Author: Grief Blessings

Trying to discover why I'm here and where I'm going. Finding out that today is all we have - tomorrow is not guaranteed. So live like today

Stuff

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Today I was going through some pictures and so many memories came flooding back about Brit. Just the emptiness I felt was unbelievable. I don’t think I have cried that hard in a few months. Do you know what it’s like to feel your heart hurt? I have some idea of how it may feel to have a heart attack. The pain part!

Again, I say that I know she is dancing and celebrating being in the presence of our awesome God and I cannot deny that it must be wonderful for her. For the first time, she is truly free of all the suffering and pain she had to endure over the past 15+ years. I’m grateful that she had such a love for God and a willingness to share it with everyone she met. Despite the many trials and tribulations she everyday of her life. Even today, she still has an influence of good will, even though she is not here physically – her story and the stories told by her friends continue her practice of love for God and everyone she met.

If all of us could learn how to treat one another as well as my girl did, well – we’d be seeing a lot less bad news on the TV and a lot more good news!

until next time,

mercedes

Update

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It’s been a while – so much has been going on and I haven’t had much to say. The snow here is endless and it’s so cold. But Spring must be coming soon. Right?

It’s now approaching 5 months since my girl went to her heavenly home. It’s seems like yesterday some days and some days it seems like forever since I have seen her. I miss her so – I find it is really better to just not think about it. When I do it is hard to breathe. It’s hard to imagine life without that funny girl keeping me laughing and always entertaining me with her dancing or singing. I have a great video of her from last summer with her friend Carolyn – singing and dancing. It’s the way I want to remember her most. Happy and carefree!

She is by far the best thing I’ve ever done in my life. The emptiness is hard to bare, but I do it because I have to. I don’t cry as often, I don’t wail as often, I don’t think of her as often, but I miss her like there is no tomorrow. I think that is because she was so much a part of my life. My life centered around her. Everything I did, I did with her in mind.

Now I must move on to the next chapter in my life. I am moving back to my hometown. Back with family. Start my new life. Whatever that is suppose to be I don’t know, I just know it can’t be where I am now. It’s just too painful to be here.

until next time,

mercedes

Every Parent’s Wish

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The other day I got a message to see a post on one of my daughter’s friends myspace blog site. So I went and took a look and what a blessing to see what I did:

just a small part…..

“Brittany was without a doubt, the most amazing friend anyone could EVER even imagine. …..She had the biggest heart, and unlimited love for everyone. And she touched a lot of people’s lives and hearts.

She taught me a lot about life, in a short amount of time. The most important thing she taught me, and inspired me to do is to just be yourself. She was her own person, and she didn’t care what anyone else thought, and she was confident, something I’m not sure a lot of us wish we were. Another thing she taught me is make others happy, and you will soon find happiness within yourself. She had a natural ability to make others happy without even having to try. …..she touched my life and I know I will never forget her.”

As a parent I can’t tell you how proud I was to read this. On so many levels, proud she had was such a blessing to so many of her friends; proud she found peace within herself to be so confident; proud to know God’s influence on how she lived her life was more prominent that I ever knew and lastly; proud that her friends are still thinking so passionately of her 4 months later.

This one statement truly says it all – it’s advice that this world could use a lot more of:

“…she taught me is make others happy, and you will soon find happiness within yourself. She had a natural ability to make others happy without even having to try”

Until next time,

m

Why

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I ask myself daily why I continue to feel like she left me yesterday. This walk in grief is strange even though I have walked it before. Even as much as I can explain to you all how I feel, I can’t even become close to accurately describing the continual sense of emptiness and sadness I experience every day. Some days I can talk about her and laugh. Some days I can’t talk without crying.

I wish I could find a way to stop hurting so much.

until next time,

m

Entry for February 18, 2007

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Went to 3 services a church today – that would be a record for me. But Joyce Meyer was the speaker and I just couldn’t miss out on that.

Her message was different at each service, but yet connected to the same topic: Love

Challenged us as christians to love more and preach less esp to our kids and to those who are in need. Living by example and loving people will bring people to God far more than “in your face” preaching.

So tomorrow when you wake up think to yourself – “how can I be a blessing today?” not what can I do for myself. Your life will be blessed many times over for blessing others.

Case in point – someone I work with I believe has this attitude – she sets the bar very high for us when it comes to “being a blessing”. Each holiday or sometimes when I truly need a blessing – she is always there. Leaves little gifts at my locker. Can I tell you – she always knows when I really need something – it’s the gesture really – not the gift. I could be having the worst day and then – there will be this little “blessing” gift she leaves me at the end of the day that just makes me forget about my troubles – even for a short time.

She doesn’t do it for me, she does it for some many people we work with. I can’t imagine who else she does it for in her community or family. What an example to set for the rest of us.

