Category: grief journey

Writing

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As most of you know I’m currently trying to finish a book on grief. So I took my research with me on vacation in order to get some more work done on the book. Well – while reviewing my book, I began to feel some of the dreadful pain that permeated my soul for so long. I had read from previous authors that writing about such a painful topic would cause one to revisit their grief, but I had no idea how profoundly hard writing this book would be.

As I begin the final phase of the book, I am reminded that there is a great deal of work to be done in this area. What do I mean by that? I’m just saying that there are many topics to discuss and they are painful and take you places you may not want to return. It takes guts and shear determination to write a book so soon after the event. But I will forge on, because it is my purpose, at least for now.

If my book helps one person realize that the feelings they are feeling and will feel are valid and that there are others who have gone before us and many more, sadly enough, who will come after us. And it is our job to help them through the journey.

Until next time,

mercedes

Extreme Home Makeover

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This week Extreme Home Makeover show featured a family that suffered the loss of not one but two of their children. One to domestic violence and one to a drunk driver. All needless deaths. Now my daughter didn’t die from the hand of another, but a disease that was just as violent – Epilepsy.

But what I found most healing is that the message that was there for all of America to see – you never – ever – get over the loss of a child. 1 year, 5 years, 10 years – never. You can get through it, but never over it. You could see from the grief that remains on the faces when they speak of their children. In fact, the father stated that they are affected everyday by their absence. Not just holidays, or birthdays etc. But everyday.

I hope that those of you who haven’t lost a child took away the message that the consistent love and support is what helps families get “through” their loss. After reading so many books on grief and loss it still strikes me as odd that people still believe you can get over it. Yes, you can move forward, press on hopefully making something positive in your life that speaks to the kind of child you had. But you don’t really move on, moving on means picking up where you left off with your life – that you cannot do. Moving forward is taking a new path, one that is without your child. That my friends is the hardest step to make. I believe it is the place where people who are grieving the loss of their child get stuck. Where they need the help the most, and sadly where most people around them have “moved on”.

I would encourage anyone dealing with loss to look into what it means to move forward. And encourage those who know someone is suffering a loss and maybe stuck – to help me see the difference between “moving on and moving forward”.

Until next time,

Mercedes

Validation

Validation is a gift we give one another to acknowledge that we care.

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I am reposting this entry after having a heartfelt discussion with one of my brothers – this hits home about the importance of validation. At the end of the day – that’s all that really matters – knowing we are loved no matter what. That spending time with the ones you love and treasure validates their existence. It says “you matter to me”.

Validate human life by acknowledging one’s existence at that moment in time. – unknown

I’m not sure where I read this or heard this quote but today I wanted to speak to this issue of validation. It’s been in my mind a lot lately and I need to release this out there.

Susan Duke wrote about what memories mean to a grieving soul. I have read her book “Grieving Forward” so many times, I think there are some parts I know by heart. She speaks about how memories of our loved one are vital to the healing process. But guess what – memories are just that – memories. You can’t see them, feel them, touch them, hug them – you can only recall – it’s what you chose to do with that memory that’s important.

That’s where validation comes in. Validation is acknowledging that something or someone exists or existed. Validation that our loved one existed allows us to create some sense of “yes, I really did have that person in my life” – and even though they are gone, you are the person you have become because of having that person in your life.

Validation is a gift we give one another to acknowledge that we care. We may not know what to say or we may not know what to do; but we can come and walk along with our grieving friends and family. Being there and present speaks volumes to a grieving person. Until you have walked in a grieving peron’s shoes you will never know just how much validating their loved one means to their healing.

Think of validation as your gift to them.

until next time,

mercedes

Sunday

What it feels like to have Mother’s Day in my face.

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It’s raining today – AGAIN! Seems as though we’ve had our fair share of rain this month. I don’t know about you, but I’m quite tired of it all. I’m believing for some sunshine linked by several days of continued sunshine.

Now that my taxes are done, and oh did I owe, I’m getting back to finishing my book. I don’t have much left to do. But it does seem a bit disorganized and needs some polishing. Writing has never been one of my fortes but after much prodding by my peeps (friends who have read my blogs over the past two years) I have decided to pursue it.

Some days you just have to pull yourself up and push on. Even when it doesn’t feel good at all. But I’m a believing person and know God has not set me upon this earth do live a dull and meaningless life. Even considering the great loss of my only child.

The next few weeks you may find my writing here a bit dark. Mother’s Day is coming and it’s not usually a good time for me. Many of you know that I lost my mother when I was 7 months pregnant with Brittany. My mom was only 48 when she died from Breast Cancer. Five years later, my grandmother died of Congestive Heart Failure. Then losing my daughter nailed it shut my ever celebrating Mother’s Day again.

I don’t want to take away anyones love of Mother’s Day – but just know there are some of us out here that wish it would just go by and never breathe it’s breath of heartache over my life again. But it’s all around – you know – every store, every TV show and even in church. I go to church regularly because it’s how I get spiritually fed, however, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are not Sundays I attend church. I choose to stay out of the public on those days, not because I am a recluse, but because I’m tired of having those holidays shoved down my throat.

It’s a painful reminder of what I have lost or been without for so long. For my dear friends and family the magnitude of many losses have profoundly changed who I am as a person. I will forever be different and you will have to learn to be OK with it. I don’t like it much either but it is my reality.

I choose to do a lot of positive things to counteract my losses, but it doesn’t take them away. It doesn’t soften the blow, it doesn’t decrease my pain – it only creates noise in my life to take up the quiet that drives me crazy. When it’s too quiet – I weep.

