Category: The Ups and Downs of Life

Thanksgiving Message

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Thanksgiving for the past 3 years has been extremely difficult for me. Losing my only child has made it very difficult to see the things I am thankful for. The things I should be thankful for. You have to understand – when life isn’t going so well – and you’ve lost all that you know to be true – it’s hard to see the blessings.

Monday, November 30th would have been her 21st birthday. Over the past 3 years her friends, family and I have celebrated it by eating Mac and Cheese and having a Starbucks Carmel Frappachino. But this year I just don’t even want to do that. In fact, the thought of it makes me nauseated.

This 3rd year seems to be harder than the last few years. Not sure why. Maybe just because. Or maybe because so many other parts of my life are a mess. The only good thing I got to hold onto is that I know God loves me. And that is what keeps me going. Because seriously if I didn’t have that – I wouldn’t be able to sustain the life I live now.

I was talking with some friends and I was telling them how I was feeling – they all said that they felt I was here to help others. That even though I have had some incredibly bad things happen in my life – that God is using me to help others. And on some levels I do see that, especially when I hear from people who have been helped either by my story or by my blog. But there are times when I feel I don’t have much left to give.

What does that say? It says I need to slow down and let God fill me back up. I need to receive a little bit. So for the next few days I will be spending that time with God – just me and Him. Talking, praying, reading – just being in His presence soaking up all He has to give me.

Until next time

M

Some days are harder than others.

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I won’t deny that some days are difficult to get through for us grievers. In fact, some days I would just as soon pull the covers up and over my head and sleep. But I get up because it is the very medicine I need to keep moving forward. But some days….are harder than others.

The thoughts that invade my mind come ever so quickly this time of year. Harder to push them back where they belong – in the dark place. I have to be more cognizant of their ability to disrupt my day or put me in a bad mood. I look up and ask God to help me get through the day. But some days….are harder than others.

The ability to acknowledge that the life I knew is gone becomes increasingly difficult this time of year. It’s as if I don’t have a choice in where my mind goes. What thoughts I think. That is when I lean into God and pray for quiet. A peace that can sustain me. But some days….are harder than others.

Spending time with family is harder this time of year. You would think that it would be easier to have the people who love you around, but seriously, it makes things harder. Why – because then I have to hide how I feel so that it doesn’t ruin their fun. I would feel too guilty and that pressure is too great. So I pray to God for strength.  But some days……are harder than others.

The two-sidedness of my life is exhausting to live. But I find it is the only way I can exist. Crazy as that may seem – it works. The private griever in me wants to be left alone and to withdrawal from the world. The old me – wants to live life out loud and be an outrageous crusader for God. A life conflicted for sure. But some days…..are harder than others.

As God continues to heal my life, my heart, my soul……some days…..are harder than others.

until next time

m

Doors of Life

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For Everyone Who Ask, Receives. Everyone Who Seeks, Finds. And to Everyone Who Knocks, The Door Will Be Opened. – Luke 11:10

I’ve been praying for a long, long time for God to open a door so that the one behind me will close. I think I may have gotten my request a little out-of-order. I think I may be in looking back way to often and not looking forward enough.

As I continue to move forward on my journey of grief since the death of my daughter I find myself, especially this time of year, looking longingly at that past door that lies behind me. I am sure now after reading that scripture that by not keeping my eyes fixed forward I have hindered God’s desires for me.

Can I just say that takes an incredible amount of grace and humility to admit that, although I feel like God is making doors open for me, I can’t help but to look back sometimes and wish that I would wake up and it all had been a bad dream.

I find that particularly painful to admit, because I know it is the very thing that has stonewalled my progress. The problem then becomes how do I stop looking back. Stop looking back at a life I still long for. How do close that part of my life and look forward? It’s not the game  I wanted to play.

During this time of year seems to be the most difficult. The tendency to look longingly at the door of my past life with Brittany is so strong this time of year. It takes a great deal of strength and attention for me to stay focused on the present and future. I lean into and yes I said into Jesus in order to stay focused on moving forward.

The one thing I do know is that this happens every year at this time. For the past three years it has been extremely difficult to remain faithful that God will keep that door open long enough for me to crawl through. But I also know that God has always remained faithful to me even when I couldn’t even see it. See HIM. He is always there. Waiting for me.

My challenge is finding a way to close the gap between when I start to feel this longing and when I am able to focus on the door in front of me and not the one behind me. And understanding that this journey is a process and one that ebbs and flows without too much influence from me. It’s the nature of the beast.

