorrow is a difficult task. What I do for a living demands planning and a lot of it. But my life – well that’s a whole other concept – one I need to learn to see differently. Separating my work life and personal life is a work in progress. It requires a high level of discernment and faith. Discernment to see the subtle differences where perhaps my personal life is somewhat intermingled with my work life. And, faith – faith to let God handle the rest.

You’d think giving up control to God would be an easy one. But I can tell you it is not. I think in large part to how I was raised. Or not raised – depending on how you look at it. I have been the one who “handled” things. Kept things going – moved the train along to the next station so to speak. So now, why now, do I feel the need to give it up and let God take over. I have to, my future depends on my present. My present depends on God taking over what Lucado refers to as the “Whaddifs and Howells”. What if I….. or How will I ever…..

He leads me beside the still waters…… Psalm 23:2 NKJV

When you are grieving the loss such as the one I carry daily, you begin to worry a lot. Worry about the future, how it will look now that everything you planned for and worked for is gone. As I wrote that previous sentence I realized that there is the real problem. All that planning, and working really didn’t pay off. I worried over my daughter’s future. I worried about her health, who would be there to take care of her. I worried about what her life would look like down the road. I worried myself to death. In the end, I missed out on a lot. I should have been more present.

I was still very early in my faith, the faith I have now that is so strong, was in its infancy then. I didn’t know any better. Some days I still don’t. That’s what I mean when I say my life is a “work in progress” – learning to give over the controls to God for my future is one that has been the hardest. The price I have paid has been life altering. The price of anxiety and worry can have a profound affect on your life. There is, as Lucado eludes to, a high cost of anxiety and worry.

Worry is not a disease, but it can lead to disease. Think about it. People worry themselves to death. Creating a constant sense of worry and anxiety which can and probably will ultimately lead to a disease that will end your life early. So what’s the alternative? Well for me,  it’s really picking apart the scripture above:

He = GOD
Leads = shows me the way
Me = he cares enough for me
beside = along side of
the = it
still = quiet, calm, serene
waters = His never-ending love and grace

I’m not exactly sure how I came to that synopsis but for me, it makes sense. So now my job is finding that calm place, that still waters and bask in the beauty of God, to see the wonders of His never-ending love and to accept the grace that comes with it. To take one day at a time, leave the future to God. You see my friends, the one lesson I’ve learned so far….life is not guaranteed. You get one shot. Any day your life can change dramatically and all that worrying and anxiety – well it will be for not. Please live for today and let God handle all the rest. Enjoy where you are right now, for tomorrow we don’t know what may come, or if it will come. But today, we are assured of – so make it count. Each and every second.

until next time,

m

Poetry Revealed

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*A repost from October 13th 2009 – the 3rd anniversary of Brittany’s death  – feeling like I need to say it to her again as I sit here on vacation – in a place we visited so often – that now seems all to quiet, to vacant and to painful.*

Dedicated to my beautiful girl Brittany and to the many young people who have gone too soon – RIP

 

 

Vacant Space

There was a time when life was full
and we were always running the race
but now after these long 3 years
my life has become this vacant space.

There was a time when life was busy
and we were always running the race
always looking for more time to spend
but now all that exists is vacant space.

There was a time when life was so right
and we took it all for granted;
believing the joy would never end
but now all that exists is vacant space.

There was a time when I laughed at your jokes
and cried when you were hurting;
knowing that I would always be your mom
and you would always be my daughter;
but now all that exists is vacant space.

There was a time when you showed me
what it means to live beyond your ability
To imagine the world as your own
but now all that exists is vacant space.

There was a time when I saw you die and;
knowing although you were with God
helped me to heal – though still all I know
is the place in my heart where you lived is
now all but a vacant space.

There is a time when I have to move on
a time when I have to choose to be more
than I have been, that shell of a vacant space;
Only now do I realize that the vacant space is
still filled with your love and your sweet face.

