Validation

Validation is a gift we give one another to acknowledge that we care.

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I am reposting this entry after having a heartfelt discussion with one of my brothers – this hits home about the importance of validation. At the end of the day – that’s all that really matters – knowing we are loved no matter what. That spending time with the ones you love and treasure validates their existence. It says “you matter to me”.

Validate human life by acknowledging one’s existence at that moment in time. – unknown

I’m not sure where I read this or heard this quote but today I wanted to speak to this issue of validation. It’s been in my mind a lot lately and I need to release this out there.

Susan Duke wrote about what memories mean to a grieving soul. I have read her book “Grieving Forward” so many times, I think there are some parts I know by heart. She speaks about how memories of our loved one are vital to the healing process. But guess what – memories are just that – memories. You can’t see them, feel them, touch them, hug them – you can only recall – it’s what you chose to do with that memory that’s important.

That’s where validation comes in. Validation is acknowledging that something or someone exists or existed. Validation that our loved one existed allows us to create some sense of “yes, I really did have that person in my life” – and even though they are gone, you are the person you have become because of having that person in your life.

Validation is a gift we give one another to acknowledge that we care. We may not know what to say or we may not know what to do; but we can come and walk along with our grieving friends and family. Being there and present speaks volumes to a grieving person. Until you have walked in a grieving peron’s shoes you will never know just how much validating their loved one means to their healing.

Think of validation as your gift to them.

until next time,

mercedes

Bitter Sweet Memory

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Today I got to see my 10-year-old niece play softball. She is tall for her age and can swing a mean bat. But what is really cool is that she has improved so much over the past two years, so much so that she can actually hit and run.

Being with my extended family now that my daughter has passed has had some bitter sweet moments. Today was one of them. It seems as though whenever I go to one of these “family” events, something happens that reminds me of something Brittany did or said. They I find myself in an awkward moment saying “oh Brittany used to do that” or “Brittany used to say that” – then the moment passes and I feel like I just said something that really didn’t matter to anyone but me. I hate that.

I wonder if those memories will ever fade to the point that I don’t verbally discuss them in front of my family. Seems as though it’s a subject they’d like for me not to discuss. It’s so hard not to say something about her. She did exist you know. It’ not like I made her up. She lived, breathed, laughed, cried and loved me for 17 years and 11 months. I will not EVER deny her existence. No matter what.

So don’t expect me to. I will talk about her whenever I feel the need, because it helps keep her memory alive for me. And at the end of the day – that’s all that matters. If I didn’t have that – well I wouldn’t have made it this far.

So if you have  a family member who has lost a loved one, LET THEM TALK. Help them keep their loved one alive! It’s crucial to their healing process.

Until next time,

Mercedes

Avoiding the Inevitable

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It stopped raining – thank goodness!

I have been to Michaels several times over the past month and each time noticed “memorial flowers” that have been made up for people to place on their loved ones graves. Each time I walk by and look at them and then think maybe I should buy one for my mom’s grave.

You see I haven’t been to my mother’s grave since, oh, probably about 10 years. I remember taking my daughter their many years ago and I could barely get out of the car. My mom has been gone now for 20 years, but I just can’t get myself to go out there. I know she isn’t there, but it more than that, it’s a reminder that she is not here.

I think maybe I’ll try to go on Mother’s Day – my personal day from hell. I had my daughter cremated because her father and I are divorced and we didn’t want to bury her in Michigan where we lived at the time of her death. I’ve contemplated burying her remains, but haven’t been able to deal with that yet.

I’ve been praying for strength to get through this Mother’s Day with a different outcome. To maybe, just maybe be able to see something good from it. But right now, the hole in my heart is too big and too painful to think about celebrating a day that has been a reminder of what has gone wrong in my life.

I know I could see it from the positive side – and oh how I have heard many people say things that make me want to throw up. For example – “at least you had a mother” or “at least you were a mother” – come on people – where is your compassion. I sincerely hope you never have to lose your mother and then turn and lose your daughter. It’s the most gut wrenching thing I’ve ever had to deal with, and I’ve had a lot of crap in my life to deal with.

