Category: grief blessings

experiences of loss, grief journey and blessings along the way

The crushing ripples of grief

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I remember back in the early days after my daughter’s death I struggled with knowing who I was. I felt much like a tree that used to have beautiful branches and blooms. After the stormy death of Brittany, I felt that my limbs had been severed, my blooms withered away and I was left with just a shell. Devoid of all things called life.

I felt out-of-place wherever I went. When I went to an event in the town I lived, I felt out-of-place. When I walked in the store to get groceries, I felt out-of-place. When I drove up to my house in EGR, I felt out-of-place. Everywhere I turned I felt out-of-place. My whole life revolved around my daughter. 17 years of giving birth to her, keeping her safe, always working with medical team to keep her healthy. So when all that went away – I was left with a feeling of no purpose. It was a dark time.

As the months waned on and the winter cold settled in I felt more reclusive and more depressed.  I read the bible a lot those days hoping to find some guidance as to why it all  happened to me. Never really got that message. Which increased my feelings of worthlessness and depression. The more I read I should just have faith and get over it and move on, the more I came to understand that no one truly gets. I think the only way anyone could get this is for someone to have this happen to them. To have their life ripped up and their heart ripped out to the point that you feel nothing.

I wrote daily in my journal and for the most part it was very sparse. Sometimes I drew pictures of how I felt because the words wouldn’t come.  One of the items the journal page asked for was gratitude. I found that hard initially to find anything to be grateful about. Sometimes it would be the name of a person, or the sunny weather – but mostly I found myself grateful for breathing.

So often it was the gift of friends that caught me through so many of the dark days the first year.  Many came to be close friends that made me feel like I could make it through. I received so much love during that time and for that I have always been grateful. That is how the strong foundation was built for me to get to another level. I’ll always be forever thankful for God bringing those into my life, even if it was for a short time.

When your confidence is in God – you can do anything and God will show up!

My turning points were when I saw Brittany as a special gift from God because He knew I could care for her and give her a life that would shine and be of honor to God. Took me a long while to see that.

In February 2007, I had no idea where or what to do with my life. I wasn’t sure where my life would go or if I wanted it to go on. But through my faith and family and the best of friends I decided to move back to hometown of Indy. It was the one thing I was happy about. I wanted so desperately to leave the home I had with Brittany because it brought me such pain. There were so many great memories in that house, but also it is where I found her unresponsive. I had to leave.

While in the months to come, having left that  house was good for my grieving process, it was not good for my financial life. It was crushed. I found myself starting over. Even today I am still fighting the effects of that decision, which I would do again today, but it’s very sad that someone who has lost so much had to lose much more. There was no fairness. NONE.

People want to know why is it so hard to get over a loss. It’s because there is a ripple effect that happens when loss occurs. The ripples of life keep coming at you giving you little to no time to recover. Whenever I think I’m ready to move forward and buy a new house or condo, I find I cannot because losing my daughter meant losing my home too. So whenever I want to truly start over in my life, I cannot. I am forever reminded that when I ask if I can buy a car or a house or get credit – and I get denied – it’s just as if she has died all over agin. It just never stops.

I remain faithful that God will continue to bless me and that one day I’ll be able to start my life over again.

God is close to the broken-hearted, he restores those whose spirits are crushed.

Mine are still crushed.

until next time,

m

Derailment

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What has happened to me over the past few days has been what I can describe as a derailment of sorts. Easter threw me into an unexpected tailspin that led to me withdrawing and crying about the emptiness that still exists in my heart. Despite having love in my life, I still feel an ache deep within my heart that is beyond measure.

More than five years have gone by and I find that some days I have made great strides in my grief journey. Then some days I feel like I’m back laying on floor in my house back in Michigan and thinking I’m never going to live beyond one more day. Then I snap back to reality and realize that yes I have made it this far and yes I am happy again despite my loss. But my loss is never far from my mind. It cannot ever be something I will ever get away from. Nor do I want to.

I loved my daughter with every bit of my soul. She was a part of me. I grew her. She has been the best thing I have ever done in my life. I’m so proud of her and the work she did on this earth while she was here. When I focus on that too long, though, I become so sad because I long to see her again, to hear her laugh to have her say to me “mom, i love you”.

I thank God today that He graced me with her for the short 17+ years she was here on this earth. I also thank God for the love in my life now. For showing me it’s possible to love – that a broken and fractured heart can have purpose again. Most of all I thank God that He has led me to know who I am and that I have been this person all along. Just didn’t see it or didn’t want to face it.

