Category: grief journey

I have this small container where most of my daughter’s personal and memorable belongs are neatly tucked in by a beautiful quilt and the crocheted baby blanket. My mom started crocheting that blanket in the months during her chemo for breast cancer; but couldn’t finish as she declined quickly and died 3 months before Brittany’s birth.

I picked up that cherished work that my mom, who was left-handed, started and as a right-handed beginner at crochet I finished it just before Brittany came into this world. It gave me something to do in the days after my mom’s passing. I was so devastated by her death that I could barely eat or sleep.

As I wrapped Brittany up in that blanket, I remembered how much my mom was looking forward to meeting her granddaughter. Her words to me a few days before her death was “I can’t wait to come to Texas”. But I knew she wouldn’t traveling anywhere but Heaven.

I have two of Brit’s dolls, a red-haired Barbie and a American Girl Doll that was made to look like Brit (but really doesn’t) and they look still new 17 years later. I saved all the cards, newspaper clippings and gifts many gave me during that time.

There were two of Brit’s favorite shirts that I kept and when I opened them up, I just wept from deep within my soul. Clutching them so closely to my heart and asking her if she could hear me cry out to her. All of that emotion just poured out of me like it had been building up for months. Maybe it had been. That is how grief works.

So many little memories that I treasure with all of my heart. Little heart pin she made me for Mother’s Day; a little book she gave me and inside her handwritten message “ I love you Mom”. And then I saw them. Her glasses.

I’ve yet to take them out of the case because holding them, I fear I’ll see what she saw in the moments before her life-ending seizure. 17 years and I still can’t fathom what she felt or saw or experienced. I was never able to communicate with her afterwards. Usually I could administer the meds and she would come out of it and respond to me, annoyingly as if I was disturbing her. But this time was different. She never regained consciousness. She coded three times in the PICU and died just before 7am, October 13th, 2006. Friday the 13th. Homecoming weekend. A month before her 18th birthday and the holidays.

You see her death scarred my heart forever. So much has been taken from me; I’m not sure how I’m standing but for the Grace of God. Grief has been the hardest lifestyle to accept. Yet her I am still trying to run from it until I cannot no longer outrun it.

The next few days will be hard and then her birthday and the holidays. Then January comes and I feel my heart breaking a little less and light returns. Just like Spring from a long and hard winter.

Until next time,

M

I would have to say many of these secondary losses I experienced and in some way after 17 years a few still linger. We don’t often think of these secondary losses, nor do the people in our circle who support us. We did not just lose a child; we lost the life we knew the minute before their death.

We lost the life we’d hoped and dreamt of for ourselves and our child. We are put on a journey we did not plan for nor want.

While I have been fortunate to rebuild a life – it is not without a huge gap/hole that is missing. I think about my Brittany daily even after 17 years this October of her passing. She was and IS a part of who I am today.

Thank you to https://www.missingpiecesgrief.org/blog/secondary-losses

This graphic is a perfect way to tell the story of the wake devastation left behind after losing a loved one. Especially a child, an only child.

Until Next Time,
M

Cloudy or Sunny

So often I dread October because it’s the month my daughter passed away. I dread what I once loved – the season changes bringing in a beautiful landscape of color across the land. Picking out a Halloween costume to wear while handing out candy to trick or treaters. Transitioning into the holidays with Brittany’s birthday and newly fallen snow.

In the early years after my daughter’s death, I saw things very differently. I began to dread October. It became the start of the dark season in my life, and I found myself longing for a type of “hibernation” much like a bear does to avoid the long cold winter. I know some of you might resonate with that last statement. I didn’t spend too long there and while October still brings sad memories for me, but I now live in a warm climate and many of the triggers are no longer present. What I see now are palm trees and beaches. Moving to Florida has been good for my soul. My writing has been more inspired by the beauty of the gulf. The serenity that the waves bring. I find a sense of peace at the beach more than any other place. That has been good for my continued healing.

Let me explain. I have found that removing myself from some of the memories has been the best decision thus far. Not to say that it would work for others, but for me, understanding how I have grieved and how I survived – it has worked. I have created a special place to honor my girl. It’s all about her and it is fluid like the clear running water of a spring stream. It’s there when I need it to be and while I don’t look at it daily, I know it is there, ever present when I need it to be. It moves with me when I move and stays just outside of my vision. Only when I feel the need to look over, do I see it and feel she is there. Again, this doesn’t work for everyone. Some need that final resting place to go to. Some I know visit the graves of their lost children daily. We chose to cremate our daughter understanding how much we move about that keeping her with us was the right choice – for us.

