Unimaginable Grief Unexpected Blessings

Hope in the midst of grief.

A video that was posted to my church’s website 6 months after her death. It was done to show how much her love of God shinned even through the toughest of times. And how I, even today, have carried that amazing love of God and strength to continue on.

Yes, it is difficult. Yes, at times I feel like I just want to die. Yes, I wish I could have her back again – right now. But as I said in the video then and still believe today that I know I will see her again and that is how I get through each and every minute of each and every day.

The love my daughter had for life despite being chronically ill most of her life still astounds me. I don’t know that I could have been that strong that young. But then again as I look back on my life. I too was a very strong young woman having endured many of life’s hard knocks.

But I am here today to tell you life does go on. Some days aren’t as pretty as others, and some days it seems as though I have taken a huge step backwards in my grief. But I know I have come far and I am still evolving into my “new normal”. The life God wants to me to have now.

Praying for guidance and for God to light my path because the dark days come and go. Knowing that He is with me has given me the lift I need each time to make it one more day. One day I will see my girl again and it will have all been worth it. All the pain, tears, sorrow and grief – will all be wiped away and there will be no more of it. God’s word assures me of that.

until next time

m

I am reposting this entry after having a heartfelt discussion with one of my brothers – this hits home about the importance of validation. At the end of the day – that’s all that really matters – knowing we are loved no matter what. That spending time with the ones you love and treasure validates their existence. It says “you matter to me”.

Validate human life by acknowledging one’s existence at that moment in time. – unknown

I’m not sure where I read this or heard this quote but today I wanted to speak to this issue of validation. It’s been in my mind a lot lately and I need to release this out there.

Susan Duke wrote about what memories mean to a grieving soul. I have read her book “Grieving Forward” so many times, I think there are some parts I know by heart. She speaks about how memories of our loved one are vital to the healing process. But guess what – memories are just that – memories. You can’t see them, feel them, touch them, hug them – you can only recall – it’s what you chose to do with that memory that’s important.

That’s where validation comes in. Validation is acknowledging that something or someone exists or existed. Validation that our loved one existed allows us to create some sense of “yes, I really did have that person in my life” – and even though they are gone, you are the person you have become because of having that person in your life.

Validation is a gift we give one another to acknowledge that we care. We may not know what to say or we may not know what to do; but we can come and walk along with our grieving friends and family. Being there and present speaks volumes to a grieving person. Until you have walked in a grieving person’s shoes you will never know just how much validating their loved one means to their healing.

Think of validation as your gift to them.

until next time,

m

As I look back at each poem I’ve written and each blog post I’ve posted; I am reminded that this journey is far from over – yet I have traveled a great distance.

The poetry from my heart allows my soul to bleed until the wound heals and love can bloom again. I find writing has been a means by which I can open up my heart and let it bleed out it’s pain. With each drop as it hits the page reflects the parts of my pain that permeates my soul.

My heart bleeds more this time of year, perhaps it’s because it is the holiday season or perhaps it is my season of grieving that will always come and go like the seasons. It always begins in September and ends in January. But there seems to be something a little different this year.

There seems to be a little more anger in my heart this year. This has been a year of finding my purpose – of figuring out why I am here. I seemed to be asking God a lot about why did He left me here when everything that mattered to me had been taken away. For what purpose could my existence make any sense.

Then I read Dr. John Terveen’s book “Hope for the Brokenhearted”. His words were my words. His thoughts were my thoughts. It was if I was walking on his path. I felt as if I had found a comrade in arms, a soldier of grief to stand by me, even if it was in book form.

He wrote about something that I find difficult to convey to others but necessary for others to know. He pointed out that after sustaining such a loss, like the loss of a child, going on with the normal affairs of life seem less interesting. The things that brought us joy no longer do. The color has been removed from our lives.

I have found that my life continues to be very “black and white” – very little color remains. Some days color comes back for brief moments. But soon the desire to recoil back into my cocoon of life returns and I am back living my black and white life. It’s just easier that way.

What Dr. Terveen speaks of is that Jesus’ return should be the hope that we hang onto and believe that it should challenge us to live again. The love again. To have faith and hope again that joy can return to our lives. This is how we honor our loved one’s memory.

“God leads people in different ways to embrace life anew, but those ways invariably will involve the demonstration of genuine faith, love and hope.” – Dr. Terveen

So as I struggle this holiday season, I have to focus on embracing life otherwise life will just become a fragmented poem with no meaning. A poem that cries but has no tears. A story that has a title but no content.

Until next time

m

I have been reading some of my previous posts from the past three years and this one stood out to me. I am astounded that I was able to see this with such clarity only after a few short months after Brittany died.

I believe it bears repeating….

Some thing’s to ponder….

Instead of asking why I can’t have something…ask – why do I have so much?

When God comes he will destroy the earth by fire…everything you have will be gone – even your 401K!

How can you use what you have to further the ministry of God?

The life you live today is an audition for your role in heaven!

in other words….

Those you touch today will be who receives you in heaven.

My question for you is:

Don’t you want to have millions of people at your reception party in heaven?

