Category: grief journey

The battle continues…..

My faith in life is being tested….my faith in my self is being tested….my faith in God is being tested. In everything, I am being tested. It’s a pass or fail result.

Sadness beyond belief has overcome me…

Despite my hard fight
I continue to battle
the enemy. The battle
rages 24 hours of every
day with unrelenting
pounding down of my soul.

My heart is broken into
many pieces and lies here
before you fractured beyond
repair.

Can you hear me wail? Can
you see my pain? Do you know
it will never go away? It’s never
ending. They say it will get better,
they are wrong. They say that because
they don’t know what else
to say to me.

I do see one thing so very
clearly…I don’t have anything
left. No energy, no worth, no
life, no meaning, nothing.

I travel through my day numb
from all the pain I feel. I have tried
to put on the game face, but I am
tired of playing in a game I didn’t
ask to play in.

would you?

Happy New Year’s Message

Yesterday during the sermon at my church, I heard the following scripture that gave me the strength to see how the new year could be so much better than 2006….

I have had a few rough days…

Christmas Eve was extremely difficult, but I was comforted by friends and God. Being at church gives me so much comfort and I feel closest to God and to Brittany.

Now I am facing the New Year without her. It’s the absolute worst feeling in the world. I continue to be conflicted between my position in faith and my emptiness of motherhood. I was so lucky to have had 17 years with her. I just wish I’d known that before she died. I know I loved her so much. I wanted so much for her to be happy. Really – she was in the end. I do believe that Andy did that for her. And that God brought Andy and Brittany together because he knew they both needed it. And that I needed to see she could be loved by someone else besides her family. Really not many people in my family knew her well. What they usually saw was how difficult it was to raise her. All of her medical needs/issues were overwhelming sometimes – and living away in other states where there was no family – well it removed most of our family from the day-to-day trials of raising a chronically ill child.

Nevertheless, I would never trade it for anything. It has made me the person I am today. It will continue to influence every decision I make and every person I come in contact with. Why – because it was the way she lived. She touched so many she came in contact with – even at her Celebration of Life. I still get messages and cards from people who just want to tell me how much her story has affected them.

What a blessing to have now. It comforts me beyond belief. Yet it also reminds me of how much I have lost. My one and only child. My one and only love. My one and only.

until later,

m

Merry Christmas Everyone!

I have been reading a book by Dr. John Terveen titled “Hope for the Brokenhearted” and the following is a passage that I took as if I had written it – it is where I stand today…

I can see that, yet it is just beginning for me. Ironically, I just turned on the TV to my church’s weekly Sunday service while getting ready for going to church and OH MY – the message is on HOPE! God truly sends me messages and people that bring me hope whenever I need it most.

You just have to be open to receive. Stay with me – The DEVIL is lurking everywhere you go – always looking for an opportunity to take away your hope. Be careful and take comfort in God’s peace and protection! You must ask him into your life and then give your life to him. Walk with God and God will walk with you.

Celebrate His Birth

Many Blessings as we celebrate the greatest birth of all time, Jesus Christ our Lord!

until later,
M

Today Show – they were talking about being alone for the holidays. Whether because you had a loss/death or recent divorce – it’s important to know it’s ok to be sad and to mourn and not feel ashamed. That’s hard! But they definitely said to not be alone. Interesting how God keeps sending these learning opportunities my way. Also really eerie, but I’m truly glad for is, when I read the Bible now – I understand so much more than I have before. I used to struggle with the meaning in the scripture – now it’s as if my eyes have been opened and I get it.

God continues to bless me everyday in so many ways – the pain of missing her is unbearable and I just struggle emotionally to get through everyday. I have never felt so unimportant or not needed as I do now – yet I keep getting signs from God that I do matter. I’m very confused. I’m very tired. I can’t seem to get over this infection/virus. Second round of antibiotics, new meds. I have trouble clearing my throat. Keep a prayer for me.

