Author: Grief Blessings

Trying to discover why I'm here and where I'm going. Finding out that today is all we have - tomorrow is not guaranteed. So live like today

Nothing New

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Haven’t written any thing lately. Not much has changed and I don’t have much to say. The grief is still present and it hurts just as much. But I know everyone is tired of hearing about it. Frankly I’m tired of thinking about it. It’s my fate to be here in this time and to live on despite my grief. I have to learn to live with it in my way. It’s too painful to think about let a lone talk about.

When people ask me “do you have any children” I just nod and say yes. I was saying “I did, but she passed on” – well they just get embarrased and I politely change the subject. It’s easier to just say yes and change the subject. I never knew how painful a question could be – yet it is so innocent. People just want to know you.

I believe I’m becoming more hardened and most likely will not let love back in my life again. Loss has been a major part of my life and I’m tired of experiencing it.

I have decided to close down my blog in the next week or so. I know everyone has moved on. And they are ready for me to move on.

I’ll just pretend.

until next time,

mercedes

Nice Compliment

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Well as I anticipated the graduation ceremony was difficult, but it was a nice compliment to my daughter. I was grateful for the words one of her classmates read. I hope it reminded the graduates of the importance of acceptance. Brittany was truly a class act and I hope her classmates will not forget the words spoken that day or those similar words at her celebration of life. I am reminded daily of the joy she brought and the desire to make others happy. That’s all she truly wanted in life. Very simple, but not many young people get it.

until next time,

mercedes

Tomorrow Will Be Tough

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Tomorrow is my daughter’s graduation ceremony from high school. I was just informed that the VP wants to present us with an honorary diploma. I am planning to attend, but that will be tough. I’m not sure I got enough nerve to accept it. I know just attending will be more than I can bare. But for her I need to do it. I was asked why I would want to go and I said that here at my hometown, no one’s life has been impacted by her passing, but for her friends, her teacher, her classmates, and those who knew her – it’s one last time to honor her and to remember her. It makes me feel better to know that others have not forgotten her. It feels that way here in Indy.

Keep me in your prayers as I journey through this event with as much grace as I can. I’m praying for monumental grace and peace!

until next time,

malissa

Fighting a Bad Cold

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Happy Thursday!

I ‘ve been battling a cold now for a few days. It’s basically kicking my butt. I’m hoping it’s gone by the weekend.

Went to the Indy Qualifications at Speedway last weekend. Haven’t done that in a long while. My friend Julie came down to spend time with me. You know, Mother’s Day weekend and all. I was glad she came, even though I had tried to talk her out of coming. Having her here did keep my mind off of missing my girl, but as usual, it creeps back in and takes a hold of me like nothing ever has.

Then I get an email from a family member that her daughter hasn’t come home. She says that she was feeling bad about things and on Mother’s Day was feeling down, and then she remembered me. Thinking how bad I must be feeling. I told her that I think what she is going through is far worse. I know without a doubt my daughter is safe and healthy in God’s arms. I wouldn’t want to be worried about where she was or who she was with. I can’t imagine having that worry. I did with Brit, but now I don’t. In all of my grief, I have to hold onto the positives – however they come.

In my grief, I do find comfort when I think of how she is doing or what she is experiencing. Then if I begin to think about me and how her absence is effecting me, then I get truly sad and don’t want to continue on. Don’t see the reason to. So that is why I choose to keep my thoughts on other things, but sometimes, I just don’t get a choice.

Keep praying for me, as I continue to battle finding my purpose!

Pray for my family too!

until next time,

mercedes

Motherhood in Grief

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Where has my girl gone?

For once she was in her room,

laughing on the phone, and

now she is gone.

Where has my girl gone?

For once she was dancing and singing,

loving and laughing at me,

now she is gone.

Where has my girl gone?

For she once needed me,

to fix her hair, pick out her clothes

Show her the way, now she is gone.

Where has my girl gone?

The one that I cared for

24-7, 365 days, 17-3/4 years.

The one who cared so much,

for others, but got so little in return.

Now she is gone.

Where has my girl gone?

Who showed us how to love,

unconditional without barriers.

Who wished to be normal, like

her friends, to be loved.

Now she is gone.

Where has my girl gone?

You see my friends,

she is in the arms of God,

Where she needs to be, she

deserves to be, where she

no longer is subject to the

cruelties of this world.

It is a blessing on this Mother’s Day that I can smile and know she is in the presence of our God who is now her protector, her guide, her love, her life, her everything. She is celebrating her life with and before God and as her mom – I’m happy and satisfied she is safe.

As a mother, what more could you want for your child. It’s the ultimate wish! Everything else is selfish!

God Bless All of You Who Are Mothers!

It’s the greatest job and the hardest to give away!

I cast mine on the Lord and I can’t wait to see her again!

until next time,

mercedes

Entry for May 05, 2007

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Here’s what’s going on…..

I’ve been struggling a lot this week. More than usual. But I also injured my shoulder and it’s extremely painful. More than I let on.


