Category: loss of child

Today Show – they were talking about being alone for the holidays. Whether because you had a loss/death or recent divorce – it’s important to know it’s ok to be sad and to mourn and not feel ashamed. That’s hard! But they definitely said to not be alone. Interesting how God keeps sending these learning opportunities my way. Also really eerie, but I’m truly glad for is, when I read the Bible now – I understand so much more than I have before. I used to struggle with the meaning in the scripture – now it’s as if my eyes have been opened and I get it.

God continues to bless me everyday in so many ways – the pain of missing her is unbearable and I just struggle emotionally to get through everyday. I have never felt so unimportant or not needed as I do now – yet I keep getting signs from God that I do matter. I’m very confused. I’m very tired. I can’t seem to get over this infection/virus. Second round of antibiotics, new meds. I have trouble clearing my throat. Keep a prayer for me.

I’ve asked, prayed, begged God to take it away from me. I cannot possibly keep sustaining myself with this relentless attack on my body. Emotionally and physically I am exhausted beyond belief. I ask God too – how can I help others when I feel this bad. If it is my purpose to minister to others now, how can I do that when I feel like I’m about to choke to death. Sometimes I feel I cannot get a break. It is a daily struggle to keep going. I know I do get glimpses of hope, but I do feel like I’m being bombarded at every turn. I just need to get some happiness somewhere in my life – I just don’t see that happening.

until later,
m

I just can’t seem to shake this infection. Grieving process is taking its toll on me. I keep working, I really shouldn’t be – but it keeps me from thinking about how much pain I truly feel everyday, every minute, every second. I’ve been on my knees a lot this week praying, asking God to have mercy on me. Why am I continuing to live when all I want is to stop the merry-go-round of life and get off. Just when I get to the end of my rope – he sends me what I need to get through that moment. Hope, a light, a small beacon of assurance that I may survive.

The Devil continually lurks, swarms, hovers, sneaks into and over me. God keeps giving me what I need to fight him off. Thanks Be To God – For He is a Great God. I know I wouldn’t be here writing on this blog without him. But I am weary physically. I need some rest and break.

until later
m

I so tired of being tired. I’ve had this cold/sinus infection long enough. It’s been the first real cold I’ve had in a very long time. I know my immune system is shot and that’s probably why I got it – but enough is enough.

Antibiotics helped for about 3 days and now it’s back with a vengence. It doesn’t help matters that I have been slammed emotionally. Brittany’s death, Thanksgiving, her birthday and now Christmas. Even worse – really – could it be any worse? Happy New Year! Right!

Facing the new year is something I hadn’t given another thought too, that is until now. In some ways saying goodbye to 2006 seems appealing – you know – it’s not been the greatest year for me. But facing 2007 – a new life – one that I have not a clue where it will lead – well it’s making me simply – NAUSEATED!

God does continue to bless my life in ways that help me to see that Brittany is with him and she is safe. Keep praying for me that I get guidance about me! What am I suppose to do? Where am I to go? Why am I still here? How will I feel this time next year?

I had a dream the other day, I’m sure was a message from God. In my dream, I pulled up in my car behind Brit’s dads car and then Brittany got out of his car and got into mine. She looked at me and said “The Angels came to see me mom, they said I was going to be ok” – then she got out and I woke up. That’s how I know she is ok and with God. Thank you God!

Now what about me….

until later

m

As I struggled yesterday to make it through, I came home and studied my bible for 3-1/2 hours. I came across words from Jesus that clearly helped me see how I feel 2 months after my daughters death.

Matthew 26:36

Jesus points out to Peter, James and John how distressed and anguished he was…

38: He told them, “My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”

39: He went on a little farther and bowed with his face to the ground, praying, “My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.”

40: Then he returned to the disciples and found them asleep. He said to Peter, “Couldn’t you watch with me even one hour? 41: Keep watch and pray, so that you will not give in to temptation. For the spirit is willing, but the body is weak!”

42: Then Jesus left them a second time and prayed. “My Father! If this cup cannot be taken away unless I drink it, your will be done. 43: When he returned to them again, he found them sleeping, for they couldn’t keep their eyes open.

44: So he went to pray a third time, saying the same things again. 45: Then he came to the disciples and said, “Go ahead and sleep. Have your rest. But look – the time as come. The Son of Man is betrayed into the hands of sinners. 46: Up, let’s be going. Look, my betrayer is here!”

My friends and family – it is so important that you stay with me on this journey. My journey in grieving for my daughter is nowhere close to being over. In fact, I’ve been very good at hiding it from everyone. It’s extremely difficult to work 9 hours a day and continue to grieve. So – it gets pushed aside only to rear it’s ugly head once I am home alone. I work as if nothing is wrong. But it’s all very wrong. Keep praying for me. Keep watching over me. Do not go to sleep – I need you all more than ever.

until next time,

M

 

Greatest Story Told
by indygirlinmi (movies profile) Dec 9, 2006

I just got a chance to see The Nativity, the movie currently playing in theatres about the upcoming events surrounding Jesus’ birth. At this time of year, it was refreshing to see a movie that has a special meaning and could possibly change someone’s life. Go and take your family. You will not be disappointed.

