Category: death

When Everything Changes

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I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the past few days and I have come to the conclusion that it’s hard to reinvent yourself late in life. How do you move forward to a new life when you’re still are reeling from the past one? Where does one start? How do  you get the ball rolling – so to speak.

There are a lot of books out there about reinventing  yourself – but it mostly is directed towards a profession. I’m talking about digging down deep and finding out one of two things: who are you? or who are you meant to be? Because clearly after a life change  you are not who you once were. Despite friends and family wishing you would just pick right back up and move on the same ole’ person you were before.

Reinventing who you are starts with finding out what matters to you. What morals do you believe in, live by. What value to put on – anything? Even  yourself. Perhaps writing a “mission statement” for yourself might be a good place to start. Something to think about – then of course, you’d have to know and understand what a mission statement is. I’ll tell you I know what it is not – a picture you hang on your wall for everyone to view, but for no one to live by. I know you’ve seen them hanging in the halls of many businesses’ right? – I have.

Franklin Covey has a great website for helping someone write their own personal “mission statement” – here is my first attempt using their website:

I am at my best when I am surrounded by grateful people..
I will try to prevent times when I am surrounded by hurtful people and when I am lonely.
I will enjoy my work by helping facilitate communication between management and my teams..
I will find enjoyment in my personal life by making people smile..
I will find opportunities to use my natural talents and gifts such as my love being creative –  Photography, jewelry, advertising, mentoring..
I can do anything I set my mind to. I will help unsuspecting people in need..
My life’s journey is about my faith in God and fulfilling the purpose He has created for me..
I will be a person who my friends thought I was a great friend, mentor and lover of life..
My most important future contribution to others will be to make sure my nieces and nephews don’t ever forget my late daughter who lived life out loud and full of joy.

I will stop procrastinating and start working on:

  • feeding the hungry
  • recycling
  • mentoring young people

I will strive to incorporate the following attributes into my life:

  • Love everyone
  • help the needy
  • live everyday grateful – even when life got tough

I will constantly renew myself by focusing on the four dimensions of my life:

  • walking outside and seeing God’s creation
  • Spending time with my spiritual family at church.
  • Meditation when I can.
  • Watching a funny movie. Laughing

So there  you go…. go give it a try. http://www.franklincovey.com/msb/

Until next time,

m

 

The Many Facets of Grief

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Sometimes topics come to me in a quick thought, or sometimes by something I have seen or heard but today it was a question someone asked: What are you writing about today? And my response was Pain, suffering, angst, grief & redemption. So here it goes.

The pain of loss is so profound that one cannot explain how it feels. I’ve attempted several times on this blog and in my book to put the pain to words and somehow I don’t think I’ve ever come close. In looking back at some of the poetry and other blog posts I do see the pain very clearly. But still those words – they are just words. They cannot put a speck of meaning to the hole in my heart, in my life and in my future that remains from the loss of my daughter.

The pain resides like a never healing sore. It gets better some days and gets worse on other days. How do I know that you might be thinking. Well every time I hear of a child who passes, it stops me dead in my tracks and immediately get teary-eyed and think “oh those parents”. I know their pain. I know it personally, inside and out. It’s tragic and scary and no one wants to think about it, talk about, write about – but it happens every day. Today my sore got worse.

Today I heard of the passing of little girl from cancer. Tears welled up in my eyes. I don’t even know this child, this family. But I immediately felt a connection. Sometimes when I hear of a child passing, it takes me back to the dark place I don’t like. The place that I don’t want to visit anymore. The nightmarish morning I lost my daughter. Sometimes it just makes me sad for that family. I feel their loss so very personally. Because I know today their sore begins.

The sore represents suffering. Suffering comes like waves of an angry sea. Crashing up on the rocks of our life causing you to gasp for your breath and just when you feel like you have your breath, the waves come back again and again and again. Knocking you down so many times you don’t think you can get up. But you do.

You get up because you have to. You go on because you have to. But the suffering it goes on. It just lessons over time and comes back only to remind you of what you have lost – as if you would forget. This is grief. The grief is a veil one wears over their wounded heart. The veil of grief is a heavy burden to bare. It weighs you down and keeps you from seeing joy.

The angst comes in how you start to live your life out after you have lost so much. It can close off your heart from love because you feel like loving someone again would just be impossible. You find yourself not letting people get close for fear they will die. As you have some disease that makes people die. I certainly thought so. I mean really – my mom, my grandmother, my daughter, my aunt. It’s a laundry list of death and destruction.

But thank God there is a God of redemption – God promises to comfort those who mourn. He promises to heal the broken-hearted. He offers hope that by the resurrection we will be reunited with our loved ones again some day. So yes there is pain, suffering, angst, grief & redemption and I am grateful that I know my God is standing beside me every step of the way.

