Author: Grief Blessings

Trying to discover why I'm here and where I'm going. Finding out that today is all we have - tomorrow is not guaranteed. So live like today

What Christmas Means to Me

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Originally written December 25, 2009

Today I chose to write about what Christmas means to me today in comparison to what it meant to me as a little girl many years ago.

I remember many Christmas as a young girl, that gifts under the tree were sparse. My mom was single mother of six children. She worked many jobs just to keep us together as a family. She never took money from sources, other than family, she was a proud mother. She did what she could to provide for us and most importantly to keep us from being separated.

There were times when the state threatened to separate us because we had no money for food and moved a lot. We lived in downtown Indianapolis until I was in about 4th grade. There is so much more about this story, but I’ll save this for another day.

The one thing I do want to say is that Christmas to me growing up was about family and about being together. It wasn’t so much about the gifts. Now my grandmother she always made sure we had gifts under tree, especially when mom couldn’t. Christmases at my grandmothers and great-grandmother’s houses were – well they were just amazing

When I say family I mean extended family. Every Thanksgiving and Christmas family would come from all over to gather at the Wisehart house for holiday dinner and fellowship. Aunts and uncles, cousins (1st, 2nd and 3rd), grandparents and great grandparents, moms and dads (well except my dad).

We would sit around and eat so much food until we were about to burst. My great grandmother’s Butterscotch Pie was to die for. No one to this date has ever been able to make it the same way she did. I miss those days so much.

Then there was the Christmas’s during my 18 year marriage and life with my sweet Brittany. It was my new tradition. Yes, we did visit my great grandmother’s until those events stopped. Eventually it became too much for her. And after my mom died our family virtually fell apart. So we all had to create our own traditions.

So for 18 years Christmas meant getting up and watching Brittany open up her gifts and jumping for joy. When we were with her father’s family we would hear the Christmas Story from the book of Matthew in the New Testament. You see it was very important to us that Brittany new and understood the true meaning of Christmas. That it wasn’t always about the gifts – however it sure was a lot of fun.

Now I find Christmas to be one of the loneliest days of my life. The people in my life that created all those memories are gone. First my great-grandfather, then my mother, my grandmother, my grandfather, my great-grandmother and most recently my daughter. Just thinking about it makes me cry out in anguish. But then I remember….

The real meaning of Christmas. I would encourage you to read the Book of Matthew in the New Testament. It talks about the wonder of Jesus’ birth – the real reason we celebrate Christmas – it talks about his life – it provides us the way to live our lives – it speaks of His death and His resurrection.

His resurrection is the reason I keep believing that there is a reason I am here and why I keep moving forward one day at a time. Because the resurrection assures me that I will see the family that has gone on before me. The family that helped to create my Christmas memories early in my life and late in my life; I miss them so much – especially my dear sweet Brittany.

Christmas is a day to celebrate the birth of Jesus – to remember that God so loved the world that He gave His only son – Jesus.

“Look! The virgin will conceive a child! She will give birth to a son and they will call Him Immanuel which means God is with us.” – Matthew 1:23 (NLT edition)

Merry Christmas my friends because even in the midst of our grief there is hope.

Until next time

M

God Has My Back

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So many of you know who follow me that my writing is pure and straight from my heart. I don’t hold back and I keep it real. I also want to make sure that my readers understand something that was significant in my healing journey over the past eight years since my daughter’s passing and that is there is a choice in how we grieve. It may not feel like it when you are in the throes of the moment, and I know that because I was there. I felt alone in my grief. I did not think anyone else could possibly understand the pain that took up permanent residence in my heart. I was wrong. I found out that there are other moms who have suffered this loss and the feelings they had were the same that I had. I found great comfort in the company of those moms and they gave me a way to see through the fog of grief.

So many people have come into my life since that tragic day who have lifted me up in prayer, sat beside me while I wailed, prayed with me when I sat on the floor wanting only to die and have stayed with me all this time. Then there were the authors of a few books that helped me understand my feelings and that journaling was crucial to move the pressure of the pain on my heart to a place where I could return one day and know that I have changed.

