Category: grief journey

Faith Revealed

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Greater view of an awesome God we serve

Who does great things…

Not having the answers to everything. Stop asking why. Trust requires having unanswered questions in your life. Because life can be unfair. So very unfair. But we are not to understand. We are to have a grand faith that God will provide. Trusting God is one of the hardest things we can do, however, our survival depends on it.

I know I’ve had numerous conversations with God about why my mom had to die at 48. Why my grandmother was taken at the age of 70 and now my daughter at the age of 17. Why? I never got any answers to those questions. Perhaps one day in Heaven I’ll get my answers. But for now I just have to know that it was God’s will and trusting that He knows the plans for me, for us. Plans that I can’t even begin to fathom.

I love a comment that Joyce Meyer said once “Stop Trying To Figure It Out” – in fact she yelled it. Trying to get through to the listeners that we needed to stop thinking so much and listen to our hearts. Our brains take us often down the wrong road. Too much thinking brings confusion.

Sometimes God brings you through a time that brings you to your knees asking why. I think that if we stop asking why and let God use us to do something incredible for His kingdom. Because that it why we are brought through tough times. I mean think about it….if no one experienced pain and sorrow and moved toward helping others – where would we be. We’d be a lost group of grievers.

So many people have come my way since my daughter died. Helping me on some level. From various authors to great friends. All of them had experienced a life-changing event. They chose to use their pain and sorrow for good and not evil. They didn’t allow the evil one to come into their life and bring them into a season of pain. It happens. It happens all to easily.

It’s harder to walk in the light. Because it requires great faith. The type of faith that extends a loving hand. The type that validates one’s pain and stands beside them even if it’s just to be present with them. Faith in a greater power than us, keeps us humble. It helps us to be more acutely aware of the pain and sorrow that surrounds us and to motivate us to help, to serve.

Think back on Jesus’ life and you’ll see that His life is what He wants for us. One that walks in love and cares for all no matter what the circumstances. To be the light and love. To have an unyielding faith that brings hope to your friends, family your neighbors. To anyone that sees you can see God.

So hows your faith and what are you doing to increase it?

until next time

m

The Reality Folks

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Just a reminder…….Although I may have bad days – God always reveals Himself to me through my great many friends to have continued to stand by me unafraid to pray, love and surround me with their friendship. To all of you and I know you are reading this, because you care about me that much – may God richly bless you for reaching out to a hurting person.

Love – M

 

I wanted to make a “public statement” about how I grieve for my daughter, for the many losses I’ve had in my life. I get the sense that there may be some people who read this blog and think I’m not doing well. There may be even some of you who think I’ve taken some steps back. Well, I’m here to tell you that is nonsense.

What I write here is what every parent whose had to bury their young child wants to say, needs to say and should say. But is often snuffed out by well-meaning family members, friends, church members etc. What I write here is real, I don’t soften the blow because that wouldn’t be real. Being real means getting right the first time. Speaking what is true, not what others want to hear.

My pain is written out right here in front of anyone who cares to read it. And I’m ok with that. It doesn’t mean I’ve gone off the deep end. It doesn’t mean I’m depressed. It means simply I choose to write my journey so that some how it may help someone else, some parent whose lost and alone to see that they in fact are not alone. That there are a lot of us out here in the writing community who bleed on paper so to speak.

It’s one of the most healing things I’ve ever done. I will not apologize for mourning the loss of my daughter, nor will I be stifled because my words make a few people uncomfortable. Because you know what – the day my daughter – my life got uncomfortable and it’s been that way ever since.

So if you don’t want to see some wonderful Godly works going on here then don’t read my blog. Because God is doing great things through me, with me, for me and I choose to write about the journey.

Until next  time,

m

Flowing Tears Bring Healing They Say

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 Tearless grief bleeds inwardly.  ~Christian Nevell Bovee

I love this quote by Bovee because it validates the need to let go of your grief – it’s ok to cry. And today, I cried and I cried hard and I cried at church, in front of people. I saw one of my friends who happens to be a prayer partner and I walked up to her and burst into tears. Then tears began to roll down her face, I didn’t even have to say a word.

