Author: Grief Blessings

Is it possible to believe that my heart will learn to love again?

Is it too soon for my heart to feel love?

Is it too soon for me to feel good again?

Is it too soon for me to find joy in a moment?

Will my heart ever heal?

Will my heart love again?

Will my heart feel love again?

Will I ever be able to talk about her without choking?

Will I ever be able to look at her picture without my heart breaking?

Will I ever be able to look at her video or here her voice without thinking I can’t go on?

Somedays I think I can make it. Somedays I think I have made it. Then somedays I know I have far to go. But only by the grace of God am I able to get through each and every day.

He heals the brokenhearted…..yes – indeed – it’s working now and it brings me such hope that I will love again. Not like I loved my girl – but that I can love without fear of loss.

until later,

Then when I arrived home to my wretched drive way full of ice chunks – I began to cry more. Then I got the shovel out and began to heave the snow to the side and clear a path for my car. Then I began to cry openly making promises to Brit – “I’ll never forget you” I promise I’ll never forget you. I know sometimes it feels like I’m losing her memories, her voice, her laugh, her everything – it’s all too much to think about. It’s so painful.

Those of you who read this and have children – you are so very lucky. I hope you know how lucky.

Never been to Cabo – so it was exciting to be somewhere else that doesn’t remind me of my loss. I really needed to get away from my house and the haunting memories of Brittany. As I sit here now writing this I become teary eyed.

That’s what happens to me now – tearful when I stay too long in some thought about her, tear up and then it goes away. Haven’t had a huge breakdown in weeks – Is that bad?

Happened several times in Cabo. At breakfast I sat looking out of the Sea of Cortez and became lost in my thoughts about how much I missed her. I would realize I had tears in my eyes and I quickly would wipe them away take a deep breath and divert my thinking elsewhere.

I miss her. Then I think God has given me an opportunity to do something else with my life – but what.

I have started to feel bad like weird or guilty about how much time had passed since I had grieved so boldly, so passionately over losing my most precious girl. I can’t stop the tears now. They are over powering me as I sit on this plan enroute to Houston. I just asked the lady beside me if I could trouble her for a kleenex. Thank goodness she had one. I’m trying not to bring any attention to myself.

It’s finally winter here. And, I am reminded why I dislike winter. It’s just too cold.

Have a great rest of the week.

Some thing’s to ponder….

Instead of asking why I can’t have something…ask – why do I have so much?

When God comes he will destroy the earth by fire…everything you have will be gone – even your 401K!

How can you use what you have to further the ministry of God?

The life you live today is an audition for your role in heaven!

in other words….

Those you touch today will be who receives you in heaven.

My question for you is:

Don’t you want to have millions of people at your reception party in heaven?

Think about that as you begin your week- how can you serve our God with the possessions you have been given. Who can you help today? Whose life can you make better or whose face can you put a smile on? These things are what we have been commanded to do in the name of our Father in heaven. These are the treasures you are storing up in heaven and will make your entry into heaven a glorious day indeed.

until next time,

What a proud moment as a parent to have such wonderful memories. Having her made me a better person. The one thing I took from seeing the video again is something Clayton said in his speech…she loved everyone….no matter what they thought about her….she saw the beauty in life despite how tremendously difficult her life had become….she was so in love….she was so happy at the end….she is and always will be our hero. I will always try to live my life for her and through her memory I hope to become more like her.

Love You Brittany!!!!!!

Despite my hard fight
I continue to battle
the enemy. The battle
rages 24 hours of every
day with unrelenting
pounding down of my soul.

My heart is broken into
many pieces and lies here
before you fractured beyond
repair.

Can you hear me wail? Can
you see my pain? Do you know
it will never go away? It’s never
ending. They say it will get better,
they are wrong. They say that because
they don’t know what else
to say to me.

I do see one thing so very
clearly…I don’t have anything
left. No energy, no worth, no
life, no meaning, nothing.

I travel through my day numb
from all the pain I feel. I have tried
to put on the game face, but I am
tired of playing in a game I didn’t
ask to play in.

would you?

Christmas Eve was extremely difficult, but I was comforted by friends and God. Being at church gives me so much comfort and I feel closest to God and to Brittany.

Now I am facing the New Year without her. It’s the absolute worst feeling in the world. I continue to be conflicted between my position in faith and my emptiness of motherhood. I was so lucky to have had 17 years with her. I just wish I’d known that before she died. I know I loved her so much. I wanted so much for her to be happy. Really – she was in the end. I do believe that Andy did that for her. And that God brought Andy and Brittany together because he knew they both needed it. And that I needed to see she could be loved by someone else besides her family. Really not many people in my family knew her well. What they usually saw was how difficult it was to raise her. All of her medical needs/issues were overwhelming sometimes – and living away in other states where there was no family – well it removed most of our family from the day-to-day trials of raising a chronically ill child.

Nevertheless, I would never trade it for anything. It has made me the person I am today. It will continue to influence every decision I make and every person I come in contact with. Why – because it was the way she lived. She touched so many she came in contact with – even at her Celebration of Life. I still get messages and cards from people who just want to tell me how much her story has affected them.

What a blessing to have now. It comforts me beyond belief. Yet it also reminds me of how much I have lost. My one and only child. My one and only love. My one and only.

until later,