Every gift that God gives us opens a door for something greater and more wonderful than we can imagine. I know this to be true. The hard part is remaining faithful to that knowledge when it gets a little rocky or life hits the skids. Remaining faithful will allow God to move in ways we can’t possibly imagine.

Hold on my friends, hold on.
until next time

m





This Is It – Tribute to MJ

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Today I got to see “This Is It” – Michael Jackson’s journey during the summer of 09 while rehearsing for his final tour “This Is It” in London. I can tell you without a doubt I walked away with so many feelings and what I believe a message that Michael is just jumping for joy about.

Now mind you this is just my opinion, and I certainly don’t intend on interjecting my own spin on the message, but I do think if MJ was alive, he would be very pleased because this film has a lot to say. And it speaks to so many different people.

For me, there were three different messages that the film spoke to me. One was that Michael appeared to be in very good health. He was resilient, feisty, creative, very involved and funny during the whole film. Never once did I think he look sickly, as some of the news media have depicted.

Secondly his love of the planet and his fears of its impending demise comes through very clearly. He speaks of it in a genuine way and makes you think – he is right. We are destroying the very earth we live on. This earth is a gift from God and we need to take better care of it.

Thirdly his message of what our jobs are here on earth, to love. Those of you who have read my blog posts before or follow me on FB or Twitter, know that I too, believe that love is the ultimate gift you can give. MJ speaks so eloquently about love and the need to have love and to give love. This part is the part of the film that nearly brought me to tears.

The tears came because I think the world is in need of love and the importance of love. One of the true messengers of this lesson is now gone. But we can all keep the one thing that was so important to MJ alive by continuing that message of hope and love for all.

So many of his great songs are performed, of course, as a rehearsal, so you don’t see his full-out performance of those songs. But the gift is you get to see a glimpse of what a true creative genius he was at music and how he worked very hard to create the ultimate experience for his fans. Because to MJ the performance, the music, the love and quality was the gift he wanted to give us. Very simply a wonderful and innocent gift that I as a MJ fan from long ago will cherish for as long as I can sing and dance to Thriller.

Until next time

m

Facing Fear

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About a year ago I wrote letters to a few people who had hurt me deeply. Those letters where terribly difficult to write, but so necessary for my continued journey.

I revisited those letters a few months ago and reading them made me realize just how healing getting those words out from my heart and onto paper was. Today while walking with a new friend the topic of writing a letter to someone you loved whom you may have lost by death or by divorce or by estrangement came up. How difficult it is to face those painful memories that darken your heart and prevent your movement through the healing continuum.

In speaking with this person, I encouraged her to write a letter she’d been wanting to write, but never got around to writing it.  That is the issue – not getting around to it means the fear is keeping you from facing it. From facing what it is that is blocking your progress in your journey.

Once I wrote my letters I put them away and then reread them later on. Every time I reread them I know that I have come so much farther than I could have ever imagined when I originally wrote them. I never sent those letters to their intended target, but just writing them removed a huge weight from my shoulders. It created a means by which the pathway to healing opened up on a whole new level.

I would encourage anyone who is facing a fear no matter what type of fear – to write a letter addressed to that fear. Then lock it up and put it away. Later take it out and reread it – and know that you will see progress. Then destroy that letter if you don’t want it to be found. I know I wrestled with that myself, but elected to keep them stowed away in a locked place for future use. Like a campfire!

So my dear friends, face your fears head on – don’t let them stand in your way of becoming the person you are meant to be. The person God wants you to be. To live the life God intended for you, not the one fear keeps you imprisoned in.

Until next time

M

Vacant Space

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Vacant Space

There was a time when life was full
and we were always running the race
but now after these long 3 years
my life has become this vacant space.

There was a time when life was busy
and we were always running the race
always looking for more time to spend
but now all that exists is vacant space.

There was a time when life was so right
and we took it all for granted;
believing the joy would never end
but now all that exists is vacant space.

There was a time when I laughed at your jokes
and cried when you were hurting;
knowing that I would always be your mom
and you would always be my daughter;
but now all that exists is vacant space.

There was a time when you showed me
what it means to live beyond your ability
To imagine the world as your own
but now all that exists is vacant space.

There was a time when I saw you die and;
knowing although you were with God
helped me to heal – though still all I know
is the place in my heart where you lived is
now all but a vacant space.

There is a time when I have to move on
a time when I have to choose to be more
than I have been, that shell of a vacant space;
Only now do I realize that the vacant space is
still filled with your love and your sweet face.

Peace to you my sweet little girl Brittany.

love mom

When You Hit The Wall – Again!