Think about that as you begin your week- how can you serve our God with the possessions you have been given. Who can you help today? Whose life can you make better or whose face can you put a smile on? These things are what we have been commanded to do in the name of our Father in heaven. These are the treasures you are storing up in heaven and will make your entry into heaven a glorious day indeed.

My daughter lived by this example everyday that I knew her…now how can I not smile knowing she has made God smile for her work done here on earth.

until next time,

m

So often I find myself looking back at my life and wondering how the heck did I get this far. In learning about grief recovery I have found on my own journey that it doesn’t pay to look back. I have to look forward.

By looking forward I mean I have to keep my eye on the future. The road my life is taking, not the road it has taken. When I keep myself focused on the now and the future, my life goes along pretty well. But when I let myself think back, look back I begin to want to go back. And I cannot.

Some days going back is all I want to do. I think that one day I will wake up and the bad dream of the past three years will be over and life will be as it was. I sit and cry out to God and ask “please can I just have a do over”? I just want my life back. The one where I knew how to be a mom, I knew how to be a nurse, I knew how to make decisions, I knew how to breathe – I knew how to live.

Now I struggle with knowing what to do, or what to say or how to live. Some days I struggle with finding the strength to breathe. But then I remember that God has a plan for me. That plan is unfolding before my eyes. I have to be in the present to realize it. Or it will pass me by and I’ll never see it. Or at least to the degree that God wants me to.

Being present means not looking back longingly at a life once lived. That doesn’t mean I can’t look back and remember the good times. It just means that keeping my eye on the future is how I am going to fulfill the plan God has for me. A plan that I know involves bringing some type of meaning to the huge loss in my life. The emptiness that resides in my heart – may one day be filled again.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. (Jeremiah 29:11-13)

I believe this scripture is one of many that have given me hope throughout these past three years. I have relied so often on my bible and the Word – but mostly on my quiet time with God when I tell Him how grateful I am that I have come this far. And that I am grateful for how far I have yet to go.

until next time

m

I was recently invited to write a story for More.com. I am so excited to share it with you and hope it brings you some joy and peace this holiday season.

until next time

m

Holidays and Grief – MORE Magazine.

Tomorrow would have been my daughter’s 21st birthday. This will be the fourth birthday I’ve had to endure remembering she is no longer here to celebrate them. Can I just say it isn’t any easier to swallow the pain and grief that rises up in my throat today than it was on her 18th birthday just one month after she died.

So I ask – when does it stop? When does the pain and grief that rise up in my throat stop? I push it back down again and again, yet it rises up and makes me sick to my stomach. I think her birthday is harder than any other date. Why, not sure, but perhaps it has something to do with how hard it was to have her in the first place.

I have written about that before, so I won’t go into it again. But it certainly could have some bearing on why this date causes me so much anguish. Then perhaps it might have something to do with the many years of dealing with her chronic illness and sometimes sub par healthcare that maybe, just maybe that sickening feeling I get in my throat is anger.

Anger towards her many caretakers. I’ll never know. But what I do know is that this has to stop. This pit in my stomach that comes every November 30th. I know it’s another one of those times when I have to find a way to make peace with it all.

Making peace and taking comfort enables me to move forward. Yet it is one of the hardest things to do as a griever. Taking comfort in what – the fact that she is no longer suffering. Well I’d challenge you on that because I’d ask why did she have to suffer at all. Why couldn’t she have been spared her illness like so many other kids. Why her? Why me?

Then someone said to me recently “why not her and why not me” – God doesn’t guarantee that we will lead a blessed life always – He doesn’t guarantee that life won’t have some bumps in the road. But He does guarantee that He is with us always. That He will comfort those who are mourning. That He will heal the broken-hearted.

That I know to be true.

until next time

m

Sometimes I feel like I am a human tug-of-war rope with moving forward on one end and moving backward on the other. This time of year this battle is stronger and harder to fight.

One minute I am smiling and enjoying my moment and then BOOM – I’m reeling in grief and can hardly breathe. Trying to explain that to people has always been difficult for me. It’s hard to explain how it feels to have your heart ripped out. To have your life completely turned upside down.

I wrote the below two years ago and it still holds true today:

Just a note about what I am going through – this may help you gain some perspective.

• My heart has been ripped away from my chest and will be scared forever by her absence.
• My reason for living is gone. Now I am left to find a new reason to live. Great.
• The loneliness of my life is extraordinarily hard to bare.

One day you are someone leading a life that you took for granted, then you are leading a life you never imagined would happen, nor do you want to participate in. But you must.

Grief is so hard. If you have never experienced this magnitude of loss, there are no rules. It takes you where it wishes, when it wishes and how ever long it wishes.

Now – my faith has kept me going. Without my faith I can guarantee you without any doubt that I would not be here now writing. I would have ended the pain that I continually endure.

I can’t imagine enduring this without God. Without my church family. Without my friends and family. Yet it is one of the loneliest journeys I’ve ever had to make. Although it has been 3 years – it feels like yesterday.

Scripture of Comfort! – This one sustains me daily:

until next time,

m