Peace to you my sweet little girl Brittany.

love mom

The Door

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Reposted from Nov 09 – as it is so applicable today as it is everyday…

 

For Everyone Who Ask, Receives. Everyone Who Seeks, Finds. And to Everyone Who Knocks, The Door Will Be Opened. – Luke 11:10

I’ve been praying for a long, long time for God to open a door so that the one behind me will close. I think I may have gotten my request a little out-of-order. I think I may be in looking back way to often and not looking forward enough.

As I continue to move forward on my journey of grief since the death of my daughter I find myself, especially this time of year, looking longingly at that past door that lies behind me. I am sure now after reading that scripture that by not keeping my eyes fixed forward I have hindered God’s desires for me.

Can I just say that takes an incredible amount of grace and humility to admit that, although I feel like God is making doors open for me, I can’t help but to look back sometimes and wish that I would wake up and it all had been a bad dream.

I find that particularly painful to admit, because I know it is the very thing that has stonewalled my progress. The problem then becomes how do I stop looking back. Stop looking back at a life I still long for. How do close that part of my life and look forward? It’s not the game  I wanted to play.

During this time of year seems to be the most difficult. The tendency to look longingly at the door of my past life with Brittany is so strong this time of year. It takes a great deal of strength and attention for me to stay focused on the present and future. I lean into and yes I said into Jesus in order to stay focused on moving forward.

The one thing I do know is that this happens every year at this time. For the past three years it has been extremely difficult to remain faithful that God will keep that door open long enough for me to crawl through. But I also know that God has always remained faithful to me even when I couldn’t even see it. See HIM. He is always there. Waiting for me.

My challenge is finding a way to close the gap between when I start to feel this longing and when I am able to focus on the door in front of me and not the one behind me. And understanding that this journey is a process and one that ebbs and flows without too much influence from me. It’s the nature of the beast.

Every gift that God gives us opens a door for something greater and more wonderful than we can imagine. I know this to be true. The hard part is remaining faithful to that knowledge when it gets a little rocky or life hits the skids. Remaining faithful will allow God to move in ways we can’t possibly imagine.

Hold on my friends, hold on.
until next time

m


The weariness continues….

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In chapter five of Max Lucado’s book “Traveling Light” he talks about the Burden of Weariness. How much of it relates to a lack of sleep, too much noise in your life, not observing the sabbath. I decided to take a different spin on this topic as it related and still relates to my life today as a mother who lost it all.

The weariness continues….

My favorite quote of his in this chapter is “Repeat these words after me: It’s not my job to run the world”.  That quote couldn’t be more apropos than it is right now in my life. But seriously….when  you have lived the life I have – it’s been all I know. Running my world, running my families. Always on guard. On post. Ready for protection to fight the battles. Little did I know that it was God fighting my battles – I was the one who was thinking it was me, therefore; paying the consequences. But God – He was in control all the while.

We never quite see that picture of God being in control when we are in a middle of a life crisis. It’s always in retrospect that we see how God was moving at that time in our life – right. I look back now and think “how can there not be a God” seriously – it can’t be by shear luck that I have survived this mess of a life up until now. God’s hand has been all over my life and especially these past 3-1/2 years.

A few days ago I got a chance to listen to one of my favorite pastors, Bishop TD Jakes. I download his podcasts and listen when I can. For some time now I have gotten out of the  habit of doing so, but God, being the God he is, all caring and all loving, gave me a little nudge to listen again. And oh did I get a good message.  The message is named Growing in the Dark part 1 and my goodness did it hit the mark for me.

He talks about how when  you are weary, tired you tend to lay your head in the wrong places. Meaning you make mistakes, poor judgements in areas of your life that you wouldn’t have if you were rested. It looks at Sampson’s life to show the comparison of his times of weariness to ours and it really spoke to me that I have been laying my head in the wrong place, therefore unable to rest and become stronger.  Bishop Jakes spoke that  you cannot be tempted by what you have enough of, it’s the things that you never received that you are tempted by.  Think about that….it sure opened my eyes.

