Category: grief journey

I go forward, but He is not here,
and backward, but I cannot perceive Him;
When He works on the left hand, I cannot behold Him;
When He turns to the right hand, I cannot see Him.
Be he knows the way that I take.

Sometimes I feel just like Job – and sometimes I know is with me. I talk to God all the time and I was beginning to feel he wasn’t going to talk to me. But I now believe that through someone, who may not know it, God is sending me the very words I need to hear. Although those words make me cry out in anguish – I am also comforted by them.

Grief makes you “get real” with yourself: I will no longer say I’m ok when I’m not. Acknowledging my pain will help me to move to the next level in my process.

Stay with me!

malissa

NOTE: This is a dark look inside my heart which is broken and laying before all to see.

 

According to the bible it’s ok to grieve. That you must go through the process and feel every, painful, lonely, empty, broken, worthless, and words I can’t even bare to describe, feeling in order to move forward.

How can we be excepted to weep freely, not holding it in and function on a daily basis? Better yet, how can you weep freely with joyful assurance that God is with us. Really. I tried that – it didn’t work so well. I read where you are not suppose to weep like one who has no hope. Again, I’d like to challenge that one.

I’m already tired of the “time will heal”, it’s gonna take more time – I QUIT!!!!!

There will never be a time when life will be ok. I don’t have any other children. I don’t have a boyfriend or spouse. I have many wonderful friends who are being so supportive – but my empty heart is because I no longer have a child that loves me unconditionally. That says she loves me with that great smile – it always made me feel like I could do anything. Now – I hear nothing but my own negative thoughts guided by the Devil.

It’s funny how you always feel the Devil around – but you don’t feel God that way. Why is that? These questions I will be looking into more. I have daily, hourly conversations with God about this – he’s yet to reply. I’m praying, I’m reading the bible and other materials. I’m watching biblical shows and listening to biblical music – yet still my thoughts run rampant thru the valley of darkness. When can I expect some light? I need some light. I need it soon.

I know this all sounds dark – it is. I’m in one of my darkest hours. I will be praying for God to show me something that I can hang onto. I need that now.

Please continue to pray for me while I battle this out. I expect to come out much stronger, but with less of a love for life. For my reason to love life is gone.

until later,

mal

 

Because I sit alone mourning the loss of my daughter – I have the TV on  to take over the painful quiet of my house.

In watching the rediculous amount of political ads on TV, I am ashamed for our leaders. The mud slinging and personal, IMMATURE, attacks at their opponents is, for at least this voter, embarrassing. Are they not aware that most of us think they are so much about themselves that they are willing to let us see them at their worst. Now in all good faith, can we vote for anyone who attacks their own mankind. That feels so comfortable making nasty comments about people’s intentions. How does that speak to their own convictions and personal soul? 

This is so out of control – I’m so surprised the public is putting up with. If I weren’t dealing with the current loss of my daughter – I’d be writing letters and making phone calls to my local representatives and senators – with a shame on all of you. We should just consider cleaning house and senate and starting over.

I’m embarrased as a US citizen and voter and I’m not sure if I even want to vote – not because I don’t want to be involved – but because I don’t want to give my approval to someone or anyone who thinks its ok to belittle or verbally attack one’s character on national TV.

What does that speak of their soul and of their character? How do we trust them in government to do the job they are voted to do?

Yesterday on a CNN program an 8th grader wrote into the show that was on “Our Broken Government” – he wrote something that made abosolutely common sense to him and it is beginning to make sense to me:

“In school, if we are bad we have to go to time out, or stand outside the classroom or worse yet go to the principle’s office. Sometimes even the bad kids get kicked out of school.” he goes on the ask “Why can’t we do that for the two houses in Washington?” – I ask the same. Are we afraid to make our leaders more accountable?

Something to mull over as you decide on which “person” to vote for on Tuesday.