I’ll keep thinking about visiting her grave and I’ll get back to you on that.

until next time,

mercedes

Tuesday

Hold on

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It’s still raining….

I was reading my black book today (my random thoughts book).  When I hear something that strikes my fancy I write it down thinking someday I will have an opportunity to read it again. So here is what I think today…

Live Your Best Life – by Nancy Wood from Many Winters

Hold on to what is good even if it’s a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even it it’s a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it’s a long way from here…

Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.

Dedicated to the memory of my loving daughter Brittany. I’m holding on to your hand even though you have gone from me.

until next time

mercedes

Sunday

What it feels like to have Mother’s Day in my face.

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It’s raining today – AGAIN! Seems as though we’ve had our fair share of rain this month. I don’t know about you, but I’m quite tired of it all. I’m believing for some sunshine linked by several days of continued sunshine.

Now that my taxes are done, and oh did I owe, I’m getting back to finishing my book. I don’t have much left to do. But it does seem a bit disorganized and needs some polishing. Writing has never been one of my fortes but after much prodding by my peeps (friends who have read my blogs over the past two years) I have decided to pursue it.

Some days you just have to pull yourself up and push on. Even when it doesn’t feel good at all. But I’m a believing person and know God has not set me upon this earth do live a dull and meaningless life. Even considering the great loss of my only child.

The next few weeks you may find my writing here a bit dark. Mother’s Day is coming and it’s not usually a good time for me. Many of you know that I lost my mother when I was 7 months pregnant with Brittany. My mom was only 48 when she died from Breast Cancer. Five years later, my grandmother died of Congestive Heart Failure. Then losing my daughter nailed it shut my ever celebrating Mother’s Day again.

I don’t want to take away anyones love of Mother’s Day – but just know there are some of us out here that wish it would just go by and never breathe it’s breath of heartache over my life again. But it’s all around – you know – every store, every TV show and even in church. I go to church regularly because it’s how I get spiritually fed, however, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are not Sundays I attend church. I choose to stay out of the public on those days, not because I am a recluse, but because I’m tired of having those holidays shoved down my throat.

It’s a painful reminder of what I have lost or been without for so long. For my dear friends and family the magnitude of many losses have profoundly changed who I am as a person. I will forever be different and you will have to learn to be OK with it. I don’t like it much either but it is my reality.

I choose to do a lot of positive things to counteract my losses, but it doesn’t take them away. It doesn’t soften the blow, it doesn’t decrease my pain – it only creates noise in my life to take up the quiet that drives me crazy. When it’s too quiet – I weep.

More on that later.

until next time

mercedes

Unexpected Blessing

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Well – I’m feeling better. It’s been a long week of flu symptoms and it took a lot out of me, but I’m getting my groove back and hoping to enjoy a fabulous Saturday of warmer weather.

Today I had one of those unexpected blessings I talk about from time to time. As some of you know I have a Facebook account and have met some great people as well as reconnected with friends that I haven’t seen or talked in years. Today I got a chance to use Skype for the first time. I was able to talk with a dear friend I’ve only met via FB because of my church. It was 11:00pm there and we were chatting on FB when I asked if she had Skype and she said YES and I said I’d never tried it – so we did and we talked on-line via video for over an hour. Incredible. What a blessing this can be for so many other who miss their friends and family who live far away.

I encourage you to give it a try.

WWW.Skype.com

Check it out.

until next time,

Mercedes

Emotional Wailings

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I’ve been sick for the past few days with what appears to be the flu. I think the word flu is an umbrella term for the medical community to give license to say “we don’t know what the hell is wrong with you”. I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of having my square-shaped head pounded into a round-shaped hole. In other words – “medical treatment in a box” – if you have this and or this you must have that. NOT! I think I’m going to search out a naturalist for a physician. No one seems to get it that we are all different and we react differently to the environment.