God has made it very clear to me that my journey has to be public and that my purpose is to pay if forward. Which leads me to the post I saw earlier on Facebook. Through the permission of my friend Rob, I have included it below:

That thing where you’re thinking on those who have suffered REAL, TRAGIC losses, when the thought gets into the depths of your soul, lodged in your bones and you think to yourself “I can’t even imagine…” the level of sorrow that it must have brought. How did she go on? These are the moments when I realize that despite it all, my road hasn’t been nearly as overwhelming as the self-pity demons (at the various times in my life when I give them a foothold) would like for me to imagine. In comparison, and when it’s really meditated on, the strength that you can see in her, that you can see the unspeakable JOY and PEACE, in spite of the tears, of a woman that’s been stripped bare, with gaping wounds and, instead of self-medicating or running from the pain, has leaned into God with her entire being. It makes you see what power the Lord brings, the resolve, the fortitude, the beauty for ashes, the flat out refusal to give into despair when it would be forgiven… This is not nothing. This is totally something. This is above nature. This is the thing that cannot be denied, or looked over, or be anything else in all of Creation. This is the work of God, this is the power of Jesus Christ. ‪#‎awestruck‬
‪#‎Hiswaysarehigherthanours‬ – Rob Bowers

Powerful right? God took me back to his post numerous times and not sure why until this morning. What Rob wrote is about could have been about me or any of you. Each time God took me back to Rob’s post I felt compelled to write about this as it would relate to my story. So over the next few posts I will be breaking this down because the loss daughter was not my first loss. I’ve had many. While I don’t truly want to share intimate details I do feel compelled that to understand the gravity of what has happened to me and how I have survived it all – it’s important. It’s important to show that while life can knock you down over and over and over again, you still have a choice to get up and fight back. To make a difference. To use that pain in a positive way to help others.

So stay tuned…..

 

Until next time

M

 

#GodHasMyBack #grief #Loss #pain

Another Birthday Passes

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It has been just eight short years since my daughter passed away and tomorrow would have been her 26th birthday. It is the ninth birthday I have had to endure this lump in my throat that comes on the eve of November 30th and stays until I choose to release it.

Her angel date is always difficult, but it’s her birthday that I find extraordinarily difficult to think about. Birthdays represent life, birth a promise of a future to come. One filled of years and years of joy and yes, even some sorrows.

I fought so many years to have her. Suffered from many painful and expensive infertility tests and finally she was born. Even that wasn’t without difficulty. Last minute c-section and a dislocated hip but it was the most joyous moment of my life.

Throughout her life I had to hold on tightly to her as she had suffered from different illnesses from having a bout of encephalitis at 11 months. But mostly we just survived life the best we could. But there was always this nagging feeling that something wasn’t quite right.

In looking back the many years of fighting for her rights, her healthcare and her life – it seems as though life was always a battle. But there were also so many moments filled with joy and happiness. Laughter came easily to her despite her many setbacks over the years. She faced life like no one I’ve ever seen.

Perhaps that is why her birthday is the hardest day for me to live through. Each and every one represents a loss so profound in my life because I fought so very hard to have her, keep her and care for her. Every fiber of my being went to be her mother. Her caretaker and she – she was my everything.

As the tears stream down my face, I can’t help but also laugh because she made me laugh. She made me proud to be her mother. She made me a better person. And although this day will be hard. I know she lives on in our hearts and minds. And I will see her again soon.

In the meantime I will continue to honor her life by doing the things I know she loved – loving people.

until next time

m

Fears

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So I saw a post by Tyler Perry today giving kudos to his fans for allowing him to be successful which allowed him to take care of his mother. He went on to say:

“When you look at your kids, just remember the child that you delivered may one day have to deliver you.” – Tyler Perry

It hit me like a rock. I found myself mourning what was most precious to me – my only child. I said to myself “who will take care of me”? I felt such anguish when I began to think about the gravity of my loss and what it has meant and the impact it has had on my future. All the dreams shattered and the life I had imagined robbed from me. So how else should I feel? It leaves me unsure about the future. A future I have to re-dream, re-imagine and feel like it matters.

I know unless you’ve suffered a loss like the loss of child, an only child, you might understand what I’m saying. I’ve written about this many times before, but no other time has it hit me with such power. Like a punch to the gut. I have to put my faith in someone else other than my daughter, my flesh in blood to be there for me when I’m too old to care for myself. It’s something I have to try very hard to turn off because it is just so scary for me to even think about.

