Category: loss of child

Moving On

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I read an article about a family that lost a 5 year old daughter. Several things really resonated my own experience and where I see myself now.

I became a mother – for 17-1/2 years it’s what defined who I was.

I had a vision of what would be possible for my daughter and myself: for her going to college, finding true love, be all she could be; and for me, seeing something I created experience life, getting married, planning a wedding with her, helping her with her babies, etc.

When you lose your child, your only child – all those future plans and hopes are lost too.

Like this author I struggle to find meaning, to work, to write, to read, to make any type of decisions.

Why….because after nearly 50 years of living a life – I no longer know who I am or what I am to become.

What I do know….life is too short…..it passes you by in a blink of an eye…..one day you are someone….and the next you are not……now I have to find out who I am and I need to do it sooner rather than later….afraid to make any wrong decisions or mistakes…..almost paralized by the grief.

Part of me wants to flee as far as I can…..Part of me wants to keep everything the way it was….Part of me doesn’t want to breathe another breath…..Part of me wants to live like there is no tomorrow.

The challenge for me and my closest supporters is to find a compromise that will help me to move forward without thinking I’m leaving her behind.

until next time,

m

Good and the Bad of Grief

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I’ve never experienced such up and down emotions like I have with grief.

In the shadows of my grief the darkness is stoic
Once where there was laughter that filled my day,
there is now the darkness of mourning
Not even in the cracks of my once cheerful foundation
can the light shine through
For my darkness is trump

mdm

Again I say: I’ve never experienced such up and down emotions like I have with grief.

until next time,

m

Enough!!

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Enough with the snow!!!

I just shoveled 6-8 in from my driveway and it’s coming down so fast you can’t keep up. ENOUGH! I’ve been praying for a reason to move – maybe this is God giving me that nudge – MOVE out of here! lol

until later

m

Ginny Owens

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Ginny’s Myspace page

Gotta mention this album and artist because her music has been a HUGE help to me in my journey of grief. She’s awesome and I would recommend this particular album to anyone looking for some guidance and inspiration.

I first heard “If You Want Me To” in my car on the radio. I was so touched by the words to this song about going through tough trials in life. So healing for me to know there was a song that spoke to me so closely.

Have a great weekend – despite all the SNOW!

until next time

Joyce Meyer

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Ok – last night I am watching some recorded Joyce Meyer shows and finally decide to watch one more and bingo – it was the one I needed to see.

You know – Monday was a bad day and I have written some hard stuff. God always sends me the right message when I need it the most.

During her show she was interviewing one of her staff who had been receiving questions from viewers for Joyce to answer or give her input on. Right in the middle of the show Joyce turns to the viewers and says, “I’m sorry, but I feel very strongly that I must pray for someone whose just lost their child or the child is sick, etc.” – I nearly fell off the couch. I began to have tears running down my face. As I prayed along with her – I felt so much better. Glory!

I am reminded of how God has blessed me so many times since Brittany’s death. I know it’s hard to believe I can even acknowledge that – but it’s true. He truly loves me and lets me know on a regular basis that I am his and he will never leave me. This is something I didn’t realize or know before her death. I’ve always believed in God – not always been faithful. Esp. when my mom died at age of 48 while I was 7 months pregnant with Brittany. I walked away from God then, and felt he didn’t care about me.

I was wrong. It took the loss of my daughter for me to wake up and see where my life was going. Not in a good direction I’ll tell you. I’m a good person, love my work, loved my kid unconditionally – but I was not living a life for God. I was not bringing people to the Lord. He let me know that I now need to make that my mission for the rest of my days.

Let me tell you one thing – I can get through the death of my only child ONLY by the GRACE of GOD. Yes I may have bad days and I may write some very dark stuff – but that’s normal. But I also see hope even in my darkest days. That is God’s gift to me. I know now without any doubt that I will be seeing my little girl again in heaven. Yes I will be in heaven. God has challenged me to live for Him. I’ve been given a new chance at life to live the way he wanted me to live.

You can too. I say to anyone who reads my blog, that if you don’t know Christ – please know you life will be forever changed if you accept him as your Lord. My life is and will be a testimony of what God can do in your life if you let him.

May God reap many blessings on your life. Those of you who support me and continue to support me – you know you are storing up a pile of blessings for yourself in heaven. Glory!!!!

until later,

m

Some days it’s so hard.

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A few weeks ago I moved her things into the guest room and made her room into the guest room. That has helped. Every night when I would go to bed, I’d pass by her room and then I would head for the couch to sleep. Couldn’t bare going by her room and going onto mine knowing she wouldn’t be in there. It was if she was at her dad’s house for an extended time. Even though I was at her bedside when we stopped CPR and we let her go, her room hadn’t changed any since she left it.

Now it is different. I moved all the pictures into one room, except the one big one in my living room. I avoid looking at it at times, somedays I don’t want to think about it. Other times, I think about her and I can manage ok. I seem to be at a cross road with the grief thing…

Somedays – it’s so hard I don’t think I can breathe.

Somedays – it’s so hard because I can breathe.

Somedays – it’s so hard to remember her.

Somedays – it’s so hard to remember who I am.

Somedays – I want to scream really loud that I don’t like this at all.

Somedays – I am so grateful for having her for 17 years.

Somedays – I feel robbed.

Somedays – I want to die.

Somedays – I feel like a 2nd chance has been given to me to get my life right.

Somedays – life is just plain hard. It’s been hard for a very long time. I am tired.

later,

m

My Heart

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Is it reasonable to think that my heart will heal?

Is it possible to believe that my heart will learn to love again?

Is it too soon for my heart to feel love?

Is it too soon for me to feel good again?

Is it too soon for me to find joy in a moment?

Will my heart ever heal?

Will my heart love again?

Will my heart feel love again?

Will I ever be able to talk about her without choking?

Will I ever be able to look at her picture without my heart breaking?

Will I ever be able to look at her video or here her voice without thinking I can’t go on?

Somedays I think I can make it. Somedays I think I have made it. Then somedays I know I have far to go. But only by the grace of God am I able to get through each and every day.

He heals the brokenhearted…..yes – indeed – it’s working now and it brings me such hope that I will love again. Not like I loved my girl – but that I can love without fear of loss.

until later,

m

Entry for January 23, 2007

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Now i am home and i went to work today. It was an ok day. I have had this feeling for the past few days that I may lose it. While driving home from the store – tears welled up in my eyes. I can’t write strong enough words to describe the massive amount of hurt that I feel. I keep it nicely tucked away – no one knows. Only God! –

Then when I arrived home to my wretched drive way full of ice chunks – I began to cry more. Then I got the shovel out and began to heave the snow to the side and clear a path for my car. Then I began to cry openly making promises to Brit – “I’ll never forget you” I promise I’ll never forget you. I know sometimes it feels like I’m losing her memories, her voice, her laugh, her everything – it’s all too much to think about. It’s so painful.

Those of you who read this and have children – you are so very lucky. I hope you know how lucky.

My bright sunshine has now been extinguished. My best achievement has now been taken from me. My connection with the future has been changed. There never will be anyone like her. I don’t think I have the capacity to love anyone again. The loss is too hard. I have had so many losses….I don’t want anymore.