Category: grief journey

One of Erikson’s stages of psychosocial development is Trust vs Mistrust. It is the stage that infants are in until about 12 months of age. But I have often wondered if we, as adults, don’t battle this concept out in our lives when we are faced with trauma, or a loss or even coming in contact with the wrong people.

I have written about loss and fear these past few days and now I want to share a little bit about trust and how trust or the lack of trust keeps us from moving forward in our grief journey. Since I started the journey almost 3 years ago, I have struggled with the jump from fear to trust in about every aspect of my life. Fear has kept me from trusting on many levels.

One level is trusting that life will be ok. That I will survive this loss. That there is a reason I am left with this huge gaping hole in my heart. Life isn’t what I once knew to be good. For me life became a job to do or a task to finish. I lost all sense of trust in what I knew to be true.

Another level was trusting that I would ever be happy again. Whether it would be appropriate to be happy again. Trusting that in time the happiness I once had and the joy I once experienced would come back. That was a hard lesson to learn. Life as I knew it changed at 6:55 am October 13th 2006. I no longer trusted life, the medical profession, myself or anyone around me, but most of all I didn’t trust my faith in God.

What I have learned in these past 3 years is that the life I knew is gone and will never return. I had to create a new life, one that didn’t include Brittany, but did include the memory of her. I knew I wasn’t going to settle for forgetting her. I wasn’t going to stop talking about her or referencing an event about her just because it made other people uncomfortable. But how does one create a new life. Where do you begin?

You begin with learning to trust God. In the end that is all we got. If I didn’t have my faith, I couldn’t have seen the hope that exists today in my life. The hope that life can be made a new just as the day I let God take over my life. But as a person who has always taken the reigns and got things done, turning over my life and the healing process wasn’t going to be easy. And it has not.

But today I can say with all honesty that I am learning to trust. To trust that life can be and will be good again. To trust that I can let love back in my life, knowing that loving again and possibly losing someone is still better than living a life alone without love. I just can’t possibly think that life would be worth living unless there was love there. Love is a wonderful thing.

So trust my friends is the very key to moving forward. Trust is what makes us vulnerable to loss, but it also makes us keenly aware of the beauty that God has placed before us to enjoy. Live your life full of wide-eyed wonder and you’ll be guaranteed a life fully lived with love.

Until next time

M

I wrote yesterday about Mirror Mirror and how I put on a “face” for everyone to see. You might have wondered if this is working for me. And I’d tell you before this week it absolutely has. But now I must admit that it is not working for me now. I think I’m at a point that I’m ready to move onto the next thing in my life. Not letting people get close to me for fear of them seeing the weakness I feel when I grieve has been my biggest problem.

Somehow I have to find the ability to see the fear for what it is and embrace that fear head on. Fear has kept me from getting out and experiencing life. It has kept me from getting close to anyone, even my own family. Fear has kept me from dating. The fear of losing another person has paralyzed me into solitude. Thing is I hate solitude.

In the many years before Brittany died, I had the stereo on all the time. I loved music and loved to dance around while I cleaned house. Brittany and I used to dance around the house all the time. I would also complain about the TV being on so much. But now, the TV is my friend. It keeps me company. You see I hate the quiet. When it’s quiet my thoughts begin to take me to a place I’d rather not go. Fear begins to creep back in so I turn on the TV and shut out the fear. I bet you think “that’s not working for me either” and you are right.

I’m tired of the noise. The noise inside my head. I’m ready to get back to the person I was. Crazy funny girl who loves music and loves people. Where did she go? I buried her the day my daughter died. Seriously, how could I begin to have fun again? How does one begin to see joy again? Simple, yet so very hard to see – my faith in God has brought me this far my friends. If it weren’t for my faith, I would not be here today.

The fear – need to keep asking God to take it away – help me peel back the layers of fear and see that I do need love in my life. To bring back the color that left October 13, 2006. I have lived in a black & white world for 3 years now and it’s time to add a little color back in. The first step is the embrace fear. To see it for what it is…a stumbling block to healing.

Tomorrow I will write about trust and how trust and fear go hand in hand.

Until next time,

M

For sometime now I have been living the life of two people. Since Brittany died I found myself in the familiar territory of grief, but the unfamiliar territory of having a reason to keep living. To have a purpose. You see when my mother died I was 7 months pregnant with Brittany. So her impending birth kept me busy, so busy that I avoided the grieving process for about five years. Save that topic for another day.

