Category: grief journey

I was reminded today while watching a show on spirituality that I had forgotten a very important aspect of my continued journey on healing. The letting go of who I was. Letting go of who I had become, letting go of what I thought I was to become, and letting go of the life I had come to know and love.

In order to find who I am to become I have to let go of who I had become. For they cannot exist at the same time, in the same space if I am to move forward. Saying that sounds strange, believing in it even stranger. For so long I lived for my daughter. I gave her every part of me. I had to. At least I felt I had to. I don’t know if it was guilt because she became ill at an early age and I wasn’t able to get her the help fast enough to avoid the neurological deficits that were to come or because it was the lack of attention I received as a child. Or was it that I had waited so long to have a child and so grateful to have a child, that I gave all of me to her. I also lost my mother while pregnant with Brittany and maybe the unconscious me was holding on for dear life trying to make sure I didn’t lose her. In the end I did. I lost everything.

In giving everything I had – I lost myself somewhere along the line. I forgot what it was like to just be me. I forgot me. I was living a life that I thought I was suppose to be living. Maybe I was – for that time. Now is the time I have to let that life go. Can I be real here and tell you that the thought of letting that life go and starting over is daunting to me. It takes me to places you don’t want to know. But that was yesterday. Today I realized that it’s time to become the person I was meant to be. It doesn’t mean I am forgetting who I was or that I am forgetting my beautiful sweet Brittany – it just means I’m letting go.

It will be an adventure I’m sure. And those of you who know me, you know you better hold on – in the words of Betty Davis – “It’s gonna be a bumpy ride.” Those of you who don’t know me or know me that well – you will see some incredible things happen – and it will all be because God has given me such strength to persevere and to keep going that I have to do something with it. I can’t hold onto it another minute. The expression of love and desire to help others is where I see myself going and I can’t wait to see what God has in store for me.

until next time

m

Today I read about a young teenage girl who was killed in a car accident near my home. When I hear of these tragedies, especially when they involved girls near my own daughter’s age, my heart immediately aches for their parents.  Then I read about a young boy’s life cut short after losing his life to an unknown heart condition after playing a soccer game.  None of it makes any sense. The shock, the disbelief, the pain, the sorrow, the emptiness, the anger – it all has to come in it’s own time and on it’s own terms.

I will pray tonight for these families because prayer is what kept me in God’s presence during the most difficult time in my life. So many people lifted me up to God during my painful loss and I know that it made all the difference. My heart breaks so easily when I hear of a loss like that of a child. It’s the hardest loss to endure and it’s the longest loss to live with.

until next time

m

Today I heard the story of a woman in the bible named Hannah. You see Hannah was married, but was unable to conceive a child, so her husband took another wife in order to have children. This was a tradition back in those times. Hannah prayed often to God for a child, but it didn’t happen. She was made fun of by her husband’s other wife because she was able to give him children.

Eventually Hannah’s prayers were answered and she was given a son. For whom she offered his life to God. His name was Samuel. Hannah was so grateful for the chance to have this child she gave God praise for this child and God clearly had heard her prayers. He answered them in His time. So often His time is not our time.

The reason I’m writing about this is because our pastor asked us today to take a moment during the service and reflect on the story and whether or not we identified with anyone in the story.

As I sat there I thought to myself, yeah – I identify with Hannah on so many levels. Hannah felt that her life was empty without being have to have a child of her own. She prayed a lot, but it took a long time for her prayers to be answered. I could see a lot of parallel in her story and mine.

It took a long time for me to get pregnant with Brittany. Went through many months of testing and drugs and moments when I just gave up. Then I got pregnant. During that pregnancy lost my mother to Breast Cancer. Then one year later nearly lost Brittany to Encephalitis. And now having experienced the ultimate loss of a child, I feel that bareness that Hannah was feeling and that I was feeling. But now it is too late for me to have another child.

