Category: grief journey

Bruised But Not Broken by Joss Stone

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written by Diane Warren

Been a lot that I’ve been through
I cried a tear a time or two
Baby, you know I cried some over you, yeah
Had my heart kicked to the ground
Love ripped me up and tore me down, baby
But that ain’t enough to break
‘Cause I’ll rise above it
And I’ll pick myself up
And I’ll dust the pain off of my heart

And I’ll be alright
And I’ll love again
And the wounds will mend
I’m bruised but not broken
And the pain will fade
I’ll get back my feet
It’s not the end of me
My heart is still open
I’m bruised but not broken

Been a lot of tear strained nights
I thought the tears were here for life, baby
The hurt came on and held on tight, yeah
Took a chance, I took a fall
Love broke my heart and shattered all my dreams
But I won’t be down on my knees
‘Cause I’ll rise above it
And I’ll pick myself up
And I’ll shake the rain out of my heart

And I’ll be alright
And I’ll love again
And the wounds will mend
I’m bruised but not broken
And the pain fill fade
I’ll get back my feet
It’s not the end of me
My heart is still open
I’m bruised but not broken

Gonna pick my heart up
Take my life back
Shake the hurt away
Pull myself together, put the pieces back in place
See, I learned love’s so hard
Love left my soul scarred
I was shattered inside

And I’ll be alright
And I’ll love again
And the wounds will mend
I’m bruised but not broken
And the pain fill fade
I’ll get back my feet
It’s not the end of me
My heart is still open
I’m bruised but not broken

The words of this song is like my theme song. I first heard this song after Brittany died and the break up of someone I had in my life who couldn’t handle her death. These words couldn’t have explained my heart any better than my own. Though the video isn’t Joss’ best performance of the song – I love the genuineness of it as she is singing it for Diane who is in the audience.

Enjoy

M

Mother’s Day

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I am reposting this Mother’s Day note because this is the season of grief that I am in now….. Mother’s day to me has become the worst holiday of them all. It has become meaningless in the face of tragic loss and a fragmented life left in it’s wake. But once it passes – I will again see the beauty of life and all it has to offer….but until then I cry, I weep, I mourn and I do it without shame or without regret for it is my journey to healing…

 

When you lose your only child, and your mother, and your grandmother – Mother’s Day becomes a day you dread more than any other. Over the past three years since my daughter’s death, I have come to dread this day over her “angel” day, her birthday or any other holiday.

The one thing I know for sure is I am so very grateful it comes on the heels of Easter. It is because of the Resurrection of Jesus that I can continue to breathe and move forward without my baby. My hope is in the Lord and that I will see her again very soon. What a joyous occasion that will be.

I know that for some unbelievers this concept can be a stretch. But just let me say that I would rather believe in God and have his love and compassion keep me filled with love and hope than to not believe and feel my life had been wasted. My hope in the Resurrection rests firmly on my beliefs that Brittany is with God now and one day I will be reunited with her. That is how I get through each and every day.

Does that make going through the remainder of my days filled with emptiness any easier. Sometimes. But I can’t imagine living a life without hope. Can you?

Blessings

M

It’s my way or the highway….

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So here we are at the next chapter of “Traveling Light” by Max Lucado. Just traveling along with him as he writes his book and then reflecting how it impacts the grieving process of a single mother just trying to make it to the next level.

Chapter Two

I’ll Do It My Way – The Burden of Self-Reliance

Well just the title alone speaks volumes for someone like me. Raised without a father, a mother who worked her butt off to keep her family together and at the age of 7 taking the responsibility of helping to raise my 5 younger brothers. So I learned self-reliance very early in my life.

So often during my younger years I was told by my mother – don’t do it that way or you’ll regret it. But oh no I had to do it my way – and so often she was right. But I was stubborn and wanted to do things my way. No matter what. Oh to only be able to take those days back and have a do over. I should have listened more. Because you know what – mammas  – they are always right. Perhaps their message may be outdated – but the core message is the same. What happened twenty years ago still happens today – just a different medium.

Lucado mentions a quiz in this chapter to see how one might measure their self-reliance. So I decided to take this quiz and the results are as follows:

You can control your moods: You are always upbeat, never grumpy or sullen. Does this describe you? – NO

You are at peace with everyone: Every relationship is sweet as fudge. Love all and loved by all. Is that you? MAYBE

You have no fears: Teflon Toughie. Nothing bothers you. Does this describe you? NO NO and NO

You need no forgiveness: Never made a mistake. Square as game of checkers. As clean as grandma’s kitchen. Does this describe you? I’d say a resounding NO

So he goes on to review the possible answers:
You can’t control your moods – A few of your relationships are shaky – You have fears and faults! OMG I’m thinking I have failed this quiz miserably. But what he is really speaking to is that if the answers to these questions describe us – then why are we holding on to something that isn’t working for us. Good question.