Until next time

m

Fighting for my Faith

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A REPOST FROM 2007 ABOUT FAITH – SEEMS AS THOUGH THIS APPLIES AS MUCH TODAY AS IT DID THEN…..

 

Today I heard a sermon that I needed to hear!

In the past few months my faith has taken a back seat. As I listened to the pastor at my GR church, I realized that I have let the devil take over my life in some areas. Most importantly my faith. My faith was beginning to take a downward turn. My outlook was getting dimmer and less optimistic. All because my faith had lost it’s voice.

I never understood just how much my church meant to my faith building. Being in the presence of believers with strong faith and charismatic praise has had a huge impact on me, especially during the first months after Brittany’s death. It was how I made it through every minute of every day. I surrounded myself with my fellow church members.

Now I’m in a new church – possibily looking for someplace else, but sorely lacking that support. Without that support, the devil has crept back in like the snake he is, and took advantage of my current circumstances.

This is what I was reminded of and believe I must do to receive healing:

Faith must have a voice!

Mark 11:23 “…whoever says to this mountain, be lifted up and thrown into the sea! and does not doubt at all in his heart but believes that what he says will take place. it will be done for him.”

Believe

Mark 11:24 “For this reason I am telling you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe (trust and be confident) that it is granted to you, and you will receive it.”

Forgive

Mark 11:25 “…if you have anything against anyone, forgive him and let it drop, in order for that your Father who is in heaven may also forgive you.”

Mark 11:22-26 is such an important passage for me and for anyone going through a tough time. I have looked the other way for too long and must get back on track. My life depends on it.

I am praying that God will help me to get back on tract so that I can live a balanced, victorious life.

until next time,

m

I Can’t Let You In Today

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J’ai un lourd coeur aujourd’hui. La douleur de perte continue pour toujours. Il vous frappe le droit quand vous le moins vous y attendez.

The quote I posted above in French means “I have a heavy heart today. The pain of loss goes on forever. It hits you right when you it less expect it.” I use French because it is a language I love to listen to, try to understand yet cannot speak.

Today I am having one of those days that just keeps coming back despite all my belief, my trust, my hard work, my support and my God. Why? Well as anyone who has ever dealt with grief for whatever reason knows it returns when it wants. It haunts daily. Sometimes even minute by minute. In the early days of grief the sorrow is all so consuming. You breathe it. You cry it. Yet it’s as if it’s a staring contest to see which one will remain standing.

What I have come to learn, through many tearful, anguish-filled days and nights is this: you can’t fight it. You have to let it come on in and take a seat. Stare back determined to show that God has your back and He will not let you fail. He will not let the all-encompassing darkness take hold of you – if you will only ask Him.

I remember so many nights calling out to God and begging, praying, pleading – “please take this away” “take away this pain” “take away this huge gaping hole in my heart” – yet it is still here today for a reason. God has provided me so much comfort these past 3 years, but the one thing that will not go away is the fact that it all happened.

What reason can you imagine why I still have to battle this grief? I’m still figuring that one out. When I get really quiet and listen – ever so quietly I can hear God whispering – look around you so many people are hurting. Help them.

But what I forget is this  – I still need nurturing too. I have gotten to a point where I write about my experience in hopes that someone can read it and say “that’s it” I get it. But I still need that too. Problem is – I keep everyone at arm’s length. To let people into my life is extraordinarily difficult.

I see close relationships as a path down a road of loss I do not want to visit ever again. So you see although I have come so far I have so far to go. I have lost so much, so much so, that I will do whatever it takes to keep people at a comfortable distance. It’s a protective mechanism I have chosen to use to keep people away. For if I let someone in – I see death. I see love as a means to death because so many people I have loved have left me or died. It’s what I know.

This to I know – God keeps working on me and He keeps loving me despite my pain. And that is the most important message I can give today. One day I know God will help me to see that letting others in, and I mean really in will not hurt. But today it hurts.

until next time

m

The Former Things Are Passed Away

Even if it’s through this blog, my book, the way I live my life. Somehow the message of hope will prevail.

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“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There won’t be death anymore. There won’t be any grief, crying, or pain, because the first things have disappeared.” Rev. 21:4

from International Standard Version (©2008)

I can’t tell you how many times I have come back to this scripture for comfort during my journey of grief. These words written have given me hope to get through a tough minute. The hope to get through a tough day. The hope to get through this tough life.

For me it’s comforting to know that one day there will be no more tears, no more death, no more mourning. That one day when Jesus returns all the bad things will be passed and I will be able to see my loved ones who have gone before me.

