Author: Grief Blessings

Trying to discover why I'm here and where I'm going. Finding out that today is all we have - tomorrow is not guaranteed. So live like today

Quiet

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I don’t like quiet. I used to love to have quiet. No radio, TV, any kind of noise. Just peace and quiet. Then death came knocking again at my door and took my daughter. No I can’t stand quiet. When my mind is quiet – the Devil talks. I start thinking why am I still trying to make a go of it here. What in the hell is the purpose behind all this loss? When will it be my turn to stop this cruel existence? Still no answer! Did I really think I’d get an answer? Yes! I’m just that bold.

I wrote a poem a year or so ago about the quietness of my house. It’s like death hanging all around. The darkness of my heart draped over a once happy and well-lite heart now keeps me from enjoying quiet. Quite makes me think. Quite makes me cry. Quite makes me wish for the end. Quite is slowing killing me.

I don’t like noise either. I do keep the tv on most of the time because it drowns out the bad thoughts. The painful thoughts. When will those be replaced with happy thoughts. In time I have read that the memories I have that make me cry now, will be less painful as time goes by. I find that hard to believe, but I also cling to that hope.

I lean on God when it gets really bad. As I know it will this weekend – Mother’s Day. I am going to stay very busy and avoid the public and hope that it passes without hearing much about it. Mother’s Day holds nothing but pain and anguish for me. That is my reality – like it or not.

I pray daily for guidance and for mercy. I pray it comes soon.

until next time

m

A Place Revisited

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The one thng grief has taught me these past 2-1/2 years is that it will take you places when you least expect it. And as hard as you fight it – grief always wins. This week while on vacation I returned to a beach in Florida where I took my daughter the last time we visited Florida. This trip to Florida was the first I’d made since my daughter’s death and I believed I have avoided Florida for that reason.

This particular beach is in St. Pete and it is a public area and requires quite a walk to the ocean. As I walked, the memories began flooding back and by the time I got to the water, I was fighting back the tears. I was thankful I had big sunglasses on and not many people noticed me. As I walked along, I realized I couldn’t stay there any longer. The memories are still too painful to see as good, I only see them as time I will never spend again with her. Time stolen from me.

The hole in my heart became painfully present and I felt the need to leave urgently. I walked quickly to the car all the while swiping tears from my eyes. Hoping not to be noticed. At this time in my grief, I usually don’t care who sees me cry, but for some reason this time was different.

I gained some control once in the car and then drove to a beach that I had gone to the day before, one that I hadn’t been with my daughter before. I was thankful for that time, because it was my last day in St. Pete and I didn’t want a sad moment to be my last experience while at the beach.

God has created such a wonderful picture of peace and tranquility that I call the beach. The waves coming in and out and the wind slowly moving through creating a sense of calm. That’s what I wanted to remember, not the pain and huge gaping hole in my heart that will forever remain.

I miss you my dear Brittany more than I can bare some days. And as Mother’s Day approaches I hope and pray to God that I can get past it. This holiday, more than any other, is the most difficult to get through. I tell people jokingly that I’d like to take enough medication to sleep from Friday to Monday and think that it never existed. But I know I cannot. So for all you mothers out there. Happy Mother’s Day. Enjoy your motherhood and your children – they are a gift for such a short time.

until next time

mercedes

Writing

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As most of you know I’m currently trying to finish a book on grief. So I took my research with me on vacation in order to get some more work done on the book. Well – while reviewing my book, I began to feel some of the dreadful pain that permeated my soul for so long. I had read from previous authors that writing about such a painful topic would cause one to revisit their grief, but I had no idea how profoundly hard writing this book would be.

As I begin the final phase of the book, I am reminded that there is a great deal of work to be done in this area. What do I mean by that? I’m just saying that there are many topics to discuss and they are painful and take you places you may not want to return. It takes guts and shear determination to write a book so soon after the event. But I will forge on, because it is my purpose, at least for now.

If my book helps one person realize that the feelings they are feeling and will feel are valid and that there are others who have gone before us and many more, sadly enough, who will come after us. And it is our job to help them through the journey.

Until next time,

mercedes

Extreme Home Makeover

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This week Extreme Home Makeover show featured a family that suffered the loss of not one but two of their children. One to domestic violence and one to a drunk driver. All needless deaths. Now my daughter didn’t die from the hand of another, but a disease that was just as violent – Epilepsy.