Tears speak about the pain your heart feels. The hurts you have endured for so long. Tears are the voice of those past hurts. If we hold those tears in, unwilling to let them flow when they come, we stifle the voice of the pain and hurt. In essence we bury the past for another day. But it always comes back. Always.

To weep is to make less the depth of grief.  ~William Shakespeare, King Henry the Sixth

After months and months of avoiding going up after the service to have someone pray with me about how I was feeling, today I took that leap of faith. I think some part was because of the setting we were in. The new “Sanctuary” venue made it so much more contemplative. But truly it was because it was the right time. Seeing my friend there, I knew I was going to be in safe hands. She knew my story. I didn’t have to say a word.

Tears are God’s gift to us.  Our holy water.  They heal us as they flow.  ~Rita Schiano, Sweet Bitter Love, 1997, published by The Reed Edwards Company

Funny thing about tears…afterwards you feel better…like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders that you’ve been carrying a while. On the other hand, I was exhausted. Crying is like work. It takes a lot of energy to cry. The deep sorrowful crying that comes with deep and sorrowful pain. It felt good to cry, but some how I know it will happen again and again.

Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts.  ~Charles Dickens, Great Expectations, 1860

And you know what – it’s ok. Tears are healing. They cleanse the soul. Tears purge out the anguish. So le the waterworks begin.

Until next time

m

The Many Facets of Grief

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Sometimes topics come to me in a quick thought, or sometimes by something I have seen or heard but today it was a question someone asked: What are you writing about today? And my response was Pain, suffering, angst, grief & redemption. So here it goes.

The pain of loss is so profound that one cannot explain how it feels. I’ve attempted several times on this blog and in my book to put the pain to words and somehow I don’t think I’ve ever come close. In looking back at some of the poetry and other blog posts I do see the pain very clearly. But still those words – they are just words. They cannot put a speck of meaning to the hole in my heart, in my life and in my future that remains from the loss of my daughter.

The pain resides like a never healing sore. It gets better some days and gets worse on other days. How do I know that you might be thinking. Well every time I hear of a child who passes, it stops me dead in my tracks and immediately get teary-eyed and think “oh those parents”. I know their pain. I know it personally, inside and out. It’s tragic and scary and no one wants to think about it, talk about, write about – but it happens every day. Today my sore got worse.

Today I heard of the passing of little girl from cancer. Tears welled up in my eyes. I don’t even know this child, this family. But I immediately felt a connection. Sometimes when I hear of a child passing, it takes me back to the dark place I don’t like. The place that I don’t want to visit anymore. The nightmarish morning I lost my daughter. Sometimes it just makes me sad for that family. I feel their loss so very personally. Because I know today their sore begins.

The sore represents suffering. Suffering comes like waves of an angry sea. Crashing up on the rocks of our life causing you to gasp for your breath and just when you feel like you have your breath, the waves come back again and again and again. Knocking you down so many times you don’t think you can get up. But you do.

You get up because you have to. You go on because you have to. But the suffering it goes on. It just lessons over time and comes back only to remind you of what you have lost – as if you would forget. This is grief. The grief is a veil one wears over their wounded heart. The veil of grief is a heavy burden to bare. It weighs you down and keeps you from seeing joy.

The angst comes in how you start to live your life out after you have lost so much. It can close off your heart from love because you feel like loving someone again would just be impossible. You find yourself not letting people get close for fear they will die. As you have some disease that makes people die. I certainly thought so. I mean really – my mom, my grandmother, my daughter, my aunt. It’s a laundry list of death and destruction.

But thank God there is a God of redemption – God promises to comfort those who mourn. He promises to heal the broken-hearted. He offers hope that by the resurrection we will be reunited with our loved ones again some day. So yes there is pain, suffering, angst, grief & redemption and I am grateful that I know my God is standing beside me every step of the way.

