Author: Grief Blessings

Trying to discover why I'm here and where I'm going. Finding out that today is all we have - tomorrow is not guaranteed. So live like today

Thanksgiving Message

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“The single greatest thing you can do to change your life today would be to start being grateful for what you have right now. And the more grateful you are, the more you get.” – Oprah

As I sit here pondering Oprah’s quote I can’t help but think back over the past four years and see the many blessings that have come my way since my daughter’s death. I think a person needs to be able to have great faith to see that and to believe that life can still have meaning after such loss.

I’m a fighter and I always get back up and dust myself off and take another step in faith that God has my back. He has up till now and I have every bit of faith that He will continue to. The problem is always me. I get in the way of my own recovery, my own journey because of my human nature to disbelieve.

To believe that life has handed me so many hurts and sorrows how could life have any meaning left for me. It would be so easy for me to give up to stop believing to stop living. But my faith is so much stronger than my disbelief.

And that my friends is where it begins and ends. So today I am thankful for my faith, for it has carried me this far.

Happy Thanksgiving

until next time

m

A Sorrowful Night

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I won’t lie I did something I haven’t done in a while and that’s I cried myself to sleep last night. You see I’m in that period of the dark times where Thanksgiving is upon us and my girl’s birthday, what would have been her 22nd birthday, follows shortly thereafter. And then there is Christmas.

I was feeling very sad last night as I lie in bed thinking to myself “why is life so damn hard” “why aren’t things falling into place” and “why am I hurting more than usual”. I could have answered those questions in so many ways, yet I just couldn’t seem to find the right one, that is until this morning. But first I must lay the foundation for what is going to happen next and why I think it’s important to move forward.

Just make sure it’s palpable for you to know what it’s like to be me I will try to put it into words for I’m not sure you really understand the gravity of my loss(s). Then I will explain what I intend to do about where I sit now, numb and finding life somewhat meaningless.

The day I said goodbye to my mother was extordinarly difficult. I was seven months pregnant with Brittany and as you could imagine very hormonal. But I was able to put it together and continue on. But underneath that calm exterior I was slowly dying. What I mean is my life as I knew it was no more. I just spent the next two months sitting in the rocker that was in the baby’s room and rocked. Asking God “why”? Then two short months later my sweet baby was born.

Five years later, my grandmother, to whom I was very close was about to die and I was called to her bedside to say goodbye. As I entered the room I called out “Red”, my nickname for her and I was the only one allowed to call her that. She was on a vent and unable to respond, however, I saw a tear stream out of her eye as she attempted to move her head in the direction of my voice. And then she passed.

The nurse there knew I was in nursing school and offered to me a chance to do something she felt would be “healing” for me. I helped prepare my grandmother’s body before she was taken to the funeral home. It was I guess in a strange stort of way a healing process, but still during that time, I found myself silently working and asking God “why”.

Over the next 12 years I found myself asking God “why” so often I was beginning to wonder if he had turned an ear to me. Taking care of my daughter who had suffered a great illness at the age of 11 months and the many side effects from that illness was often too much to watch. Though I asked God often “why” I never really got an answer. I just did what any other mother would do, I care for her, I debated with doctors for her, I fought for her and in the end I lost that fight.

When you watch three of the most dearest people you know and love uncondtionally die right before your eyes – it changes you.

I am not the person I was the day I watched my mother take her last breath as I whispered in her ear that it was ok to go that the baby and me we’d be ok. I’m sick with nausea just thinking about that moment now as I write this.

I am not the person I was the day I watched my grandmother die and helped prepare her body for the funeral home. Knowing that the second most important woman in my life was now gone from me. Now I’m left to be a mother, and a mother of a child with health problems and no mother figure to ask for help. No one to reach out to for help. I just suffered alone.

Then as I watched my daughter suffer from her illness, set back and success, it was all such a roller coaster of emotions. She suffered in school, subject to redicule and bullying so often it would make you want to scream at people and say “what kinda kids are you raising”. But most often I felt helpless and sometimes even hopeless.

Through it all she remained upbeat, optimistic and at times, I thought she’s a better person than I because I would have given up. But no she just got up every morning and with a smile faced a world that didn’t understand her much, or didn’t want her around until she met Carolyn and Andy. They truly understood her and knew what I knew all along – that she was a true gift from God and we were so very fortunate to have her in our lives.

Then that dreadful moment came when I watched helplessly as they tried to revive her for the fourth time in 12 hours. There is nothing, and I mean nothing, that is more gut-wrenching than to watch from a distance, yet knowing everything that is happening and understanding that nothing was going to work, but yet praying for a miracle. A miracle that never came.