More on that later.

until next time

mercedes

Mother’s Day is Coming – Blah!

But I can’t imagine living a life without hope. Can you?

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I am reposting this Mother’s Day note because this is the season of grief that I am in now….. Mother’s day to me has become the worst holiday of them all. It has become meaningless in the face of tragic loss and a fragmented life left in it’s wake. But once it passes – I will again see the beauty of life and all it has to offer….but until then I cry, I weep, I mourn and I do it without shame or without regret for it is my journey to healing…

 

When you lose your only child, and your mother, and your grandmother – Mother’s Day becomes a day you dread more than any other. Over the past three years since my daughter’s death, I have come to dread this day over her “angel” day, her birthday or any other holiday.

The one thing I know for sure is I am so very grateful it comes on the heels of Easter. It is because of the Resurrection of Jesus that I can continue to breathe and move forward without my baby. My hope is in the Lord and that I will see her again very soon. What a joyous occasion that will be.

I know that for some unbelievers this concept can be a stretch. But just let me say that I would rather believe in God and have his love and compassion keep me filled with love and hope than to not believe and feel my life had been wasted. My hope in the Resurrection rests firmly on my beliefs that Brittany is with God now and one day I will be reunited with her. That is how I get through each and every day.

Does that make going through the remainder of my days filled with emptiness any easier. Sometimes. But I can’t imagine living a life without hope. Can you?

Blessings

Mercedes

Grief Speaks

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As I continue my journey of healing, I have come to know the many voices grief speaks. First it doesn’t have a voice. It first presents itself as a lump in your throat. I remember thinking I must be getting a cold or food was getting stuck in my throat, when really it was my pain that was getting stuck. The grief couldn’t get out, wasn’t being heard, stuffed out, stuffed back.

Now, after over 2 years, it’s been heard, felt, ignored but it’s still there, just not so “vocal” these days. It’s more like a whisper that I hear when I see something or someone that looks like my daughter, or mom. And quietly my grief speaks to me trying to remind me that I have grief in my soul. My soul has to be heard. It has to have a voice.

The one thing I know is grief must speak and it must be heard. If you don’t have someone who you can trust to listen, find someone. It is crucial to your healing.

m

Mother’s Day

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This will be my Second Mother’s Day since my only child, Brittany past away. I am finding it even harder than the First Mother’s Day.

I lost my mom September 16, 1988, a few months shy of the birth of my daughter Brittany. It was such a long time ago. I don’t remember much about that time, other than I was so struck with grief that I didn’t eat much or even say much for two months. I just sat in my babies nursery rocking in my rocker and staring blindly into space. Then my OB said I needed to get ready for my baby and I needed to quite thinking about my mom and start thinking about my baby. So I did.

It took five years to come to terms with my mothers death. Thanks to Hope Edleman’s book Motherless Daughters. I also became busy taking care of my daughter who’d been diagnosed with Epilepsy. She’d had a viral fever when she was 11 months old and nearly died. The Epilepsy was thought to have been caused by that fever.

I also lost my grandmother during this five year period as well. You know, I never gave my grandmother’s grief over losing her daughter much thought back then. So after losing the only other female role model in my life, I threw myself into raising my daughte, who had some delays from the Epilepsy.

I was going through nursing school at the time of my grandmother’s death. It was a very stressful time for me. We moved away to another state and just when you have all your child’s doctors and school stuff organized – ya gotta go and do it all over again. I don’t think her father really ever got how difficult it was to manage her healthcare.

At age 10 my daughter was diagnosed with Crohns Disease. And she also had a grand mal seizure too. Don’t you just wonder – “what’s next”? – How much dreadful crap does a person have to take? I know I asked it every day – but more to the point – why did my daughter have to suffer so much?

Then just when things looked like they were going well – BAM – another blow! She begins having odd seizures – ones we’ve never seen before. After approximately one year of doctors not listening, many appointments, failed treatments – my daughter dies of an epileptic seizure. Yes IT Does Happen!

Now I live with the reality of Mother’s Day – my mom is gone, my grandmother is gone and my daughter is gone. How does someone get through something like this?

I pray every day that God shows me why I am still here – seriously I don’t get it. I don’t like it much! In fact, I pray that I go sooner than later. What is really ironic is that everyday I live with pain in my body and somedays it’s hard to get up and go to work. But I do. However, the pain in my heart – that’s what is hard to live with.

Too Damn Bad

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This is not going to go over well with some people – but too damn bad! This is how I feel!

It’s not ok

It’s not ok to not talk about her
I’m sorry if it makes you feel
uncomfortable – would you want
to walk in my shoes? I’d gladly
give them to you.

I know I’d get them back in a
flash – it’s too hard. You can’t
even imagine how hard. You think
you know – but unless you have
had a huge hole in your heart
ripped out in a flash – YOU DON”T
EVEN COME CLOSE TO KNOWING!

But what hurts more – is ignoring me.
Ignoring her – ignoring her life – her existence.
You know you do it because it makes
YOU feel better. But it keeps me from
healing. What you perceive as helping me,
is in fact hurting me.

What can you do you ask? Listen, learn and
acknowledge my grief. It’s real. It’s not going
to be easy. It’s not going away any time soon.
But most of all – don’t deny her life. You may have
not been a large part of her life, but she was a huge
part of mine. Blood is thicker than water.

I sit alone – today! In my grief, choked by pain!
But I will be OK – because I believe she is with me
every minute. God provides me enough GRACE to
get through every minute of every day. One Day At
A Time! But you could make it easier! But you do not.

m