During the first couple of years, I spent a great deal of time creating a memory scrapbook with pictures of her with friends, notes written by her friends and many other memories. I also have created a memory book of the most precious of pictures over her life. I am working on my second book with poems and artwork she created created.

My family heirloom hope chest protects some of the most treasured items I have left of Britt’s. That is always available when I need to visit her and grieve. When I feel it swell up in my throat to the point that I cannot swallow. I know it’s coming. The symptoms are subtle, but they creep up and at some point, I have to acknowledge it. Grief has seasoned me that way. I have learned to respect it. Not saying there is anything about it that is ok. It’s not. But I have learned to move with it, lean into it and at times, all out immerse myself in it.

Grief is and always will be part of my life. It has been the great teacher and mentor of how I live my life now. I live life differently and it’s because I understand how fragile it is. How often we take it for granted. I respect grief. I allow it to enter my soul and have its way. Then I say enough, and I take back my heart and dust off the pain and go to the water where I know my soul speaks. While my daughter’s death destroyed a part of my heart, I have learned to accept what has happened. Not without questions. I still ask them today. But I, like my daughter, live life to the fullest because that is how I honor her memory and her time on this earth.

Until next time
M

I’m so grateful for my readers who have taken the time to write reviews on Amazon and Book Baby. I can’t be more thankful.

If you would like to read other reviews or purchase the book; please check out the Amazon or Book Baby Publishing links below:

https://www.amazon.com/Grief-Blessings-Story-Unimaginable-Unexpected/dp/1667897519/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1690856071&sr=1-1

https://www.bookbaby.com/MyAccount/BookReviewManager.aspx

Thanks to those of you who wrote a review – Amazon has now purchased inventory and the book is now considered in stock and available for next day delivery. AMAZING! Thank you. #grief #griefandloss #griefjourney

Grief Blessings: A Story of Unimaginable Grief and Unexpected Blessings

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1667897519/ref=nodl_?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&ref_=cm_sw_r_ud_dp_GYB8MPE87J3VG1T6ATRX&fbclid=IwAR2XiTdUc7N_9TDjezaI60Nngs_Vph3dql3D60eroqZK4pcFhnG3VW8CVr0_aem_Ab4jqODBJpYBZgt7W-e520LK3ATDiJejnpa46cEW_R6suekpuslQVYmgnmSSZnREZaXsi5TlDz1RwaGlmpDUT0VE&dplnkId=3956cd21-8791-4e4d-a3a1-1cab19a7f886

Thank you!!

Many of you know I lost my mom in 1988 to Breast Cancer. She was 48. I was 7 months pregnant and the impact of losing my mom that early and at a time in my life when I needed her most, she was gone.

At 35, I started having mammograms and ultrasounds yearly and then MRI’s were added after several suspicious results. I have often questioned why I continue to need breast cancer surveillance as I have for the past 30 years. Technology has improved. I’ve tested negative for the breast cancer gene. So i recently questioned my surgical oncologist and asked if I could stop MRI and just do the annual mammogram and ultrasound. She wouldn’t hear of it.

It’s so stressful every six months to go through this testing. This past week it became even more stressful as my MRI showed a suspicious spot. This happened in 2010 and not again since. I spoke to my doctor and she said we need to know what this. The next week I had an ultrasound and it confirmed the spot was in fact there and was also suspicious. I went back Wednesday for the U/S guided biopsy. I don’t think in all the years of surveillance and multiple biopsies have I ever been so nervous for the results.

So today, I sit here reflecting about a prayer that has been answered. The radiologist just called (who I love), she’s been the same radiologist reading my tests since I moved to Tampa. She said I wanted to tell you before the weekend that your biopsy is benign. I thanked her for calling. Honestly it took me a minute to digest what she said as I was shocked given the severity of the radiology reports but so relieved. I was prepared for whatever came of it but grateful that it was not cancer.

The moral of the story is – get your surveillance and be grateful that we have that ability to monitor. If the result had been cancer it would have been very early and highly curable. If I had not kept up with the regimen of testing; might have been vastly different. That is not lost on me in this moment. I’m sure I’ll be reminded of that when I see my doctor next week.

God is good!

** big love goes to Kaci for standing beside me all the way no matter the outcome ** she is my rock.

M

Recently I took a flight for business and had a seat next to the window. As I sat and stared out the window as we took off, I was struck by the beauty of the earth from afar. The colors of aqua, and different variations of blue provided this beautiful landscape I just had to capture on camera. I wanted to remember this beauty.

That made me think about the many memories I have of my mom, my grandmother and my daughter Brittany, all who’ve passed on. I have memories of each, but as time passes, they become cloudy and less vivid. Thankfully for my grandmother and daughter, I have videos where I can hear their voices. Sadly, I don’t have video of my mom.