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I’m choosing to repost this because it is that time of year when I hit the wall and and I hit it hard. I go into protect mode and I withdraw from everything – why – because you don’t want to see it, feel it or touch it – it being the pain
I feel as each October comes and goes. I relive it all over and over again and in doing
so I hit the wall over and over again.

I had a lot to think about after watching “Love Happens” this past weekend. As you may recall from my blog post yesterday, this movie is about a guy who has lost his wife and after her death he writes a book. As the book becomes successful he goes out and conducts seminars with people who are stuck in the grieving process.

Again without taking too much from the ending, I wanted to address the real problem with getting stuck in grief from my own personal perspective.  I’m not a therapist, but I do know a little something about grief and about the various setbacks and progress one experiences during their journey.

Fear – what is it? Fear can be paralyzing. Fear can be deafening. Fear can be what I call the Wall. In the many books I’ve read over the past three years there seems to be a prevailing similarity between each author and that is they all experienced fear as a setback in their journey. But where does that fear come from. I believe it can start at the very core of who a person is. I also believe it can be from an experience so horrific it paralyzes you to the point that you feel as if any move you make will be the wrong one. You just can’t move forward. You don’t trust anyone. You don’t trust in life.

The Wall I am referring to is one I hit pretty early and I hit it hard. For the longest time I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t seem to move forward. Why after progressing so well in my journey did I suddenly come to a standstill? After seeing this movie I believe I finally understand why.

In the weeks before Brittany’s death we had just gotten the news that her epilepsy had progressively gotten worse and without reason. It rocked our world beyond belief. How could she have gotten a clean bill of health before going to Costa Rica and then return showing signs of new seizure activity. We just didn’t understand it. As a nurse I truly felt helpless.

On the eve of her death, she had called me at work saying one of her hands felt weird – like when she’s been on the computer too much. So I told her to call me in an hour if it wasn’t any better. She never did call me and when I got home a few hours later she said it was totally better. Then an hour later after watching some TV and talking on the phone to her boyfriend I found her having a grand mal seizure in the chair at her desk.

Her friend and I rushed to get her out of the chair and I administered the medication to bring her out of it. We hadn’t needed that medication in years. She hadn’t had a grand mal seizure in 4 years. The seizure activity she was experiencing to that date was all petit mal. Most of the time you would have never seen her have a seizure.

As a nurse, I knew something was not going right. This medication had stopped the activity years before, but not this time. So paramedics were called and they spend more valuable time arguing with me about whether or not she was still seizing. Seriously, why argue with a mother who, one was a nurse and two had been dealing with this child’s illness for 17 years. Seriously.

Once at the hospital, things grew progressively worse until she was admitted into Peds. ICU. And then she became increasingly unstable and in 12 hours the doctors told us there was nothing more they could do. So we had to make a decision to stop the attempts to resuscitate her. The most horrific moment in my life. Looking that doctor in the eye and telling him to stop CPR. I knew she would never recover. As a nurse I knew she’d be in a coma or a in vegetative state for the rest of her life. She had gone into multi-organ failure and there was nothing anyone could do. Except for God.

I prayed so hard earlier that night. Praying for God to heal or take her so she wouldn’t suffer anymore. Little did I know he would honor the second part of that prayer. I think in some small way I feel guilty about that. Maybe I didn’t have enough faith. Maybe because I said “or take her” that was a test of my faith and I failed miserably. I couldn’t even save my own daughter. I remember thinking “I’m a damn nurse and pediatric nurse and I can’t even save my own daughter.”

I wondered often in the months after her death if I’d missed something critical. Did I overlook some sign that I could have been more proactive. I tore myself up month after month asking God why. Why would he take her from me. Hadn’t I suffered enough. It took me a long while to get to a place where I knew it wasn’t about me. But it’s a place a lot of grieving parents get stuck.

The “Wall” I hit – the fear I succumbed to – finally took its toll on me physically and mentally. I felt I couldn’t stay in clinical practice any longer. I’m seriously. How could I expect to help save a life, when I couldn’t even save my own daughter’s life. Remembering I’m a pediatric nurse. I just couldn’t bring myself to work any longer in the job I loved – taking care of kids. I lived in fear every day that I would be presented with having to be involved in saving the life of a child and it would all come back to me. The fear was paralyzing.

Facing this fear has to be the first step in the recovery of grief. I hit the Wall of Fear and I hit it hard. So this meant I had to do some hard work. In fact, I’m still a work in progress, but with God’s help and the help of many friends, I have come a long way. But I have a long way to go. For grief stays with you forever. My daughter’s memory will be with me forever. The memory of that night however, I’d like to bury along with my fear.