Is it in our human nature to always think “we got it” – “I got it under control” – I can tell  you without a doubt that I don’t have much in control. I have found that over the past 3-1/2 years I have given so much over to God because I could no longer keep up. The failures were too hard to take. The pain and agony affected my moods and infected my relationships. Everywhere I looked in my life I had failed. I was a freakin mess. I needed God more than ever. That is where my life took a dramatic turn.

The day I realized I had no control and had to turn it all over to God was the first day in my life that I felt some sense of relief. The freedom of releasing the burdens I had carried for so long.  There is something freeing when you hand over all the garbage of your life to God and let him take control. You know like the song by Carrie Underwood “Jesus Take The Wheel”. I so related to that song. I needed Jesus to that the wheel – so I could lie down and rest. And that is just what He did.

Lucado goes on to rephrase the 23rd Psalm if one doesn’t give control over to the Shepherd and it goes like this:

I am my own shepherd, I am always in need
I stumble from mall to mall and shrink to shrink, seeking relief but never finding it
I creep through the valley of the shadow of death and fall apart.
I fear everything from pesticides to power lines, and I’m starting to act like my mother.
I go down to the weekly staff meeting and am surrounded by enemies.
I go home, and even my goldfish scowls at me.
I anoint my headache with extra-strength Tylenol.
My Jack Daniel’s runneth over.
Surely misery and misfortune will follow me, and I will live in self-doubt for the rest of my lonely life.

 

Wow – I don’t know about you, but I remember thinking some of those thoughts he out-lined above. I also know that I don’t want to ever go back to that place. But the humanness in us allows it. The brokeness in us allows it. The fear in us allows it.  But if you choose to turn it all over and let God have it. The fear fades away, the brokeness begins to heal and the humanness remains but lives in the light of the one who has made you to do great things.

until next time,

m

Who is God?

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This is the 2nd part in a series based on the book from Max Lucado called “Traveling Light” – I encourage you to read if you haven’t already.

This series will be written through the eyes of a grieving mother and a child of God. My plan is to use Lucado’s book “Traveling Light” to inspire, enlighten and empower grieving parents, family members and friends to move through their experience and see God’s plan and to know His love.

 

When you are grieving a loss like the loss of a child it’s so easy to lose your focus on just about everything.  It’s as if blinders have been put on your face and all you can see is the immense pain and sorrow that prevails over your life. It’s as if a dark cloud hovers over your life and the sun cannot penetrate it. A black veil has been hung over your heart and will forever be there as a reminder of the profound loss that remains.

Fortunately for me, I had a foundation of faith at the time of my daughter’s death. Now it wasn’t as strong as it is today, but it was better than nothing. But here’s the real gift for me – I never really understood who God was until my daughter’s death. You can say “well how is that a gift” – well my dear friends, the gift is that God showed His face, His love and His mercy over my life every time I called His name and sometimes when the words were silent that came from my mouth. When all I could do was wail from the pressing sorrow that came from all sides.

For me God showed up and took my hand through the “Valley of Death” – that I will write more about later. But first I want to address who God is – in a way that I saw who He was and still is today for me, a mother who has lost the most precious gift of all – my daughter. To understand who God is; how magnificent He is and how awesome He is – creates a place for healing to begin in your heart as it has in mine. It doesn’t happen overnight and for me, it’s still a work in progress.

So – Who is God? Lucado describes God in a way that moved me to tears and he says it this way “He is the One who Is” “One who creates” “He is an uncaused God” “God is Yahweh an unchanging God, an uncaused God and an ungoverned God”.  So what I took from this is my God is a constant in my life. He’s a consistent calm in a stormy sea. He is always there and never leaves me. That is a comfort when you have a grieving soul.

“Counselors can comfort you in the storm, but you need a God who can still the storm. Friends can hold  your hand at your deathbed, but you need a Yahweh who has defeated the grave. Philosophers can debate the meaning of life, but you need a Lord who can declare the meaning of life. You need a Yahweh.” – from Max Lucado’s Traveling Light

I love that segment of the book because it really puts God at the center of any situation and hopefully shows you that no matter what you are dealing with God is there. I have felt that for many months and now years since my daughter’s death. Although some of the time I wasn’t sure I was feeling God’s presence – I still knew by faith that He was there.