The grieving process may be identified as the same according to many sources, but for me these were two totally different experiences. Even when my grandmother died five years after my mom, I felt I dealt with it as best I could. I was busy with a newly diagnosed epileptic daughter and she needed my full attention. I was also in nursing school at the time. So my plate was pretty full. No time for grieving.

So you can see that I do have some experience in the grief department. But nothing really prepares you to lose a child. I think mostly because it is so out-of-order of what should be a natural life process. A child, no matter the age, should never go before their parents. But it happens so much more than you would think. But that’s one of the biggest problems – we just don’t want to think about it.

I found for the most part that my family and friends just couldn’t deal with my grief. There were a few core people who, even if they didn’t understand, they knew to just be there.  As the months waned on and people began to go back to their “normal” lives, I was left with the most profound emptiness one could ever imagine. That is where I began to play “Mirror Mirror”.

Mirror Mirror is what I call the game a griever plays when they put on the mask everyone wants to see and hides the mask no one wants to see. Everyday that I left my house I put on that masked and pretended all was fine. I was fine. I mean really I was laughing and having fun – or so it would appear. Then I would barely make it home to crawl in my house and find my bible and begin to read passages in hopes of finding some small shred of hope that I was going to survive this loss.

This went on for quite some time. Throughout the process the financial hardship I faced from the medical bills that piled up during her treatment and that trailed in after her death. Many people came to my rescue and helped me with so many things. But it was the one thing, you know that one thing – that no one could help me with – the fact that my only child, the love of my life, the reason I lived and breathed was gone.

I became very good at pretending I was doing ok. But at the end of the day I would look in the mirror and the fear of the future, the fear of losing my memories of her, the fear of living began to paralyze my life. I could barely breathe.  There is a lot of fear that comes while grieving the loss of someone you loved beyond life itself.  You becomes really good at hiding it all. Because no one really wants to see it. No one wants to be reminded that this too could happen to them.

Until next time,

m

Yesterday I had the opportunity to see the movie “Love Happens”. I had known from previous trailers that this movie was about a man suffering grief from the loss of his wife. Realizing that watching a movie like this at this time of year may have not been one of my better ideas I went anyway. What I didn’t understand that there was a lesson I would walk away with.

In the movie this man has written a book about his experience after losing his wife suddenly in a car accident. During a large part of the movie he is out on the book circuit promoting his book and providing seminars for those attending who are going through the grieving process. For those of you who know me well, know that I too am writing a book. Although I don’t have a PhD, I am an RN which means I have seen a lot of grief. I have seen it also first hand in myown life. I don’t have any intention on doing seminars or going out on a book circuit, but I do think that going out and talking to people about grief is in my future.

Without spoiling the ending for anyone, I will just say that I would encourage anyone to see this movie who has been involved with a person who is grieving. Because I believe it will serve as a means for you to understand that everyone grieves differently and at different levels. So often we tend to have a preconceived idea of how someone should grieve. I think that most of that misconception comes from what will make us feel better because grief is uncomfortable. It’s not fun and it certainly is a process most want to avoid no matter what the circumstances are.

I know from my own experiences it’s a two-sided story. From one aspect it’s a personal journey that evolves. Death brings us to places where we find it uncomfortable. It makes us uneasy. It makes us look at our own mortality. It makes us face our own beliefs in the unknown. It makes us question why. And if you are a believer – you may even question God.

I know I have and still do question God as to why I lost my mother while being 7 months pregnant with Brittany. Losing my grandmother 5 years later. And then the worst loss of all, the sudden death of my 17-year-old daughter Brittany. I can’t possibly begin to tell you that God has answered my questions. He has not. But what He has provided is along my journey some very special people who I would have never met, who I would have never known the largeness of their hearts and their generosity and love for me and for God.

What I also know is that there are things I have yet to deal with. In the movie it becomes clear that this man is living two lives. The life of a griever that is public, the one we all want you to see. And then the life of a griever that is private. The one we don’t want you to see. The one that makes us vulnerable. It makes us retreat from public life because we don’t want anyone to know how we truly feel.

Over the next week I’m going to tell you my private thoughts on my own experience and what I learned in watching this movie. I do it not because it will help me, I know it will. But because I hope that someone somewhere will read it and have moment where they realize that this monster called grief must be faced full on and without fear. Because it can consume you and it can take away your life. As it has mine over the past 3 years. My story may take you places you have never been and may never want to go. But I can tell you that once you hear it, it may encourage you to know that someday what you learn may help you to help someone else.

And that is why I write.