So now as I sit her today facing another empty set of holidays I have to do something different. I have to get back to what I know works for me and that is reading about triumph over failure. Reading about faith and the grace that it can bring to a sorrowful filled person. I have to get back to what has kept me out of the trenches for the past four years.

What I have been doing is spending too much time trying to make other people happy. To be the “negotiator” of relationships. To appease those around me as if I have been chosen to do that. Because I have not. I’m not here to apologize for anything or anyone. I’m simply here to write out what I know to be true about grief. How it’s torn me from limb to limb and yet I’m still standing.

I have to get away from all the other noise that’s been consuming my life and take care of me. If I don’t – I know this for sure “I will not survive”. I will die of a broken-heart and I don’t believe that is what God has intended for me at this point in my life.

So I have chosen to blog about another book, for it is in this way I can show how and why I have made it from hell and back several times over. And hopefully help a few people along the way.

My next book topic is: “A Grace Disguised” by Jerry Sittser – How the soul grows through love. The reason I chose it is that his words really helped me see that I could keep going and keep believing in love even when it seemed as though I didn’t feel I had the capacity to have love again for the fear of losing it was too great.

Stay tuned…..

until next time,

m

Disclaimer

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I’m adding this comment as it has come to my attention that there are some people who read this blog that think this blog is about them. Well it is not. This is a blog about the grief journey of a mother who lost her daughter which profoundly changed her life and it is NOT about the other events that have gone on or are currently going on in my life.

I don’t have the time nor the energy to give that kind of drama a platform that will only encourage more of the same. This blog is simply my pain, my life and my journey and it belongs to no one else but me.  It’s about my grief journey only and nothing more. – mm

Questionable Character

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I have found over the past few years that I have become less tolerant of people who don’t walk the talk. Who portray themselves as good people but really prey on those who are vulnerable. Grieving people are very vulnerable because they lose their “sight” to who is real and who is fake.

When you are in the middle of the grieving process you see life through a clouded haze of pain. Even one, two, three and now four years later some days the fog is so dense I cannot see what is right in front of me. That is when I know that grief has it’s grip on my heart and I have to guard it carefully.

Thankfully I have been given the gift to understand one simple thing. And that is this – when you have been to hell and back numerous times – you see things differently. People can’t hurt you any more because you’ve already been hurt beyond belief by your loss. By how people treated you during and after your loss.

Avoidance is one of the most painful things a griever can experience during the early days. But it can also continue to haunt  you for the rest of your days. That is why it is critically important to surround yourself by “real” people. People who want to be with you because it’s the right thing to do. Not because it feels like a “responsibility” or because it’s the popular thing to do.

I’ve been blessed to have several people who have remainded close to me over these past four years and I cannot express enough my gratitude for that. For their companionship and simply their geniune caring has brought through some very tough nights. Always remembering what time of year it is and how hard the holidays can be for me. Never forgetting that she lived. She walked this earth and she made my life complete.

Then there are others who have walked into my life and walked all over it. They have shown their true colors by behaving in a way that is not worthy of my time. Seriously what is wrong with some people. To think they can manipulate and control people because they are weak or vulnerable – what gives anyone the right to do that to anyone? I’ll tell you nothing gives anyone that right.

The only person that has the control is you, me us – we can say no. No to the people who bring us down and yes to the people who encourage us, who lift us up when we are down and yes to the people to stand with us during the dark times. Everyone else can just move on.

until next time

m

Living a Life of Gratitude

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Gratitude
 

What to do when you are faced with trouble. And you know, trouble is always around – lurking, waiting to show it’s nasty little head when we least expect it. It’s how we manage it that will enable us to keep trouble at a distance.

When trouble comes….

Live by faith…

God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble. -Psalm 46:1

“You don’t have enough faith,” Jesus told them. “I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, “move from here to there,” and it would move. Nothing would be impossible.” – Matthew 17:20

Live by joy…

“Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again – rejoice! “Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon. “Don’t worry about anything, instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 4:4-6

Faith will always be tested, but from that endurance will become stronger so you are prepared for anything.

Never let up the pressure to push trouble away – don’t ever give up.

Live by gratitude…

In everything give thanks.

Even in the midst of trouble, because not everything flows from God.

You have to work at this every day.

Remember: if you are not thankful for what you have today, you will not be happy with what you will attain later.

So the next time trouble comes… instead of dwelling on what you don’t have, be grateful for the wonderful things you do have. Life is too short and we have much to do in our preparation to live eternally in Heaven. Are you ready?