Today I will love hard and I will allow love into my heart. I will live a life filled with love and life. I will smile again. I will be a better person because of it. Then I can do what I am here to do… be the extension of Jesus and love like Him.

until next time,

m

Everyday

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Everyday

by MercedesGrace

Everyday that I wake up and realize you are gone…..it still hurts.

Everyday that I spend without you in my life…..it still hurts.

Everyday that I look at your picture…..it still hurts.

Everyday that I continue to breathe without you here….it still hurts.

Everyday I am reminded of how much it still hurts to live, to breathe, to exist without  you in my life.

Everyday I wake up, I breathe, I put one foot forward and I move into the next moment without you.

Everyday I am still asking why.

Everyday I still have no answers.

Everyday I miss you so much it hurts my heart.

 

The Memories of You

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The Memories of You

The memories of you
have become harder to view.
If it were not for the pictures
that rest upon my desk.

The memories of you
haunt me day and night;
some I love to see and
some I wish were out of my sight.

The memories of you
in your pjs watching TV on
a brisk Saturday morning
all snuggled up in your chair;
are the memories I cherish most.

The memories of you
laughing and dancing as if
life was free and easy; all the
while it was not.

The memories of you
begin to fade in and out;
thankful for the pictures and
videos to remind me of a girl
who once lived in my life.

The memories of you
are harder to bare; as
times goes on and life
continues without you;
I am lost in a place I have
no way to get out.

The memories of you
are all that I have to
remind me that you were the
best of me and the best of
what I have to give.

The memories of you
will be forever etched on
my heart and soul.

love 

mom


Stepping Stones

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Chapter 15 – Stepping Stones
Grieving Forward – Embracing Life Beyond Loss
by Susan Duke

Throughout my life I’ve had many experiences with moving on past a tragic or bad event. Each time, the movement forward was propelled by the people that were present in my life. Whether be a friend, a family member or GOD – there was always someone there who helped to clear the fog from the path I was walking.

I think for the most part it was my mother that consistently believed in me and helped me to believe in myself. Ultimately the choice to move forward though is our own. After my mother’s death in 1988 I was so angry. Even while 7 months pregnant, I found myself in such a state of depression that I wasn’t sure where to step next. It was my pregnancy and the birth of my daughter that helped provide the stepping stones for my journey. While it took close to 5 years to come to terms with the death of my mother, it was my daughter and her desperate fight for life near her 1st birthday that forced me to look beyond my pain and put my faith back in God.

During Brittany’s first 5 years of life, my thoughts frequently would go back to my mom’s death and the lingering questions I had that remained unanswered and have been even now. After Brittany was diagnosed with Epilepsy at age 5 many things in my life moved forward because there was so much to do. I was also in nursing school at the time and juggling so many stressful events. It’s as if I just kept moving forward – whether I wanted to or not. Life was happening so fast I could barely keep up.

I always wondered why God chose me to have Brittany when for the majority of her life she would deal with life-threatening illnesses and the eventual untimeliness of her death. Why would God put me through such a tragic time? I just wanted to know why. In retrospect I think back and see that God put one of the most profound people in my life for a reason. That reason was to teach me that I wasn’t in control of my life, God was. To teach me that love conquers all pain and sorrow. To teach me that God wants us to know him, to love him, to believe him and to extend that love to all.

I learned all of that through my daughter. She so understood the most simplest of lessons that God teaches, yet we as humans fail to recognize in our daily walk in life. To walk in love without prejudice. To walk in love without judgment. To walk in love without looking back. Today I still find myself shaking my head because I struggle with remembering that lesson. It’s only when I look at her life and the grace with which she chose to live her life despite many setbacks. It’s only then, that I know I have to, we have to – look for the stepping stones of our lives and keep taking those steps – one by one – out in faith.

It is through those steps that we can move beyond our loss, beyond our pain and into the light with a zest for life. If you are not there, you will  be. There will be one day when you can wake up and remember without crying. There will be one day when you can look through mementos and not cry with anguish, but perhaps with the joy of a great memory. There will be one day when you can know that part of your life was a gift, and so is the part – where you are now – right now – is the greatest gift of all. Embrace it. Live it.

until next time,

m

Randomness

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Today is Christmas and as I’m sure I don’t have tell you all that, whether you celebrate it or not. It’s Christmas.

