Category: The Ups and Downs of Life

Bitter Sweet Memory

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Today I got to see my 10-year-old niece play softball. She is tall for her age and can swing a mean bat. But what is really cool is that she has improved so much over the past two years, so much so that she can actually hit and run.

Being with my extended family now that my daughter has passed has had some bitter sweet moments. Today was one of them. It seems as though whenever I go to one of these “family” events, something happens that reminds me of something Brittany did or said. They I find myself in an awkward moment saying “oh Brittany used to do that” or “Brittany used to say that” – then the moment passes and I feel like I just said something that really didn’t matter to anyone but me. I hate that.

I wonder if those memories will ever fade to the point that I don’t verbally discuss them in front of my family. Seems as though it’s a subject they’d like for me not to discuss. It’s so hard not to say something about her. She did exist you know. It’ not like I made her up. She lived, breathed, laughed, cried and loved me for 17 years and 11 months. I will not EVER deny her existence. No matter what.

So don’t expect me to. I will talk about her whenever I feel the need, because it helps keep her memory alive for me. And at the end of the day – that’s all that matters. If I didn’t have that – well I wouldn’t have made it this far.

So if you have  a family member who has lost a loved one, LET THEM TALK. Help them keep their loved one alive! It’s crucial to their healing process.

Until next time,

Mercedes

Avoiding the Inevitable

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It stopped raining – thank goodness!

I have been to Michaels several times over the past month and each time noticed “memorial flowers” that have been made up for people to place on their loved ones graves. Each time I walk by and look at them and then think maybe I should buy one for my mom’s grave.

You see I haven’t been to my mother’s grave since, oh, probably about 10 years. I remember taking my daughter their many years ago and I could barely get out of the car. My mom has been gone now for 20 years, but I just can’t get myself to go out there. I know she isn’t there, but it more than that, it’s a reminder that she is not here.

I think maybe I’ll try to go on Mother’s Day – my personal day from hell. I had my daughter cremated because her father and I are divorced and we didn’t want to bury her in Michigan where we lived at the time of her death. I’ve contemplated burying her remains, but haven’t been able to deal with that yet.

I’ve been praying for strength to get through this Mother’s Day with a different outcome. To maybe, just maybe be able to see something good from it. But right now, the hole in my heart is too big and too painful to think about celebrating a day that has been a reminder of what has gone wrong in my life.

I know I could see it from the positive side – and oh how I have heard many people say things that make me want to throw up. For example – “at least you had a mother” or “at least you were a mother” – come on people – where is your compassion. I sincerely hope you never have to lose your mother and then turn and lose your daughter. It’s the most gut wrenching thing I’ve ever had to deal with, and I’ve had a lot of crap in my life to deal with.

I’ll keep thinking about visiting her grave and I’ll get back to you on that.

until next time,

mercedes

Tuesday

Hold on

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It’s still raining….

I was reading my black book today (my random thoughts book).  When I hear something that strikes my fancy I write it down thinking someday I will have an opportunity to read it again. So here is what I think today…

Live Your Best Life – by Nancy Wood from Many Winters

Hold on to what is good even if it’s a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even it it’s a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it’s a long way from here…

Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.

Dedicated to the memory of my loving daughter Brittany. I’m holding on to your hand even though you have gone from me.

until next time

mercedes

Sunday

What it feels like to have Mother’s Day in my face.

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It’s raining today – AGAIN! Seems as though we’ve had our fair share of rain this month. I don’t know about you, but I’m quite tired of it all. I’m believing for some sunshine linked by several days of continued sunshine.

Now that my taxes are done, and oh did I owe, I’m getting back to finishing my book. I don’t have much left to do. But it does seem a bit disorganized and needs some polishing. Writing has never been one of my fortes but after much prodding by my peeps (friends who have read my blogs over the past two years) I have decided to pursue it.

Some days you just have to pull yourself up and push on. Even when it doesn’t feel good at all. But I’m a believing person and know God has not set me upon this earth do live a dull and meaningless life. Even considering the great loss of my only child.

The next few weeks you may find my writing here a bit dark. Mother’s Day is coming and it’s not usually a good time for me. Many of you know that I lost my mother when I was 7 months pregnant with Brittany. My mom was only 48 when she died from Breast Cancer. Five years later, my grandmother died of Congestive Heart Failure. Then losing my daughter nailed it shut my ever celebrating Mother’s Day again.

I don’t want to take away anyones love of Mother’s Day – but just know there are some of us out here that wish it would just go by and never breathe it’s breath of heartache over my life again. But it’s all around – you know – every store, every TV show and even in church. I go to church regularly because it’s how I get spiritually fed, however, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are not Sundays I attend church. I choose to stay out of the public on those days, not because I am a recluse, but because I’m tired of having those holidays shoved down my throat.