When you are weary it can blind you to see what is really in front of you. What is in front of you looks good and you are blinded or impressed by what you see. But you don’t see who they are, or what they stand for. You see what your weariness lets you see. Because when  you are tired you can’t see the reality of your situation. Temptations come so quickly and from many directions that you cannot see them coming. Then you find yourself in a situation you cannot see a way out. Then there is God.

When you pray for the weariness to leave you, pray that you will not be tempted while  you are weary. For temptation comes to the weary very easily. I know for I have been tempted when I am weary. When I have laid my head down and trusted – the dark one comes to tempt you with what He knows will take you out. My friends be very careful of weariness for it can destroy you. It can eat you alive and it allows the dark one to enter your life and destroy all that you have left. Keep God at the center of your life and take rest as he has commanded us to. When God gives you favor – He opens your eyes to what is standing before you even when you are weary.

  “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God” – Eph 2:8 NIV

God can turn things around – even your weariness. Even as a strong person, there is vulnerability….God see that, but so does the Devil. The contradictions of life can blind you to connect to the very things you hate and stay away from the very things you love. We are walking on shaky ground here. A foundation that is crumbling because of weariness. On exhaustion.  Get some rest. Rest in God’s word. Crawl up in the Lord’s lap and sleep. When I say sleep – I mean spend time with Him. Take in all He has to give you.

I’m alive today to speak about this – I know first hand how God can reach down and grab ahold of you when He has a life for  you that you have yet to live. And I, I reached up out of the darkness and grabbed His hand. You know life doesn’t just stand at your door waiting for you. Just like God, He is right there for you, but you have to hold up your hand. Just like life at your door, you gotta open that door and walk through it in faith. That my friends is a work in progress for me. Is it for you?

Until next time,

M

 

Weariness

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He makes me to lie down in green pastures. – Psalm 23:2 NKJV

  

In looking back at my life I can definitely see that there were times in my life where weariness led to a path of destruction. When I was “tired” I saw that I had made some very poor judgments. Wrong choices about who I hung out with, or where I chose to spend my time. So could it possible that remaining in a place of weariness may turn out to be one of the most dangerous places for a human to be. Let’s dive a little deeper.

First I think we need to define what weariness means. I’ll have to make you aware that there are many different ways one can be weary. But first we’ll visit good  old Webster for a clear definition:

Weariness

1 : exhausted in strength, endurance, vigor, or freshness
2 : expressing or characteristic of weariness <a weary sign>
3 : having one’s patience, tolerance, or pleasure exhausted —used with of
4 : wearisome

http://www.merriam-webster.com/netdict/weariness

So it looks as though weariness can take on a few different forms. Perhaps even somewhat interconnected. Think about it: if you have a lack of sleep – that can lead to a feeling weariness which then can continue on to showing signs of weariness…..poor judgment, poor tactile responses, lack of patience. – Yeah I’ve had most of them over the past 3-1/2 years since the death of my daughter. Hell I’ve had most of those all my life. Why?

For me I think I’ve always been a light sleeper. A light wind can come across my face and I’ll be awake. Or watching Grey’s Anatomy season finale made me have bad dreams. So many things can affect my sleep. The quality of my sleep. Work used to keep me up a lot of hours during the night. Wondering about my patients and their families. You see I’m a very caring person. I carry not only the burdens of my own life, but the lives of others. It’s the way God built me.  Perhaps why I became a nurse.

Sleep has eluded me for many years. Not always, but for a large part of my life I have struggled with sleep. In looking back at the how my life  unfolded from age 6 I can see why. It’s like my life has always been on guard. I became a caretaker at an early age because my father left us so early. My youngest brother was 6 weeks old and I was 6. As my mom had to go out and work multiple jobs to keep us together – I became a young mother. That is when my body took over and became a “watchdog” and the pattern of weariness began.