I have been rewriting my life for a long time now. As a young girl, the life I envisioned I’d have did not turn out that way. Then when I finally had my daughter, and even that wasn’t easy, the life I envisioned – well it did not go as I had dreamed. From the moment my daughter was born, she had medical issues. For what would be 17-1/2 years, we dealt with constant medical issues and some of them life-threatening. So the life I had envisioned having children and seeing them off to college, get married and have children – all gone. So now what……

I still feel like I’m rewriting my life one day at a time. That is all I can do. My faith in a well-planned life went out the door the moment my daughter was diagnosed with Epilepsy and Crohn’s Disease. My faith in life at all went out the door the moment she took her last breath. My life now is in a rebuilding stage and it’s all I can do to take one step at a time and I do it with the utmost caution. Not quite going all the way for fear it will be ripped from me. Can you blame me?

 

Until next time,

MWhen you look at your kids, just remember the child that you delivered may one day have to deliver you.When you look at your kids, just remember the child that you delivered may one day have to deliver you.When you look at your kids, just remember the child that you delivered may one day have to deliver you.

A Time to be Grateful

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Monon in Carmel

“The single greatest thing you can do to change your life today would be to start being grateful for what you have right now. And the more grateful you are, the more you get.” – Oprah

As I sit here reflecting on Oprah’s quote I can’t help but think back over the past eight years and see the many blessings that have come my way since my daughter’s death. I believe a person needs to have great faith to see that and to believe that life can still have meaning after such loss. But also understanding that it will be different. Never the same.

I’m a fighter and I have always gotten back up and dusted myself off and took another step in faith that God has my back. He has up till now and I have every bit of faith that He will for the rest of my days. The problem is always me. I get in the way of my own recovery, my own journey because of my human nature to disbelieve.

Life has handed me more hurts and sorrows and at times I’ve often wondered how life could have any meaning left for me. It would be so easy for me to give up, to stop believing, to stop living.

But my faith is so much stronger than my disbelief.

And that my friends is where it begins and ends. So today I am thankful for my faith, for it has carried me this far. My Thanksgiving prayer for you all that is that you can find gratitude in the little things. It is the little things in life that rebuild faith, strength, foundational love and happiness.

Happy Thanksgiving

until next time

M

Language of Grief

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Language of Grief

Fellowship of suffering has been described as a combination of those who have suffered and those that are suffering. Recently Andy Stanley spoke about this during a message called Comfort Zone. In fact, I wrote about this in a previous post called “Cloud of Witnesses”. I have found this to be true from the moment I met my first mom who had lost their child. There is an undeniable bond that happens and I think it is because we understand the language of grief. We understand the pain, not their pain, but the pain loss brings when you hold your child while they cross over. Collapsing over their bodies and praying to God, screaming out to God because the pain and anguish of that moment is so horrific. It still brings tears to my eyes each time I revisit that moment October 13, 2006 at 6:55 am.

Comfort from those who’ve been comforted is life-giving to those who need comfort. – Andy Stanley

So that quote really spoke to me because it took me back to those early days and weeks after Brit died and had it not been for those who came and sat with me, sometimes not saying a word, but spent life-saving time with me – saved my life. Sharing the same space in time, no demands, and no expectations – just sitting side-by-side meant more to me than I could ever put into words. I was blessed beyond measure for those who did not give up on me. Their comforting made me feel like someone cared.

That being said now that I consider myself a seasoned griever, I have experienced life-giving purpose in writing this blog, in hearing from my followers, meeting moms in person and lastly praying for those who I do not know, but understand the journey they are forced to live out.

I don’t believe I have the answers, nor do I claim to be an expert in offering advice, but what I do know is that grief and I know each other well. It has visited me on many occasions and for a variety of reasons. God has worked in me to allow my pain to be a voice for others and I take that role very seriously.

I don’t want to sugar coat anything here on this blog. It is not my intention to give the impression that the death of my daughter was any easier because of my faith. It was not. It takes a mountain of faith to get through loss. My faith has been questioned, shaken and put to the test, but I have not lost my faith, in fact my faith has grown exponentially in spite of my losses.

Finding purpose to honor my daughter’s memory and to help me heal by helping others has been crucial to my healing. It will always be a work in progress. Eight years since the death of my daughter is different than it was at one year or two years and so on. Each year it changes it evolves into a mature grief. I still cry, sob and yearn for my daughter. I still question why. I still find tears well up in my eyes when I spend a moment thinking of my Brit. The pain is still relevant in my life. My faith has been tested, but not broken. I rely on my faith in God to help me find the purpose in all of this mess.