It’s a painful reminder of what I have lost or been without for so long. For my dear friends and family the magnitude of many losses have profoundly changed who I am as a person. I will forever be different and you will have to learn to be OK with it. I don’t like it much either but it is my reality.

I choose to do a lot of positive things to counteract my losses, but it doesn’t take them away. It doesn’t soften the blow, it doesn’t decrease my pain – it only creates noise in my life to take up the quiet that drives me crazy. When it’s too quiet – I weep.

More on that later.

until next time

mercedes

My Dreams

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When I was a liittle girl I always believed I was destined to do something significant in the world. I remember in middle school and high school using a sketch book and drawing ball gowns. I was fascinated by ball gowns. Maybe that had something to do with my love of Cinderella.

But as life’s tragedies struck my family beginning at age 6 for me when my father left us, my mom and 6 children under the age of 7 to take care of our selves. In order to deal with my emotions I would draw and fantasize about what I would be when I grew up. But somehow I knew it was going to be something big.

But life has a way of turning a sharp left when you wanted to go right. If I were to sit down today and draw the path way my life has taken over the past 40 years – well I’m afraid it would look like a triange gone bad.

I’m a strong person, but strong people can only do so much. Without my faith in God, I’m certain I wouldn’t have made it this far. Today, I have been reminded again that just when I think I’m in the clear and things are looking up, I am shocked back into my reality that life just hasn’t nor will it ever be easy.

Those of you who have it easy – consider yourself very lucky. For some reason I have been chosen to go through bad times over and over and over again. I always come out a better person, but it certainly has taken it’s toll on this body.

I am looking forward to the day when God calls me home and I can no longer deal with the cruel people of this world.

m

My Faith

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Today I heard a sermon that I needed to hear!

In the past few months my faith has taken a back seat. As I listened to the pastor at my GR church, I realized that I have let the devil take over my life in some areas. Most importantly my faith. My faith was beginning to take a downward turn. My outlook was getting dimmer and less optimistic. All because my faith had lost it’s voice.

I never understood just how much my church meant to my faith building. Being in the presence of believers with strong faith and charismatic praise has had a huge impact on me, especially during the first months after Brittany’s death. It was how I made it through every minute of every day. I surrounded myself with my fellow church members.

Now I’m in a new church – possibily looking for someplace else, but sorely lacking that support. Without that support, the devil has crept back in like the snake he is, and took advantage of my current circumstances.

This is what I was reminded of and believe I must do to receive healing:

Faith must have a voice!

Mark 11:23 “…whoever says to this mountain, be lifted up and thrown into the sea! and does not doubt at all in his heart but believes that what he says will take place. it will be done for him.”

Believe

Mark 11:24 “For this reason I am telling you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe (trust and be confident) that it is granted to you, and you will receive it.”

Forgive

Mark 11:25 “…if you have anything against anyone, forgive him and let it drop, in order for that your Father who is in heaven may also forgive you.”

Mark 11:22-26 is such an important passage for me and for anyone going through a tough time. I have looked the other way for too long and must get back on track. My life depends on it.

I am praying that God will help me to get back on tract so that I can live a balanced, victorious life.

until next time,

m

The Complexities of Life

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I see no solution
yet, I am hopeful.

Things aren’t always
what they seem, but
that doesn’t mean
they can’t be overcome.

It seems the people who
you believed to be true,
someone who took your
heart and comforted it once,
really only wanted to use
it for their own – not thinking
how much pain it would cause.

Now, my faith in love is gone.
Sorrow fills my heart which
sings songs of saddess. And yet,
that someone doesn’t see it.

Time is suppose to heal – but
it just keeps renewing the pain,
never ending, soul-wrenching,
saddness. It can be all consuming.

I choose most of the time to
ignore it, breathe through it – just
keeping it away. Hoping one day
not to think of it for 24 hours.

Yet it continues….never ending. Harder
to bounce back each time. Harder to
believe that it will ever stop hurting so much.

Now, I see a chance to move on, yet
the fear is all encompassing. Dare I escape
the darkness of my heart and break free from
this sea of pain. It’s so hard. So tiring.

Each time I lose a little more energy,
a little more faith and most of all
a little more of my own self.

Then God speaks to me and says “he loves me” and I am his. He made me to achieve great things. I am strong and I will accomplish much. But not because of I am loved by a man, but because I am loved by God. He who sustains me. It is a constant work – but I am worth it!

Deep stuff for a Thursday night – but my soul needed purging! – Image

 

until later,

Mercedes

What my soul says today!

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Only for a time can you see me
for I shine for those who chose
to see me past all the clouds.

You know who you are
the one who has doubt
everything is not always
so clear, yet I know you

Sometimes you must look
beyond what is not in front of you
but stop and sense who I am
not who you think I am.

You know who you are
the one who has doubt
everything is not always
so clear, yet I know you

When you stop looking for
who you want me to be, try
to see who I really am

I’m your best friend,
your confidant,
your cheerleader,
your gate keeper,

it’s me.

malissa