I think in the early days of my faith, before Brit’s death I put God up on shelf – kinda like my bible. Took it down when I needed it or needed Him. But since my world was shattered, and let me just say that Brittany’s death was for me the straw that broke the camel’s back. I’ve had many other life shattering events – but my only child dying right before my eyes – well that rocked my world so profoundly – yet God remained.

Now God no longer sits up on the shelf of my life – He remains at the center of my life – leading me through the valleys and giving me rest when I need it. Blessing me everyday even though I don’t always see it. God has now saturated my life and that has been the very life blood I needed to move forward on the journey that I am now on. That is why I write so that God’s love can been seen through the fractured vantage point of unimaginable grief.

Stay tuned as we next visit – I’m gonna do it my way – it’s all I know – or so I thought…..

until next time

m

Max Lucado

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I have decided that over the next few weeks, maybe months – I will be writing my journey through one of the best books Max Lucado has ever written – at least from my perspective. That book is “Traveling Light” and it’s been quite the adventure to read through his thoughts and ideas about what it means to release the excess baggage we all tend to carry around throughout our life. It is my hope that you too enjoy the journey with me.

Max’s book is based on the Promise of Psalm 23 and we begin with that now….

The Lord is my shepherd
I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths or righteousness
For His name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil.
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord Forever. (NKJV)

 

Lucado eludes to something that I think we all see, but fail to understand. And that is this – we see this Psalm in so many familiar places….our churches, our homes, christian bookstores, our bibles – but do we really believe these words? Do we really take these words of comfort and make them real in our lives? I know for me I have said that Psalm so many times, but haven’t really picked it apart to understand to the depths its real meaning in my life, especially today.

Crawling up and into the Lord’s lap and taking comfort in His peace and grace is a vision I treasure. It was a gift someone gave me after Brittany died when I was struggling to hold onto my faith. I dropped everything I knew and everything I was feeling and just imagined crawling up into His lap and letting the feeling of having a Father, the One and Only God, love me, soothe my weary mourning soul. It was truly one of the most healing things I’ve done thus far on this journey.

What am I getting to? Well perhaps, just maybe – it’s possible to let go of all the baggage, all the pain, all the bad stuff and let God do what He does best and that’s love us unconditionally and to give us a peace that passes all understanding.

Hang with me – this is gonna be one great ride.

Until next time,

m

When Everything Changes

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I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the past few days and I have come to the conclusion that it’s hard to reinvent yourself late in life. How do you move forward to a new life when you’re still are reeling from the past one? Where does one start? How do  you get the ball rolling – so to speak.

There are a lot of books out there about reinventing  yourself – but it mostly is directed towards a profession. I’m talking about digging down deep and finding out one of two things: who are you? or who are you meant to be? Because clearly after a life change  you are not who you once were. Despite friends and family wishing you would just pick right back up and move on the same ole’ person you were before.

Reinventing who you are starts with finding out what matters to you. What morals do you believe in, live by. What value to put on – anything? Even  yourself. Perhaps writing a “mission statement” for yourself might be a good place to start. Something to think about – then of course, you’d have to know and understand what a mission statement is. I’ll tell you I know what it is not – a picture you hang on your wall for everyone to view, but for no one to live by. I know you’ve seen them hanging in the halls of many businesses’ right? – I have.

Franklin Covey has a great website for helping someone write their own personal “mission statement” – here is my first attempt using their website:

I am at my best when I am surrounded by grateful people..
I will try to prevent times when I am surrounded by hurtful people and when I am lonely.
I will enjoy my work by helping facilitate communication between management and my teams..
I will find enjoyment in my personal life by making people smile..
I will find opportunities to use my natural talents and gifts such as my love being creative –  Photography, jewelry, advertising, mentoring..
I can do anything I set my mind to. I will help unsuspecting people in need..
My life’s journey is about my faith in God and fulfilling the purpose He has created for me..
I will be a person who my friends thought I was a great friend, mentor and lover of life..
My most important future contribution to others will be to make sure my nieces and nephews don’t ever forget my late daughter who lived life out loud and full of joy.