The emptiness in my life extends far beyond the borders of just having lost a child; it involves so much more. I lost so much when my daughter died, some of my friends and family know what I am referring to, but I will not got into that now. But it has been a tough road. I know Hannah’s hurt, I felt her pain as I heard her story – I understood her resolve.

But the message I got today is that I have to continue to believe in prayer and that God will give me what I need as I need it. That his plan for me may not be what I think it is, but in time I will have back plus more what has been taken from me. Hannah believed and so shall I.

until next time

m

Below is an excerpt from my book that I am currently writing about my experience with grief. I felt very compelled to show this to you as I have someone that I know is struggling with grief and loss and it is my hope that this special message that I received in the weeks after my daughter’s death can bring some peace to her.

A Special Message

God sends you messages all the time – it is our choice to listen.  One came my way the other day from an unexpected source.

“I woke up today thinking of you.  I just wanted you to know that even people who don’t really know you are still praying for you.  Once all the family has gone home, and life tries to go back to “normal” that is when things become the toughest after losing someone.  I’m sure your days are filled with such sadness that I cannot begin to understand.  I had a thought I wanted to share with you.  During your days, if you see something or hear something that is funny, remember to laugh.  Brittany might just be up in heaven sending things her mom’s way to remind you of her.  Let her see you laugh. Just imagine your mother filling her in on all the things you might have done or said as a young girl that you may have forgotten while going through Brittany’s teenage years. Imagine them comparing stories, laughing together and dancing.  What a joyous occasion awaits you one day to reunite with them.” – friend

I knew God was working on this person’s heart to send this message – He knew I would read my email – and possibly not be listening for His voice. He chose this way and it worked. I believe  God chooses “messengers” to deliver his answers or messages. There were many days when I would ask God a question and the next day get the answer through a person who either sent a card or an email.

Something to think about if you know someone is hurting – that a letter or an email may be just what they need to help them see some glimmer of hope.

until next time

m

Today proved to be a day that was full of surprises. I know that my last post was very dark and it caused quite the stir among some of my friends. But those who truly know me, know that I MUST write in order to survive. I choose writing instead of medication. I choose words that bleed from my heart so that it can heal from the pain that I feel as I enter an empty home.

Believe when I say that it is not a daily occurrence that I have these moments, but they do still happen and they will always happen from time to time. Unless you have walked in these shoes, you will not or could not know how difficult some days can be. I will not apologize for having moments of grief for my daughter. I will not apologize for wanting her back so bad that I can’t breathe. I will not apologize for wanting the experience of seeing my girl get married and having children. I will not apologize for wanting what you have.

Thanks to many of my closest friends and family, I have made great strides in my journey. And I am a fighter and will continue to keep moving forward. One day hoping to love again. But the journey will not be easy, but it is the journey that will make me a better person. It will be a journey that will honor my daughter’s memory.

The beautiful vision through a fractured vantage point has blossomed into a reflection of what can be if one has great people standing with them. I am blessed to have that.

until next time

m

Yesterday was a very bad day. So bad that I wrote a letter to my friends and family. Then I slept for a few hours hoping that I wouldn’t wake up, but I did thanks to some noisy teenagers outside.

Then I went to bed and woke up thinking why the hell am I still here. How can there be any purpose in staying when all around me my world is shattering. I keep doing what I am suppose to do. I pray, I vision, I believe – yet the opposite is what I attract. Why is that.

I was looking in the mirror this morning and thinking how can I do this again. One more day. But I do. I pick it up and I keep going. Funny thing is I don’t why. It’s just what I do. I spend a lot of time asking God if you want to stay and do work – I need energy, I need hope, I need the black cloud that travels over my head to go away.

I speak to God as if he is my best friend, well he is. I remember while reading the book “The Shack” thinking if God truly showed up and spoke to me in the vision I have in mind of who he is, I’d have a heart attack. So instead he sends people, my friends, and some only people I have met via Twitter or Facebook to me and the messages they bring remind me of what questions I have been asking God. Kind of freaky I know.

