Sunday – June 24, 2007

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Hope everyone has had a great weekend. It’s been rainy here, but we needed it. Not much else to report. I watched Resurrection Life Church 11:30 service on the internet this morning. Ken Reynolds was leading the music. I sure do miss that choir and that church. There is such a presence of God in that big building. It stuck me the first time and every Sunday I was there. I haven’t been able to find that yet here. The one church I have been attending regularly here is pretty good. It’s going to be difficult to match the excellence and spiritual love that was felt at Reslife. I saw some friends there when the camera closed in on them. Made me a bit sad because I miss them too. But God is doing wonderful things in that church and my friends need to be right where they are.

I pray for guidance with where I’m suppose to be now too. I’m also praying for healing. My back is still in bad shape. The MRI showed a lot of scar tissue at the surgical site and has encased the nerve causing my pain. Now my ankle and foot are cooler today than than the other ankle and foot. I only get relief when I lie down. Otherwise it’s 10 of 10 on the pain scale. All my fellow nurses know what that means.!!! I’m suppose to get an injection of steriods on Friday. Praying for grace and healing to make it that far. Or perhaps – not needing it at all.

until next time,

mercedes

Entry for June 19, 2007

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I’m keeping busy, working on a few projects I wanted to get done. It finally rained here this morning. It’s been very hot and dry. Today was my day off and it was very nice.

I getting an MRI tomorrow on my back – yes – I hurt it again. My right leg as been numb and tingly for the past week. Pray for healing. I appreciate all of your concerns and just wanted you all to know I’m doing ok. I’m finally learning it’s ok to grieve on my own terms, not everyone else’s.

Until next time,

mercedes

Reunion Heart

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I’ve been reminded these past few days that Brittany was a gift to me, even if it was only 17-1/2 years. And, that I should see it that way. To be grateful for God sending her to me. Truly I am grateful for her. She taught me so much. She endured pain most of her life. She was sent here to make me a better person. To change who I was and where my life was going.

I remember how I felt when she first got sick at 11 months of age. I thought I would die if she didn’t make it. Now I know it was God’s intention all a long to keep her here with me until I learned what I needed to learn. She lived her life to the fullest despite many obstacles. When she was younger she didn’t understand why people treated her so mean or why they didn’t understand her or accept her. But as she became older, especially towards the last few years of her life, she came to accept that she was who she was and that was OK! Through that she smiled even though she didn’t feel like it.

She was bullied most of her school days, yet smiled everyday and entered school with a new attitude. When I think back now on all of these times when she pressed on. I too, am learning that I need to press on and not give up. To smile everyday, despite not wanting to. To try and live the best life I can. Even though it’s hard to imagine life going on without her.

Does it make me less sad, no. But it gives me hope. She taught me so much, that was her job. One day at a time, I will keep going towards my new life. Never to forget she lived. Today I found something unique for the scrapbook I’m working on:

The Reunion Heart

Since Heaven has become your home
I sometimes feel I’m so alone;
and though we now are far apart
you hold a big piece of my heart.

I never knew how much I’d grieve
when it was time for you to leave,
or just how much my heart would ache
from that one fragment you would take.

God lets this tender hole remain
reminding me we’ll meet again,
and one day all the pain will cease
when He restores this missing piece.

He’ll turn to joy my every tear
with thoughts of you I hold so dear,
and they’ll become my special way
to treasure our Reunion Day.

author unknown.


It came with a silver heart that has a hole in it. This poem speaks to how I feel to a “T”. I couldn’t have written it any better.

until next time,

mercedes

Sadness

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Sadness

where have the happy times gone
why don’t you hear me when I cry
the tears fall but no one knows

my heart is broken, yet it still works
meaningless activity fills my day
getting by day by day filled by sorrow
the loneliness is deafening

i’ve never known such pain
it envelopes me over and over
never ceasing, always present
in every moment, all day long
into the lonely night

why don’t you hear me when I cry
the tears fall but no one knows
i ask for help, but none appears
i plea for a way out, yet there is none

i’m filled with such sadness
when will it end, it’s hard to
breathe, pressing in from
all sides until i’m breathless

can you hear it?

my heart is fading

can you hear it?

the quiet sorrow

can you hear it?

until next time?

m

My Faith

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Today I heard a sermon that I needed to hear!

In the past few months my faith has taken a back seat. As I listened to the pastor at my GR church, I realized that I have let the devil take over my life in some areas. Most importantly my faith. My faith was beginning to take a downward turn. My outlook was getting dimmer and less optimistic. All because my faith had lost it’s voice.