Until next time

M

The Proposal

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*****   Warning this may be rough for you to read – proceed with caution ******

I went to the movies tonight with my best friend Denise. We started out the evening at Kona’s and then went off to watch the movie “The Proposal” with Sandra Bullock. She is one of my favorite actress. For most of the movie I laughed so hard I was near tears. So many funny moments in the movie. Betty White was hilarious. But there was a moment towards the end of the movie that sent me into a tailspin.

Now I know I have written about tailspins before, so it should come as no surprise to those of you who know me or have been reading my blogs that tailspins happen usually without any warning. What I didn’t anticipate was that it would come from a moment in this movie. A movie that up until that point was very funny.

It was the moment when the couple are back in NY at the office and she is packing up her office and he arrives. He begins to tell her how he feels about her and she interrupts and tells him that it wouldn’t work because life was better for her as it was. She stated that she had gotten used to being alone and having no one in her life. And I was stopped dead in my tracks and I stopped laughing and almost began crying. Because she said the words I feel now. Why I have chosen to push people away. Because it’s easier.

Then I started that downward spiral in my mind, trying to not make it very apparent to my friend sitting next to me that I was becoming very uncomfortable with what I was thinking. My mind began to race with thoughts of “that is so like me” “I don’t even know why I’m still here – alive” and “what is the point”. I shook it off and we went on our way to B&N for a coffee, but my friend noticed something wasn’t right. So I told her what I was thinking.

We talked off and on during our coffee, but it was what she said in the car ride back to my car that really solidified my true feelings about life. She said to me “do you ever think you’ll ever get to a point where you will feel whole again?” and I replied “no, a part of me died on October 13, 2006” “I will never be the same”. “There will always be a part of me that will be absent.” She dropped me off at my car and I again shook off the feeling so that it would be clear to her that I was ok.

But I am not ok. I will never be ok. I am just existing.

until next time

m

Hugs

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Today I heard on the news that hugs were very popular with the younger generation. I’m thinking, I am pretty fond of them myself. But what was so disturbing is that the school system mentioned in the piece was trying to stop hugs from happening. Seriously, I’m thinking to myself – “aren’t there more important things we should concerned about in our schools than students showing love and support for one another”? Shouldn’t we be focused on the students who are failing in school, or the bullying that occurs in our schools (that schools turn a blind eye to). Or maybe even the students who are coming to school hungry, with no clothes to wear or a place to live”.

But no, they are focusing on keeping students from hugging everyone. How incredibly stupid, insensitive and unbelievably idiotic it sounds. I do hope the school administrators where watching the evening news and I do hope that they saw how misguided their attempt sounds and that they will focus on the more important issues facing our  schools today.

I remember so vividly the hugs of my daughter Brittany. How my empty arms ache now at the absence of her. I never knew how much it meant to me, those snugly little hugs, until they were gone. I miss her so much it hurts, but I live on to continue her love and hopefully one day to love again.

I say – go out and hug someone today. Show kindness. Show love. Pay it forward. Ignore random acts of stupidity.

until next time,

M

A Moment of Reflection

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On Wednesday, May 20th my daughter’s high school, in particular the Class of 2009, honored us with a bench with a memorial plaque dedicated to our daughter Brittany. She was a student in the system since 2nd grade and died while a senior. She would have graduated in 2007.

Brittany's Memorial Bench

As I look back over the last few days I am so proud of what a legacy my daughter left for us to keep working on. She taught me so much as a mother, and she continues to teach me as I grieve the silence of her voice, the absence of her physical presence and the infectious laugh that I’ll never forget. She taught me that inspite of your difficulties you must see the glass as half full. Never half empty. Despite a life-long, chronic illness of Epilepsy and Crohn’s Disease she saw life as an adventure. But it wasn’t always that way.

It took her awhile to get to that level of maturity. It took meeting the best friend of her life, the love of her life and a trip to Costa Rica to learn what was important in life. I remember a conversation we had a few weeks before her passing when she was acting out some and I finally called her on it and I asked her “what’s going on”. We talked and she finally came out with what was bothering her.

She said, “mom, if Andy really knew me, he wouldn’t love me. If he knew I had all these problems he wouldn’t love me.” I looked at her sad face and gave her a big hug and then I told her, “Brittany, Andy loves you because of who you are not what you have. You are who you are because of these problems. These problems have provided the means for you to see the world like many other should see it, with a value on love, life and purpose. And that is why he loves you.” – she laughed and said “Thanks Mom” gave me a big hug and ran off. That was our last conversation about life.

until next time,

m