Category: loss of child

Well I made it! Thanks to God and my friends!

I believe Wednesday was far worse than Thursday. I was so emotional on Wednesday, the day before her birthday, that I had spent it all by Thursday. I cried, wailed uncontrollably for so long that it’s as if the tears dried up and there was nothing left to do but move forward.

My co-workers have blessed me many times over with their continued compassion, support, friendship and love. I, in no way can express in the appropriate words how that has gotten me through the most darkest time in my life. With God and you guys – it has been possible for me to see hope in my future on days when I wondered if it was possible. THANK YOU and THANKS BE TO GOD!

I continue to struggle with some aspects of my loss – mostly in that I miss her. Her Voice. Her Laugh. Mostly Her Contagious Smile. God Blessed me so to be her mom for such a short time. I know he smiles at me in joy that I finally get the message he has sent me many times and I didn’t listen.

Well – I’m listening now.

To my dear friends and to those who may read this…GOD is waiting for you to listen too. Make sure you are listening to the messages from Heaven…The gift of eternal life in Heaven with GOD and to reunite with anyone who has gone before you is awaiting you. I personally can not wait until then. But for now, I must continue to work towards that goal and to try to take as many of you with me as possible.

Much love and peace

until next time,

Mal

I’m beginning to dread Thursday. Today I could barely make it through my work day without having a complete breakdown. I’m tired. I’m overwhelmed. I’m exhausted with grief. Yet I am still hopeful that things will be better. God’s word tells me this over and over. I have to believe it.

This is my reality.

Everywhere I look – I don’t see her,
Everywhere I go – I am not with her,
Everywhere I feel – I don’t feel her,
Everywhere for me without her is
no place I want to be.

When I come home, she’s not here.
When I leave in the morning,
The house is quiet all day, and when
I return, the house is the same as I left it.

No clothes laying around, no empty
food dishes on the table, no messes to
clean up. What would I give to have that back?

When I walk by her room, it is so quiet.
No music playing loudly, or her singing loudly.
No hour long showers with her singing at the
top of her lungs. What would I give to have that back?

The TV is quiet – no more “mom, can I watch
TV now” – no more “mom, can I tape this show”,
What would I give to have that back?

The emptiness of my house is extremely hard.
The emptiness of my heart is extremely difficult.
The emptiness of my life is hard to face.

As I pray to God to heal my heart and help me
to see my purpose – I pray for all mothers who
share my grief. This is the worst time in my life.

 

quietly grieving,

m

 

 

As I studied my bible this morning and going over an assignment from Joyce Meyer – I realized that I have a lot of work to do in this area.

Proverbs 18:21

The tongue can bring life or death – those who talk will reap the consequences.

If we speak life, choose life, live life, let our light shine to the glory of God – the consequences will be so enormously great, we will be unable to measure. However;

If we speak death, choose death, live like we are dead, keep our light from shining to the glory of God – the consequences will be so enormously painful, we will be unable to measure.

I choose life!

Brittany was with us for a purpose – to help us see the glory of God and his purpose for our lives. I know that – that was the hardest thing for me to learn. I now get it. Does that take away my grief – no, but it helps give me some peace and gets me through another day. Her job on earth was to help people know Jesus. She was an angel on earth given to us to help us know Him.

love malissa

The Lord is close to the broken-hearted, he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.                   –      Psalm 34:18

 

A thought that keeps me focused on my life now:

Trust God to bring about the justice in your life.

• Leave it up to God
• Take the high road
• Respond in love
• Turn it over to God

 

Hope you all had a “Thankful” Thanksgiving!

until later,

m

Wishing all my 360 friends and family a blessed Thanksgiving. Happy traveling to all and may God bless you and keep you.

malissa

Today I started out in a pretty good mood. Went to church – enjoyed being with my fellow sisters in Christ.

Then, I thought I’d try to shop a little for holiday gifts. All I could do was wander around and look at things – but not really look at things. Nothing appealed to me, not even things that I used to love looking at. I couldn’t even stay inside the Hallmark store. Too many reminders of what is not going to be. I saw the birthday card section and had to leave. I hear Nov. 30th all the time it seems on TV or Radio – I just can’t seem to get a hold of this grief. Maybe this will help you see a small part of how I have gotten this far….

They say firsts are the worst – I recall my mom’s firsts:

September 12 – her birthday

September 16 – her death day

Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and then the terribly painful Mother’s Day.