But what I found most healing is that the message that was there for all of America to see – you never – ever – get over the loss of a child. 1 year, 5 years, 10 years – never. You can get through it, but never over it. You could see from the grief that remains on the faces when they speak of their children. In fact, the father stated that they are affected everyday by their absence. Not just holidays, or birthdays etc. But everyday.

I hope that those of you who haven’t lost a child took away the message that the consistent love and support is what helps families get “through” their loss. After reading so many books on grief and loss it still strikes me as odd that people still believe you can get over it. Yes, you can move forward, press on hopefully making something positive in your life that speaks to the kind of child you had. But you don’t really move on, moving on means picking up where you left off with your life – that you cannot do. Moving forward is taking a new path, one that is without your child. That my friends is the hardest step to make. I believe it is the place where people who are grieving the loss of their child get stuck. Where they need the help the most, and sadly where most people around them have “moved on”.

I would encourage anyone dealing with loss to look into what it means to move forward. And encourage those who know someone is suffering a loss and maybe stuck – to help me see the difference between “moving on and moving forward”.

Until next time,

Mercedes

Validation

Validation is a gift we give one another to acknowledge that we care.

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I am reposting this entry after having a heartfelt discussion with one of my brothers – this hits home about the importance of validation. At the end of the day – that’s all that really matters – knowing we are loved no matter what. That spending time with the ones you love and treasure validates their existence. It says “you matter to me”.

Validate human life by acknowledging one’s existence at that moment in time. – unknown

I’m not sure where I read this or heard this quote but today I wanted to speak to this issue of validation. It’s been in my mind a lot lately and I need to release this out there.

Susan Duke wrote about what memories mean to a grieving soul. I have read her book “Grieving Forward” so many times, I think there are some parts I know by heart. She speaks about how memories of our loved one are vital to the healing process. But guess what – memories are just that – memories. You can’t see them, feel them, touch them, hug them – you can only recall – it’s what you chose to do with that memory that’s important.

That’s where validation comes in. Validation is acknowledging that something or someone exists or existed. Validation that our loved one existed allows us to create some sense of “yes, I really did have that person in my life” – and even though they are gone, you are the person you have become because of having that person in your life.

Validation is a gift we give one another to acknowledge that we care. We may not know what to say or we may not know what to do; but we can come and walk along with our grieving friends and family. Being there and present speaks volumes to a grieving person. Until you have walked in a grieving peron’s shoes you will never know just how much validating their loved one means to their healing.

Think of validation as your gift to them.

until next time,

mercedes

Bitter Sweet Memory

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Today I got to see my 10-year-old niece play softball. She is tall for her age and can swing a mean bat. But what is really cool is that she has improved so much over the past two years, so much so that she can actually hit and run.

Being with my extended family now that my daughter has passed has had some bitter sweet moments. Today was one of them. It seems as though whenever I go to one of these “family” events, something happens that reminds me of something Brittany did or said. They I find myself in an awkward moment saying “oh Brittany used to do that” or “Brittany used to say that” – then the moment passes and I feel like I just said something that really didn’t matter to anyone but me. I hate that.

I wonder if those memories will ever fade to the point that I don’t verbally discuss them in front of my family. Seems as though it’s a subject they’d like for me not to discuss. It’s so hard not to say something about her. She did exist you know. It’ not like I made her up. She lived, breathed, laughed, cried and loved me for 17 years and 11 months. I will not EVER deny her existence. No matter what.

So don’t expect me to. I will talk about her whenever I feel the need, because it helps keep her memory alive for me. And at the end of the day – that’s all that matters. If I didn’t have that – well I wouldn’t have made it this far.

So if you have  a family member who has lost a loved one, LET THEM TALK. Help them keep their loved one alive! It’s crucial to their healing process.

Until next time,

Mercedes

Avoiding the Inevitable

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It stopped raining – thank goodness!

I have been to Michaels several times over the past month and each time noticed “memorial flowers” that have been made up for people to place on their loved ones graves. Each time I walk by and look at them and then think maybe I should buy one for my mom’s grave.

You see I haven’t been to my mother’s grave since, oh, probably about 10 years. I remember taking my daughter their many years ago and I could barely get out of the car. My mom has been gone now for 20 years, but I just can’t get myself to go out there. I know she isn’t there, but it more than that, it’s a reminder that she is not here.