I will stop procrastinating and start working on:

  • feeding the hungry
  • recycling
  • mentoring young people

I will strive to incorporate the following attributes into my life:

  • Love everyone
  • help the needy
  • live everyday grateful – even when life got tough

I will constantly renew myself by focusing on the four dimensions of my life:

  • walking outside and seeing God’s creation
  • Spending time with my spiritual family at church.
  • Meditation when I can.
  • Watching a funny movie. Laughing

So there  you go…. go give it a try. http://www.franklincovey.com/msb/

Until next time,

m

 

Empty Hand

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“When you give birth to a daughter, you’ve just met the person whose hand you’ll be holding the day you die”. – saw this on a friend’s status and it took me back. The way it’s suppose to be – yet for my family it has not been. Two times a mother has buried her child first. My grandmother buried my mom who was 48 when she died. I said goodbye to my daughter who was just 1 month shy of 18. Not the way it suppose to be..

When I speak of loneliness I am referring to the statement above and what it means to not have a women in my life. When I say women I mean a mother figure or a daughter figure. I have great friends, but when you’re on your death-bed – I wonder whose gonna be holding my hand.

My grandmother held my mom’s hand, as did I watched her take her last breath. Slowly with each breath there was a pause, then another. With each wave the breaths become more labored and longer in between. Then as I sat there on her bed, 7 months pregnant – I whispered in her ear “it’s ok mom – you can go now, I’ll be ok”. And with that a small tear dropped from her right eye. I remember it so vividly. As my uncle, her brother sat close by – I watched, I held her hand, I wept as she took her last breath. I remember it as if it happened yesterday though it happened September 16th, 1988 at 1pm.

My plane had just landed and I rushed to my grandmother’s bedside in the ICU unit. I remember saying to my grandfather – I don’t want to watch another women die. You see I was still reeling from my mother’s death 5 years before. I walked it and said “red” my little nickname for her because she had red hair and a wicked fiery attitude to go with it. She was on a vent and couldn’t speak. I was told she was not responding. However, when I said “red” her head slightly turned. I know she knew I was there. Then as I held her hand, she passed. I was in nursing school at the time and the ICU nurse let me help prepare her body. That was a healing time for me.

In the last 12 hours of Brittany’s life – I was by her bedside – never leaving. Holding her hand, praying for her. Brushing her long beautiful curly red hair. Sitting there in disbelief that we were there at that moment – it seemed as if I was reliving a moment I had experienced with the two other most important women in my life. As I said goodbye to my daughter I collapsed over her body and vowed never again to love like that again. The pain is present with me now and always will be. Her PICU nurse stayed with us long after her shift. Brittany died October 13th 2006 at 6:55 am. A friend came by and we together prepared Brittany’s body so she would look peaceful. I have some pictures that I’ve never shared. Because we chose not to have a casket and to cremate her, the child life specialist felt it was necessary for me to have those pictures. I didn’t think so at the time, but so glad I have them now. Walking out of that room 4 hours later was harder than I thought. I reached the door and stopped cold. I looked at my friend and said “I can’t leave her here” – I’m a nurse – I know what happens next. She’ll be put in a body bag and taken to the morgue. I had to quickly get that thought out of my mind. Then the child life specialist came to me and  handed me the pictures. And it was then I was able to leave. Crying all the way home.

So you can see I have held the hand of the 3 most important women in my life. Now – it’s the loneliest time in my life. What my future holds I don’t know. But I know God knows and I’m praying He will continue to light my path as I continue my journey of healing.

until next time

m

Today There Are No Words

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Today there are no words
no words to express
the sorrow that is consuming
my existence.

Today there are no words
no words to describe
the pain that resides
in my heart.

Today there are no words
no words to convince me
that it really will get better.

Today there are no words
no words to give my breaking
heart peace.

Today there are no words
no words to comfort my
broken spirit, no not today.

Today there are no words
no words to soothe my
weary grieving heart, no
not today.

Today there are no words
no words, just tears
tears of disappointment
tears of sorrow
tears of brokeness.

Today there are just no words…..

until next time

m

Conflicted Spirit

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Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the process of grieving and the many avenues one goes down before you realize that grieving is a life long process. So often we read that grief occurs in stages and one would go from one stage to another moving towards some resolution of what has happened.

But in reality this grief I feel, this grief I live with, it’s here for the long haul. It has changed me. I have learned that I can not be who I was before. So that means I am grieving not only my daughter’s death, but the life I had as well. The person I was before. I’m seriously conflicted about the person I have become because of this horrible tragedy in my life. The flame of my spirit has been diminished.

