Category: grief journey

Grieving is like having two heads on your shoulders. One head is trying to keep on a happy face, so that anyone who crosses my path wouldn’t know how much I am hurting. The other head is crying and sad. The two sometimes are competing for dominance. I spend a great deal of time trying to find somewhere in the middle to exist. Some days are better than others. I do very well at keeping things in check – well – at least on the outward appearance. But on the inside, I’m dealing with a broken heart. On so many levels – my heart has been broken over my lifetime. Deep heart breaking life events. One’s that shouldn’t happen to one person again and again.

How do people survive this type of repetitive sadness? Some days I don’t have the energy to battle the demons that live within me. Just when I think I can’t bare another minute of sadness and loneliness, God sends me a message through my “little messengers”. Reminding me that I need to give it all to him and he will sustain me. My injustices will be made right by him. My sacrifices will be rewarded in Heaven. It truly is what I continue to hang on for. What makes me get up every day and keep getting through every minute of every day.

until the next time,

Traveled to GR on Thursday to pack up my house and get it ready for moving on Saturday. My brother and sister-in-law came up and with my neighbor’s help loaded up the truck in record time. After they left for Indy, I stayed and cleaned house for 5 hours. My sister-in-law said as she was driving off from my house that “Candle in the wind” was playing by Elton John and she felt as if Brit touched her shoulder and said “Thanks for helping my mom move”. She was very moved by that! – When she told me – I just cried. It was very emotional for me. I miss her terribly. Every minute of every day!

I don’t think there was any bone or muscle in my body that didn’t hurt. lol

I thought it would be harder to leave GR, but it truly wasn’t. I was struggling more with not having Brit’s stuff with me here in Indy. Now her things are here and I feel better for that.

I saw Carolyn, her best friend, and gave her the scrapbook I made of Brittany and their friendship. We both cried and hugged. What a blessing she was to my daughter.

I’m trying really hard to see the light! Some days I do better than others. My strength comes from God. As he promised – I get enough every day to get through it. I’m praying for easier days with less pain. I need that.

until next time,

mercedes

I know I’m suppose to be enjoying (if that’s possible) my remaining days, but really, that’s alot to ask of someone, especially a parent whose lost their only child. Their reason for being.

The one thing I know now is that love has been such a painful experience for me. It’s always ended in loss of some type. This one being the worst imaginable. I don’t see myself sharing that side of me any more. I don’t believe I could possibly endure any more losses. I just don’t have any thing left.

It’s a struggle to fight the devil every minute that I’m awake. It would be so easy for me to give up and give in. But God’s promise is all I have to hold onto. And I’m holding on for dear life.

until next time,

What is Christianity?

Does this mean we are to be perfect? NO – it’s not possible. But what is possible is anything through Christ. We are to live a life that reflects our beliefs so that people will look at what we do or say or how we live and want what we have. That’s how you bring people to God. Not by judging others. Not by preaching rules and regulations.

It’s really not all that difficult you see. You just have to give your life to God and he’ll do the rest, if you let him.

until next time,

mercedes

A woman began talking about her experience with her son and his passing. From the original delivery of her son to age 12 when he stopped breathing. Their trip to ER via ambulance – ER and his final minutes. Having to stop CPR and watch him die.

Well – I had to leave at the end, because I became overwhelmed with grief that this mother and father had to endure what I know and feel to be the worst thing that could possibly happen to a parent. The early death of a child. It brought back a lot of bad flashes of memory of the CPR and the nurse performing it, while the doctors and others reviewing the information and telling us “her heart won’t be able to take much more”. The most devastating thing I’ve ever heard. Right up there with “your daughter is having seizure activity 70% of her awake time”.

It’s an ugly place to go if I let my mind. I refuse most days to go there, but sometimes I can’t help it. It’s in my face. It’s hard to believe that it’s been almost 6 months.

I prayed a lot today for peace and grace to make it through the day. I did.

until next time,

until next time,

She reminded me this morning on her tv show “Everyday Life” with Joyce Meyer that even though I have been through the worst thing in my life, God will pull me through it and he has a wonderful plan for the rest of my life. I just have to open up and receive it.

So here I am God…..

I’m ready

Bring it on!

until next time,

It’s like a shroud or cloak of grief that washes over you to the point you can not stop it. Then you have to let it go. It envelopes you and takes you to the depths of your existence. That’s the bottom. Where you think I can’t keep going anymore, that it’s just not worth all the pain and loneliness you live with everyday. But you do.

But how long…..

No words can explain how deeply grieved I am today. But I am at one of my most lowest points and no one knows. God knows. I’m sure he’ll be working on me. The physical comfort of having arms holding me and comforting me is not available. Unless you know what I am feeling – I know it must be hard to understand or feel helpful. It’s hard for me to let this out in front of people who haven’t experienced a loss like this. So it goes both ways.

It’s a trust to be able to be moved down to your very soul – letting all the anguish and pain show – knowing you will be protected by the one who listens. Only special people have this gift.

I took Grace to Brittany’s picture and introduced her. Then I couldn’t stand any more – so overwhelmed over my loss. I put Grace down and sat on the couch and began to whale like I can do – you see it’s been a while since I have done that. It’s a deep painful cry that comes from some other part of my heart that I don’t let out enough. There is nothing like the mournful cry of a mother. It’s because the pain is as if your heart was ripped out without warning. You know it will never be healed again. Never.