Until next time

m

The True Value of Friendship

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Lately I have been so disturbed by some things that have been happening with a few of my friends. I find it tragic on some levels that some have chosen to walk in a path that leads to the destruction of a fragile self-esteem and to create a sense of unity behind their motives.

For some time I have enjoyed my time with these friends. They have encouraged me during times of trouble, lifted me up when I was feeling down. But I feel as though we are drifting apart.  I think it’s in large part to the choices they have made to disconnect from someone I care about.

For me friendship is defined by the tough times. Because I’ve had enough of them to know who your real friends are in times of trouble. They are the ones who don’t give up on you when you’ve been kicked to the curb. When no one else wants to be with you because you aren’t living up to their expectations. Not performing the way they want you to.

Friendship should not be about what someone can do for you. It should be what you can do for someone else.  It’s about having compassion for one another, not breaking peoples hearts. It’s about holding them as Jesus would – holding them close to your heart and refusing to let them go just because you don’t agree with where they are going or what they are saying. You just stand by them, support them, pray for them, lift them up and hope that in the end they’ll be ok.

We as followers of Jesus are to be compassionate, caring, comforting, a blessing, diligent, fair, show mercy, show kindness, be grateful, provide guidance, help others, remain humble, give hope, be the joy, remain patient, provide – all these things are what a true friend does for another. Are you really doing that? Are you really speaking – walking – loving – respecting – honoring each and every person you know? I’m not so sure I’m seeing that.

I am reminded of a few stories in the Bible that clearly lay out what we must do if we are true followers of Christ.

Luke 15 – The Parable of the Lost Sheep

1 Corinthians 13 – Love is the Greatest

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance – verse 7

2 Corinthians 1  – God Offers Comfort to ALL

He comforts us in all our troubles so that WE can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.  – verse 4

I also love Matthew 5 – because we are given the very direction I believe keeps us on the path of doing great things for God. It was the Sermon on the Mount that God’s people were given the “Beatitudes”:

God blesses those wo are poor and realize their need for him., for the kingdom of Heaven is theirs.
God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
God blesses those who are humble, for they will inherit the whole earth.
God blesses those who hunger and thirst for justice, for they will be satisfied.
God blesses those who are merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
God blesses those whose hearts are pure, for they will see God.
God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God.
God blesses those who are persecuted for doing right, for the kingdom of Heaven is theirs.

My last thought: We have the ability to show love, to give love or to take love. God has commanded us to love. Not to judge and criticize. If we chose to take love and hurt others we open the door for destruction and pain not only for the person whom we have hurt, but for ourselves.

My Challenge to You: Do the right thing…walk in love….choose to give and not take….be merciful – for one day you might find yourself needing love, joy, kindness and mercy – go knowing that you will have it if you need it.

until next time,

m

Fighting for my Faith

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A REPOST FROM 2007 ABOUT FAITH – SEEMS AS THOUGH THIS APPLIES AS MUCH TODAY AS IT DID THEN…..

 

Today I heard a sermon that I needed to hear!

In the past few months my faith has taken a back seat. As I listened to the pastor at my GR church, I realized that I have let the devil take over my life in some areas. Most importantly my faith. My faith was beginning to take a downward turn. My outlook was getting dimmer and less optimistic. All because my faith had lost it’s voice.

I never understood just how much my church meant to my faith building. Being in the presence of believers with strong faith and charismatic praise has had a huge impact on me, especially during the first months after Brittany’s death. It was how I made it through every minute of every day. I surrounded myself with my fellow church members.

Now I’m in a new church – possibily looking for someplace else, but sorely lacking that support. Without that support, the devil has crept back in like the snake he is, and took advantage of my current circumstances.

This is what I was reminded of and believe I must do to receive healing:

Faith must have a voice!

Mark 11:23 “…whoever says to this mountain, be lifted up and thrown into the sea! and does not doubt at all in his heart but believes that what he says will take place. it will be done for him.”

Believe

Mark 11:24 “For this reason I am telling you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe (trust and be confident) that it is granted to you, and you will receive it.”

