Keep me in your prayers as I journey through this event with as much grace as I can. I’m praying for monumental grace and peace!

until next time,

I ‘ve been battling a cold now for a few days. It’s basically kicking my butt. I’m hoping it’s gone by the weekend.

Went to the Indy Qualifications at Speedway last weekend. Haven’t done that in a long while. My friend Julie came down to spend time with me. You know, Mother’s Day weekend and all. I was glad she came, even though I had tried to talk her out of coming. Having her here did keep my mind off of missing my girl, but as usual, it creeps back in and takes a hold of me like nothing ever has.

Then I get an email from a family member that her daughter hasn’t come home. She says that she was feeling bad about things and on Mother’s Day was feeling down, and then she remembered me. Thinking how bad I must be feeling. I told her that I think what she is going through is far worse. I know without a doubt my daughter is safe and healthy in God’s arms. I wouldn’t want to be worried about where she was or who she was with. I can’t imagine having that worry. I did with Brit, but now I don’t. In all of my grief, I have to hold onto the positives – however they come.

In my grief, I do find comfort when I think of how she is doing or what she is experiencing. Then if I begin to think about me and how her absence is effecting me, then I get truly sad and don’t want to continue on. Don’t see the reason to. So that is why I choose to keep my thoughts on other things, but sometimes, I just don’t get a choice.

Keep praying for me, as I continue to battle finding my purpose!

Pray for my family too!

until next time,

mercedes

Where has my girl gone?

For once she was in her room,

laughing on the phone, and

now she is gone.

Where has my girl gone?

For once she was dancing and singing,

loving and laughing at me,

now she is gone.

Where has my girl gone?

For she once needed me,

to fix her hair, pick out her clothes

Show her the way, now she is gone.

Where has my girl gone?

The one that I cared for

24-7, 365 days, 17-3/4 years.

The one who cared so much,

for others, but got so little in return.

Now she is gone.

Where has my girl gone?

Who showed us how to love,

unconditional without barriers.

Who wished to be normal, like

her friends, to be loved.

Now she is gone.

Where has my girl gone?

You see my friends,

she is in the arms of God,

Where she needs to be, she

deserves to be, where she

no longer is subject to the

cruelties of this world.

It is a blessing on this Mother’s Day that I can smile and know she is in the presence of our God who is now her protector, her guide, her love, her life, her everything. She is celebrating her life with and before God and as her mom – I’m happy and satisfied she is safe.

As a mother, what more could you want for your child. It’s the ultimate wish! Everything else is selfish!

God Bless All of You Who Are Mothers!

It’s the greatest job and the hardest to give away!

I cast mine on the Lord and I can’t wait to see her again!

until next time,

I submitted this picture I took after Brit died and in 15 minutes I received an email from Oprah.com to accept the submission. This is a really special way to display some great inspiring photos. I was very excited to have my photo accepted.

Enjoy!

until next time,

I’ve lost so much – but mostly I’ve lost my identity. As Mother’s Day approaches, I am racked with grief over the loss of my mom. She died at age 48 from Breast Cancer. I lost my grandmother 5 years later, after a long history of Congestive Heart Failure – she was in her 70’s. And now my daughter – 17 years old – way too soon. I haven’t really liked Mother’s Day since my mom died. Even after becoming a mother 3 months after she died, – it was just too sad for me to think about. And still is.

My identity was so tied up in my family. I was my mom’s daughter, my grand mother’s grand daughter and my daughter’s mother. Now I am none of those. I am no longer a mother. We were all so close. Now there is nothing!

I was able to come to closure with my mom’s death through the help of a great book – Motherless Daugthers by Hope Edelman. This book saved my life. I for once found someone else who felt like I did. I got to meet her a month after I found and read her book. She signed my book and I told her how much her book helped me find closure after 5 years.

So far, I have yet to find anything to help me deal with my daughter’s death and what it means for the rest of my life. How I am suppose to keep going in a life I don’t know how to live. All I know is how to care for my daughter. She had so many needs and I kept very busy keep all her medical records, her medications, her doctor visits and tests all organized. And then of course all the drama that came with school issues.

You’d think that I could find a way to be glad to not have that worry any more. But I’m not. You see I’m happy for her. She is no longer suffering. She is in the presence of God! But me, I’m in the presence of my loneliness. Not knowing what to do next. Even with friends and family by my side – I battle the loneliness and the lack of a role that includes what I have done for the past 17 years. I don’t know what else to do.

Please pray for me as I continue to pray for guidance for what to do for the rest of my days.

until next time,