Don’t Ya Wanna Know

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1: WHAT MADE YOU SMILE YESTERDAY? my patients

2: WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT 8 THIS MORNING? still sleeping – it’s my day off

3: WHAT WERE YOU DOING 15 MINUTES AGO? paying my bills

4: SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED TO YOU IN 1995? i was probably in the midst of a nervous breakdown – Senior level nursing classes – need i say more!

5: LAST THING YOU SAID ALOUD? Thank you Jesus!

6: HOW MANY DIFFERENT THINGS DID YOU DRINK TODAY? hot tea and water

7: WHERE IS YOUR BEST FRIEND(s) RIGHT NOW? at the hairsalon working her butt off

8: WHAT COLOR IS YOUR TOOTHBRUSH? i can’t keep up – it changes too frequently – do we really have to know that?

9: LAST THING YOU BOUGHT? dog collar for my new puppy Grace

10: LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY? a book

11: WHAT COLOR IS YOUR FRONT DOOR? ugly fake wood grain

12: WHERE DO YOU KEEP YOUR CHANGE? in a pick me up coffee mug

13: WHAT’S THE WEATHER LIKE TODAY? sunny and frigid

14: BEST ICE CREAM FLAVOR? chocolate almond

15: SOMETHING YOU ARE EXCITED ABOUT? moving back home and reconnecting with my family

16: LAST RAINBOW YOU SAW? my feeble brain can’t recall

17: WHAT SIZE SHOE DO YOU WEAR? don’t laugh – 5-1/2

18: DO YOU HAVE ANY SISTERS? 2 1/2 sisters

19. ARE YOU VERY RANDOM? more than i’d like to admit

20: DO YOU WANT TO CUT YOUR HAIR? no – for the first time!

21: ARE YOU OVER THE AGE OF 25? way over – how about double! Yikes! Time flies by when you are not paying attention

22: DO YOU TALK A LOT? it’s been said – yes – but what do they know -lol

23: DO YOU WATCH THE OC? what? no who wrote this? how about us older folks – Grey’s Anatomy!!!

24: DOES YOUR SCREEN NAME HAVE AN ‘’ X ‘’ IN IT? should it? NO

25: DO YOU KNOW ANYONE CALLED STEVE? yes

26: DO YOU MAKE UP YOUR OWN WORDS? every chance I get

27: ARE YOU TICKLISH? that’s for me to know and no one else – ha

28: ARE YOU TYPICALLY A JEALOUS PERSON? been there done that – it never really worked! now i’m older and wiser!

29: NAME A FRIEND WHOSE NAME STARTS WITH THE LETTER “J”: Julie – otherwise known as angel

30: NAME A FRIEND WHOSE NAME STARTS WITH AN “A”: amy

31: 4TH PERSON ON YOUR MISSED CALLS? Kate

32: WHAT DID THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE YOU RECEIVED SAY?: Hey Girly, thank you for the call……I’m ok, Luv Ya! Linda

33: DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS? only the ones in a fun and sassy cocktail

34: DO YOU HAVE CURLY HAIR? no

35: WHAT IS THE NEXT CONCERT YOU’RE GOING TO? MJB, Melissa Ethrige, Mellencamp

36: WHO IS THE COOLEST PERSON IN YOUR LIFE? Jesus

37: WHAT PHRASE DO YOU SAY A LOT? Holy Guacamole – Oh MY Gosh ! Do I really say that alot? Stop it now!

38: WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Raisin Nut Brain and a mini bagel

39: HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE DONNIE DARKO? who – that would be NO

40: DO YOU HAVE WORK TOMORROW? yes

41: EVER BEEN HUNTING? no

42: IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE? been there done that – it isn’t in my cards

43: WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID “I LOVE YOU” AND MEANT IT?
last words to my daughter before she died 😦

44: WHAT SHOULD YOU BE DOING RIGHT NOW? taking way too much time answering this – i have a lunch date in 45 minutes

45: DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME? mercedes – don’t ask how i got it.

46: DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT? yes – just hasn’t happened to me

47. ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER? just the opposite – so be quiet!

48: LAST TIME YOU USED A SKATEBOARD? just before my hip replacement – not! lol

49: Last movie you watched? Because I said so with Diane Keaten

50: WHAT KIND OF CELLPHONE DO YOU HAVE? samsung

53: WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? my sweet daughter brittany – may you rest in peace!

Stuff

Grief Blessings1 Comment

Today I was going through some pictures and so many memories came flooding back about Brit. Just the emptiness I felt was unbelievable. I don’t think I have cried that hard in a few months. Do you know what it’s like to feel your heart hurt? I have some idea of how it may feel to have a heart attack. The pain part!

Again, I say that I know she is dancing and celebrating being in the presence of our awesome God and I cannot deny that it must be wonderful for her. For the first time, she is truly free of all the suffering and pain she had to endure over the past 15+ years. I’m grateful that she had such a love for God and a willingness to share it with everyone she met. Despite the many trials and tribulations she everyday of her life. Even today, she still has an influence of good will, even though she is not here physically – her story and the stories told by her friends continue her practice of love for God and everyone she met.

