Category: grief journey

Merry Christmas

Today I chose to write about what Christmas means to me today in comparison to what it meant to me as a little girl many years ago.

I remember many Christmas as a young girl, that gifts under the tree were sparse. My mom was single mother of six children. She worked many jobs just to keep us together as a family. She never took money from sources, other than family, she was a proud mother. She did what she could to provide for us and most importantly to keep us from being separated.

There were times when the state threatened to separate us because we had no money for food and moved a lot. We lived in downtown Indianapolis until I was in about 4th grade. There is so much more about this story, but I’ll save this for another day.

The one thing I do want to say is that Christmas to me growing up was about family and about being together. It wasn’t so much about the gifts. Now my grandmother she always made sure we had gifts under tree, especially when mom couldn’t.  Christmases at my grandmothers and great-grandmother’s houses were – well they were just amazing

When I say family I mean extended family. Every Thanksgiving and Christmas family would come from all over to gather at the Wisehart house for holiday dinner and fellowship. Aunts and uncles, cousins (1st, 2nd and 3rd), grandparents and great grand parents, moms and dads (well except my dad).

We would sit around and eat so much food until we were about to burst. My great grandmother’s Butterscotch Pie was to die for. No one to this date has ever been able to make it the same way she did. I miss those days so much.

Then there was the Christmas’s during my 18 year marriage and life with my sweet Brittany. It was my new tradition. Yes, we did visit my great grandmother’s until those events stopped. Eventually it became too much for her. And after my mom died our family virtually fell apart. So we all had to create our own traditions.

So for 18 years Christmas meant getting up and watching Brittany open up her gifts and jumping for joy. When we were with her father’s family we would hear the Christmas Story from the book of Matthew in the New Testament. You see it was very important to us that Brittany new and understood the true meaning of Christmas. That it wasn’t always about the gifts – however it sure was a lot of fun.

Now I find Christmas to be one of the loneliest days of my life. The people in my life that created all those memories are gone. First my great-grandfather, then my mother, my grandmother, my grandfather, my great-grandmother and most recently my daughter. Just thinking about it makes me cry out in anguish. But then I remember….

The real meaning of Christmas. I would encourage you to read the Book of Matthew in the New Testament. It talks about the wonder of Jesus’ birth – the real reason we celebrate Christmas – it talks about his life – it provides us the way to live our lives – it speaks of His death and His resurrection.

His resurrection is the reason I keep believing that there is a reason I am here and why I keep moving forward one day at a time. Because the resurrection assures me that I will see the family that has gone on before me. The family that helped to create  my Christmas memories early in my life and late in my life; I miss them so much – especially my dear sweet Brittany.

Today is a day to celebrate the birth of Jesus – to remember that God so loved the world that He gave His only son – Jesus.

“Look! The virgin will conceive a child! She will give birth to a son and they will call Him Immanuel which means God is with us.” – Matthew 1:23 (NLT edition)

Merry Christmas my friends because even in the midst of our grief there is hope.

until next time

m

Sunday night while attending a Christmas party at my church we were asked to pray for a few of our leaders who happen to be experiencing some very difficult circumstances.

So as we grouped into little huddles to pray for these fellow leaders a sound began to rumble throughout the room of about 100 people. All praying separately for the same people. I know in my group lifting them up to God in hopes that He would wrap His arms around them and give them the strength to get through this tough time.

As we finished, a picture entered my head that was just mind blowing. I just envisioned a flood of light with so many faces, voices, tears, prayers going up into the sky for God to taken in and hear, to feel and to bless.

I was so moved by this vision that I became so cold and shook my head and thought to myself – “wow – that clearly was a picture of prayer like I’ve never seen”. Now you have to know that prayer has never been an easy thing for me. I just finished a class on the power of prayer and still I walked away feeling unsure about it.

Growing up as a child prayer was memory work, repetitive scriptures, liturgical regurgitation at best. But now, my walk with God means I talk with God. I don’t just see it as praying, but I have moments when I just talk to God, as if He was right here beside me in my living room. To me I believe that is when I have the most incredible insight given to me.

Insight that gives me the kind of hope that it takes to keep on living this life that I so clearly don’t want to do somedays. Grief makes life incredibly hard to take. There are days when it makes absolutely no sense. Then other days when I spend more time with God and He clearly shows me that while I can’t make any sense of my daughter’s death, I can make sense of her life and what she came to do.