He comforts us in all of our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled,
we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. – 2 Corinthians 1:4

So on the days when I feel I can’t make it another minute, I remember the advice I got from someone many years ago in the early years of my grief. “Close your eyes and imagine you can crawl up into the lap of Jesus and allow Him to comfort you”. While that seems a little odd, it works. Spending time with God in prayer or in the fellowship of church – has been the very nourishment and comfort that has helped me get to this moment.

Our capacity to comfort is determined by the degree of which we have suffered. – Andy Stanley

I encourage you to watch the video link below from Andy Stanley. I get something new from it each time I watch. He also mentions my story and says my daughter’s name which I found touching. The whole series is also listed below.

 

http://northpoint.org/messages/in-the-meantime/comfort-zone/

MeantimeSeries.org

Until next time,

M

Holidays and Grief

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Holidays have always been a torturous time for us grievers. A time of happiness and family get-togethers becomes a time of sadness, loneliness and feelings of despair for the griever.  There is also an added amount of pressure from well-meaning family and friends to “be happy” or it’s time to “move on” during this time of year.

This is the time of year that grievers often take to keeping to themselves. Not being too social. Almost to the point of being recluse. That happens in part because one it’s easier than dealing with the “well-meaning” family and friends who think they are helping and two because showing your pain and grief somehow makes it more real. It becomes your private friend. The one you don’t want to introduce anymore to anyone.

It’s hard to for a griever to imagine that their broken heart can mend or that love will ever feel the same again. But love doesn’t end when your loved one dies. The love left in your heart is still there. It’s the emptiness, the void left from their absence that makes your heart hurt. But the love – always will it be there to hold your heart together.

On one hand the holiday season brings beautiful decorations and lights. Wonder singing and praises to our God and then there are the lonely moments when the pain of your loss overwhelms you and all those sweet memories that you hold so dear to your heart remind you that your loved one is not there again to enjoy the holidays with you. And despite the good intentions of others, no one can take away the hurt you feel. All we can do is find ways to cope with the holidays.

Healing through the holidays can happen, but only if you allow yourself to experience the season. Feel the goodness of the season. See the beauty of the season. For Christians it is Jesus’ birth that we truly celebrate. All the other “holiday stuff” is just that – stuff. If you get your mind on the true meaning of why we celebrate Christmas – you can truly move beyond the pain of the holidays.

Don’t be afraid to talk about how you feel or to express your feelings of grief. Pain doesn’t go away on its own. It must be given a voice, whether it be vocal or written expression. I’ve always been a big fan of journaling as I can honestly say it has allowed me the vision to see my journey laid out on paper to see the progression from early grief to the grief I have today, three years later.

When you are experiencing an increase in grieving, it can make you more tired, physically and mentally. So take the time you need to slow down and get the rest you deserve. Don’t try to keep up with everyone else. Learn to say no when you need a break. But also say yes when you need to have someone around to talk with.

My biggest lesson that I’ve struggled with from the get go has been learning to say no. Stretching myself beyond my limits. I do it because it keeps me busy and then when I’m busy I don’t think about how painful I feel. It’s a cover up. It actually can increase your grief because it is increasing your stress. Stress on the body lowers your ability to cope.

Surround yourself with people who understand that the holidays can be difficult for you. That holidays increase your awareness and sense of loss – so much so – that you may avoid holiday activities. Spending time with people who understand and that allow you to talk openly about your feelings is one of the most important gifts a family member or friend can give a griever at the holidays.

I know personally for me it’s hard to find people who want to hear my story or to hear about Brittany. But it’s crucial to the healing process to include them, the memories of them in the conversations without having someone roll their eyes at you or change the subject all because it’s too uncomfortable for the. It’s not their loss – it’s not their pain – it’s not their life. It’s your life, your pain, your loss and it has to be acknowledged for as long as you need.

A plan for anticipated moments where you may feel overwhelmed by a thought or memory should be in place so if it does happen you can leave the room or take a break without feeling embarrassed.

The most important part – is our memories of our loved ones are legacies that exist. They are a part of who we are and apart of who they were in our lives. Holidays make us remember these times more than any other time of the year. Go with it. Let it come. Journal it. Embrace it. Don’t ignore it. I have found over the past 3 years that the memories now bring smiles more than tears. But the tears still do come. Your memories are the love you had with that person and will forever remain in your heart. No one – No one can take that from you.