I’ve asked, prayed, begged God to take it away from me. I cannot possibly keep sustaining myself with this relentless attack on my body. Emotionally and physically I am exhausted beyond belief. I ask God too – how can I help others when I feel this bad. If it is my purpose to minister to others now, how can I do that when I feel like I’m about to choke to death. Sometimes I feel I cannot get a break. It is a daily struggle to keep going. I know I do get glimpses of hope, but I do feel like I’m being bombarded at every turn. I just need to get some happiness somewhere in my life – I just don’t see that happening.

until later,
m

I just can’t seem to shake this infection. Grieving process is taking its toll on me. I keep working, I really shouldn’t be – but it keeps me from thinking about how much pain I truly feel everyday, every minute, every second. I’ve been on my knees a lot this week praying, asking God to have mercy on me. Why am I continuing to live when all I want is to stop the merry-go-round of life and get off. Just when I get to the end of my rope – he sends me what I need to get through that moment. Hope, a light, a small beacon of assurance that I may survive.

The Devil continually lurks, swarms, hovers, sneaks into and over me. God keeps giving me what I need to fight him off. Thanks Be To God – For He is a Great God. I know I wouldn’t be here writing on this blog without him. But I am weary physically. I need some rest and break.

until later
m

I so tired of being tired. I’ve had this cold/sinus infection long enough. It’s been the first real cold I’ve had in a very long time. I know my immune system is shot and that’s probably why I got it – but enough is enough.

Antibiotics helped for about 3 days and now it’s back with a vengence. It doesn’t help matters that I have been slammed emotionally. Brittany’s death, Thanksgiving, her birthday and now Christmas. Even worse – really – could it be any worse? Happy New Year! Right!

Facing the new year is something I hadn’t given another thought too, that is until now. In some ways saying goodbye to 2006 seems appealing – you know – it’s not been the greatest year for me. But facing 2007 – a new life – one that I have not a clue where it will lead – well it’s making me simply – NAUSEATED!

God does continue to bless my life in ways that help me to see that Brittany is with him and she is safe. Keep praying for me that I get guidance about me! What am I suppose to do? Where am I to go? Why am I still here? How will I feel this time next year?

I had a dream the other day, I’m sure was a message from God. In my dream, I pulled up in my car behind Brit’s dads car and then Brittany got out of his car and got into mine. She looked at me and said “The Angels came to see me mom, they said I was going to be ok” – then she got out and I woke up. That’s how I know she is ok and with God. Thank you God!

Now what about me….

until later

m

As I struggled yesterday to make it through, I came home and studied my bible for 3-1/2 hours. I came across words from Jesus that clearly helped me see how I feel 2 months after my daughters death.

Matthew 26:36

Jesus points out to Peter, James and John how distressed and anguished he was…

38: He told them, “My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”

39: He went on a little farther and bowed with his face to the ground, praying, “My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.”

40: Then he returned to the disciples and found them asleep. He said to Peter, “Couldn’t you watch with me even one hour? 41: Keep watch and pray, so that you will not give in to temptation. For the spirit is willing, but the body is weak!”

42: Then Jesus left them a second time and prayed. “My Father! If this cup cannot be taken away unless I drink it, your will be done. 43: When he returned to them again, he found them sleeping, for they couldn’t keep their eyes open.

44: So he went to pray a third time, saying the same things again. 45: Then he came to the disciples and said, “Go ahead and sleep. Have your rest. But look – the time as come. The Son of Man is betrayed into the hands of sinners. 46: Up, let’s be going. Look, my betrayer is here!”

My friends and family – it is so important that you stay with me on this journey. My journey in grieving for my daughter is nowhere close to being over. In fact, I’ve been very good at hiding it from everyone. It’s extremely difficult to work 9 hours a day and continue to grieve. So – it gets pushed aside only to rear it’s ugly head once I am home alone. I work as if nothing is wrong. But it’s all very wrong. Keep praying for me. Keep watching over me. Do not go to sleep – I need you all more than ever.

until next time,

M