But what message I got in speaking of my own misery, I received blossoms of love and friendship from many sources. Sources that I wouldn’t have expected. People I don’t know or know well. People I’ve known for a short time.  These people reminded me that I matter. That what I am here for I do not know, but one day it will come to me and I’ll be glad I made it through these rough spots.

Thanks for hanging with me my friends – you know who you are.

until next time

m

For 31 months now I have lived a life that was not as it seemed. I became two people. One for you and one for me. I put on a face for you to keep the pain at a distance. Mostly because you didn’t understand. You couldn’t and I don’t blame you. But it’s been incredibly hard and with all of the other battles I’ve had to fight the energy has left my body and what has remained is a shell of a person. I’ve glimmers of moments where I thought I could make it throuh, but as it turns out – I cannot. I’m tired. The battle has been more than I can bare. The contant incoming attacks have overcome my abilities to see any future worth pursuing. Yeah maybe I could help others, but when you can’t get a break yourself, it’s hard to extend something you don’t have. Tonight I will re-read Job and then I will sleep.

God Bless You all,

Malissa

Ok – so yesterday I stirred up somethings and I though it best I reworded what I said to make it more clear what I’m talking about. It was late and I was tired when I wrote yesterday.

Most people don’t know about my life or how it started. I am not going to go into that now, but it does have a great deal to do with the way I think about things today. Having lost my mother while 7 months pregnant with Brittany was devastating to me. It took me 5 years to get to a place of peace with her death. It was at that time that Brittany was diagnosed with Epilepsy. So I went from one type of grief to another.

When a child gets diagnosed with a chronic illness – it changes the direction of their future. You always wonder how they will turn out, if they will have all their abilities, will they be able to go to a normal school and go on to college. Get married, have children, etc. Then as time passes you realize that some of those things may not happen. The grief that you have carried begins to change again. But you press on and you keep believing that things will get better. And they do for a while.

After Brittany’s death I came to the realization that I would never see my daughter go to college, get married, have children or become the person she wanted to be. Nor would I become the person I thought I would be –  a grandmother. I dreamed of the day that I would become a doting grandmother like my own. On October 13, 2006 that was robbed of me.

So for me, loving someone so deeply as I did my mother, my grandmother and my daughter and having them die creates a sense of equating love with loss. Therefore, that is what I was talking about when I said I didn’t think love was in my future. It’s because losing one more person – well I just don’t think I’d have it in me.

My friends do not worry about me. I’m doing ok – I help others who are grieving and it helps me. But love – don’t know how that fits in the picture. I give love of myself to others in need, but to give love from my heart like the love I had for Brittany – well – it just doesn’t seem possible. The pain is too deep and too hard to bare.

Most of this is covered in much more detail in the book, which should be done by the end of the summer.

More on that later,

until next time,

M

I’m not sure where I stand on love. If you would have asked me before my daughter died I would have told you that I totally believed in love and probably would have told you that I was in love. That I had given my heart to someone. But they crushed it. I didn’t think I was going to recover. Then my daughter died.

That left a huge hole in my heart that I doubt will ever heal. I think it has scared over, but love, I don’t think it’s possible to love again. At least to the level I was able to love before. That capacity has been diminished by the scaring that has surrounded my broken heart.

What saddens me most is when I see people who take love for granted. They treat each other with disrespect, or don’t validate who they are as a person. Some people go through life never really feeling validated or loved. That is so sad. So how do we begin to heal that part of our life. We rely on God. We lean into God and ask for the energy, healing, the trust to love uncondionally again and hope that it can happen again.

I remember as a younger girl loving the movie Love Story. Hearing the words “love means never having to say your sorry”. To me love means “love hurts, love = loss” I have to change that in order to survive. I have to find a way to create love and give love without the worry of losing someone.

I’m ready, I think. But only God knows who and when my time will come.

Love everyone, Hate no one, Accept all, Deny none.

until next time

malissa