Forgive

Mark 11:25 “…if you have anything against anyone, forgive him and let it drop, in order for that your Father who is in heaven may also forgive you.”

Mark 11:22-26 is such an important passage for me and for anyone going through a tough time. I have looked the other way for too long and must get back on track. My life depends on it.

I am praying that God will help me to get back on tract so that I can live a balanced, victorious life.

until next time,

m

Consequences

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Today I heard something that I’ve known for some time. Something I have been told since I was a little girl. Something I told my own daughter as she was growing up. That is this – the decisions you make will lead to consequences. But what I didn’t realize or refused to acknowledge is that consequences can create an immense amount of pain and sorrow that can last for a lifetime.

For as long as I can remember I have walked a fine line of bad choices, wrong turns and missed opportunities. As I wrote in a post several weeks ago, my life has been a series of unfortunate events. In the beginning those events were caused by others – meaning my parents divorce, my dad choosing to leave his children and move on without so much as a word for years. Some other life-altering events caused by other adults that I choose to keep private. But it was some of the decisions that I made, for whatever reason, that placed me on a path of brokenness and that brokenness I didn’t recognize until today.

In looking back the decisions I made, the choices I went with seemed right at the time. But they weren’t – they led to heartache every time. When I look at my thought process for some of those decisions I can tell they were influenced by family, friends and sin. Yes I said it, the word, the albatross around our necks – SIN.

Today for the first time, I was presented with this thought – have all my bad decisions – wrong choices – created the train wreck of my life. Did some of my choices lead to the death of my daughter. I almost burst into tears during church today because I felt as if all my sin could have caused her death.  That thought was just too much to bare. I told myself I couldn’t go there. The guilt was horrific.

As I sat listening to the message in church today I prayed a prayer at the end that brought me to my knees. I began to pray for forgiveness. I came clean with God. For so long I have blamed my decisions on the behavior of others. I had to own it. At the end of the day, as an adult, I had to own those decisions. Today I gave it all to God. I laid it all out there.

The thing about repentance is that it has to come from the heart. Repentance has to be genuine. You know the ole saying “put the fear of God in you” – that’s all part of it. I want so much to please God. To make Him proud of me. I want Him to look at me one day when I stand before Him and say “nice recovery” “job well done” my good and faithful servant.

But today I had to pray with brutal honesty of my sin, I had to own it. I have never been more sorry for all of the bad choices I’ve made. I wiped away the tears that were streaming down my face. Broken and laid out before God – I asked Him to forgive me and make me clean. To restore joy in my life. Now I am moving forward in a direction that is toward God and not my own selfish ways.

For the rest of my days on this earth, my joy comes from the Lord and the Lord alone. Everything I do will praise and honor Him. Because without God I am nothing. Nothing but a sinful human who has no hope.

until next time

m

What does God look like?

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Today at church the message was about the story of David, in particular what he wrote as his “song” or “poem” to God. I know that for me this message was so important for this moment because I have wanted to for some time now write about how I have seen God and what I believe He how I believe He manifested Himself to me during the last 3 years since my daughter died.

I have written from time to time on this blog about some incredible people who have come into and out of my life. The various ways they came into my life and how at first I wasn’t sure who they were and how they would impact my life. Some of those people were people I hadn’t seen or heard from in years and some were mere acquaintances that have become life-long friends.

So in our pastor’s message today we were asked to write our Psalm or our Song to God. And I have to be honest it wasn’t hard for me. I began to wonder if that would have been the case 3 years ago. In the moments after Brittany died. In the moments where I thought I couldn’t see or feel anything. And, I have to say “yes” – yes I would have been able to write my song.

In the days and weeks after my daughter died, I went to church seeking, longing desperately to see God. To hear from God. To know that He was hearing my cries of pain and anguish.  You see my daughter died on a Friday and her Celebration of Life was that Sunday. One week later I was at church.

