Category: grief journey

Every Parent’s Wish

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The other day I got a message to see a post on one of my daughter’s friends myspace blog site. So I went and took a look and what a blessing to see what I did:

just a small part…..

“Brittany was without a doubt, the most amazing friend anyone could EVER even imagine. …..She had the biggest heart, and unlimited love for everyone. And she touched a lot of people’s lives and hearts.

She taught me a lot about life, in a short amount of time. The most important thing she taught me, and inspired me to do is to just be yourself. She was her own person, and she didn’t care what anyone else thought, and she was confident, something I’m not sure a lot of us wish we were. Another thing she taught me is make others happy, and you will soon find happiness within yourself. She had a natural ability to make others happy without even having to try. …..she touched my life and I know I will never forget her.”

As a parent I can’t tell you how proud I was to read this. On so many levels, proud she had was such a blessing to so many of her friends; proud she found peace within herself to be so confident; proud to know God’s influence on how she lived her life was more prominent that I ever knew and lastly; proud that her friends are still thinking so passionately of her 4 months later.

This one statement truly says it all – it’s advice that this world could use a lot more of:

“…she taught me is make others happy, and you will soon find happiness within yourself. She had a natural ability to make others happy without even having to try”

Until next time,

m

Why

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I ask myself daily why I continue to feel like she left me yesterday. This walk in grief is strange even though I have walked it before. Even as much as I can explain to you all how I feel, I can’t even become close to accurately describing the continual sense of emptiness and sadness I experience every day. Some days I can talk about her and laugh. Some days I can’t talk without crying.

I wish I could find a way to stop hurting so much.

until next time,

m

Entry for February 18, 2007

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Went to 3 services a church today – that would be a record for me. But Joyce Meyer was the speaker and I just couldn’t miss out on that.

Her message was different at each service, but yet connected to the same topic: Love

Challenged us as christians to love more and preach less esp to our kids and to those who are in need. Living by example and loving people will bring people to God far more than “in your face” preaching.

So tomorrow when you wake up think to yourself – “how can I be a blessing today?” not what can I do for myself. Your life will be blessed many times over for blessing others.

Case in point – someone I work with I believe has this attitude – she sets the bar very high for us when it comes to “being a blessing”. Each holiday or sometimes when I truly need a blessing – she is always there. Leaves little gifts at my locker. Can I tell you – she always knows when I really need something – it’s the gesture really – not the gift. I could be having the worst day and then – there will be this little “blessing” gift she leaves me at the end of the day that just makes me forget about my troubles – even for a short time.

She doesn’t do it for me, she does it for some many people we work with. I can’t imagine who else she does it for in her community or family. What an example to set for the rest of us.

Thanks Shelly!

God Bless You!

God Bless Everyone!

until next time – go out and give somebody in need some love,

mercedes

GriefShare

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Thursday I went to see my counselor and then onto my GriefShare Class. Very exhausting day and evening. I really didn’t have anything left to give after that. The counselor said I was where I should be and to stop being so hard on myself. I told her I was venturing into strange territory when it came to moving forward. To me it means taking care of someone I’ve never taken care of…..ME. I really don’t know what to do. I’ve always cared for others, family, husband, daughter, but never me. I’ve not really lived alone for very long. Memory serves me right, I never really cared for it then and I certainly didn’t make some good choices. Now I am faced with that again, and I don’t like it much.

The GriefShare class was on losing a child. huhhhhh – well that was very difficult to sit through. I cried when the video spoke of what losing a child means….

Things you won’t do…..

see the future as you once dreamed
see her graduate college or even high school
see her get married
see her have children
see her, feel her, hear her…..

again I say – BLAH!

until next time,

m

Best email I’ve ever gotten.

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This was sent to me – made me cry and cry and cry. But thought of my Brittany and knowing she had this same experience.

This is beautiful! Try not to cry.

She jumped up as soon as she saw the surgeon come out of the operating room. She said: “How is my little boy ? Is he going to be all right ? When can I see him ?”

The surgeon said, “I’m sorry. We did all we could, but your boy didn’t make it.”

Sally said, “Why do little children get cancer ? Doesn’t God care any more ? Where were you, God, when my son needed you ?”

The surgeon asked, “Would you like some time alone with your son ? One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes, before he’s transported to the university.”

Sally asked the nurse to stay with her while she said good bye to son. She ran her fingers lovingly through his thick red curly hair. “Would you like a lock of his hair ?” the nurse asked.

Sally nodded yes. The nurse cut a lock of the boy’s hair, put it in a plastic bag and handed it to Sally.

The mother said, “It was Jimmy’s idea to donate his body to the University for Study. He said it might help somebody else. “I said no at first, but Jimmy said, ‘Mom, I won’t be using it after I die. Maybe it will help some other little boy spend one more day with his Mom.” She went on, “My Jimmy had a heart of gold. Always thinking of someone else. Always wanting to help others if he could.”

Sally walked out of Children’s Mercy Hospital for the last time, after spending most of the last six months there. She put the bag with Jimmy’s belongings on the seat beside her in the car.

The drive home was difficult. It was even harder to enter the empty house. She carried Jimmy’s belongings, and the plastic bag with the lock of his hair to her son’s room.

She started placing the model cars and other personal things back in his room exactly where he had always kept them. She laid down across his bed and, hugging his pillow, cried herself to sleep.