I think maybe I’ll try to go on Mother’s Day – my personal day from hell. I had my daughter cremated because her father and I are divorced and we didn’t want to bury her in Michigan where we lived at the time of her death. I’ve contemplated burying her remains, but haven’t been able to deal with that yet.

I’ve been praying for strength to get through this Mother’s Day with a different outcome. To maybe, just maybe be able to see something good from it. But right now, the hole in my heart is too big and too painful to think about celebrating a day that has been a reminder of what has gone wrong in my life.

I know I could see it from the positive side – and oh how I have heard many people say things that make me want to throw up. For example – “at least you had a mother” or “at least you were a mother” – come on people – where is your compassion. I sincerely hope you never have to lose your mother and then turn and lose your daughter. It’s the most gut wrenching thing I’ve ever had to deal with, and I’ve had a lot of crap in my life to deal with.

I’ll keep thinking about visiting her grave and I’ll get back to you on that.

until next time,

mercedes

Tuesday

Hold on

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It’s still raining….

I was reading my black book today (my random thoughts book).  When I hear something that strikes my fancy I write it down thinking someday I will have an opportunity to read it again. So here is what I think today…

Live Your Best Life – by Nancy Wood from Many Winters

Hold on to what is good even if it’s a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even it it’s a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it’s a long way from here…

Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.

Dedicated to the memory of my loving daughter Brittany. I’m holding on to your hand even though you have gone from me.

until next time

mercedes

Sunday

What it feels like to have Mother’s Day in my face.

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It’s raining today – AGAIN! Seems as though we’ve had our fair share of rain this month. I don’t know about you, but I’m quite tired of it all. I’m believing for some sunshine linked by several days of continued sunshine.

Now that my taxes are done, and oh did I owe, I’m getting back to finishing my book. I don’t have much left to do. But it does seem a bit disorganized and needs some polishing. Writing has never been one of my fortes but after much prodding by my peeps (friends who have read my blogs over the past two years) I have decided to pursue it.

Some days you just have to pull yourself up and push on. Even when it doesn’t feel good at all. But I’m a believing person and know God has not set me upon this earth do live a dull and meaningless life. Even considering the great loss of my only child.

The next few weeks you may find my writing here a bit dark. Mother’s Day is coming and it’s not usually a good time for me. Many of you know that I lost my mother when I was 7 months pregnant with Brittany. My mom was only 48 when she died from Breast Cancer. Five years later, my grandmother died of Congestive Heart Failure. Then losing my daughter nailed it shut my ever celebrating Mother’s Day again.

I don’t want to take away anyones love of Mother’s Day – but just know there are some of us out here that wish it would just go by and never breathe it’s breath of heartache over my life again. But it’s all around – you know – every store, every TV show and even in church. I go to church regularly because it’s how I get spiritually fed, however, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are not Sundays I attend church. I choose to stay out of the public on those days, not because I am a recluse, but because I’m tired of having those holidays shoved down my throat.

It’s a painful reminder of what I have lost or been without for so long. For my dear friends and family the magnitude of many losses have profoundly changed who I am as a person. I will forever be different and you will have to learn to be OK with it. I don’t like it much either but it is my reality.

I choose to do a lot of positive things to counteract my losses, but it doesn’t take them away. It doesn’t soften the blow, it doesn’t decrease my pain – it only creates noise in my life to take up the quiet that drives me crazy. When it’s too quiet – I weep.

More on that later.

until next time

mercedes

Unexpected Blessing

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Well – I’m feeling better. It’s been a long week of flu symptoms and it took a lot out of me, but I’m getting my groove back and hoping to enjoy a fabulous Saturday of warmer weather.

Today I had one of those unexpected blessings I talk about from time to time. As some of you know I have a Facebook account and have met some great people as well as reconnected with friends that I haven’t seen or talked in years. Today I got a chance to use Skype for the first time. I was able to talk with a dear friend I’ve only met via FB because of my church. It was 11:00pm there and we were chatting on FB when I asked if she had Skype and she said YES and I said I’d never tried it – so we did and we talked on-line via video for over an hour. Incredible. What a blessing this can be for so many other who miss their friends and family who live far away.

I encourage you to give it a try.

WWW.Skype.com

Check it out.

until next time,

Mercedes