Vote your values, vote your common sense, do NOT vote in purposeful ignorance for someone just because he/she is in which party. PARTY no longer should be the issue. The person’s record and character should be your voting guide.

good luck on Tuesday

mercedes

I was very  angry and cried most of the day. A complete contrast t the day before. Must have just been building it up. I kicked a few things around and yell and screamed mostly to God. I keep asking for answers – not for why she died – I know that. But what about me – what is my purpose? I am no longer a daughter, granddaughter or mom to the 3 most wonderful women in my life. I was with each one of them at their last breath – giving my appoval of their passage onto a better place. Always leaving me behind – less of a purpose. I feel I have nothing left to give or to have taken away. Im numb to my soul – empty with no desire to stay here.Yet I have to. Kind of like hell on earth.

Pray for me as I continue to listen, look out and study where I go next and what I should do.

 

m

Yesterday I didn’t cry for the first time since Brittany died. I wonder if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I stayed very busy and then went to the football game where she went to school.

Today – I’m more weepy and somewhat mad. So I must be going back and forth between the stages of grief. I know God is in control – but it’s so hard. The hardest thing I’ve ever had to endure and I’ve had to endure some rough stuff over the years.

This will either make me or break me. I’m trying very hard. So keep me in your prayers – as I will need them all and more.

until later

mal

God sends you messages all the time – it’s our choice to listen. One came my way the other day from an unexpected source.

I woke up today thinking of you. I just wanted you to know that even people who don’t really know you are still praying for you. Once all the family has gone home, and life tries to go back to “normal” that is when things become the toughest after losing someone. I’m sure your days are filled with such sadness that I cannot begin to understand. I had a thought I wanted to share with you. During your days, if you see something or hear something that is funny, remember to laugh. Brittany might just be up in heaven sending things her mom’s way to remind you of her. Let her see you laugh. Just imagine your mother filling her in on all the things you might have done or said as a young girl that you may have forgotten while going through Brittany’s teenage years. Imagine them comparing stories, laughing together and dancing. What a joyous occasion awaits you one day to reunite with them. 

I know God was working on this person’s heart to send this message – he knew I’d read my email – and possibly not be listening for his voice. He chose this way and it worked.

until later,

mal

 

Brittany is in heaven singing and dancing, her work here on earth done.

She touched so many people in ways we don’t know. Keep faithful to God’s Promise…we will join her in heaven singing and dancing. Rejoicing in God’s love for us in eternal life without pain and sorrow.

This is what sustains me in my grief. She got the ultimate healing from God. How thankful I am. I do miss her, but it helps to know she no longer suffers.

May God Bless Everyone!

until next time,

malissa

I’m so blessed to work with the best people in the world. They are my second family. They have rallied around me in my darkest hour and provided comfort to me. These days its hard to find a job period; but to have a job you love, get paid for it, work with great people – well – I know I am blessed.

In searching out thank you cards for people, I came across one that really spoke to me:

In this troubled world
it’s refreshing to find
someone who still
has the time to be kind,
someone who still
has the faith to believe
that the more you give,
the more you receive,
someone who’s ready
by thought, word or deed
to reach out a hand
in the hour of need.
– author Helen Steiner Rice

 

To all my friends and family – thank you!

Two weeks ago today and I still can’t believe it. My days are filled with fog and my thoughts random. I roam about not knowing what to do. All I know is I miss you so much! I walk past your room and I look as if I’ll see you there. The pain and sorrow is so consuming. I don’t think anyone can know just how deeply I hurt. Except for God. I know I wouldn’t be standing now, if it weren’t for the blessings of  Jesus and God’s comfort. But it still hurts.

mom

To My Daughter Brittany,

You were the light of my life, now you are gone.

I miss you so much, I can’t hardly bare it.

I’m not sure how I will go on, but I’ll try.

It’s not going to be easy, you were the reason I lived.

I am praying everyday to keep moving on.

I know you are watching over me.

I know you are at peace.

I am so happy for you.

But as for me,

my heart is broken and i am struggling to hold on.

love mom