Unimaginable Grief Unexpected Blessings

A woman began talking about her experience with her son and his passing. From the original delivery of her son to age 12 when he stopped breathing. Their trip to ER via ambulance – ER and his final minutes. Having to stop CPR and watch him die.

Well – I had to leave at the end, because I became overwhelmed with grief that this mother and father had to endure what I know and feel to be the worst thing that could possibly happen to a parent. The early death of a child. It brought back a lot of bad flashes of memory of the CPR and the nurse performing it, while the doctors and others reviewing the information and telling us “her heart won’t be able to take much more”. The most devastating thing I’ve ever heard. Right up there with “your daughter is having seizure activity 70% of her awake time”.

It’s an ugly place to go if I let my mind. I refuse most days to go there, but sometimes I can’t help it. It’s in my face. It’s hard to believe that it’s been almost 6 months.

I prayed a lot today for peace and grace to make it through the day. I did.

until next time,

until next time,

She reminded me this morning on her tv show “Everyday Life” with Joyce Meyer that even though I have been through the worst thing in my life, God will pull me through it and he has a wonderful plan for the rest of my life. I just have to open up and receive it.

So here I am God…..

I’m ready

Bring it on!

until next time,

It’s like a shroud or cloak of grief that washes over you to the point you can not stop it. Then you have to let it go. It envelopes you and takes you to the depths of your existence. That’s the bottom. Where you think I can’t keep going anymore, that it’s just not worth all the pain and loneliness you live with everyday. But you do.

But how long…..

No words can explain how deeply grieved I am today. But I am at one of my most lowest points and no one knows. God knows. I’m sure he’ll be working on me. The physical comfort of having arms holding me and comforting me is not available. Unless you know what I am feeling – I know it must be hard to understand or feel helpful. It’s hard for me to let this out in front of people who haven’t experienced a loss like this. So it goes both ways.

It’s a trust to be able to be moved down to your very soul – letting all the anguish and pain show – knowing you will be protected by the one who listens. Only special people have this gift.

I took Grace to Brittany’s picture and introduced her. Then I couldn’t stand any more – so overwhelmed over my loss. I put Grace down and sat on the couch and began to whale like I can do – you see it’s been a while since I have done that. It’s a deep painful cry that comes from some other part of my heart that I don’t let out enough. There is nothing like the mournful cry of a mother. It’s because the pain is as if your heart was ripped out without warning. You know it will never be healed again. Never.

One minute I am happy and having a fun time, and then smack, I am thinking of something and I just get so overwhelmingly blue. I cried my self to sleep last night. Because I miss her so much and I have no one to even come close to sharing that type of affection to or with. Human nature needs that closeness. But I wonder too if I had it would it be enough to sustain me.

I know God gives me enough peace to breathe, but it not enough to feel physical relief. Now I must go on knowing someday I’ll have that again.

I’ve come to realize that I stay so busy in order to not feel the pain. It works for the most part. Not always, but it’s beginning to fail me now. It’s clear to me I have to work on my faith that God will take all my pain and sorrow and provide comfort in every area. I’m still working on that. I haven’t gotten there and I know I will – keep praying for me.

As I begin my new chapter in this life of mine, I pray for guidance to make the right choices, peace to sustain me while I live without my daughter, hope that I will see her again soon.

until next time,

Isn’t that like a “conflict of interest”?

Some times the grief hangs out lurking for opportune moments to reach out an smack me down!

I sit here looking out a beautiful picture window at a very peaceful landscape and I’m reminded – she has been here with me before. She should be here now. She should be having the time of her life here. She should be hanging with Carolyn and Courtney and ANDY! She should be getting ready for Prom like all her friends. She should be getting ready for college. She should be!

But she is not!

Tell me – how do you make sense out of it. And move forward.

If I look at it from a human perspective – it makes no sense! Not in any way!

But from a spiritual side – it makes absolute sense! She is healed and having the time of her life in heaven with God.

That’s my hope!

It’s my hope you will never have to experience this type of grief. But you may. And if you do, I can tell you that it gets better, the pain, but it never stops. You just get used to it. Sorta.

This I do know for sure.

When I try and go it alone, I fall hard. But if I stay in God’s word and keep my focus on him, I fall softer. I get a sense of peace at times – mostly when I need it most.

until next time,

I’m very excited about this next step in my life. It is also a tough time, because it means I’m moving forward from a very sad time in my life and I want to make it very clear to everyone – my daughter was by far the best thing I’ve ever done in my life and I don’t see how I could ever achieve anything else greater.

God has given me this opportunity to serve out the remainder of my life doing what he originally intended my life to be. I am not sure exactly what that is yet, but I do know it begins with reconnecting with my family. I need that and they need that.

My dear friends here know that I’ll always be eternally grateful for their generosity, kindness and loving friendship. I’ve never had such great friends as I’ve had here in GR. What a great send off – so touched by everyone coming and sharing food and conversation. Your gifts were so thoughtful, but most of all your time and friendship is what I’ll truly treasure always.

This is not goodbye, but it’s I’ll see ya in a while!

until next time,