The senior class has requested to honor Brit at graduation with a reading and a moment of silence. They also want to donate something to the school in her name. I have been trying to decide whether to attend or not. I think I’ll need some major sedatives to keep from totally breaking down. I probably won’t decide until the last minute. I might just sneak in at the back and keep quiet in the shadows.


It’s so easy to want to disappear and try not to think of the pain of loss. When you spend any time focusing on the loss – it’s too consuming and it sucks the life out of you. That’s when you begin to think it’s not worth moving on and trying to make a new life. It’s the most painful thing I’ve ever had to deal with and what is most difficult is it will never go away. I will always be battling it at some point for the rest of my life. On bad days, that’s not appealing. On ok days, I pray to God for support. On good days, I just don’t think about it.


I’ve read that crying is healing. I believe that, but it is also hard to let yourself open up like that with people. I’m having great difficulty with that here. Mostly because my family here hasn’t been with me for the past 6 months experiencing the ups and downs of grief. So I tend to hide it. I cry in the shower or in my car. I have friends that I’ve had for years who send me emails and say they don’t know what to say or do. I feel bad for them. I feel bad for me.


I have so many things I want to do to honor her and to help others, but I haven’t been able to turn that corner yet. I’m sure I’ll get there eventually, if I survive it. I’m not sure I’ve gotten over that hump yet. I came to the sad realization yesterday that I gave someone my heart after my divorce and he broke it. Then Brit dies and the other part of my heart is broken. I don’t have any thing to offer anyone when it comes to love or to offer my heart. I just don’t feel anything like that now. So you see how hard life can become when you are hurting from so many different areas. It’s exhausting.


Sorry for the rambling. Hope you enjoy the weekend.

until next time,


mercedes

Oprah

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This is cool!

I submitted this picture I took after Brit died and in 15 minutes I received an email from Oprah.com to accept the submission. This is a really special way to display some great inspiring photos. I was very excited to have my photo accepted.

Enjoy!

until next time,

mercedes



http://www2.oprah.com/spiritself/insp/ss_insp_bs_main.jhtml

This is all jacked up!

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I read several articles today about starting life over. From a 40 something wife whose husband passed away to a mom whose daughter had just left for college. As I read them, I had so many different feelings that washed over me. I was angry, I was sad, I wanted to just cry, my heart raced but mostly I felt like I wanted to feel what they feel – excitement of a new lifestyle and the experiences that go with that – but I’m just not there yet.

I’ve lost so much – but mostly I’ve lost my identity. As Mother’s Day approaches, I am racked with grief over the loss of my mom. She died at age 48 from Breast Cancer. I lost my grandmother 5 years later, after a long history of Congestive Heart Failure – she was in her 70’s. And now my daughter – 17 years old – way too soon. I haven’t really liked Mother’s Day since my mom died. Even after becoming a mother 3 months after she died, – it was just too sad for me to think about. And still is.

My identity was so tied up in my family. I was my mom’s daughter, my grand mother’s grand daughter and my daughter’s mother. Now I am none of those. I am no longer a mother. We were all so close. Now there is nothing!

I was able to come to closure with my mom’s death through the help of a great book – Motherless Daugthers by Hope Edelman. This book saved my life. I for once found someone else who felt like I did. I got to meet her a month after I found and read her book. She signed my book and I told her how much her book helped me find closure after 5 years.

So far, I have yet to find anything to help me deal with my daughter’s death and what it means for the rest of my life. How I am suppose to keep going in a life I don’t know how to live. All I know is how to care for my daughter. She had so many needs and I kept very busy keep all her medical records, her medications, her doctor visits and tests all organized. And then of course all the drama that came with school issues.

You’d think that I could find a way to be glad to not have that worry any more. But I’m not. You see I’m happy for her. She is no longer suffering. She is in the presence of God! But me, I’m in the presence of my loneliness. Not knowing what to do next. Even with friends and family by my side – I battle the loneliness and the lack of a role that includes what I have done for the past 17 years. I don’t know what else to do.

Please pray for me as I continue to pray for guidance for what to do for the rest of my days.

until next time,

mercedes

Friday

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What grieving does to a person.

Grieving is like having two heads on your shoulders. One head is trying to keep on a happy face, so that anyone who crosses my path wouldn’t know how much I am hurting. The other head is crying and sad. The two sometimes are competing for dominance. I spend a great deal of time trying to find somewhere in the middle to exist. Some days are better than others. I do very well at keeping things in check – well – at least on the outward appearance. But on the inside, I’m dealing with a broken heart. On so many levels – my heart has been broken over my lifetime. Deep heart breaking life events. One’s that shouldn’t happen to one person again and again.

How do people survive this type of repetitive sadness? Some days I don’t have the energy to battle the demons that live within me. Just when I think I can’t bare another minute of sadness and loneliness, God sends me a message through my “little messengers”. Reminding me that I need to give it all to him and he will sustain me. My injustices will be made right by him. My sacrifices will be rewarded in Heaven. It truly is what I continue to hang on for. What makes me get up every day and keep getting through every minute of every day.

until the next time,

mercedes