Unimaginable Grief Unexpected Blessings

I’m adding this comment as it has come to my attention that there are some people who read this blog that think this blog is about them. Well it is not. This is a blog about the grief journey of a mother who lost her daughter which profoundly changed her life and it is NOT about the other events that have gone on or are currently going on in my life.

I don’t have the time nor the energy to give that kind of drama a platform that will only encourage more of the same. This blog is simply my pain, my life and my journey and it belongs to no one else but me.  It’s about my grief journey only and nothing more. – mm

I have found over the past few years that I have become less tolerant of people who don’t walk the talk. Who portray themselves as good people but really prey on those who are vulnerable. Grieving people are very vulnerable because they lose their “sight” to who is real and who is fake.

When you are in the middle of the grieving process you see life through a clouded haze of pain. Even one, two, three and now four years later some days the fog is so dense I cannot see what is right in front of me. That is when I know that grief has it’s grip on my heart and I have to guard it carefully.

Thankfully I have been given the gift to understand one simple thing. And that is this – when you have been to hell and back numerous times – you see things differently. People can’t hurt you any more because you’ve already been hurt beyond belief by your loss. By how people treated you during and after your loss.

Avoidance is one of the most painful things a griever can experience during the early days. But it can also continue to haunt  you for the rest of your days. That is why it is critically important to surround yourself by “real” people. People who want to be with you because it’s the right thing to do. Not because it feels like a “responsibility” or because it’s the popular thing to do.

I’ve been blessed to have several people who have remainded close to me over these past four years and I cannot express enough my gratitude for that. For their companionship and simply their geniune caring has brought through some very tough nights. Always remembering what time of year it is and how hard the holidays can be for me. Never forgetting that she lived. She walked this earth and she made my life complete.

Then there are others who have walked into my life and walked all over it. They have shown their true colors by behaving in a way that is not worthy of my time. Seriously what is wrong with some people. To think they can manipulate and control people because they are weak or vulnerable – what gives anyone the right to do that to anyone? I’ll tell you nothing gives anyone that right.

The only person that has the control is you, me us – we can say no. No to the people who bring us down and yes to the people who encourage us, who lift us up when we are down and yes to the people to stand with us during the dark times. Everyone else can just move on.

until next time

m

Some of my readers might find this surprising and then again maybe not; but lately I’ve been feeling somewhat conflicted. Since my daughter’s death I have found that my source for strength has always been God. Especially in the early days of my journey, the bible and God’s word were comforting to me.

But lately I have been so busy with work, with life that I have not stopped long enough to refuel with what I know works. What has worked for me from the beginning of this journey; and that is God. The simple faith that I’m here on this earth for a reason. Not for me, but for the service to others.

My work has become all consuming lately and it’s going to get even worse now. It’s going to take a great deal of discipline for me to say no to certain people and spend more time alone so I can spend the time I need to refuel. Otherwise I will run out of gas. It has happened before so I know the feeling and I’m feeling it now.

I have also come to some understanding of who I am as a person, as a woman and as a child of God. This person is who I was meant to be and was told I couldn’t or shouldn’t be. Yet today it feels so right to know who I am. All these years living a life I was never intended to live has taken a toll on me.

So now I have a choice to move forward with this new outlook. But at what cost? Do I have enough strength to fight off the nay sayers and stand up for what I believe is right for me? I don’t know. But what I do know is that my simple faith is all that is required to move towards peace. And I choose peace.

until next time

m

Original Post November 2006

NOTE: This is a dark look inside my heart which is broken and laying before all to see.

According to the bible it’s ok to grieve. That you must go through the process and feel every, painful, lonely, empty, broken, worthless, and words I can’t even bare to describe, feeling in order to move forward.

How can we be excepted to weep freely, not holding it in and function on a daily basis? Better yet, how can you weep freely with joyful assurance that God is with us. Really. I tried that – it didn’t work so well. I read where you are not suppose to weep like one who has no hope. Again, I’d like to challenge that one.

