Author: Grief Blessings

That is selfish. But I’m a mom you see.
With no other children to nurture. I am
left to tend to my own wounds. Deep and
painful wounds of loss and pain.

What I found so easy to do for you, I
cannot do for myself. This place I am
now is so uncomfortable. Caring for myself.
It’s foreign to me.

Lost in a vacuum of a perpetual darkness.
Swirling around and around until I’m so dizzy.
When it stops and I can see – it’s nothing I know.
Not even me.

I miss you so. I’m knocked out and down and I
don’t know how to get up. When does this stage go
away? When does the pain begin to get better? Will it
be too late for me? Will I survive it?

I miss you so.

until next time,

One minute I am smiling and enjoying my moment and then BOOM – I’m reeling in grief and can hardly breathe. Try to explain that one to people. If one more person says to me “I understand what you are going through” – I’m gonna scream. My response to them is “have you ever lost a child?” – if they say no – then I say “Then you can’t possibly know what I’m going through.” That was hard for me to say in the beginning. I was afraid of hurting someone’s feelings. Imagine that!

Just a note about what I am going through – this may help you gain some perspective.

Grief is so hard. If you have never experienced this magnitude of loss, there are no rules. It takes you where it wishes, when it wishes and how ever long it wishes.

Now – my faith has kept me going. Without my faith I can guarantee you without any doubt that I would not be here now writing. I would have ended the pain that I continually endure.

I can’t imagine enduring this without God. Without my church family. Without my friends and family. Yet it is one of the loneliest journeys I’ve ever made. And it’s just only beginning.

Yes I did say beginning. It’s only been 4 months. 4 months Tuesday the 13th.

I became a mother – for 17-1/2 years it’s what defined who I was.

I had a vision of what would be possible for my daughter and myself: for her going to college, finding true love, be all she could be; and for me, seeing something I created experience life, getting married, planning a wedding with her, helping her with her babies, etc.

When you lose your child, your only child – all those future plans and hopes are lost too.

Like this author I struggle to find meaning, to work, to write, to read, to make any type of decisions.

Why….because after nearly 50 years of living a life – I no longer know who I am or what I am to become.

What I do know….life is too short…..it passes you by in a blink of an eye…..one day you are someone….and the next you are not……now I have to find out who I am and I need to do it sooner rather than later….afraid to make any wrong decisions or mistakes…..almost paralized by the grief.

Part of me wants to flee as far as I can…..Part of me wants to keep everything the way it was….Part of me doesn’t want to breathe another breath…..Part of me wants to live like there is no tomorrow.

The challenge for me and my closest supporters is to find a compromise that will help me to move forward without thinking I’m leaving her behind.

until next time,

until next time,

Get your jersey and cap on and ROOT for the COLTS!

Have a great weekend – despite all the SNOW!

You know – Monday was a bad day and I have written some hard stuff. God always sends me the right message when I need it the most.

During her show she was interviewing one of her staff who had been receiving questions from viewers for Joyce to answer or give her input on. Right in the middle of the show Joyce turns to the viewers and says, “I’m sorry, but I feel very strongly that I must pray for someone whose just lost their child or the child is sick, etc.” – I nearly fell off the couch. I began to have tears running down my face. As I prayed along with her – I felt so much better. Glory!

I am reminded of how God has blessed me so many times since Brittany’s death. I know it’s hard to believe I can even acknowledge that – but it’s true. He truly loves me and lets me know on a regular basis that I am his and he will never leave me. This is something I didn’t realize or know before her death. I’ve always believed in God – not always been faithful. Esp. when my mom died at age of 48 while I was 7 months pregnant with Brittany. I walked away from God then, and felt he didn’t care about me.

I was wrong. It took the loss of my daughter for me to wake up and see where my life was going. Not in a good direction I’ll tell you. I’m a good person, love my work, loved my kid unconditionally – but I was not living a life for God. I was not bringing people to the Lord. He let me know that I now need to make that my mission for the rest of my days.

Let me tell you one thing – I can get through the death of my only child ONLY by the GRACE of GOD. Yes I may have bad days and I may write some very dark stuff – but that’s normal. But I also see hope even in my darkest days. That is God’s gift to me. I know now without any doubt that I will be seeing my little girl again in heaven. Yes I will be in heaven. God has challenged me to live for Him. I’ve been given a new chance at life to live the way he wanted me to live.

You can too. I say to anyone who reads my blog, that if you don’t know Christ – please know you life will be forever changed if you accept him as your Lord. My life is and will be a testimony of what God can do in your life if you let him.

May God reap many blessings on your life. Those of you who support me and continue to support me – you know you are storing up a pile of blessings for yourself in heaven. Glory!!!!

until later,

Now it is different. I moved all the pictures into one room, except the one big one in my living room. I avoid looking at it at times, somedays I don’t want to think about it. Other times, I think about her and I can manage ok. I seem to be at a cross road with the grief thing…

Somedays – it’s so hard I don’t think I can breathe.

Somedays – it’s so hard because I can breathe.

Somedays – it’s so hard to remember her.

Somedays – I am so grateful for having her for 17 years.

Somedays – I feel robbed.

Somedays – I want to die.

Somedays – I feel like a 2nd chance has been given to me to get my life right.

Somedays – life is just plain hard. It’s been hard for a very long time. I am tired.

later,