Author: Grief Blessings

I recently was asked to share my faith story with my church. So when I did, never did I think it would go any farther than the words I typed. Then I was approached about sharing my story on video. Ok…so I thought that it would be a good way to continue on my journey and purpose.

A few weeks ago I sat and talked candidly about my faith and my about daughter. It was difficult, but somehow I manage to pull it off. Later on the guy who was behind the camera said that when he reviewed the video the next day he wept and wept.

After seeing it for the first time yesterday, I must say I can see why. It’s very emotional, gut-wrenching and it’s the best tribute to God and to my daughter, Brittany. God has truly blessed me beyond belief. I had an amazing girl, with an amazing gift. No doubt, sometimes, she made life difficult, but what teenager doesn’t!

I’ve learned so much in these past few months. It’s been rough, sometimes I’m not sure I can take another minute. As I said in the video – I had a choice to see this loss two ways: tragic and sad or I can see the time I had with her as a gift from God. Now when I think of it as a tragic event, it makes me sad and I sometimes think I can’t go on without her. Then there are other times I think of it as a blessing because I can see how she made a huge difference in my life and in so many others. She was a gift to me and I have to go on believing I was meant to continue on fulfilling a life God intended me to have from the beginning. Not the one I thought I was suppose to live. That’s my journey.

Yes, I will continue to have bad days, and I will write about them – because what I write about is genuine. But I will also write about the blessings I have received by being Brittany’s mom.

until next time,

While she was opening her presents she was so excited and was trying to open up a package and had some trouble, so mom tried to help her and she cried out “I can do it”. All of the sudden a time rushed into my memory of my Brittany when she was two opening her presents and saying something very similar like “my can do it”. Tears welled up in my eyes and I had to secretly leave the room. I became so overwhelmed with sadness and grief. And I wasn’t anticipating it. That’s grief! It comes whenever it wants and stays for however long it wants.

I was reading an article about a family who has a child with autism. She said something publicly that I’ve not really had the guts to say to anyone face to face about how I feel. But I’ve been able to write it for the most part here and in my personal journals. But here it is in a nutshell…

Then at age 5 the diagnosis of epilepsy was devastating to us. I was in nursing school at the time and knew what the complications could be. Then the constant battles with insurance, medications, doctors appointments, medical tests… it was all consuming. Then the words of that mother I mentioned earlier…

“I put on a good face in the public,
but in the most private recesses of
my being, I felt my heart start to die
a little.”

Then came the diagnosis of Crohn’s Disease. Age 10 was a rough year. She experienced stomach pain, increasing seizures and we didn’t know what was going to happen. Then after a year of up and down moments…things got better. But what it was really was “the calm before the storm”..

“I put on a good face in the public,
but in the most private recesses of
my being, I felt my heart start to die
a little more….”

Her last year of life was constantly in turmoil. But she lived it full of life and never let it get her down, well not for long any way. But once I realized we were dealing with something truly devasting…..

“I put on a good face in the public,
but in the most private recesses of
my being, I felt my heart start to die
a little more….”

Her last year of life was constantly in turmoil. But she lived it full of life and never let it get her down, well not for long any way. The really good stuff that happened…having found her best friend Caro and her love Andy. She had finally found what she’d been missing for so long. Acceptance of her peers.

Then the final months of her life were the worst of my life, because down deep I had a sick feeling things were going to get worse. But I never thought she would die! Then she did! Without warning, not even a chance to say goodbye! My last words to her “go do your homework”. There at her desk minutes later – she had a severe grand mal seizure for which she never recovered. Over the next 12 hours I watched, them try and revive her 4 times. Finally stopping it all because the doctor said her heart couldn’t take much more. I couldn’t take seeing her the way she was, my last vision of her being pounded on and shocked….

I know it was her time – I’m a nurse – I know they did everything they could – but God wanted her more. I’m glad she doesn’t have to suffer any more…but when does my suffering end?

These words are mine now since the very moment I said STOP CPR….

It rests next to the other hole in my heart
where my mother used to be, which lies
next to the hole where my grandmother
used to be, which lies next to the few other
people who have broken my heart.”

My hope is in the Lord to heal my heart because it is written “God is close to the brokenhearted, he comforts them.”

m

In thinking back about losing my mother. I remember how sad I was – even in the midst of preparing for the birth of my daughter Brittany. For two months, I sat in her nursery, which had been prepared lovingly by her father and I. I rocked in the rocker for hours on end. Missing my mom so much. Thinking of how she was going to miss the very thing she always wanted. A grand child from her only daughter. For months after that, I really just went through the motions. Even after Brittany was born, with all that went wrong with the birth and months after, I still felt as if I was looking in on my life, not living it.

That is how I feel now. I keep looking for an out. Something that will tell me I matter. That my existence here will make a difference. I still don’t here it. I’m not sure I will in time to convince me otherwise. If my purpose is to live out a miserable life, I choose not to. Right now things are looking pretty bad. I keep praying for a change, a light, a lifeline – but it doesn’t come.

I try to keep on a “happy” face. Mostly for others. Otherwise I hear all the things I don’t want to hear. Things I don’t need to hear. Those things will not come. For they have died with those I love. My heart has a big hole in it. So big, that it’s bleeding out my soul.

I’ve never felt so useless.

m

Shouldn’t the question be WHY is gas so costly?

This topic really irritates me. Why? Because it falls along the same reason anything else either costs too much or we aren’t treated well! It’s very simple…

because we allow it!