That I can keep going and know that one day it will all be revealed. So for now I have to settle for spending quiet time with God and have my conversations with Him when I need to feel that I matter. Because at the end of the day – when I look in the mirror and see what I see – a broken-hearted mother – I can also see someone that God loves and wants good things for.

So “What Does Prayer Look Like?” – it looks like love, peace, joy and blessings.

until next time

m

In the best of times….I still cry for you.
Memories are so very present now
this Holiday season…..I still cry for you.

In the best of times…I still cry for you.
Just the simplest of actions drop me to my knees
this Holiday season….I still cry for  you.

In the best of times….I still cry for you.
Remembering your funny comments and
your love of Blues Clues Joke book.
this Holiday season..l..I still cry for you.

In the best of times….I still cry for you.
Watching video of you as a little girl and
as a young woman singing with such joy.
this Holiday season….I still cry for you.

In the best of times….I still cry for you.
I’m so proud of what you accomplished
in your short life, but realizing what you
could have accomplished had you lived.
this Holiday season….I still cry for you.

In the best of times….I still cry for you.
In the worst of times….I long for you.
In this Holiday season….I still cry for you.

In the best of times….I still cry for you.
in my dreams I remember your love
in my dreams I remember your laughter
in my dreams I remember your gifts
but most of all this Holiday season….I still cry for you.

until next time

m

Hope in the midst of grief.

A video that was posted to my church’s website 6 months after her death. It was done to show how much her love of God shinned even through the toughest of times. And how I, even today, have carried that amazing love of God and strength to continue on.

Yes, it is difficult. Yes, at times I feel like I just want to die. Yes, I wish I could have her back again – right now. But as I said in the video then and still believe today that I know I will see her again and that is how I get through each and every minute of each and every day.

The love my daughter had for life despite being chronically ill most of her life still astounds me. I don’t know that I could have been that strong that young. But then again as I look back on my life. I too was a very strong young woman having endured many of life’s hard knocks.

But I am here today to tell you life does go on. Some days aren’t as pretty as others, and some days it seems as though I have taken a huge step backwards in my grief. But I know I have come far and I am still evolving into my “new normal”. The life God wants to me to have now.

Praying for guidance and for God to light my path because the dark days come and go. Knowing that He is with me has given me the lift I need each time to make it one more day. One day I will see my girl again and it will have all been worth it. All the pain, tears, sorrow and grief – will all be wiped away and there will be no more of it. God’s word assures me of that.

until next time

m

I am reposting this entry after having a heartfelt discussion with one of my brothers – this hits home about the importance of validation. At the end of the day – that’s all that really matters – knowing we are loved no matter what. That spending time with the ones you love and treasure validates their existence. It says “you matter to me”.

Validate human life by acknowledging one’s existence at that moment in time. – unknown

I’m not sure where I read this or heard this quote but today I wanted to speak to this issue of validation. It’s been in my mind a lot lately and I need to release this out there.

Susan Duke wrote about what memories mean to a grieving soul. I have read her book “Grieving Forward” so many times, I think there are some parts I know by heart. She speaks about how memories of our loved one are vital to the healing process. But guess what – memories are just that – memories. You can’t see them, feel them, touch them, hug them – you can only recall – it’s what you chose to do with that memory that’s important.

That’s where validation comes in. Validation is acknowledging that something or someone exists or existed. Validation that our loved one existed allows us to create some sense of “yes, I really did have that person in my life” – and even though they are gone, you are the person you have become because of having that person in your life.

Validation is a gift we give one another to acknowledge that we care. We may not know what to say or we may not know what to do; but we can come and walk along with our grieving friends and family. Being there and present speaks volumes to a grieving person. Until you have walked in a grieving person’s shoes you will never know just how much validating their loved one means to their healing.

Think of validation as your gift to them.

until next time,

m

As I look back at each poem I’ve written and each blog post I’ve posted; I am reminded that this journey is far from over – yet I have traveled a great distance.

The poetry from my heart allows my soul to bleed until the wound heals and love can bloom again. I find writing has been a means by which I can open up my heart and let it bleed out it’s pain. With each drop as it hits the page reflects the parts of my pain that permeates my soul.