Until next time,

M

Conflicted Spirit

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Some of my readers might find this surprising and then again maybe not; but lately I’ve been feeling somewhat conflicted. Since my daughter’s death I have found that my source for strength has always been God. Especially in the early days of my journey, the bible and God’s word were comforting to me.

But lately I have been so busy with work, with life that I have not stopped long enough to refuel with what I know works. What has worked for me from the beginning of this journey; and that is God. The simple faith that I’m here on this earth for a reason. Not for me, but for the service to others.

My work has become all consuming lately and it’s going to get even worse now. It’s going to take a great deal of discipline for me to say no to certain people and spend more time alone so I can spend the time I need to refuel. Otherwise I will run out of gas. It has happened before so I know the feeling and I’m feeling it now.

I have also come to some understanding of who I am as a person, as a woman and as a child of God. This person is who I was meant to be and was told I couldn’t or shouldn’t be. Yet today it feels so right to know who I am. All these years living a life I was never intended to live has taken a toll on me.

So now I have a choice to move forward with this new outlook. But at what cost? Do I have enough strength to fight off the nay sayers and stand up for what I believe is right for me? I don’t know. But what I do know is that my simple faith is all that is required to move towards peace. And I choose peace.

until next time

m

Seasons

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Seasons

by

Malissa Moss

As the sun sets in the west
the air is cool and crisp;
creating a sense that
it’s time to lie down and rest.

Oh my weary soul fights
back the sleep; for it is the
memories of seasons past
that keep coming back.

Fall comes and sorrow sets in
for it is the dark times that
prey upon me now. As the leaves
fall from the trees does my tears
fall from my face.

Winter comes and the snow falls
bringing holiday cheers and song
but in my heart there is no cheer
only a song of sorrow for a life lost.

Spring arrives as the birds sing of
joy to be warmed by the sun that
arises in the east. A time to see
growth and splendor beyond the pain.

Summer comes and goes so quick
as it brings back the sorrow again.
The cycle of my grief comes like
cycle of the seasons. Beginning with
Fall and ending with Summer.

the end

Four years ago….

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Original Post November 2006

NOTE: This is a dark look inside my heart which is broken and laying before all to see.Image

According to the bible it’s ok to grieve. That you must go through the process and feel every, painful, lonely, empty, broken, worthless, and words I can’t even bare to describe, feeling in order to move forward.

How can we be excepted to weep freely, not holding it in and function on a daily basis? Better yet, how can you weep freely with joyful assurance that God is with us. Really. I tried that – it didn’t work so well. I read where you are not suppose to weep like one who has no hope. Again, I’d like to challenge that one.

I’m already tired of the “time will heal”, it’s gonna take more time – I QUIT!!!!!

There will never be a time when life will be ok. I don’t have any other children. I don’t have a boyfriend or spouse. I have many wonderful friends who are being so supportive – but my empty heart is because I no longer have a child that loves me unconditionally. That says she loves me with that great smile – it always made me feel like I could do anything. Now – I hear nothing but my own negative thoughts guided by the Devil.

It’s funny how you always feel the Devil around – but you don’t feel God that way. Why is that? These questions I will be looking into more. I have daily, hourly conversations with God about this – he’s yet to reply. I’m praying, I’m reading the bible and other materials. I’m watching biblical shows and listening to biblical music – yet still my thoughts run rampant thru the valley of darkness. When can I expect some light? I need some light. I need it soon.

I know this all sounds dark – it is. I’m in one of my darkest hours. I will be praying for God to show me something that I can hang onto. I need that now.

Please continue to pray for me while I battle this out. I expect to come out much stronger, but with less of a love for life. For my reason to love life is gone.

until later,

mal Image

So that was a glimpse of where I stood four years ago – just a few weeks after the death of my daughter. As I read back through that post I saw several things. One was a mother in deep anguish over the loss of her daughter. I saw a woman of faith reaching out to feel, smell, touch, sense God’s presence. But I also saw someone who even in the midst of such suffering could tell that there was hope.

I’m not exactly sure where or how I made it through some of those first few weeks. I do know that God was present. He had to be, because I couldn’t see beyond the tears that fell constantly. My vision clouded by pain and sorrow. On some days I wasn’t sure God was even listening. But in looking back over some of my posts from that time, I know for sure He was there lifting me up. Carrying me through that valley of darkness.

Now as I move through this time of year I am reminded of how far I have come. This on-line blog/journal has been my life line, my constant reminder of hope. It has shown me over and over how far I have come in just four short years. But I am also reminded that I still have that empty space. That hole in my heart. I don’t think that will ever change. I know that because when I allow myself to go there – it’s painful.