It was around midnight when Sally awoke. Laying beside her on the bed was a folded letter. The letter said:

“Dear Mom, I know you’re going to miss me; but don’t think that I will ever forget you, or stop loving you, just ’cause I’m not around to say “I Love You” I will always love you, Mom, even more with each day. Someday we will see each other again. Until then, if you want to adopt a little boy so you won’t be so lonely, that’s okay with me. He can have my room and old stuff to play with. But, if you decide to get a girl instead, she probably wouldn’t like the same things us boys do. You’ll have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like, you know. Don’t be sad thinking about me. This really is a neat place. Grandma and Grandpa met me as soon as I got here and showed me around some, but it will take a long
time to see everything. The angels are so cool. I love to watch them fly. And, you know what? Jesus doesn’t look like any of his pictures. Yet, when I saw Him, I knew it was Him. Jesus himself took me to see GOD ! And guess what, Mom ? I got to sit on God’s knee and talk to Him, like I was somebody important. That’s when I told Him that I wanted to write you a letter, to tell you good bye and everything. But I already knew that wasn’t allowed. Well, you know what Mom ? God handed me some paper and His own personal pen to write you this letter. I think Gabriel is the name of the angel who is going to drop this letter off to you. God said for me to give you the answer to one of the questions you asked Him ‘Where was He when I needed him ?’ “God said He was in the same place with me, as when His son Jesus was on the cross. He was right there, as He always is with all His children. Oh, by the way, Mom, no one else can see what I’ve written except you. To everyone else this is just a blank piece of paper. Isn’t that cool ? I have to give God His pen back now. He needs it to write some more names in the Book of Life. Tonight I get to sit at the table with Jesus for supper. I’m sure the food will be great.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I don’t hurt anymore. The cancer is all gone. I’m glad because I couldn’t stand that pain anymore and God couldn’t stand to see me hurt so much, either. That’s when He sent The Angel of Mercy to come get me. The Angel said I was a Special Delivery ! How about that ?

Signed with Love from God, Jesus & Me.

Blah

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Where have you gone?
Do you know how much I miss you?
In my darkest moment I am angry,
angry you are not here to be with me.

That is selfish. But I’m a mom you see.
With no other children to nurture. I am
left to tend to my own wounds. Deep and
painful wounds of loss and pain.

What I found so easy to do for you, I
cannot do for myself. This place I am
now is so uncomfortable. Caring for myself.
It’s foreign to me.

Lost in a vacuum of a perpetual darkness.
Swirling around and around until I’m so dizzy.
When it stops and I can see – it’s nothing I know.
Not even me.

I miss you so. I’m knocked out and down and I
don’t know how to get up. When does this stage go
away? When does the pain begin to get better? Will it
be too late for me? Will I survive it?

I miss you so.

until next time,

m

The “Backwards and Forewards” in my journey

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Sometimes I feel like I am a human tug-of-war rope with moving forward on one end and moving backward on the other.

One minute I am smiling and enjoying my moment and then BOOM – I’m reeling in grief and can hardly breathe. Try to explain that one to people. If one more person says to me “I understand what you are going through” – I’m gonna scream. My response to them is “have you ever lost a child?” – if they say no – then I say “Then you can’t possibly know what I’m going through.” That was hard for me to say in the beginning. I was afraid of hurting someone’s feelings. Imagine that!

Just a note about what I am going through – this may help you gain some perspective.

  • My heart has been ripped away from my chest and will be scared forever by her absence.
  • My reason for living is gone. Now I am left to find a new reason to live. Great.
  • The loneliness of my life is extraordinarily hard to bare.
  • Every time I see her picture – I am overwhelmed by sadness and emptiness.


One day you are someone leading a life that you took for granted, then you are leading a life you never imagined would happen, nor do you want to participate in. But you must.

Grief is so hard. If you have never experienced this magnitude of loss, there are no rules. It takes you where it wishes, when it wishes and how ever long it wishes.

Now – my faith has kept me going. Without my faith I can guarantee you without any doubt that I would not be here now writing. I would have ended the pain that I continually endure.

I can’t imagine enduring this without God. Without my church family. Without my friends and family. Yet it is one of the loneliest journeys I’ve ever made. And it’s just only beginning.

Yes I did say beginning. It’s only been 4 months. 4 months Tuesday the 13th.

Scripture of Comfort! – This one sustains me daily:

The Lord is close to the broken-hearted. He rescues those whose spirits are crushed. – Psalm 34:18


until next time,

m

Moving On

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I read an article about a family that lost a 5 year old daughter. Several things really resonated my own experience and where I see myself now.

I became a mother – for 17-1/2 years it’s what defined who I was.

I had a vision of what would be possible for my daughter and myself: for her going to college, finding true love, be all she could be; and for me, seeing something I created experience life, getting married, planning a wedding with her, helping her with her babies, etc.

When you lose your child, your only child – all those future plans and hopes are lost too.

Like this author I struggle to find meaning, to work, to write, to read, to make any type of decisions.

Why….because after nearly 50 years of living a life – I no longer know who I am or what I am to become.

What I do know….life is too short…..it passes you by in a blink of an eye…..one day you are someone….and the next you are not……now I have to find out who I am and I need to do it sooner rather than later….afraid to make any wrong decisions or mistakes…..almost paralized by the grief.

Part of me wants to flee as far as I can…..Part of me wants to keep everything the way it was….Part of me doesn’t want to breathe another breath…..Part of me wants to live like there is no tomorrow.

The challenge for me and my closest supporters is to find a compromise that will help me to move forward without thinking I’m leaving her behind.

until next time,

m