Until next time

m

As the 3rd anniversary date of my daughter’s death looms, the thoughts of her have been flooding in faster and at unexpected times. You know the little things are the ones that seem to have the most profound affect on me. Passing conversations with friends about something totally unrelated to Brittany, but whatever it was in the conversation triggers some memory of something she said or did – and it would make me smile.

Then I would have to fight off the bad place. The place where the smile turns to a lump in my throat that helps to fight back the tears. Those tears come sometimes at the most inconvient time. Tonight while at dinner with a friend we were making small talk and being funny. Then something he said made me think of something Brittany used to say whenever she wanted to make me laugh – “chicken butt”.

I’m laughing now. She always was the one who could make me laugh, even when I was feeling down. We’d be driving around and I would have my silent self on and out of the blue she’d say “chicken butt” and we’d burst out laughing.  I miss that more than I can even begin to express. She made my world a better place. She was my world.

I’m so grateful to have those memories and I’m very blessed that I can write about them in order to preserve them in written form so that her memory will not be forgotten. I know I will never forget. But I also know that as time continues to pass on – so shall my memory of her. I know that because it’s been 21 years since my mother died and I struggle to remember her.

Memories of my mom seem so far away – a lifetime away. I have some photos and sometimes a memory comes to mind – but it’s like a dream that I’m dreaming and it is as if I’m staring into someone’s life – just not mine. That’s how I feel about losing Brittany – like it was a lifetime ago – someone’s life – just not mine. But then I look at her pictures and the painful memories come back into my mind and remind me of the profound loss in my life. A loss so painful that only God knows my pain.  But He also brings me joy. He heals my broken heart.

I think my life has gotten so busy that I haven’t had a whole lot of time to think much about her. I also believe that some of that is on purpose. It’s an easy escape. Staying busy. Volunteering for this and that.  I fear slowing down to get quiet because I begin to think about her and there are times that it still makes me sad. And that’s ok. I also have times where when I think about her I laugh. Like tonight.

Those little things are the things that we so often take for granted. The things that we don’t give much thought to on an everyday basis. But my friends those little things are the very things that keep our loved ones alive in our hearts and minds. They are the things you need to stop and pay attention to and be grateful for. Because they could be gone tomorrow.

Slow down, get quiet and let the memories flow, no matter where the journey takes you – let it come, let it flow. Meditate on what’s important.  Take time to thank God for what you have and what you had. Everyone in our lives is a gift from God. Those gifts are to be cherished and nurtured. For they are only with us for such a short time. Some far shorter than feels right.

Until next time

m

I read a story in my Women’s Meditation book today that made me think. It was a comment in the article that really made me stop and pause, thinking wow could I be doing this.

The article was about seeing the difference in doing God’s will verses enduring God’s will. When the Lord said “Thy will be done.” He meant that He would get up and do whatever it took to carry out God’s will. He just didn’t lie down and endure it. He carried on. He persevered. He finished the fight.

Then I thought about how I related to this passage and at times have felt that in Brittany’s death I have had to endure the grieving process. That it was God’s will that it was her time to leave this earth. That it was my time to endure the pain and emptiness that has been left in the wake of her death.

But after analysis of this passage, I now have the realization that it not God’s will that I endure anything. Jesus never said that suffering was from God or that it would be God’s will for us to suffer. Only that His will is to be done.

At some point early in my grief journey I became closer to God. A closeness that I had never experienced at any other time in my life.  I reached out so often to God because I felt there was no other place to turn. I wanted to feel like I had a purpose. I had so many questions. I still do.

I talked to God like He was sitting right in front of me. As if we’d been friends all my life. In fact, we had, I just didn’t see Him before.  Some of my questions were answered by unexpected sources. Some of my questions remain unanswered. But I do now understand that I am not to endure this grief journey.

I am to live it out loud and with a mission. A mission that speaks to the need to have God in your life. To build a strong foundation in God’s word. To have faith that is unmeasurable and strong enough to get through the toughest of life’s struggles – loss.

Whatever you feel God’s will is for you – I believe it is to be done. Activate your faith by walking along side God. Educating yourself on God’s word so that it becomes a part of your soul. That is how God’s will get’s done and not endured.

Enduring life doesn’t sound very appealing to me. But doing life – I think I can handle that one.

Until next time,

M

Today I was having a conversation with a good friend and out of that conversation came the topic of this blog – The need we have to always figure out the “Why” of life. I’m sure I’ve written about this topic before, but I believe we can always use a healthy dose of remembering a very important life lesson. The reason we are here and why it is important to stop figuring out why you are here and just do it.