Create new memories by spending time with people. Try not to isolate yourself thinking you can avoid the holiday season. You can’t and it’s truly not good for you. I try to spend time with friends, family and other people to create a new definition of holiday for me. But with that in mind, these people I spend time with know my story and know that my story is what makes me who I am today.

Most of all love yourself during the holidays. Express yourself by giving and receiving love from others and from God. Surround yourself with loving people and you’ll see that your journey through the holidays will take on a new and different light. But always with a distant glow that remains in your heart from the love and joy that came from having loved someone so much.

Until next time

M

Loving after Loss

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I know this topic is a tough one for many, including myself but recently I watched an interview where someone had lost their brother and father and now found themselves struggling to find love. It struck me during that interview that wanting to love again may be the hardest hurdle of all. When there has been multiple losses, the desire to get back into any relationship fully seems daunting. I struggle with it today. I have a wall up as if to protect myself from loss. So in saying that I understand that will or can keep me from experiencing love fully. But it also protects me against feeling or experiencing loss fully. I get it that it may not make sense, but it is where my head is and my heart.

I don’t expect people to understand this, because really how could they. Unless the floor has opened up and taken those most dear to you, how can you know? It’s simple – you cannot. My faith in people doing the right thing has truly been altered – fractured since the passing of my daughter. So many people were trusted and so many failed. It’s taken me eight years to realize that it will take the rest of my days to heal from not only the loss of my daughter, mother, grandmother and so on, but to forgive those who failed my daughter and who failed me after her death. My heart was severely broken into many pieces and it will be an on-going process to seal up the wounds.

So today, I love but at a distance. The challenge is for those in my life today, to be patient and understand or try to understand that my heart hurts each day as I live on beyond loss. Love for me is different now. All I can do is promise I will try.

 

Until next time,

M

Grief Speaks

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Thinking someone needs to read this tonight.

Grief Blessings's avatarUnimaginable Grief Unexpected Blessings

As I continue my journey of healing, I have come to know the many voices grief speaks. First it doesn’t have a voice. It first presents itself as a lump in your throat. I remember thinking I must be getting a cold or food was getting stuck in my throat, when really it was my pain that was getting stuck. The grief couldn’t get out, wasn’t being heard, stuffed out, stuffed back.

Now, after over 2 years, it’s been heard, felt, ignored but it’s still there, just not so “vocal” these days. It’s more like a whisper that I hear when I see something or someone that looks like my daughter, or mom. And quietly my grief speaks to me trying to remind me that I have grief in my soul. My soul has to be heard. It has to have a voice.

The one thing I know is grief…

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Another year passes….

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I sit here at the end of a very long day. The eight year anniversary of the passing of my daughter Brittany and I am astounded by the still gut-wrenching pain that fills my heart. I guess I should not be surprised as I have come to understand that one never gets over the loss of a child. We just learn to live with the pain. I don’t let many see this deep wound because why would anyone want to share this pain? Of course I share my writing with you all through this blog; and my close friends and family hear me speak of my hurt, but truly no one gets to see it all. No one but God.

I share with God what I will not and cannot share with anyone else. The questions of why; the constant pursuit of God to help me understand why me? This is not my first go around with loss as you all may know; so I have had some very “real” conversations with God about the “why” of it all. I still don’t have the answers, but I have gotten some feedback over the years (if that is what you wish to call it). Feedback that comes from various sources, such as reading scripture, messages from a variety of speakers or written word or sometimes from a faint image or vision that can only be rationalized as a divine intervention. A song on the radio that stops me in my tracks as the words speak so eloquently to me what I yearn to hear. What I know is this… all of that… I could not have heard or felt if I hadn’t cleared my head and slowed down to pay attention. But it always seems to arrive at just the right time.

The pain and anguish is still very real to me but less raw. I have matured with my grief. I have come to realize it will be with me always. It is what I choose to do with it that will make all the difference. So today the beach seemed to be a fitting place to take my pain and sorrow to soothe it with a celebration of what I know she would have loved. A perfect sunset watching the waves crashing in and out over her handwritten name. Slowly with each passing over, her name began to fade and the flowers washed out to sea. She would have loved that.

The pain of my loss will be with me forever. Each year it is my hope to find a way to celebrate her life so that it brings joy not pain. It’s a process, I did not get here over night. Some days it’s all I can do to put one foot in front of the other, but that is how you get from there to here – one step at a time.

Until next time,

M