To me it means so many things. It’s the foundation of my faith; the hope instilled in my heart; and the assurance that God is in control.

But in my private moments whether it be in mind or alone in my apartment – the randomness of where my thoughts go continue to surprise me. I  have come to understand what has happened to me over the years but I have yet to understand “why”. It’s the why that holds me back. It’s the why that causes me to cry in the shower uncontrollably because my mind randomly goes to that place – the place where I try to avoid at all costs – the space in my heart that is void – that will not or ever will be healed. Perhaps a scar, but never healed.

Crying in the shower is something I’ve come to believe is cleansing to the soul – not just the body. I feel I can pour out my soul in the shower – as the water pours over me and into the drain – it is my hope that the tears will pour out of my body and down the drain. It’s exhausting to cry but also healing. Pain has to find a release. Tears are a perfect expression of the soul – pouring out it’s pain in hopes of healing the wound that is from deep within.

I still find avoiding looking at my daughter’s pictures. If I linger to long, I can no longer look away – I’m taken back to a time and begin to mourn all over again. So today was one of those days that I looked over at my favorite picture of her where her arms are crossed over as if she is hugging herself and thinking to myself how much I miss her hugs. Her love. Her laugh. Her happiness was infectious. I miss her everyday and I don’t think that will ever change.

I have a heart of gratitude for having been honored to be her mother. That God loved me so much to allow me the honor to have such a wonderful spirit of a daughter. I believe her spirit is among us and lives through us. I think sometimes I forget that and then I become sad. But I am reminded that she is part of me as I am a part of her. She will forever be a part of me. I will not forget her, I refuse not to speak of her and mostly I will never forget that she was my daughter.

At this Christmas time remember to look at your children and know that God has granted you the honor of being their parents. It’s a humbling thought if you allow that thought to move you into a place of gratitude. I am the spirit I am today because of my daughter’s influence. I am grateful for the lessons she taught me for so long. Love everyone, deny no one and be the hands of Jesus to everyone you meet. Just think if we all lived like that what a world we would see.

until next time,

m

Where do we go from here?

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After reading Chapter 14 for the umpteenth time on the power of support, I still haven’t figured out what my future holds. What I mean is what do I do with what I’ve learned these past five years since Brittany died. Or the 20+ years since my grand mother and mother died. The loss of marriage, the loss of my childhood. I have a lot to say and this blog, while has been a great conduit for me to connect with others – it is time for something different.

I started the process of turning this blog into a book, but I have hit a wall and haven’t been able to move forward with it. I thought about support groups, but not sure that  is right for me. Previous experience about support groups have left me feeling more sad and helpless. So where do I go from here?

I do feel a strong desire to connect with other mothers who have lost their children, especially children my daughters age and most importantly single mothers who have lost their only child. Through this blog I have connected with a few moms, but it has been through church and friends where I have connected with moms who have lost their children. It is then when I feel I have some purpose.

One of the great lessons I’ve learned, especially since Brittany died, is that I cannot let her death defeat what God has planned for me. I have to find out where I go from here. I too, like others before me, have become stuck in my grief process. Even now I go through all the stages over and over again. Why – because that is what we grievers do. It’s our reality. It’s what we do with it that can make all the difference.

I do believe that support groups can be invaluable to anyone who hasn’t been able to get over a certain stage or has become stuck in one stage for too long. It certainly is easier when you have someone you can relate to as you go through your journey. There is some unspoken code between those who’ve lost a child – there is a blessing in knowing without speaking a word how one may be feeling. You will never know exactly as everyone’s experience is different. What’s key is having the ability to express your grief freely without feeling guilty for speaking of your loved one. Getting encouragement for your continued progress is by far the best thing a support person can give.

The passage below from 2 Corinthians 1:4 is one of the most powerful scriptures I have found that keeps me motivated to continue to write and connect with the hearts of grieving mothers.

He comes alongside us when we go through hard times,

and before you know it, he brings us

alongside someone else

who is going through hard times

so that we can be there for that person just as

God was there for us.

 until next time,

m

What Grief Teaches Us

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Something I’ve learned about grief is it changes who you are. By that I mean it gives you a different perspective on what’s important in life. Once you have been “schooled” in the classroom of grief – you have two choices – be a good student and learn and grow and move through the journey. Or you become stagnant and lifeless. No one says it’s easy. I know I have come across those who have thought I should have been “over” it – or farther along than I was but if you haven’t been in the mess of it all – you just don’t know and you just shouldn’t talk about what you don’t know. That’s my opinion and since it’s my blog – I can write.