I’m already tired of the “time will heal”, it’s gonna take more time – I QUIT!!!!!

There will never be a time when life will be ok. I don’t have any other children. I don’t have a boyfriend or spouse. I have many wonderful friends who are being so supportive – but my empty heart is because I no longer have a child that loves me unconditionally. That says she loves me with that great smile – it always made me feel like I could do anything. Now – I hear nothing but my own negative thoughts guided by the Devil.

It’s funny how you always feel the Devil around – but you don’t feel God that way. Why is that? These questions I will be looking into more. I have daily, hourly conversations with God about this – he’s yet to reply. I’m praying, I’m reading the bible and other materials. I’m watching biblical shows and listening to biblical music – yet still my thoughts run rampant thru the valley of darkness. When can I expect some light? I need some light. I need it soon.

I know this all sounds dark – it is. I’m in one of my darkest hours. I will be praying for God to show me something that I can hang onto. I need that now.

Please continue to pray for me while I battle this out. I expect to come out much stronger, but with less of a love for life. For my reason to love life is gone.

until later,

mal

So that was a glimpse of where I stood four years ago – just a few weeks after the death of my daughter. As I read back through that post I saw several things. One was a mother in deep anguish over the loss of her daughter. I saw a woman of faith reaching out to feel, smell, touch, sense God’s presence. But I also saw someone who even in the midst of such suffering could tell that there was hope.

I’m not exactly sure where or how I made it through some of those first few weeks. I do know that God was present. He had to be, because I couldn’t see beyond the tears that fell constantly. My vision clouded by pain and sorrow. On some days I wasn’t sure God was even listening. But in looking back over some of my posts from that time, I know for sure He was there lifting me up. Carrying me through that valley of darkness.

Now as I move through this time of year I am reminded of how far I have come. This on-line blog/journal has been my life line, my constant reminder of hope. It has shown me over and over how far I have come in just four short years. But I am also reminded that I still have that empty space. That hole in my heart. I don’t think that will ever change. I know that because when I allow myself to go there – it’s painful.

The loss is still profound in my life. Make no mistake. I’m not saying it’s all good now, because it is not. It’s just better. I feel it’s like “coasting” through life and every now and again, I hit a pot hole “painful moment” or a brick wall “grief like no other” and then I am reminded I have to stay true to what I know and believe has got me this far and that is my faith.

Until next time,

m

November is upon us and again I enter another month of what I call the dark days. November is tough for me because it’s the beginning of the holiday season. When families come together and celebrate families. A time to be grateful for our country and its founding fathers and a time to be thankful we are still here to see the wonders of what we have been able to live through and survive as a country.

Now I can link you to several blogs about the horrific conditions in some other countries where things are horribly worse. But this blog is about grief, gratitude, blessings in the midst of that. So I am very mindful that there are much worse things  than what I have experienced. But again that is not what this blog is about. It’s about life-changing, life-altering devastation. And the means by which you can and will survive it.

It is also about how you can help someone else in need. Someone who has suffered a loss that has changed them, changed their life – and it’s our job to validate that change and speak to that change in a way that is not disrespectful of their loss. It has always been my goal from the beginning of this blog that it would be of help to someone. Whether it be the person who has lost or the support system who is helping them move through the process of grief.

The holidays are a very hard time for us grievers. I find I get very melancholy this time of year. I get moody and sometimes withdrawn because I don’t want to impose my grief onto others. But for me November is a tough month. It comes on the heels of October, the month of her death and it ends on her birthday. Sigh. She would be turning 22 on this November 30th. It’s hard for me to some days imagine what she would look like now. How much more beautiful she would have become had her light not been snuffed out by Epilepsy.

So if I seem a little distant – do not worry. It’s normal this time of year for me to take a step back and spend time alone. It’s how I process such a loss as mine. The emptiness in my heart, forever void and painfully exists to remind me of what a great woman I know she would have become and the great young woman she was. God gave me such a gift and I am forever grateful for his blessing called Brittany.

until next time

m