Fast forward to my time with Brittany….finding myself in a fight for her life at the age of 11 months from encephalitis. Seeing her through the many ramifications of that illness ending with her death 17 years later. I was always running on empty. Little sleep and that quality of sleep was not good I’m sure. Again finding myself  a “watchdog” again – but this time so much at stake. My future, my only reason for living – everything I ever wanted living on the edge.

Then the day she died….it’s as if a watershed of weariness came over me and I became exhausted. And I’ve been fighting back with everything I have ever since. There is a lesson here people and it’s gonna be revealed later. But it’s a big one. So stay tuned.

from Traveling Light by Max Lucado – page 42

“The bow cannot always be bent without fear of breaking. For a field to bear fruit, it must occasionally lie fallow. And for you to be healthy you must rest. Slow down, and God will heal you. He will bring rest to your mind, to your body, and most of all to your soul. He will lead you to green pastures.”

 

until next time

m

Where is the happiness?

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This post will be based on Chapter 4  – The Prison of Want: The Burden of Discontent from Max Lucado’s book “Traveling Light” and written from the perspective of a grieving mother, daughter and woman.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want – Psalm 23:1

 

Today in church I sat and listened to our pastor talk about family and how in today’s world our families have become disconnected. Running here and there and everywhere, yet never taking the time to stop and rest. To look at what they have or who they are. They have become this frazzled, anxiety-ridden family who have lost the meaning of what a family should be.

As I sat there next to a family I love dearly, knowing how crazy their lives are and how sometimes very stressful their lives must be going here and there meeting deadlines and traveling from practice to practice. Yet as I sat there looking at them, I was saddened. I was saddened because I no longer knew what family meant – it certainly didn’t look like theirs: Husband, wife, and 3 beautiful kids. You see growing up my family never looked anything like that. It was fractured, broken and most of all empty. Always a sense of we were one step away from a disaster of master proportions – all because a father chose to walk away.

Then I was also reminded that because my mother had died and my grandmother 5 years after her – the family I did know was fractured even further. Then a divorce and the death of my only child left me with a pit of sorrow in my belly I had to leave the church. I so wanted what my friend had – I never felt more lonely than I did at that moment. What had been taken from me was family. Everything I knew to be family – has always been taken from me. What I didn’t realize is that I had always defined myself by my family no matter how dysfunctional or fractured it was it was still my family.

Lucado mentions in the book that we tend to live in a prison of want so often that once we obtain what we want – it quickly looses its luster and again we are imprisoned again by the desire of want. Just wanting that one thing, that one thing that would make us feel whole again. The person who could make it all better. But you know what it doesn’t happen that way. And it’s taken me 52 years to figure that one out.

“Life is not defined by what you have, even when  you have a lot” (Luke 12:15 msg). Heaven does not know you as the fellow with the nice suit or the woman with the big house or the kid with the new bike. Heaven knows your heart.”

 So after reading the passage above I thought then what is it that we are supposed to be looking for to fill that void. What could it be that would create a sense of joy that would overcome the sense of pain and sorrow that now resided in my empty heart.  After finishing the chapter I realized that the only thing that can make a difference in my life, the only thing that can bring me joy that can create in me a sense of peace is God. My shepherd. My Lord.

Then I read the final passage that made it all so very clear:

When we surrender to God the cumbersome sack of discontent, we don’t just give up something; we gain something. God replaces it with a lightweight tailor-made, sorrow-resident attache of gratitude.

When you have realized your gratitude the contentment will come, the happiness will follow. You may see improvement in so many areas of your life that will create a sense of wonder like you’ve never seen before.

As Lucado suggests begin with repeating the following:

“The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.”

Again – “The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.”

Again – “The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.”

And Again – “The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.”

I think this can remind us that if we know we shall not want, we will gain so much just beginning with a heart of gratitude.

until next time,

m