Now moving on. What I found most helpful in Susan Duke’s “Grieving Forward: Embracing Life Beyond Loss” is Chapter 13 – Grief’s Classroom. As I reread this chapter I found many passages I had highlighted and as I evaluated their importance today – still very valid and still very real.

I recall once when I was attending a Grief Share class at my local church, probably about 3 months after Brittany died, and as I sat there listening to everyone’s story – an overwhelming thought came to me: Dear God don’t let this happen to me. Some of these attendees had been on the journey for years and remained stuck in a place and couldn’t find their way out. I believe it was at that moment that I realized I had to take control over my journey but led by my deepest faith in God and giving him the control instead of letting it control  me. I also knew that my journey would help others.

One of the things that is crucial is seeing progress. But if you don’t measure it, you won’t be able to see it. I think that is why people often get stuck, because they cannot see how far they have come. Writing has been my way of tracking my progress. When I look at the posts on this blog and in my own private diaries – I see profound change and progress. I see a lot of pain and sorrow too. It’s all there, I’ve held nothing back. I’ve been as real as I can be and sometimes I’ve been too real and it has scared my readers. But know this: I’m a child of God and while I have moments of weakness and sometimes want to give up – I know that God takes control then and puts me back on track.

I have fought many battles with the devil over the death of my daughter. Guilt, shame, anger, mistrust, and sorrow so deep I couldn’t see my way out. When  you are so wounded it’s hard to fight the devil. His little games he plays with  your mind – it can be devastating to your progress if you don’t ask God to take control. Prayer warriors have saved me so many times I cannot count. Below is an excerpt from Dukes book that I think is critical to overcoming this weariness:

“Warriors cannot fight when they are wounded. The kind of battle that rages in a grief-filled heart is one of hopelessness. When we don’t care if we survive, it’s hard not to give up on everything, even God. It’s hard to lay down the heaviness of grief long enough to put on our spiritual armor, but it is the armor that equips us for the rest of our journey.”

I remember as I read that passage the first time, I went and wrote down scriptures like Romans 8:37: I am more than a conqueror through Christ who loves me” and I put them up on my bathroom mirror so I could see them everyday. I put messages in my pockets. In my books. On  my laptop – anywhere I would see them to remind me I was NOT fighting this battle alone. I won’t deny that there weren’t times I couldn’t pick up my bible and read. My heart was so heavy I couldn’t bear it nor did I care. I was so wounded I had no desire to move on. I just wanted my  baby back.  But through friends, scripture and the shear determination of my God he got through. The light began to shine again in my life and it is only by the Grace of God and his constant viligence over my life that I am where I am today.

The following comment from Duke really helped me see I wasn’t alone, nor was I crazy like some people made me feel: “it takes at least eighteen months before anyone who grieves begins to experience longer stretches of time with less pain” – that was from H. Norman Wright’s book Experiencing Grief. It is during that eighteen months that you have to be mindful of every choice you make. To be careful with your heart, your life and the decisions you make on how you deal with your grief. This can be a time when one could become addicted to drugs, alcohol or behaviors that are not conducive to healing. Lean on God!!!!

My journals and my blog have allowed me to reflect upon my journey and most importantly it allows me to see my progress. Grief changes who you are and you become someone different. As Duke says – “we have to own our grief” “There is no formula, no set of instructions, no twelve-step program that works for every individual. Grief can shake, change, convince, challenge and contradict every preconceived notion or idea anyone has ever said or written about grief.”

Grief teaches us that there is pain in loving. Now that I know that, my challenge today is to begin to let love into my life again. To trust that God wouldn’t send me someone to love if it wasn’t someone good and who will take my heart and keep it like a delicate flower. No one could ever take the place of my dear sweet Brittany – but so much more happened to me on this journey than just losing my daughter – I lost myself. I lost my desire to love or to let love in. Now it is time for love.

until next time,

m

Coping with special occasions

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Chapter 7 from Grieving Forward – Embracing Life Beyond Loss by Susan Duke

I’m actually passing some of the material in this chapter as I’ve visited the topic of gifts many times before. Decided I’d review something I believe is so very important for a grieving parent. A topic Duke talks about mid way through this chapter – dealing with special occasions. I think it continues to be a very source of anxiety for me even after nearly five years since Brittany’s death. The longing for things to be as they were and knowing they cannot be is often so painful that there have been times I just wanted to sleep through them.