I have forgotten my mom’s voice, but not her way of saying things or the way she held her head when she was not happy with me or someone. I miss that voice and I grieve all over for that loss. That loss of memory. That loss of the voice that I’d known for 31 years – gone from my memories. When I look at her picture I try to remember her voice, but it’s just gone.

My grandmother “nanny”, thankfully I have video of her when Brittany was a baby. I have a few pictures of Brittany with nanny and I’m so glad I do. Video became more prevalent in 1988, the year my mom died and the year my Brittany was born. Thankfully, someone let us borrow their video camera and we took video of Brittany during the first week of her life. Finally broke down and bought one, even though we couldn’t afford it back then.

We don’t realize the blessings we have today with smartphones and the ability to record video of our loved ones, friends, and special moments. I long to be able to see my Brittany and it takes having to get VHS/DVD’s moved to digital to have it more readily available when I feel so sad and truly need to hear her voice.

My message to you is to record your loved ones. Interview them and have them chronicle life. You will not EVER regret that. It will be a blessing that gives generations a chance to really know more about them. Even when they are gone; you’ll still be able to watch and hear them. Priceless.

Until next time,

M

Happy Saturday!

If anyone would like to leave a review of my book; it’s now open and available for you to do so. I would appreciate it so much!

Here are the instructions:

Please let your readers know that to submit a book review, they must have a Bookshop account. If they do not already have one, they can create an account here: https://store.bookbaby.com/myaccount/login.aspx. After logging in to Bookshop, they can visit your page at https://store.bookbaby.com/book/grief-blessings and leave a review!

As Mother’s Day approaches I tend to write the same post each year. Losing my mom was one of the most difficult times in my life. Little did I know that losing my daughter, my only child would top that.

When I reflect on the many layers of loss that I have experienced during my lifetime. Not unlike many of you, those layers can create various levels of response from us especially during holidays.

Understanding that the definition of loss means something very different to many. We often connect death=loss; however loss=can cross many lines. Loss of freedom; loss of one’s rights; loss of health; loss of a job; loss of financial comfort; etc. When you experience a loss of something, your response may be different each time but what we may not realize is it can accumulate over time. Blurring the lines from one loss to another.

Grief is a multi-layered process and experience. Each uniquely different from one’s experience to another. Grief’s layers can at times fold over unto each other creating a confusing and uncomfortable response. The realization that my reaction to a situation may be driven by a loss I experienced in the past.

Layer after layer of grief and loss have molded my beliefs even today. It has bearing on how I respond – which is usually walking away – the pain is just to hard to bare if I stood and faced it. That in and of itself is another form of loss. I’m not sure I ever knew as a child what normal was or should be. As an adult, It has made me grateful for the smaller things. Growing up I did not know if food would be on the table; or clothes for school or toys to play with. As an adult I have faced all of that and have been very successful in creating a great life. But in a dark spot deep in my memories lives this fear of losing it all, again.

Today, I am learning how to respond differently. To redirect my thoughts and feelings. I am grateful for the ability to work and provide those things that I longed for as a child. I take great care of what I have because I know what it’s like to live a life without as a young girl and to loss it all as an adult.

The lesson here is to understand and move forward. To look around, hug those around you. Do not take things or people for granted as they could be gone tomorrow. In this volatile world we find ourselves in – now more than ever being grateful for each moment has become most important. Being bitter and remorseful only brings more loss and misery. Gratitude will bring peace.

Until next time,

M

Writing a book about my journey of loss and beyond has finally happened. I am a published author. I’ve worked on this book for 10+ years now. It was birthed from this blog and represents my journey from beginning to where I am today. I have so many to thank who have helped me along the way. But mostly, I want to thank you, my followers. Some of you have been with me for a long time. It’s not lost on me that you stayed, you read and sometimes even commented.

I pushed a lot of this content over to my FaceBook Page (under the same name) to help others who may not have found my blog. I’ve gotten so many comments and notes of encouragement to write the book and now it is finished.

The hard copies will arrive Thursday. That will be a joyful, yet sorrowful moment. It’s taken me years to finalize my thoughts because I wanted to get it right for you. I wanted to make sure you found it helpful as I found many other authors before me.

In the meantime, you can purchase the ebook or print version from the link below. I’d be honored if you chose either or if you chose to just stay with my blog – that is ok too. There is more content and context in the book as I walk through my journey both past, present and future.

I’m forever missing my Brittany and she is with me always. She has guided me through and while at times, felt alone and she was silent, I waited patiently for the right time to push forward. Now is that time.

Until next time,

M

https://store.bookbaby.com/book/grief-blessings