Most funny – the 3 Wise Men

Most sad – the way believers were treated by Herod

Most beautiful – the birth of Christ

Most tragic – Herod’s obsession of Christ the Savior

Most surprising – the love story of Joseph and Mary.

Go!!!!

Christmas In My Face

Everywhere  I go I see pretty lights and decorations….

…… except at my house

Everywhere I go I see happy people preparing for the holidays….

…..except at my house

Everywhere I go people are enjoying holiday traditions….

…..except at my house

Everywhere I go I am reminded of the joy of families sharing…..

…..except at my house

Everywhere I go I am reminded of my loss……

…..especially at my house.

But, as God continues to work on me, I am also reminded of his loss….

….but first I am reminded to celebrate his son’s birth this Christmas…

….it’s all I have to hold onto.

Matthew 1:23

Look! The virgin will conceive a child! She will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel, which means ‘God is with us.'”

until next time,

m

Ok – here’s what’s on my mind…..

Went to church today. Guest pastor from Austraila was speaking. At first, I wasn’t so sure about his message…then it’s as if he was speaking directly to me.

He spoke about trials and how even christians get stuck asking why instead just accepting God’s plan even when we don’t know where it’s going. I took some notes from this sermon and from a tape I listened to from Joyce Meyer on Grief and Loneliness….

Things to think about…

1) Life is not fair – TRUST God’s plan for us or you’ll be miserable.

2) It’s time to press on and unwrap the Grief Clothes

3) You must experience the Phases of Grief – it’s normal: doesn’t feel normal

4) God is Good

5) The devil wants us to fail – always set your mind on victory in Christ Jesus

6) STOP TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT. Healing will not come if you keep trying to reconcile what happened.

7) It’s ok to ask Why – but you may not get the answer, even if you did it doesn’t help with the pain of loss

8) Don’t give up on HOPE. Hope deferred causes illness.

9) In every trouble – give it up to GOD

finally

10) Your reward for faithfulness will come – take comfort.

 

Well – try as I might, it’s hard to keep pressing on, but I have NO other choice. As a christian, I only can move forward. I might stay a while in one place, but eventually, I must move on. My goal is to see Brit again in Heaven. If I am to achieve that goal, I must move on and do the work God intended for me. Even though I don’t really know what that is now. But I do know it’s part of this writing here that I do about my grief on 360. I’ll keep writing if you keep reading.

until next time,

m

 

A wee bit premature. What an ugly day I’m having. Just keep having waves of grief that keep coming over and over. Not something I have had before. Or at least not in a while.

I did finally send a thank you card to her caregivers at the hospital. Maybe that was what sparked it all.

I’ve been thinking about her all day and how much I miss her. What she meant to me and everyone else. When I was writing out the card – words just cannot express thanks to someone who dedicated themselves to her in the last hours of her life. I saw so much love and compassion there – as a nurse – I was overwhelmed with that. I’m proud to be a nurse and so proud of the staff that cared for her – like she was someone they knew personally. Some of the staff knew of her, or had seen her there before, but it was if family was taking care of her.

God I miss her. She is all I had. Yes – that love will never die – but not be expressed in the same way again. That’s a very lonely prospect. Very lonely.

Defintion: Unconditional love…

for me it was acceptance that I was someone special…..a connection between mother and daughter….a love that always will exist…..a chance to see life through another’s eye without judgment or condemnation. I grew so much being her mom. She showed me far more than I can possibly even communicate. Probably I’m not even aware of some things – because – I still feel her by me at times – teaching more.

God – she was a great kid.

until later,

m

 

Well I made it! Thanks to God and my friends!

I believe Wednesday was far worse than Thursday. I was so emotional on Wednesday, the day before her birthday, that I had spent it all by Thursday. I cried, wailed uncontrollably for so long that it’s as if the tears dried up and there was nothing left to do but move forward.

My co-workers have blessed me many times over with their continued compassion, support, friendship and love. I, in no way can express in the appropriate words how that has gotten me through the most darkest time in my life. With God and you guys – it has been possible for me to see hope in my future on days when I wondered if it was possible. THANK YOU and THANKS BE TO GOD!

I continue to struggle with some aspects of my loss – mostly in that I miss her. Her Voice. Her Laugh. Mostly Her Contagious Smile. God Blessed me so to be her mom for such a short time. I know he smiles at me in joy that I finally get the message he has sent me many times and I didn’t listen.

Well – I’m listening now.

To my dear friends and to those who may read this…GOD is waiting for you to listen too. Make sure you are listening to the messages from Heaven…The gift of eternal life in Heaven with GOD and to reunite with anyone who has gone before you is awaiting you. I personally can not wait until then. But for now, I must continue to work towards that goal and to try to take as many of you with me as possible.

Much love and peace

until next time,

Mal