I’m about to enter what I call the dark days again…..they just keep returning each each around September and stay until New Years. It’s a time of great memories and great heartache. Some days the memories are so profound and magical that I find myself so thankful I can recall them. Then there are days when the memories are so hard to handle. Duke relates so well to this issue that she states “Even years after our loss, despite how much healing has occurred in our lives, certain events often make us wish we could cancel these dates from the rest of our lives.” I too feel that way – still today.

There are things we can do to help ourselves and others during these times and I would encourage you all to be mindful that the holidays are the worst time for those who have lost loved ones. It can be a lonely time. And it can remain that way for a very long time.

While attending Grace Community Church in Indianapolis, I enjoyed the Remembrance Service the church put on each fall to help remember those loved ones that had gone on to Heaven before us. It was a bonding experience with those, like me, who had to deal with the on-going pain of the upcoming holiday season. I will  miss that this year. Now I find myself having to find another way to release that memory, that pain for it overshadows everything I do during the holidays.

Making new memories has been hard for me, moving back to Indy helped me reconnect with family that I had lost touch with over the many years of being away. Now I find myself in a new city, facing this holiday with an uncertain plan. I must however have a plan. It’s so important for me to ensure my ability to make new memories, while respecting my past life with Brittany. It’s a delicate balance and one that I can’t afford to be without.

It is so important to bring a season of celebration and love from the one who has been lost because it marks the blessing that enriched your life for a different season in your life. Creating a sense of celebration and new traditions allows you to incorporate the blessings of the old life with the blessings of the new life.

Some of the traditions I have today are from the great woman who raised me. I choose to light a candle for Brittany on her birthday. I eat macaroni and cheese because it was her favorite food. I wear the dog tags that were made by her friends for her Celebration of Life for the month of October and her “Brittany” bracelet for the month of November, her birth month. For Christmas I hang a special ornament or two just in memory of Brittany.

It’s all bittersweet sometimes and I have to allow the tears to fall. But I would never, ever trade one day of those memories of my life with her. It’s the days without her that are at some times unbearable, but it’s those moments with her wonderful smile or her funny wit that I am reminded of a beautiful spirit that surrounds me everyday and that spirit is my daughter.

until next time

m

Unrelenting Faith

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Today at church we started a series on “amazing stories” and today’s was on the story of Noah. This sermon really spoke to me because the way that the pastor, Clay, told of Noah’s story and as I sat their listening it was beginning to sound like how I, a grieving parent, goes about my life even today.

I don’t know how many of you know the story of Noah, you know he built the Ark, the big boat that took his family and two of every type of animal/creature and floated about during the worst time in biblical history. The flood.

As I sat there and listened, I saw very clearly how Noah’s faith was greatly tested as he built, and built and built the ark. Year after year he got up every morning and proceeded to build the ark. For over 100 years he built this ark, in faith, that God would use it as he said he would. 100 years is a long time my friends. But Noah didn’t give up, he didn’t waver he just kept building.

As our pastor eluded to during the message that you wonder how often Noah might have questioned why he was building an Ark. When was the rain going to come as God said. Maybe he would have given up. Why didn’t he? Faith. I believe Noah had great faith and belief that God would deliver and He did.

So how does that relate to a grieving parent? Well it takes great faith to get up each and every day, praying, hoping, believing that God would show me the way through the murky waters of grief to a life that would have purpose again. After Brittany’s death each minute of each day was filled with pain and sorrow. But I carried my bible and I prayed, in belief, that God would carry me through. My faith was greatly tested during this time. Because the mother in me couldn’t see past the grief.

The path was so dark, paved with so many memories that I barely could breathe. As the weeks wore on and my faith continued to wane, I still held on. I know, in looking back, that God’s plan to bring me through a horrible tragedy was there, yet I couldn’t perceive it while in the midst of it. It was my faith that believed that God would help me through to the next day, the next week, the next month. And now, my faith continues, to get through to the next year after year. It’s a process.

Faith is always a process. A work in progress. The weight of grief and the burden it creates is very hard to bear at times. Without faith, I can’t imagine how I could have made it thus far. For it is my faith that I am still moving on, moving forward, still believing that I have purpose. I’m not so sure my purpose has yet to be revealed, but I will continue to have faith that God will show me the way.

In the meantime, I’ll keep waiting for my white dove to show up and tell me it’s time to get off the boat and step into my new purpose.

until next time,

m