I compare the rise in gas prices to many other areas we experience on a daily basis. We just buck up and do it, take it, allow it to happen. It’s along the same lines that I experience the continual disrespect of nurses that work very hard every day and get little back in return. Or good people trying to do the right thing, but after a while just succumbed to the daily grind and give up. Some people make life too hard. There isn’t a lot of compassion for our fellow man. Our own citizens right here under our noses. I hope to God, no one ever suffers a series of losses like I have, because it’s a battle I have to fight daily too keep on a happy face. For my own sanity, for my job, for my financial health. Despite my efforts the crap just continues to hammer away. I’m finding out that if people haven’t experienced a loss or financial hardship – they don’t get it. No matter how much they say they understand.

It’s a good thing nurses love what we do. Or at least the majority of use love what we do. Some have been dealing with this disrespect so long they have become bitter and are just waiting for retirement. We’ve allowed our wages to go up minimally for as long as we have been working. Recent wage increases don’t come close to paying for the increase in gas let alone the cost of inflation. I have friends that work outside of health care and have better health care benefits than I do. What a shame! Nurses work hard to provide excellent patient care in the midst of difficult circumstances. We are treated like kindergartners when it comes to life altering situations. Three strikes and you’re on probation. Instead of being proactive and helping support the very profession that is dwindling away a breakneck speed. Life sometimes deals you a crappy hand, a prolonged illness, a family crisis or better yet a life altering loss. And we get scolded as if we are in 1st grade if we have to miss a few days here and there in order to get back on our feet.

I’m so fed up with this type of treatment, so much so that I’ve been seriously considering leaving the profession. The negatives are far outweighing the positives. After suffering the loss that I have had to endure – I am just so tired of living a life of “give us more more more and we’ll give you less less less. To think I was considering reentering school for my master’s degree in nursing. For what? A mid level nursing job that pays not more than I make now and yet expects you to eat, drink and breathe your job. Better yet, you still don’t have any more ability to make any real decisions that can bring about change. Just ask a nurse, she’ll tell you. Seen it tried, never seen it work.

Oh my – I’m beginning to sound cynical! Yet I get up everyday and when I am with my patients – that’s all that matters. They are why I still get up everyday and go to work. It’s helping them through a bad situation and in some way being a blessing to them. I work with a great group of nurses. Wonderfully caring, very compassionate, and like me, share in a love to help others. I have always wondered where does that compassion go when a nurse stops bedside patient care and assumes the role of manager, or director. I’ve only met a few that have kept that have been able to remember why they became nurses. But for the most part it appears to have been lost in the mass amount of red-tape and large number of endless meetings that our leaders “have to” attend.

I say to the nursing leaders, health care administration – come back to the bedside and walk in my shoes (literally) – see what I and my fellow nurses face daily – involve more staff in some of these “have to” meetings – come lend a hand when we are overwhelmed. Maybe, just maybe we might start to see change.

And oh, about the gas prices – it’s about supply and demand – you know, the stuff you learned in high school business class. It’s not rocket science – just use less gas.

until next time,

Moving to my home town to reconnect with my family and friends, was a decision that was difficult to make. I left so many friends, a wonderful church and church family, a great job and place to work (despite some of the quirks) and mostly leaving a house I shared for a short time with my daughter. I felt leaving the house would remove at least one area of pain that I lived in after she passed away. I still believe that to be a good decision, however, it hasn’t sold and continues to make it difficult for me to move on. I am one step away from disaster in my life and beginning to spiral in my attitude that I just don’t care. I’m tired of working hard for nothing. I’m tired of working hard in a life that is miserable with no end in sight. I’ve never felt so alone in my life.

In the beginning months of this journey I was blessed by so many friends that provided support for my loss. I miss that. I didn’t realize that my returning home would feel like I was picking up where I left off when I left in 1983. It’s as if Brittany didn’t exist. This is what is killing me. At least in Michigan she was real to everyone who knew her. Because she touched their lives so passionately either directly or indirectly. I suffer in the quietness of my broken heart. I suffer in the realization that my life with Brittany, my best achievement in life is gone forever and no one knows how desperately I want to stop the pain. But my faith, my God will not let me do that.

I pray every night before I go to bed and I get up everyday hoping, praying, begging for relief to God, in what ever form it comes I will welcome it. I’m tired.

I’m dealing with so many things, I can’t put here because it would be too much for me and for the reader to see. But know this, I believe my God will deliver me some way, some how, I don’t know when and I don’t know how. I have some difficult decisions to make regarding my current situation, so please pray for me to make the right choices in the next few days.

Thank you for all your support. May God Bless You!

until next time,

Still dealing with a “unpredictable” back issue. But I’m praying for healing and expect a breakthrough any day. Went to church with Denise today. Very moving service. Pastor spoke about “finding God in the darkest times”. Boy do I know about that.

I am currently reading a book about finding hope in the midst of a loss. It’s been very uplifting and helps me see that there is hope, I just need to be open enough to see it. The author uses Job as her comparison to show the reader how even at the darkest of times in the bible, Job had the ultimate of loss, yet found a way to give up on God.

I know I’ve said this before, but I do feel like “the current day Job” when I think about all the stuff I’m dealing with. But I have to believe my breakthrough is coming. I have to be open and willing to receive it. That’s the hard part. Not letting the devil talk me into keeping my eyes and heart closed. And he tries all the time.

My house situation went from bad to worse this past week. Please pray for a breakthrough and a buyer.

Have a peaceful and safe July 4th.

until next time,