The loss is still profound in my life. Make no mistake. I’m not saying it’s all good now, because it is not. It’s just better. I feel it’s like “coasting” through life and every now and again, I hit a pot hole “painful moment” or a brick wall “grief like no other” and then I am reminded I have to stay true to what I know and believe has got me this far and that is my faith.

Until next time,

m

 

 

 

November Blahs

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Brittany just weeks before her death.

November is upon us and again I enter another month of what I call the dark days. November is tough for me because it’s the beginning of the holiday season. When families come together and celebrate families. A time to be grateful for our country and its founding fathers and a time to be thankful we are still here to see the wonders of what we have been able to live through and survive as a country.

Now I can link you to several blogs about the horrific conditions in some other countries where things are horribly worse. But this blog is about grief, gratitude, blessings in the midst of that. So I am very mindful that there are much worse things  than what I have experienced. But again that is not what this blog is about. It’s about life-changing, life-altering devastation. And the means by which you can and will survive it.

It is also about how you can help someone else in need. Someone who has suffered a loss that has changed them, changed their life – and it’s our job to validate that change and speak to that change in a way that is not disrespectful of their loss. It has always been my goal from the beginning of this blog that it would be of help to someone. Whether it be the person who has lost or the support system who is helping them move through the process of grief.

The holidays are a very hard time for us grievers. I find I get very melancholy this time of year. I get moody and sometimes withdrawn because I don’t want to impose my grief onto others. But for me November is a tough month. It comes on the heels of October, the month of her death and it ends on her birthday. Sigh. She would be turning 22 on this November 30th. It’s hard for me to some days imagine what she would look like now. How much more beautiful she would have become had her light not been snuffed out by Epilepsy.

So if I seem a little distant – do not worry. It’s normal this time of year for me to take a step back and spend time alone. It’s how I process such a loss as mine. The emptiness in my heart, forever void and painfully exists to remind me of what a great woman I know she would have become and the great young woman she was. God gave me such a gift and I am forever grateful for his blessing called Brittany.

until next time

m

The Ugly Truth About Grief

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And I’ll be alright
And I’ll love again
And the wounds will mend
I’m bruised but not broken
And the pain will fade
I’ll get back my feet
It’s not the end of me
My heart is still open
I’m bruised but not broken

words by Joss Stone

It occurred to me that grief has a way of creeping into one’s life from many sources. Pain can be caused by so many and yet often it is not the intention of the person it’s coming from. But when that person knows they are responsible for it – it hurts more. Intention is a significant part of how we deal with one another each and every day. It’s easy to forgive the unintentional behavior. But for behavior or actions that come from intention the forgiveness comes more slowly.

During my life I have seen the many faces of grief. They have looked at me from many people and many situations. Some intentional and some not. The pain inflicted is still the same. The wounds remain sensitive although the healing has taken place. When wounds are “touched” they bleed, they open and they cause grief.

I have overcome many wounds and I have succumbed to many “touches” of those wounds either intentionally or not. At times, I have bled until I cannot bleed anymore. I have cried until I cannot cry anymore. I have forgiven and I will continue to – but just know rubbing salt in anyone’s wounds can bring more profound pain because it is intentional. Be careful my friends not to go down that slippery slope of being caught in the net of someone whose intentions are not good. It will bring you pain and sorrow. It will open “old” wounds and create some “new” wounds.

The unintentional pain is often through words spoken. I’m not saying you have to walk on egg shells around someone who has lost someone or is grieving over something or someone, but what I am saying is that being mindful of how or what you say in the company of that person is respectful. I have found over the past four years that some of the comments made by a few people have rubbed me the wrong way. I had to check myself to make sure I wasn’t being overly sensitive. Because a person going through such a significant loss as mine can be overly sensitive at times. I’m not denying that. But comments like “I hate my children” or “I can’t wait for them to go off to college” makes me want to just cringe.

I know those are unintentional comments because they don’t mean them. But for me I want to just shake them and say “count your blessings you still  have  your children” “get on your knees and be thankful you still have them” because I don’t. Another example is when there is a wedding, or grandchildren born, or college graduations – they are a part of everyday and everyone’s life – but mine. I have come to understand that and I have come to terms with it. But when it is constantly talked about in front me, it’s a bit much. Don’t get me wrong I am very happy for my friends whose kids have gone on to graduate from college, get married or have kids of their own. I get that. Just asking not to talk about it incessantly in front of me. I assume that perhaps why I have many new friends. Friends that are more like me. Single, no kids and no prospects in the future.

It’s another form of grief, the ugly truth about grief – one loss = many losses.

until next time

m