On one hand I have never been more confident of God’s presence in my life. My spiritual life has grown by leaps and bounds. And I know that may sound odd to you if you are moving through this experience or you know someone who is, but it’s the way it is. God showed up big time in my life in the weeks and months after Brittany’s death. Had He not, I would not be here now writing this blog post. So why am I so conflicted now?

I think in large part it’s because I’m still unsure of my future and what it holds. I want so much to move forward but find it difficult to take that leap of faith towards something I don’t know. I wonder why I have such trouble letting people get close to me. I know some of the reasoning is because I fear love again because for me love is a means to an end. Always has and I don’t know any better. But my faith in God tells me something very different.

That God has such good things in store for us if we would only believe. His promises for blessings that will be poured out on us so much that the blessings will overflow in our life. I want so much to reach out and grab that blessing, but it’s fear that keeps it at a distance. Fear of loss haunts my very being. I can’t even imagine surviving another loss in my life. I’ve had so many I can’t even count.

I remember writing once about the Tug of War that goes on in my life. And that story still holds true today. It’s exhausting to exist some days. I really believe it’s because I have to reach out and grab life again. To experience what God has promised. To love again. But it’s so hard. So very hard. It feels like a dreary day when all you want to do is climb under the covers and shut it all out. Then there are days when I go out into the world and bask in the glory of God’s creation and as the sun hits my face I am reminded just how  much I love life.

until next time

m

A Mourning Mother’s Easter Message

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Today across the world Christians celebrate the Risen King. The resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead. The hope that Easter brings comfort to so many. The joy knowing that when Christ returns again, the painful, woeful and sorrowful world as we know it will end and the most powerful joy and love will forever reign.

Growing up Easter meant Easter baskets overflowing with candy and a stuffed bunny. Coloring eggs with my brothers and our mother. It meant getting all dressed up with our new Easter outfits and attending church. It was tradition. Having an Easter meal with grandparents and family. But today my friends, I understand the true meaning of Easter and I have a profound sorrow that not everyone gets that.

It’s not about the Easter Bunny. It’s not about Easter Egg Hunts. It’s not about Easter Bonnets and Easter Dresses. It’s not about going to church once or twice a year because that’s what you do. No my dear friends it’s so much more. It’s about life. It’s about knowing that God so loved the world that He would give His only son so that you and I could have eternal life; if only we are to accept Him.

I really never got the latter part of that until my daughter died. Oh, I was going to church every Sunday before her death. And when Brittany was with me on the weekends, we went together. We loved going to our church in Michigan. We had a small church family in a very large church community.

You see my Brittany, she loved Jesus with all of her heart and soul. She loved what Jesus stood for – she lived it every day. Caring for the least of those – you know the ones people turned their eyes away from. The people who were homeless and uncared for. The cast offs. Because she knew all to well what it felt like to be a cast off. The friend no one wanted. But it was not until her trip to Costa Rica with her church did she understand that the acceptance of her friends her peers didn’t matter. It was living for God that mattered. Her life was forever changed after that trip. She became a new person. She walked the talk.

After my daughters death I came to know Jesus in a more personal way. I had to because my life depended on it. My walk with God has changed so much since Brittany’s passing. In the early weeks and months I clung to the hope of the resurrection. The power of the resurrection, I believe, is what keeps us grievers going. Knowing that our pain and suffering will be no more. That our loved ones who have gone before us no longer suffer from ailments, from pain, from the anguish of what life throws your direction on a daily basis.

The hope of the resurrection brings us the message that we will not only see Jesus. Which I must say reminds me of the song by Mercy Me “I Can Only Imagine”. But we will also see our loved ones who have gone on to be with Jesus before us. I remember so vividly clutching onto that knowing my Brittany was dancing and sitting at the feet of Jesus and enjoying the warmth of His glow and the joy that must radiate from His presence.

I know that I am alive today because of the hope of the resurrection. I believe. I have an all-consuming faith that Jesus will come again and I think sooner than later. He will return to stop the madness that our world is constantly facing today. That the sorrows of the world will pass away and joy will return to a fallen world. At my darkest hour in grief I still know that my God reigns and He loves me and wants for me to see joy again.

My joy comes from God and God alone. Where does your joy come from? I hope you know Jesus. In the immortal words of my daughter “Do you know Jesus?” – “God is in every snowflake that falls.” “God is everywhere” – Can you believe? Can you feel it?

Until next time

m