A few years ago I found myself questioning why I was here. Here in my hometown, here at this time in my life or even here on earth. One day I must have been feeling very misplaced and I mentioned to someone that I wasn’t sure it had been a good idea to move back to my hometown. And she said to me “You are here because you are suppose to be here, to be my friend, to be my co-worker – it is where God wants you now”. That statement struck me so profoundly because since Brittany’s death, or really my whole life, always trying to figure things out. Questioning the “why” in my life. And in the process missing the point. It’s not important to know why, to know God’s plan, it’s more important to know that there is a plan and just have faith.

I know that can be hard for some people. It’s very hard for me. I’ve always been the person in charge, the go to person. So it can be a difficult transition in life to just believe that for whatever reason we are placed here on earth that we are to live it out in full faith. Faith that is unseen and can only be revealed in how you live your life. Knowing that God’s plan is so much bigger than anything we can possibly dream up on our own.

The other side to this is that when my friend said what she did, it also struck me that people come in and out of your life for many reasons.  Sometimes it’s not always for good reason, but we hopefully learn from the experience and keep moving forward.

I learned from my daughter’s death who my real friends were. Some were not who I thought they were and other friends came into my life that I never imagined I would be friends with. Those people are the ones who stood by me at a time in my life that they could have easily walked away. As some did.  But some didn’t. They are still my friends today. Yet distance proves to be a modifier in this equation because we don’t see each other as often. But I know that at even given time I can call them and leave it all on the table and they’ll still be my friend in the end.

Those are the kind of people you need to have in your life. People who stretch you and make you a better person. Who believe in who you are without question. The comings and goings of our friendship remain strong through the tests of life. Don’t question when special people come into your life. Don’t try and figure out why or how could it be possible. Remember God brings people into your life to teach you something.

I also realize that there are some not very good people who come into our lives and we let them in ignoring the voice in our heart and head (which is God) because we think we know the plan. WE don’t! Listen to your heart and get still enough to hear God – you’ll know who those people are you need to have close to you and the one’s you need to send on their way. Keep people around you keep you accountable. People who come along side of you and compliment who you are and make you a better person.

God can work so many great things in your life if you just give Him the reigns and stop trying to figure out what He is doing.

This blog topic is dedicated to my special friends on Twitter and my dearest and to my closest friends in life. Peace and love to you all.

until next time

m

In watching the coverage of Sen. Ted Kennedy’s Celebration of Life I came to a realization that this type of loss stays with you for the rest of your life. Watching the coverage took me back to Brittany’s Celebration of Life. We called it that instead of a funeral because we did want to celebrate the life of our only child. The light of our life. The reason God put us on the earth. To create a child of God and lover of life and a heart that was a big as you could imagine.

Celebrating ones’ life after they have passed on is a special time. It gives the loved ones’ who are left to pick up their lives and move on a way to hear stories that they may have not known about or have long forgotten about their special person. I remember hearing stories about Brittany that I didn’t know. Stories shared by her friends. Stories that made me a proud mother. I raised one hell of a girl.

In hearing Sen. Kennedy’s family and friends get up a speak of special stories that touched their lives, I think that Vicky, his wife, and his children and extended family will be blessed for the rest of their days. Those stories are the things that bring you peace and a sense of calm in the stormy days ahead when dealing with grief.

Grief comes back always. It never leaves you for very long. It lurks waiting for opportune moments to take you back to a time you would otherwise not want to go. But go you must. It stretches you in ways you can’t imagine. No one believes they can survive a loss such as a child; but I’m here as living proof that you can survive. In fact, you can move forward in your life.

Now I’m not saying that in a second, I’d take it all back to have her back in my life. But I also realize that things have happened for a reason. A reason that has yet to be revealed to me. But one that I accept and one that I realize I have to hold onto. There is a future for me somewhere, somehow and I am holding on for dear life until it happens.

A message for you today is that do not wait until some one you love passes to celebrate their life. Take the time to celebrate those special people today. Let them know that your life has been and will continue tobe blessed by their coming into your life. Make sure they know you realize they are a gift from God. A blessing. Because one day, one minute, one second – it could all be gone.

I challenge you today to go out and hug your child, your spouse, your parents, or siblings and say “I love you” and I am so thankful you are in my life. Don’t let grievances and bad blood come between you and your family or you and your friends. Keep the peace. Love everyone – resist your own selfish nature to have it all be about you. Because it is not about you – it is about God – the space you’ve been given is a gift to exist on this earth. Use it wisely.

until next time – Celebrate Life today!

m