I could write for days about this, but then I’d just be more pissed off and that will not lead to a positive outcome. So I’ll write about what I do know for sure…grief.

Easter has come and gone and it has left a mark on me that it has done on every Easter since the passing of my daughter Brittany in October of 2006. Easter has become a holiday for which has so much more depth for me than in the past. Maybe it’s because of my increasing faith in Jesus. Or maybe it’s because of my increasing faith period. But I do know that it is the hope of the resurrection that keeps me going in this otherwise, painful existence. The hope of seeing my baby again. The hope of seeing all those who have passed – so many to mention here. The cries of my family members who have gone before me ring in my ears somedays to the point that I beg for silence. The grief I have is far and wide. It has no boundries. It permeates my soul to its very core.

Because of Easter I can celebrate the resurrection. Because of Easter I can continue to live in the hope of seeing my baby again. This is why I am still alive.

Until next time,

mercedes

Mother’s Day is Coming – Blah!

But I can’t imagine living a life without hope. Can you?

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I am reposting this Mother’s Day note because this is the season of grief that I am in now….. Mother’s day to me has become the worst holiday of them all. It has become meaningless in the face of tragic loss and a fragmented life left in it’s wake. But once it passes – I will again see the beauty of life and all it has to offer….but until then I cry, I weep, I mourn and I do it without shame or without regret for it is my journey to healing…

 

When you lose your only child, and your mother, and your grandmother – Mother’s Day becomes a day you dread more than any other. Over the past three years since my daughter’s death, I have come to dread this day over her “angel” day, her birthday or any other holiday.

The one thing I know for sure is I am so very grateful it comes on the heels of Easter. It is because of the Resurrection of Jesus that I can continue to breathe and move forward without my baby. My hope is in the Lord and that I will see her again very soon. What a joyous occasion that will be.

I know that for some unbelievers this concept can be a stretch. But just let me say that I would rather believe in God and have his love and compassion keep me filled with love and hope than to not believe and feel my life had been wasted. My hope in the Resurrection rests firmly on my beliefs that Brittany is with God now and one day I will be reunited with her. That is how I get through each and every day.

Does that make going through the remainder of my days filled with emptiness any easier. Sometimes. But I can’t imagine living a life without hope. Can you?

Blessings

Mercedes

Broken Heart

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Today I am working on my daughter’s memorial dedication at her high school and I just began to sob at how I miss her so. Today I feel so broken-hearted. It’s a pain I cannot describe. But the best I can do is compare it to the feeling one might have when they are having a heart attack.

Two students from her high school interviewed me so they could prepare a story that will coincide with the dedication ceremony. The third question was the one that got me. I began sobbing on the phone and apologized to the students – they were very understanding. The question was what legacy did I feel I wanted the students at the school to know that Brittany left. That was a powerful question and it just took my breath away.

I will write about it next time.

My Dreams

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When I was a liittle girl I always believed I was destined to do something significant in the world. I remember in middle school and high school using a sketch book and drawing ball gowns. I was fascinated by ball gowns. Maybe that had something to do with my love of Cinderella.

But as life’s tragedies struck my family beginning at age 6 for me when my father left us, my mom and 6 children under the age of 7 to take care of our selves. In order to deal with my emotions I would draw and fantasize about what I would be when I grew up. But somehow I knew it was going to be something big.

But life has a way of turning a sharp left when you wanted to go right. If I were to sit down today and draw the path way my life has taken over the past 40 years – well I’m afraid it would look like a triange gone bad.

I’m a strong person, but strong people can only do so much. Without my faith in God, I’m certain I wouldn’t have made it this far. Today, I have been reminded again that just when I think I’m in the clear and things are looking up, I am shocked back into my reality that life just hasn’t nor will it ever be easy.

Those of you who have it easy – consider yourself very lucky. For some reason I have been chosen to go through bad times over and over and over again. I always come out a better person, but it certainly has taken it’s toll on this body.

I am looking forward to the day when God calls me home and I can no longer deal with the cruel people of this world.

m