Category: grief journey

Life

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I have come to realize that life can be filled with so many levels of emotions and all within a nano second of each other.

One minute I am happy and having a fun time, and then smack, I am thinking of something and I just get so overwhelmingly blue. I cried my self to sleep last night. Because I miss her so much and I have no one to even come close to sharing that type of affection to or with. Human nature needs that closeness. But I wonder too if I had it would it be enough to sustain me.

I know God gives me enough peace to breathe, but it not enough to feel physical relief. Now I must go on knowing someday I’ll have that again.

I’ve come to realize that I stay so busy in order to not feel the pain. It works for the most part. Not always, but it’s beginning to fail me now. It’s clear to me I have to work on my faith that God will take all my pain and sorrow and provide comfort in every area. I’m still working on that. I haven’t gotten there and I know I will – keep praying for me.

As I begin my new chapter in this life of mine, I pray for guidance to make the right choices, peace to sustain me while I live without my daughter, hope that I will see her again soon.

until next time,

m

Tug of War

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How can I continue to grieve and yet find an occasion to smile?

Isn’t that like a “conflict of interest”?

Some times the grief hangs out lurking for opportune moments to reach out an smack me down!

I sit here looking out a beautiful picture window at a very peaceful landscape and I’m reminded – she has been here with me before. She should be here now. She should be having the time of her life here. She should be hanging with Carolyn and Courtney and ANDY! She should be getting ready for Prom like all her friends. She should be getting ready for college. She should be!

But she is not!

Tell me – how do you make sense out of it. And move forward.

If I look at it from a human perspective – it makes no sense! Not in any way!

But from a spiritual side – it makes absolute sense! She is healed and having the time of her life in heaven with God.

That’s my hope!

But the ache is still aching.
The tears still come hard.
The loneliness is ever present.
The quiet is deafening.


Can you hear it? Can you hear my cries for help? Can you imagine what it must be like?

It’s my hope you will never have to experience this type of grief. But you may. And if you do, I can tell you that it gets better, the pain, but it never stops. You just get used to it. Sorta.

This I do know for sure.

When I try and go it alone, I fall hard. But if I stay in God’s word and keep my focus on him, I fall softer. I get a sense of peace at times – mostly when I need it most.

until next time,

m

Final Day

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Today was my last day at work! It’s so hard to leave such great friends. They have helped me through the worst time in my life. They are my family away from my family. And always will be. But it is time for me to move on to the next phase in my life. I have done all I can here and need to get back to my family and reconnect with them. After all, it’s only been 24 years since I moved from home.

I’m very excited about this next step in my life. It is also a tough time, because it means I’m moving forward from a very sad time in my life and I want to make it very clear to everyone – my daughter was by far the best thing I’ve ever done in my life and I don’t see how I could ever achieve anything else greater.

God has given me this opportunity to serve out the remainder of my life doing what he originally intended my life to be. I am not sure exactly what that is yet, but I do know it begins with reconnecting with my family. I need that and they need that.

My dear friends here know that I’ll always be eternally grateful for their generosity, kindness and loving friendship. I’ve never had such great friends as I’ve had here in GR. What a great send off – so touched by everyone coming and sharing food and conversation. Your gifts were so thoughtful, but most of all your time and friendship is what I’ll truly treasure always.

This is not goodbye, but it’s I’ll see ya in a while!

until next time,

mercedes

What’s going through my mind today!

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Today would have been my grandmother’s birthday. Some people always wonder where I get my strength and perseverance from….

My mother, Judie, she accomplished much with little. Gave birth to 7 children, raised 6 of us with little to no help from their father. Often working 3 jobs to make ends meet and keep us off welfare and from being removed from our home. All the while, through her dedication to her children, never knowing that she was instilling in me that, as a women, you can achieve what ever you want – you just have to put your everything in it. She did that up until her very young death – age 48.

My grandmother, Martha, worked for GM all of her life. Always helping my mother with food or bills or taking us in when we had no place to go. She too, died too young – at 70. She remarried a man who I always knew as my grandfather – Mack. He was pretty much the only good male figure I ever knew. Sad! My great-grandfather was a great man too, just didn’t know him much. He gave me something, though I must admit I have today that is why I am able to survive such a devastating loss and that is Christ. My great grandparents were strong in faith and were very simple people.

In reading a passage from Beth Moore’s book Praying for God’s Word, I came across something I wanted to share that will possibly, in some way, give you a glimpse of how I am able to breathe, survive and have hope….

Today when I feel that my life cannot go on because my dreams of the future have been ripped from my life, I turned to the One God who restores me. My faith has never been greater than it is now. The bible has never been clearer to me than it is today. When I feel as if I cannot go on another second, I grab my bible and passages virtually leap off the page as if they were alive. I must say I am immediately calmed by the Word and for the first time in my life, I understand! God’s promises more real. I found that praising God each day for who He is raises me above my circumstances. This is what saved my life. I know Jesus is greater than my pain. He promises through his word to be my Father and that his Grace will be sufficient. I have learned firsthand through experiencing grief like no other – losing an only child, that His words are true and they endure forever. Whatever may come.

This is how I make it through every minute of every day.

until next time,

m

Don’t Ya Wanna Know

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1: WHAT MADE YOU SMILE YESTERDAY? my patients

2: WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT 8 THIS MORNING? still sleeping – it’s my day off

3: WHAT WERE YOU DOING 15 MINUTES AGO? paying my bills

4: SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED TO YOU IN 1995? i was probably in the midst of a nervous breakdown – Senior level nursing classes – need i say more!

5: LAST THING YOU SAID ALOUD? Thank you Jesus!

