Category: grief journey

until next time,

Get your jersey and cap on and ROOT for the COLTS!

Have a great weekend – despite all the SNOW!

You know – Monday was a bad day and I have written some hard stuff. God always sends me the right message when I need it the most.

During her show she was interviewing one of her staff who had been receiving questions from viewers for Joyce to answer or give her input on. Right in the middle of the show Joyce turns to the viewers and says, “I’m sorry, but I feel very strongly that I must pray for someone whose just lost their child or the child is sick, etc.” – I nearly fell off the couch. I began to have tears running down my face. As I prayed along with her – I felt so much better. Glory!

I am reminded of how God has blessed me so many times since Brittany’s death. I know it’s hard to believe I can even acknowledge that – but it’s true. He truly loves me and lets me know on a regular basis that I am his and he will never leave me. This is something I didn’t realize or know before her death. I’ve always believed in God – not always been faithful. Esp. when my mom died at age of 48 while I was 7 months pregnant with Brittany. I walked away from God then, and felt he didn’t care about me.

I was wrong. It took the loss of my daughter for me to wake up and see where my life was going. Not in a good direction I’ll tell you. I’m a good person, love my work, loved my kid unconditionally – but I was not living a life for God. I was not bringing people to the Lord. He let me know that I now need to make that my mission for the rest of my days.

Let me tell you one thing – I can get through the death of my only child ONLY by the GRACE of GOD. Yes I may have bad days and I may write some very dark stuff – but that’s normal. But I also see hope even in my darkest days. That is God’s gift to me. I know now without any doubt that I will be seeing my little girl again in heaven. Yes I will be in heaven. God has challenged me to live for Him. I’ve been given a new chance at life to live the way he wanted me to live.

You can too. I say to anyone who reads my blog, that if you don’t know Christ – please know you life will be forever changed if you accept him as your Lord. My life is and will be a testimony of what God can do in your life if you let him.

May God reap many blessings on your life. Those of you who support me and continue to support me – you know you are storing up a pile of blessings for yourself in heaven. Glory!!!!

until later,

Now it is different. I moved all the pictures into one room, except the one big one in my living room. I avoid looking at it at times, somedays I don’t want to think about it. Other times, I think about her and I can manage ok. I seem to be at a cross road with the grief thing…

Somedays – it’s so hard I don’t think I can breathe.

Somedays – it’s so hard because I can breathe.

Somedays – it’s so hard to remember her.

Somedays – I am so grateful for having her for 17 years.

Somedays – I feel robbed.

Somedays – I want to die.

Somedays – I feel like a 2nd chance has been given to me to get my life right.

Somedays – life is just plain hard. It’s been hard for a very long time. I am tired.

later,

Is it possible to believe that my heart will learn to love again?

Is it too soon for my heart to feel love?

Is it too soon for me to feel good again?

Is it too soon for me to find joy in a moment?

Will my heart ever heal?

Will my heart love again?

Will my heart feel love again?

Will I ever be able to talk about her without choking?

Will I ever be able to look at her picture without my heart breaking?

Will I ever be able to look at her video or here her voice without thinking I can’t go on?

Somedays I think I can make it. Somedays I think I have made it. Then somedays I know I have far to go. But only by the grace of God am I able to get through each and every day.

He heals the brokenhearted…..yes – indeed – it’s working now and it brings me such hope that I will love again. Not like I loved my girl – but that I can love without fear of loss.

until later,

Then when I arrived home to my wretched drive way full of ice chunks – I began to cry more. Then I got the shovel out and began to heave the snow to the side and clear a path for my car. Then I began to cry openly making promises to Brit – “I’ll never forget you” I promise I’ll never forget you. I know sometimes it feels like I’m losing her memories, her voice, her laugh, her everything – it’s all too much to think about. It’s so painful.

Those of you who read this and have children – you are so very lucky. I hope you know how lucky.

Never been to Cabo – so it was exciting to be somewhere else that doesn’t remind me of my loss. I really needed to get away from my house and the haunting memories of Brittany. As I sit here now writing this I become teary eyed.

That’s what happens to me now – tearful when I stay too long in some thought about her, tear up and then it goes away. Haven’t had a huge breakdown in weeks – Is that bad?

Happened several times in Cabo. At breakfast I sat looking out of the Sea of Cortez and became lost in my thoughts about how much I missed her. I would realize I had tears in my eyes and I quickly would wipe them away take a deep breath and divert my thinking elsewhere.

I miss her. Then I think God has given me an opportunity to do something else with my life – but what.

I have started to feel bad like weird or guilty about how much time had passed since I had grieved so boldly, so passionately over losing my most precious girl. I can’t stop the tears now. They are over powering me as I sit on this plan enroute to Houston. I just asked the lady beside me if I could trouble her for a kleenex. Thank goodness she had one. I’m trying not to bring any attention to myself.