When you are dealing with grief some days it’s hard to see the blue sky for the grey clouds. The blue sky represents life and the grey clouds represent death. That is why it is so important to have a firm foundation in a faith that will sustain you during those tough times.

I know that some people who are experiencing this journey of loss may not have a faith like mine. They may not have any faith at all. I seriously don’t know how any one could go through such a loss could survive it without faith. My faith has been the rope I have clung to for so long.

I understand that not everyone believes what I believe. But I can tell you without a doubt that I am still standing because of my faith. I am still alive because of my faith. I am still moving forward because of my faith. My faith that God will make all things right. That God will return all that has been taken from me.

I believe with all of my broken-heart that God will continue to heal it and to mold my new life into something far greater than I’ve ever experienced before. Something that will make a difference in the world. Even if it’s through this blog, my book, the way I live my life. Somehow the message of hope will prevail.

People often ask me how I make it through each day. Simple, unseen, but heart-felt belief in God.

Until next time

m

Creating Space

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Some days I find it hard to find the space to become quiet and listen for God’s voice. In the business of my day, I have become attached to the noise. It fills the void that exists in my life. Noise that I used to hate.

Noise used to make me crazy. I hated the TV on and I loved to play music on the stereo. But since Brittany’s death noise has become a necessary evil. It keeps me from hearing nothing. Which reminds me she is not here. Which then makes me sad and I withdrawal from the world.

Now I keep the TV on far more than I used to. And I no longer play music. It all reminds me of the life I had, the one I loved so much and the one I don’t have anymore. When I try to go back – I cannot.

I now realize I have to create some space in my life that allows the quiet to return. So I can hear what I need to hear to heal. To move forward – to allow love back in my life. The love of music, the love of reading, the love of being out with people. And just plain love.

Little did I know that creating that kind of space would be so hard. It’s just easier to keep the noise going and the thoughts pushed back. But that doesn’t accomplish much. In fact, it keeps me from enjoying life. Some days I think to myself – Malissa – you got a life to live. A life that God wants you to live. To live it loudly and with abundance. Yet I struggle with that. Because it means moving on.

Moving on means, saying goodbye – that is so very, very hard to do. I’m not sure how to do that yet. I will be writing about that process over the next few weeks. The journey I’m about to make myself take will be painful, yet exciting all at the same time. It’s time. It’s my time. And I want my life back.

Until next time,

m

Vacant Space

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Vacant Space

There was a time when life was full
and we were always running the race
but now after these long 3 years
my life has become this vacant space.

There was a time when life was busy
and we were always running the race
always looking for more time to spend
but now all that exists is vacant space.

There was a time when life was so right
and we took it all for granted;
believing the joy would never end
but now all that exists is vacant space.

There was a time when I laughed at your jokes
and cried when you were hurting;
knowing that I would always be your mom
and you would always be my daughter;
but now all that exists is vacant space.

There was a time when you showed me
what it means to live beyond your ability
To imagine the world as your own
but now all that exists is vacant space.

There was a time when I saw you die and;
knowing although you were with God
helped me to heal – though still all I know
is the place in my heart where you lived is
now all but a vacant space.

There is a time when I have to move on
a time when I have to choose to be more
than I have been, that shell of a vacant space;
Only now do I realize that the vacant space is
still filled with your love and your sweet face.

Peace to you my sweet little girl Brittany.

love mom

When You Hit The Wall – Again!

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I’m choosing to repost this because it is that time of year when I hit the wall and and I hit it hard. I go into protect mode and I withdraw from everything – why – because you don’t want to see it, feel it or touch it – it being the pain
I feel as each October comes and goes. I relive it all over and over again and in doing
so I hit the wall over and over again.

I had a lot to think about after watching “Love Happens” this past weekend. As you may recall from my blog post yesterday, this movie is about a guy who has lost his wife and after her death he writes a book. As the book becomes successful he goes out and conducts seminars with people who are stuck in the grieving process.

Again without taking too much from the ending, I wanted to address the real problem with getting stuck in grief from my own personal perspective.  I’m not a therapist, but I do know a little something about grief and about the various setbacks and progress one experiences during their journey.

Fear – what is it? Fear can be paralyzing. Fear can be deafening. Fear can be what I call the Wall. In the many books I’ve read over the past three years there seems to be a prevailing similarity between each author and that is they all experienced fear as a setback in their journey. But where does that fear come from. I believe it can start at the very core of who a person is. I also believe it can be from an experience so horrific it paralyzes you to the point that you feel as if any move you make will be the wrong one. You just can’t move forward. You don’t trust anyone. You don’t trust in life.