If all of us could learn how to treat one another as well as my girl did, well – we’d be seeing a lot less bad news on the TV and a lot more good news!

until next time,

mercedes

Update

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It’s been a while – so much has been going on and I haven’t had much to say. The snow here is endless and it’s so cold. But Spring must be coming soon. Right?

It’s now approaching 5 months since my girl went to her heavenly home. It’s seems like yesterday some days and some days it seems like forever since I have seen her. I miss her so – I find it is really better to just not think about it. When I do it is hard to breathe. It’s hard to imagine life without that funny girl keeping me laughing and always entertaining me with her dancing or singing. I have a great video of her from last summer with her friend Carolyn – singing and dancing. It’s the way I want to remember her most. Happy and carefree!

She is by far the best thing I’ve ever done in my life. The emptiness is hard to bare, but I do it because I have to. I don’t cry as often, I don’t wail as often, I don’t think of her as often, but I miss her like there is no tomorrow. I think that is because she was so much a part of my life. My life centered around her. Everything I did, I did with her in mind.

Now I must move on to the next chapter in my life. I am moving back to my hometown. Back with family. Start my new life. Whatever that is suppose to be I don’t know, I just know it can’t be where I am now. It’s just too painful to be here.

until next time,

mercedes

Every Parent’s Wish

Grief Blessings2 Comments

The other day I got a message to see a post on one of my daughter’s friends myspace blog site. So I went and took a look and what a blessing to see what I did:

just a small part…..

“Brittany was without a doubt, the most amazing friend anyone could EVER even imagine. …..She had the biggest heart, and unlimited love for everyone. And she touched a lot of people’s lives and hearts.

She taught me a lot about life, in a short amount of time. The most important thing she taught me, and inspired me to do is to just be yourself. She was her own person, and she didn’t care what anyone else thought, and she was confident, something I’m not sure a lot of us wish we were. Another thing she taught me is make others happy, and you will soon find happiness within yourself. She had a natural ability to make others happy without even having to try. …..she touched my life and I know I will never forget her.”

As a parent I can’t tell you how proud I was to read this. On so many levels, proud she had was such a blessing to so many of her friends; proud she found peace within herself to be so confident; proud to know God’s influence on how she lived her life was more prominent that I ever knew and lastly; proud that her friends are still thinking so passionately of her 4 months later.

This one statement truly says it all – it’s advice that this world could use a lot more of:

“…she taught me is make others happy, and you will soon find happiness within yourself. She had a natural ability to make others happy without even having to try”

Until next time,

m

Why

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I ask myself daily why I continue to feel like she left me yesterday. This walk in grief is strange even though I have walked it before. Even as much as I can explain to you all how I feel, I can’t even become close to accurately describing the continual sense of emptiness and sadness I experience every day. Some days I can talk about her and laugh. Some days I can’t talk without crying.

I wish I could find a way to stop hurting so much.

until next time,

m

Entry for February 18, 2007

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Went to 3 services a church today – that would be a record for me. But Joyce Meyer was the speaker and I just couldn’t miss out on that.

Her message was different at each service, but yet connected to the same topic: Love

Challenged us as christians to love more and preach less esp to our kids and to those who are in need. Living by example and loving people will bring people to God far more than “in your face” preaching.

So tomorrow when you wake up think to yourself – “how can I be a blessing today?” not what can I do for myself. Your life will be blessed many times over for blessing others.

Case in point – someone I work with I believe has this attitude – she sets the bar very high for us when it comes to “being a blessing”. Each holiday or sometimes when I truly need a blessing – she is always there. Leaves little gifts at my locker. Can I tell you – she always knows when I really need something – it’s the gesture really – not the gift. I could be having the worst day and then – there will be this little “blessing” gift she leaves me at the end of the day that just makes me forget about my troubles – even for a short time.

She doesn’t do it for me, she does it for some many people we work with. I can’t imagine who else she does it for in her community or family. What an example to set for the rest of us.

Thanks Shelly!

God Bless You!

God Bless Everyone!

until next time – go out and give somebody in need some love,

mercedes

GriefShare

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Thursday I went to see my counselor and then onto my GriefShare Class. Very exhausting day and evening. I really didn’t have anything left to give after that. The counselor said I was where I should be and to stop being so hard on myself. I told her I was venturing into strange territory when it came to moving forward. To me it means taking care of someone I’ve never taken care of…..ME. I really don’t know what to do. I’ve always cared for others, family, husband, daughter, but never me. I’ve not really lived alone for very long. Memory serves me right, I never really cared for it then and I certainly didn’t make some good choices. Now I am faced with that again, and I don’t like it much.

The GriefShare class was on losing a child. huhhhhh – well that was very difficult to sit through. I cried when the video spoke of what losing a child means….

Things you won’t do…..

see the future as you once dreamed
see her graduate college or even high school
see her get married
see her have children
see her, feel her, hear her…..

again I say – BLAH!

until next time,

m