I never understood just how much my church meant to my faith building. Being in the presence of believers with strong faith and charismatic praise has had a huge impact on me, especially during the first months after Brittany’s death. It was how I made it through every minute of every day. I surrounded myself with my fellow church members.

Now I’m in a new church – possibily looking for someplace else, but sorely lacking that support. Without that support, the devil has crept back in like the snake he is, and took advantage of my current circumstances.

This is what I was reminded of and believe I must do to receive healing:

Faith must have a voice!

Mark 11:23 “…whoever says to this mountain, be lifted up and thrown into the sea! and does not doubt at all in his heart but believes that what he says will take place. it will be done for him.”

Believe

Mark 11:24 “For this reason I am telling you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe (trust and be confident) that it is granted to you, and you will receive it.”

Forgive

Mark 11:25 “…if you have anything against anyone, forgive him and let it drop, in order for that your Father who is in heaven may also forgive you.”

Mark 11:22-26 is such an important passage for me and for anyone going through a tough time. I have looked the other way for too long and must get back on track. My life depends on it.

I am praying that God will help me to get back on tract so that I can live a balanced, victorious life.

until next time,

m

Nothing New

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Haven’t written any thing lately. Not much has changed and I don’t have much to say. The grief is still present and it hurts just as much. But I know everyone is tired of hearing about it. Frankly I’m tired of thinking about it. It’s my fate to be here in this time and to live on despite my grief. I have to learn to live with it in my way. It’s too painful to think about let a lone talk about.

When people ask me “do you have any children” I just nod and say yes. I was saying “I did, but she passed on” – well they just get embarrased and I politely change the subject. It’s easier to just say yes and change the subject. I never knew how painful a question could be – yet it is so innocent. People just want to know you.

I believe I’m becoming more hardened and most likely will not let love back in my life again. Loss has been a major part of my life and I’m tired of experiencing it.

I have decided to close down my blog in the next week or so. I know everyone has moved on. And they are ready for me to move on.

I’ll just pretend.

until next time,

mercedes

Nice Compliment

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Well as I anticipated the graduation ceremony was difficult, but it was a nice compliment to my daughter. I was grateful for the words one of her classmates read. I hope it reminded the graduates of the importance of acceptance. Brittany was truly a class act and I hope her classmates will not forget the words spoken that day or those similar words at her celebration of life. I am reminded daily of the joy she brought and the desire to make others happy. That’s all she truly wanted in life. Very simple, but not many young people get it.

until next time,

mercedes

Tomorrow Will Be Tough

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Tomorrow is my daughter’s graduation ceremony from high school. I was just informed that the VP wants to present us with an honorary diploma. I am planning to attend, but that will be tough. I’m not sure I got enough nerve to accept it. I know just attending will be more than I can bare. But for her I need to do it. I was asked why I would want to go and I said that here at my hometown, no one’s life has been impacted by her passing, but for her friends, her teacher, her classmates, and those who knew her – it’s one last time to honor her and to remember her. It makes me feel better to know that others have not forgotten her. It feels that way here in Indy.

Keep me in your prayers as I journey through this event with as much grace as I can. I’m praying for monumental grace and peace!

until next time,

malissa

Fighting a Bad Cold

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Happy Thursday!

I ‘ve been battling a cold now for a few days. It’s basically kicking my butt. I’m hoping it’s gone by the weekend.

Went to the Indy Qualifications at Speedway last weekend. Haven’t done that in a long while. My friend Julie came down to spend time with me. You know, Mother’s Day weekend and all. I was glad she came, even though I had tried to talk her out of coming. Having her here did keep my mind off of missing my girl, but as usual, it creeps back in and takes a hold of me like nothing ever has.

Then I get an email from a family member that her daughter hasn’t come home. She says that she was feeling bad about things and on Mother’s Day was feeling down, and then she remembered me. Thinking how bad I must be feeling. I told her that I think what she is going through is far worse. I know without a doubt my daughter is safe and healthy in God’s arms. I wouldn’t want to be worried about where she was or who she was with. I can’t imagine having that worry. I did with Brit, but now I don’t. In all of my grief, I have to hold onto the positives – however they come.

In my grief, I do find comfort when I think of how she is doing or what she is experiencing. Then if I begin to think about me and how her absence is effecting me, then I get truly sad and don’t want to continue on. Don’t see the reason to. So that is why I choose to keep my thoughts on other things, but sometimes, I just don’t get a choice.

Keep praying for me, as I continue to battle finding my purpose!

Pray for my family too!

until next time,

mercedes