My heart bleeds more this time of year, perhaps it’s because it is the holiday season or perhaps it is my season of grieving that will always come and go like the seasons. It always begins in September and ends in January. But there seems to be something a little different this year.

There seems to be a little more anger in my heart this year. This has been a year of finding my purpose – of figuring out why I am here. I seemed to be asking God a lot about why did He left me here when everything that mattered to me had been taken away. For what purpose could my existence make any sense.

Then I read Dr. John Terveen’s book “Hope for the Brokenhearted”. His words were my words. His thoughts were my thoughts. It was if I was walking on his path. I felt as if I had found a comrade in arms, a soldier of grief to stand by me, even if it was in book form.

He wrote about something that I find difficult to convey to others but necessary for others to know. He pointed out that after sustaining such a loss, like the loss of a child, going on with the normal affairs of life seem less interesting. The things that brought us joy no longer do. The color has been removed from our lives.

I have found that my life continues to be very “black and white” – very little color remains. Some days color comes back for brief moments. But soon the desire to recoil back into my cocoon of life returns and I am back living my black and white life. It’s just easier that way.

What Dr. Terveen speaks of is that Jesus’ return should be the hope that we hang onto and believe that it should challenge us to live again. The love again. To have faith and hope again that joy can return to our lives. This is how we honor our loved one’s memory.

“God leads people in different ways to embrace life anew, but those ways invariably will involve the demonstration of genuine faith, love and hope.” – Dr. Terveen

So as I struggle this holiday season, I have to focus on embracing life otherwise life will just become a fragmented poem with no meaning. A poem that cries but has no tears. A story that has a title but no content.

Until next time

m

I have been reading some of my previous posts from the past three years and this one stood out to me. I am astounded that I was able to see this with such clarity only after a few short months after Brittany died.

I believe it bears repeating….

Some thing’s to ponder….

Instead of asking why I can’t have something…ask – why do I have so much?

When God comes he will destroy the earth by fire…everything you have will be gone – even your 401K!

How can you use what you have to further the ministry of God?

The life you live today is an audition for your role in heaven!

in other words….

Those you touch today will be who receives you in heaven.

My question for you is:

Don’t you want to have millions of people at your reception party in heaven?

Think about that as you begin your week- how can you serve our God with the possessions you have been given. Who can you help today? Whose life can you make better or whose face can you put a smile on? These things are what we have been commanded to do in the name of our Father in heaven. These are the treasures you are storing up in heaven and will make your entry into heaven a glorious day indeed.

My daughter lived by this example everyday that I knew her…now how can I not smile knowing she has made God smile for her work done here on earth.

until next time,

m

So often I find myself looking back at my life and wondering how the heck did I get this far. In learning about grief recovery I have found on my own journey that it doesn’t pay to look back. I have to look forward.

By looking forward I mean I have to keep my eye on the future. The road my life is taking, not the road it has taken. When I keep myself focused on the now and the future, my life goes along pretty well. But when I let myself think back, look back I begin to want to go back. And I cannot.

Some days going back is all I want to do. I think that one day I will wake up and the bad dream of the past three years will be over and life will be as it was. I sit and cry out to God and ask “please can I just have a do over”? I just want my life back. The one where I knew how to be a mom, I knew how to be a nurse, I knew how to make decisions, I knew how to breathe – I knew how to live.

Now I struggle with knowing what to do, or what to say or how to live. Some days I struggle with finding the strength to breathe. But then I remember that God has a plan for me. That plan is unfolding before my eyes. I have to be in the present to realize it. Or it will pass me by and I’ll never see it. Or at least to the degree that God wants me to.

Being present means not looking back longingly at a life once lived. That doesn’t mean I can’t look back and remember the good times. It just means that keeping my eye on the future is how I am going to fulfill the plan God has for me. A plan that I know involves bringing some type of meaning to the huge loss in my life. The emptiness that resides in my heart – may one day be filled again.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. (Jeremiah 29:11-13)

I believe this scripture is one of many that have given me hope throughout these past three years. I have relied so often on my bible and the Word – but mostly on my quiet time with God when I tell Him how grateful I am that I have come this far. And that I am grateful for how far I have yet to go.

until next time

m

I was recently invited to write a story for More.com. I am so excited to share it with you and hope it brings you some joy and peace this holiday season.

until next time

m

Holidays and Grief – MORE Magazine.