Now understand, I was at church, but I wasn’t my usual spiritual self. I sat in the back instead of near the front. I tried to sing, yet the words were silent that came forth from my mouth. The tears flowed like blood from my heart as I heard the songs from Ken Reynolds and the choir that sounded like angels singing. I was asked how could I be at church so soon,  and my response was “I don’t know where else to go”. This is where I felt closest to God and to Brittany.

So my friends I know this one thing for sure – God heard me. He heard me loud and clear. He sent Himself in the most extraordinarily simple ways – through His church. What do I mean by His church? The people like you and me who faithfully believe that God is everywhere and God is all-knowing. He feels our pain and He is angered when we are hurt by others.

Not long ago I had a chance to say something to someone who was hurting. Someone who wasn’t able to see God; to feel God. They had felt He was out on the periphery and just out of their reach. My response was this “God is not some glowing cloud of mass that will fly down and be present in our face in times of trouble” “God makes Himself present and available through the people who are here – right now – in your life” “We are the extension of God’s hand – take it because that is what He wants”. Trust that God is all around in us and through us; which makes us the very extension of God.
Brittany said to one of her friends during a candid conversation about God “God is everywhere, He is in every snowflake that falls”. How profound to see that at such a young age. To be able to understand that in the most simplistic terms God is always right beside us even though we cannot perceive it.

In writing my Psalm to God or my Song of Praise I am reminded that God sent Himself to me in my time of grief and loneliness through some very special people. So this I dedicated to them and to my God.

“Lord you have reached down and pulled me up from the depths of despair. You have breathed the breath of life into my broken-heart. I sing praises to your Holy name. You are my rock, my refuge, my ever-present strength for always and forever. Amen” – Malissa Moss

until next time

m

A series of unfortunate events – Part 2

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“But guess what – all that baggage – it comes with you. You drag it everywhere you go. Every place you move and you hand it over to everyone you meet. Imagine slugging around 5 pieces of luggage, your briefcase, your handbag and throw in for good measure a 12-lb bowling ball and bag – and there you go. A baggage-carrying heap of pain and sorrow.”

“So what does a person do with all that? Well I’ll go over that on part 2. In the meantime be thinking about all your baggage and imagine what it would feel like to set it all down and rest….”

So last time I wrote I was speaking about what it would feel like to let all that baggage go, set it down if you will and rest. Take a break from all the pain and sorrow you have been carrying around your whole life. That, I can speak to, I have been working on for my entire life, but especially for the past 3 years since my daughter died. My daughters death has forced me to look at my life, re-evaluate my life and slowly peel back the layers upon layers of pain, fear and sorrow aka baggage I’ve been carrying for a long time.

After many months of evaluating where my life had been and where it was going I have come to know that I, Malissa, have very little control over God’s plan for my life. Because I believe God had my life planned out before I was born. But what I do have control over is how I choose to live that life that God had intended for me to have.  The choices I make can change my path so quickly. In fact, some of the choices can possibly obscure my vision and create havoc – the kind of havoc that can change your life forever.

I have now learned that I have to slow down and experience life, soak up what is happening before I make any decisions. Especially decisions that might affect the rest of my life. In today’s world life can come at you so very quickly. Often catching you by surprise or off guard leading us to make quick decisions. Sometimes the wrong decisions.

So that leads me to how do I see myself putting down that baggage and slowing my life down. To find space for growth and development. To get to a place where I can put my feet up and relax.  For me I have had to go back to the basics of my faith. It’s in finding the quiet time with God and His word that I can begin to find some peace. Something that has been sorely missing from my life for so very long.

Today’s world just keeps on coming at us at a pace that is sometimes hard to see yesterday – today – tomorrow. It’s as if life is passing by so fast before my eyes and I can’t figure where to get off the merry-go-round of life long enough to stop and catch my breath. Again I say I have to stop and get quiet. My time has become more precious to me. The importance of not over commiting and commiting to my own peace and sanity has to take priority.

My promise to myself is to sit down, unload my baggage, and put my feet up. Take the time to honor myself and honor God – because He is in control and I’m just along for the ride.

until next time

m