6: HOW MANY DIFFERENT THINGS DID YOU DRINK TODAY? hot tea and water

7: WHERE IS YOUR BEST FRIEND(s) RIGHT NOW? at the hairsalon working her butt off

8: WHAT COLOR IS YOUR TOOTHBRUSH? i can’t keep up – it changes too frequently – do we really have to know that?

9: LAST THING YOU BOUGHT? dog collar for my new puppy Grace

10: LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY? a book

11: WHAT COLOR IS YOUR FRONT DOOR? ugly fake wood grain

12: WHERE DO YOU KEEP YOUR CHANGE? in a pick me up coffee mug

13: WHAT’S THE WEATHER LIKE TODAY? sunny and frigid

14: BEST ICE CREAM FLAVOR? chocolate almond

15: SOMETHING YOU ARE EXCITED ABOUT? moving back home and reconnecting with my family

16: LAST RAINBOW YOU SAW? my feeble brain can’t recall

17: WHAT SIZE SHOE DO YOU WEAR? don’t laugh – 5-1/2

18: DO YOU HAVE ANY SISTERS? 2 1/2 sisters

19. ARE YOU VERY RANDOM? more than i’d like to admit

20: DO YOU WANT TO CUT YOUR HAIR? no – for the first time!

21: ARE YOU OVER THE AGE OF 25? way over – how about double! Yikes! Time flies by when you are not paying attention

22: DO YOU TALK A LOT? it’s been said – yes – but what do they know -lol

23: DO YOU WATCH THE OC? what? no who wrote this? how about us older folks – Grey’s Anatomy!!!

24: DOES YOUR SCREEN NAME HAVE AN ‘’ X ‘’ IN IT? should it? NO

25: DO YOU KNOW ANYONE CALLED STEVE? yes

26: DO YOU MAKE UP YOUR OWN WORDS? every chance I get

27: ARE YOU TICKLISH? that’s for me to know and no one else – ha

28: ARE YOU TYPICALLY A JEALOUS PERSON? been there done that – it never really worked! now i’m older and wiser!

29: NAME A FRIEND WHOSE NAME STARTS WITH THE LETTER “J”: Julie – otherwise known as angel

30: NAME A FRIEND WHOSE NAME STARTS WITH AN “A”: amy

31: 4TH PERSON ON YOUR MISSED CALLS? Kate

32: WHAT DID THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE YOU RECEIVED SAY?: Hey Girly, thank you for the call……I’m ok, Luv Ya! Linda

33: DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS? only the ones in a fun and sassy cocktail

34: DO YOU HAVE CURLY HAIR? no

35: WHAT IS THE NEXT CONCERT YOU’RE GOING TO? MJB, Melissa Ethrige, Mellencamp

36: WHO IS THE COOLEST PERSON IN YOUR LIFE? Jesus

37: WHAT PHRASE DO YOU SAY A LOT? Holy Guacamole – Oh MY Gosh ! Do I really say that alot? Stop it now!

38: WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Raisin Nut Brain and a mini bagel

39: HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE DONNIE DARKO? who – that would be NO

40: DO YOU HAVE WORK TOMORROW? yes

41: EVER BEEN HUNTING? no

42: IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE? been there done that – it isn’t in my cards

43: WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID “I LOVE YOU” AND MEANT IT?
last words to my daughter before she died 😦

44: WHAT SHOULD YOU BE DOING RIGHT NOW? taking way too much time answering this – i have a lunch date in 45 minutes

45: DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME? mercedes – don’t ask how i got it.

46: DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT? yes – just hasn’t happened to me

47. ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER? just the opposite – so be quiet!

48: LAST TIME YOU USED A SKATEBOARD? just before my hip replacement – not! lol

49: Last movie you watched? Because I said so with Diane Keaten

50: WHAT KIND OF CELLPHONE DO YOU HAVE? samsung

53: WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? my sweet daughter brittany – may you rest in peace!

Stuff

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Today I was going through some pictures and so many memories came flooding back about Brit. Just the emptiness I felt was unbelievable. I don’t think I have cried that hard in a few months. Do you know what it’s like to feel your heart hurt? I have some idea of how it may feel to have a heart attack. The pain part!

Again, I say that I know she is dancing and celebrating being in the presence of our awesome God and I cannot deny that it must be wonderful for her. For the first time, she is truly free of all the suffering and pain she had to endure over the past 15+ years. I’m grateful that she had such a love for God and a willingness to share it with everyone she met. Despite the many trials and tribulations she everyday of her life. Even today, she still has an influence of good will, even though she is not here physically – her story and the stories told by her friends continue her practice of love for God and everyone she met.

If all of us could learn how to treat one another as well as my girl did, well – we’d be seeing a lot less bad news on the TV and a lot more good news!

until next time,

mercedes

Update

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It’s been a while – so much has been going on and I haven’t had much to say. The snow here is endless and it’s so cold. But Spring must be coming soon. Right?

It’s now approaching 5 months since my girl went to her heavenly home. It’s seems like yesterday some days and some days it seems like forever since I have seen her. I miss her so – I find it is really better to just not think about it. When I do it is hard to breathe. It’s hard to imagine life without that funny girl keeping me laughing and always entertaining me with her dancing or singing. I have a great video of her from last summer with her friend Carolyn – singing and dancing. It’s the way I want to remember her most. Happy and carefree!

She is by far the best thing I’ve ever done in my life. The emptiness is hard to bare, but I do it because I have to. I don’t cry as often, I don’t wail as often, I don’t think of her as often, but I miss her like there is no tomorrow. I think that is because she was so much a part of my life. My life centered around her. Everything I did, I did with her in mind.

Now I must move on to the next chapter in my life. I am moving back to my hometown. Back with family. Start my new life. Whatever that is suppose to be I don’t know, I just know it can’t be where I am now. It’s just too painful to be here.

until next time,

mercedes