I was a new mother at the time, you see my mom died at the age of 48 (just 48) from breast cancer – I was 7 months pregnant with Brittany. I had to “buck up” and remember I had a baby to care for – guess where that grief went? Way back – about 5 years – then I finally had to deal with it.

Why so long? Well Britt was born with a hip problem, I had a post-op infection that required about a months worth of daily doctor visits. Mind you, all the while I was mourning the loss of my mom, a normal delivery and healthy child.

So you see, loss is not new to me – I know how to do it. I’m just tired of doing it.

until next time,

m

I cannot imagine getting though each and every day with the love and support of my friends. I read that support is invaluable in the healing process. Being able to share my pain and fears with you help me to next my grief to the next level. Please stay with me. I know it must be hard to know what to say or know what to do, but listening over a cup of coffee gives me a way to express how I feel and I need that to complete the process of healing.

I have been blessed with so many friends and each of you have your special areas that minister to what need I have at that time. I need you all.

A little scripture for you to ponder…

“He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us.” – 2 Corinthians 1:4 THE MESSAGE

 

Thank you so much for caring!

Praise God from whom ALL Blessings Flow!

until later

m

What do people do when they feel that there is no hope left. No matter how hard they have tried to see it feel. It is there. I’m feeling like I’m on the bottom of a very deep barrel with no rope.

my saddess

Saddess is all I know now that you are  gone.
It’s permiates my very soul;
it washes over me and saturates my mind
over and over and he knows he has won.

The devil is always near lurking for a moment,
a chance to grab you while you are weak,
snatches you up so fast you can’t have enough
time to cry out for help – you can even speak.

I have an overwhelming desire to end it all
The pain is too unbareable to continue
Don’t you know, I feel as a weight of 1000 lbs.
is laying on my chest and it’s getting very hard to move.

Death is knocking and my door, I don’t want it
but I need it. For I am dead inside already.

m

 

I’m really having a hard day. Feelings of emptiness overwhelm me at every corner. Everywhere I look I see evidence of her existence – yet now she is not here. I walk around my house just asking why and crying and then it abates. I get a small reprieve. Just when I think I can go somewhere or talk to someone – it floods back in only to paralize my body. Today is hard. What is 11-30 going to be like? I just can hardly bare the thought. I know somedays I can see hope – today not so much. I just want it all to end. I don’t want to be here anymore. I have no desire to keep walking. Today I’m so sad.

No cards today – first day since her death. Everyone is getting back to their lives. As it should be – everyone but me. My old life will be no more. I either have to discover my new life or choose to stop living this one. The holidays are creeping up on me. Just when I get to where I can breathe from her death – I have to endure her 18th birthday without her  – Thanksgiving doesn’t seem so appropriate to me now. So I’m just ignoring it.

No one gets this pain. I’m sorry I can’t express it – it is hard to call someone and tell them I can hardly breathe. I can’t bare the pain. I haven’t slept well in days. I just want to get off this merry go round and go on. How do I go thru this alone? I have no other chances at being a parent. She was my only. No grandkids. No graduations. No weddings. Just emptiness.

No one should have to endure this type of pain. NO ONE.

Some people think I have a purpose to show hope through my grief. I thought maybe that was so – yesterday. Today – I just don’t care.

 

 

 

I got the best card today from a student who my daughter went to school with. She is now attending college and felt moved to write me and tell me her feelings about Brittany.

Here it is in part:

…It’s impossible for me to imagine the extent of sorrow you have felt in Brittany’s passing…for me to understand the dark corners and distant dreams – like feeling that has crept into your life. But please know that you and your family are in my thoughts. …. And that Brittany’s memory will never die.

Brittany and I met through theatre.  I was struck right from the first time I met her about how friendly, accepting, an loving she was. Despite anyone else’s attitude towards a person, Brittany was very independent and would accept the person for who they truly were. This always impressed me a great deal.

I only wish I had known Brittany better in the years we shared together at school. And I’ll never forget how she would come up to me and hug me warmly whenever she saw me. It was so very sweet.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to tell you how much I appreciate her presence in my life. For me this is not goodbye, because I believe I will encounter her in the future…in memory, her impact on the world and one day when I pass on myself…

What a wonderful testimony to my daughter’s impact on this girl and many others with whom she came in contact with. We will never know the extent of how many lives she touched until we see her again in heaven.

Many blessings to you all. God continues to work on my heart and the healing that needs to be done. The road is long and I am ready for the journey.

I miss her so much! But she needs me to keep going and telling her story! This is my purpose, at least for now.

until next time,

malissa