Thanks Shelly!

God Bless You!

God Bless Everyone!

until next time – go out and give somebody in need some love,

mercedes

GriefShare

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Thursday I went to see my counselor and then onto my GriefShare Class. Very exhausting day and evening. I really didn’t have anything left to give after that. The counselor said I was where I should be and to stop being so hard on myself. I told her I was venturing into strange territory when it came to moving forward. To me it means taking care of someone I’ve never taken care of…..ME. I really don’t know what to do. I’ve always cared for others, family, husband, daughter, but never me. I’ve not really lived alone for very long. Memory serves me right, I never really cared for it then and I certainly didn’t make some good choices. Now I am faced with that again, and I don’t like it much.

The GriefShare class was on losing a child. huhhhhh – well that was very difficult to sit through. I cried when the video spoke of what losing a child means….

Things you won’t do…..

see the future as you once dreamed
see her graduate college or even high school
see her get married
see her have children
see her, feel her, hear her…..

again I say – BLAH!

until next time,

m

Best email I’ve ever gotten.

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This was sent to me – made me cry and cry and cry. But thought of my Brittany and knowing she had this same experience.

This is beautiful! Try not to cry.

She jumped up as soon as she saw the surgeon come out of the operating room. She said: “How is my little boy ? Is he going to be all right ? When can I see him ?”

The surgeon said, “I’m sorry. We did all we could, but your boy didn’t make it.”

Sally said, “Why do little children get cancer ? Doesn’t God care any more ? Where were you, God, when my son needed you ?”

The surgeon asked, “Would you like some time alone with your son ? One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes, before he’s transported to the university.”

Sally asked the nurse to stay with her while she said good bye to son. She ran her fingers lovingly through his thick red curly hair. “Would you like a lock of his hair ?” the nurse asked.

Sally nodded yes. The nurse cut a lock of the boy’s hair, put it in a plastic bag and handed it to Sally.

The mother said, “It was Jimmy’s idea to donate his body to the University for Study. He said it might help somebody else. “I said no at first, but Jimmy said, ‘Mom, I won’t be using it after I die. Maybe it will help some other little boy spend one more day with his Mom.” She went on, “My Jimmy had a heart of gold. Always thinking of someone else. Always wanting to help others if he could.”

Sally walked out of Children’s Mercy Hospital for the last time, after spending most of the last six months there. She put the bag with Jimmy’s belongings on the seat beside her in the car.

The drive home was difficult. It was even harder to enter the empty house. She carried Jimmy’s belongings, and the plastic bag with the lock of his hair to her son’s room.

She started placing the model cars and other personal things back in his room exactly where he had always kept them. She laid down across his bed and, hugging his pillow, cried herself to sleep.

It was around midnight when Sally awoke. Laying beside her on the bed was a folded letter. The letter said:

“Dear Mom, I know you’re going to miss me; but don’t think that I will ever forget you, or stop loving you, just ’cause I’m not around to say “I Love You” I will always love you, Mom, even more with each day. Someday we will see each other again. Until then, if you want to adopt a little boy so you won’t be so lonely, that’s okay with me. He can have my room and old stuff to play with. But, if you decide to get a girl instead, she probably wouldn’t like the same things us boys do. You’ll have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like, you know. Don’t be sad thinking about me. This really is a neat place. Grandma and Grandpa met me as soon as I got here and showed me around some, but it will take a long
time to see everything. The angels are so cool. I love to watch them fly. And, you know what? Jesus doesn’t look like any of his pictures. Yet, when I saw Him, I knew it was Him. Jesus himself took me to see GOD ! And guess what, Mom ? I got to sit on God’s knee and talk to Him, like I was somebody important. That’s when I told Him that I wanted to write you a letter, to tell you good bye and everything. But I already knew that wasn’t allowed. Well, you know what Mom ? God handed me some paper and His own personal pen to write you this letter. I think Gabriel is the name of the angel who is going to drop this letter off to you. God said for me to give you the answer to one of the questions you asked Him ‘Where was He when I needed him ?’ “God said He was in the same place with me, as when His son Jesus was on the cross. He was right there, as He always is with all His children. Oh, by the way, Mom, no one else can see what I’ve written except you. To everyone else this is just a blank piece of paper. Isn’t that cool ? I have to give God His pen back now. He needs it to write some more names in the Book of Life. Tonight I get to sit at the table with Jesus for supper. I’m sure the food will be great.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I don’t hurt anymore. The cancer is all gone. I’m glad because I couldn’t stand that pain anymore and God couldn’t stand to see me hurt so much, either. That’s when He sent The Angel of Mercy to come get me. The Angel said I was a Special Delivery ! How about that ?

Signed with Love from God, Jesus & Me.