The Wall I am referring to is one I hit pretty early and I hit it hard. For the longest time I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t seem to move forward. Why after progressing so well in my journey did I suddenly come to a standstill? After seeing this movie I believe I finally understand why.

In the weeks before Brittany’s death we had just gotten the news that her epilepsy had progressively gotten worse and without reason. It rocked our world beyond belief. How could she have gotten a clean bill of health before going to Costa Rica and then return showing signs of new seizure activity. We just didn’t understand it. As a nurse I truly felt helpless.

On the eve of her death, she had called me at work saying one of her hands felt weird – like when she’s been on the computer too much. So I told her to call me in an hour if it wasn’t any better. She never did call me and when I got home a few hours later she said it was totally better. Then an hour later after watching some TV and talking on the phone to her boyfriend I found her having a grand mal seizure in the chair at her desk.

Her friend and I rushed to get her out of the chair and I administered the medication to bring her out of it. We hadn’t needed that medication in years. She hadn’t had a grand mal seizure in 4 years. The seizure activity she was experiencing to that date was all petit mal. Most of the time you would have never seen her have a seizure.

As a nurse, I knew something was not going right. This medication had stopped the activity years before, but not this time. So paramedics were called and they spend more valuable time arguing with me about whether or not she was still seizing. Seriously, why argue with a mother who, one was a nurse and two had been dealing with this child’s illness for 17 years. Seriously.

Once at the hospital, things grew progressively worse until she was admitted into Peds. ICU. And then she became increasingly unstable and in 12 hours the doctors told us there was nothing more they could do. So we had to make a decision to stop the attempts to resuscitate her. The most horrific moment in my life. Looking that doctor in the eye and telling him to stop CPR. I knew she would never recover. As a nurse I knew she’d be in a coma or a in vegetative state for the rest of her life. She had gone into multi-organ failure and there was nothing anyone could do. Except for God.

I prayed so hard earlier that night. Praying for God to heal or take her so she wouldn’t suffer anymore. Little did I know he would honor the second part of that prayer. I think in some small way I feel guilty about that. Maybe I didn’t have enough faith. Maybe because I said “or take her” that was a test of my faith and I failed miserably. I couldn’t even save my own daughter. I remember thinking “I’m a damn nurse and pediatric nurse and I can’t even save my own daughter.”

I wondered often in the months after her death if I’d missed something critical. Did I overlook some sign that I could have been more proactive. I tore myself up month after month asking God why. Why would he take her from me. Hadn’t I suffered enough. It took me a long while to get to a place where I knew it wasn’t about me. But it’s a place a lot of grieving parents get stuck.

The “Wall” I hit – the fear I succumbed to – finally took its toll on me physically and mentally. I felt I couldn’t stay in clinical practice any longer. I’m seriously. How could I expect to help save a life, when I couldn’t even save my own daughter’s life. Remembering I’m a pediatric nurse. I just couldn’t bring myself to work any longer in the job I loved – taking care of kids. I lived in fear every day that I would be presented with having to be involved in saving the life of a child and it would all come back to me. The fear was paralyzing.

Facing this fear has to be the first step in the recovery of grief. I hit the Wall of Fear and I hit it hard. So this meant I had to do some hard work. In fact, I’m still a work in progress, but with God’s help and the help of many friends, I have come a long way. But I have a long way to go. For grief stays with you forever. My daughter’s memory will be with me forever. The memory of that night however, I’d like to bury along with my fear.

Until next time

M

New Grief Revisits Old Grief

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My aunt died this week and I have had a much harder time than I anticipated. It has brought back some fresh feelings about my daughter’s death that I thought I’d dealt with.  Like why do I feel like my life has been a constant journey uphill and against a headwind of 60+ mph.

New Grief takes you back to places you don’t want to go. It makes you remember the moment you lost your loved one and it takes a accumulative toll over time.

No one really understands that – except God. I get a great deal of comfort from knowing my troubles here on earth will seem distant and unimaginable once I see the face of God. The one thing that I say to people and they get a little wacky is that I’m ready now.

When life doesn’t make sense and you try to live a new life you don’t know how to live. You live a day-to-day existence that is just too much to bare.

Grief

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Grief permates your very existence. It stays with you always. When you heart has been torn out and you don’t feel like it will ever heal. Then…God works on you and you feel better. Then another death comes and you relive it all over again. I liken it to a vary large pile up on a freeway of cars. One on top of the other. Eventually the weight becomes too difficult to sustain. Today is one of those days. I’ve had them before and they come again.

The thing that I know now that I didn’t know during previous loses is that I know where to go get my strength to make it through one more day.  But it still hurts, it still creates a heaviness to my soul that makes me so very tired.