Category: grief journey

As I studied my bible this morning and going over an assignment from Joyce Meyer – I realized that I have a lot of work to do in this area.

Proverbs 18:21

The tongue can bring life or death – those who talk will reap the consequences.

If we speak life, choose life, live life, let our light shine to the glory of God – the consequences will be so enormously great, we will be unable to measure. However;

If we speak death, choose death, live like we are dead, keep our light from shining to the glory of God – the consequences will be so enormously painful, we will be unable to measure.

I choose life!

Brittany was with us for a purpose – to help us see the glory of God and his purpose for our lives. I know that – that was the hardest thing for me to learn. I now get it. Does that take away my grief – no, but it helps give me some peace and gets me through another day. Her job on earth was to help people know Jesus. She was an angel on earth given to us to help us know Him.

love malissa

The Lord is close to the broken-hearted, he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.                   –      Psalm 34:18

 

A thought that keeps me focused on my life now:

Trust God to bring about the justice in your life.

• Leave it up to God
• Take the high road
• Respond in love
• Turn it over to God

 

Hope you all had a “Thankful” Thanksgiving!

until later,

m

Wishing all my 360 friends and family a blessed Thanksgiving. Happy traveling to all and may God bless you and keep you.

malissa

Today I started out in a pretty good mood. Went to church – enjoyed being with my fellow sisters in Christ.

Then, I thought I’d try to shop a little for holiday gifts. All I could do was wander around and look at things – but not really look at things. Nothing appealed to me, not even things that I used to love looking at. I couldn’t even stay inside the Hallmark store. Too many reminders of what is not going to be. I saw the birthday card section and had to leave. I hear Nov. 30th all the time it seems on TV or Radio – I just can’t seem to get a hold of this grief. Maybe this will help you see a small part of how I have gotten this far….

They say firsts are the worst – I recall my mom’s firsts:

September 12 – her birthday

September 16 – her death day

Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and then the terribly painful Mother’s Day.

I was a new mother at the time, you see my mom died at the age of 48 (just 48) from breast cancer – I was 7 months pregnant with Brittany. I had to “buck up” and remember I had a baby to care for – guess where that grief went? Way back – about 5 years – then I finally had to deal with it.

Why so long? Well Britt was born with a hip problem, I had a post-op infection that required about a months worth of daily doctor visits. Mind you, all the while I was mourning the loss of my mom, a normal delivery and healthy child.

So you see, loss is not new to me – I know how to do it. I’m just tired of doing it.

until next time,

m

I cannot imagine getting though each and every day with the love and support of my friends. I read that support is invaluable in the healing process. Being able to share my pain and fears with you help me to next my grief to the next level. Please stay with me. I know it must be hard to know what to say or know what to do, but listening over a cup of coffee gives me a way to express how I feel and I need that to complete the process of healing.

I have been blessed with so many friends and each of you have your special areas that minister to what need I have at that time. I need you all.

A little scripture for you to ponder…

“He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us.” – 2 Corinthians 1:4 THE MESSAGE

 

Thank you so much for caring!

Praise God from whom ALL Blessings Flow!

until later

m

What do people do when they feel that there is no hope left. No matter how hard they have tried to see it feel. It is there. I’m feeling like I’m on the bottom of a very deep barrel with no rope.

my saddess

Saddess is all I know now that you are  gone.
It’s permiates my very soul;
it washes over me and saturates my mind
over and over and he knows he has won.

The devil is always near lurking for a moment,
a chance to grab you while you are weak,
snatches you up so fast you can’t have enough
time to cry out for help – you can even speak.

I have an overwhelming desire to end it all
The pain is too unbareable to continue
Don’t you know, I feel as a weight of 1000 lbs.
is laying on my chest and it’s getting very hard to move.

Death is knocking and my door, I don’t want it
but I need it. For I am dead inside already.

m

 

I’m really having a hard day. Feelings of emptiness overwhelm me at every corner. Everywhere I look I see evidence of her existence – yet now she is not here. I walk around my house just asking why and crying and then it abates. I get a small reprieve. Just when I think I can go somewhere or talk to someone – it floods back in only to paralize my body. Today is hard. What is 11-30 going to be like? I just can hardly bare the thought. I know somedays I can see hope – today not so much. I just want it all to end. I don’t want to be here anymore. I have no desire to keep walking. Today I’m so sad.

No cards today – first day since her death. Everyone is getting back to their lives. As it should be – everyone but me. My old life will be no more. I either have to discover my new life or choose to stop living this one. The holidays are creeping up on me. Just when I get to where I can breathe from her death – I have to endure her 18th birthday without her  – Thanksgiving doesn’t seem so appropriate to me now. So I’m just ignoring it.

No one gets this pain. I’m sorry I can’t express it – it is hard to call someone and tell them I can hardly breathe. I can’t bare the pain. I haven’t slept well in days. I just want to get off this merry go round and go on. How do I go thru this alone? I have no other chances at being a parent. She was my only. No grandkids. No graduations. No weddings. Just emptiness.

No one should have to endure this type of pain. NO ONE.

Some people think I have a purpose to show hope through my grief. I thought maybe that was so – yesterday. Today – I just don’t care.

 

 

 

I got the best card today from a student who my daughter went to school with. She is now attending college and felt moved to write me and tell me her feelings about Brittany.

Here it is in part:

…It’s impossible for me to imagine the extent of sorrow you have felt in Brittany’s passing…for me to understand the dark corners and distant dreams – like feeling that has crept into your life. But please know that you and your family are in my thoughts. …. And that Brittany’s memory will never die.

Brittany and I met through theatre.  I was struck right from the first time I met her about how friendly, accepting, an loving she was. Despite anyone else’s attitude towards a person, Brittany was very independent and would accept the person for who they truly were. This always impressed me a great deal.

I only wish I had known Brittany better in the years we shared together at school. And I’ll never forget how she would come up to me and hug me warmly whenever she saw me. It was so very sweet.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to tell you how much I appreciate her presence in my life. For me this is not goodbye, because I believe I will encounter her in the future…in memory, her impact on the world and one day when I pass on myself…

What a wonderful testimony to my daughter’s impact on this girl and many others with whom she came in contact with. We will never know the extent of how many lives she touched until we see her again in heaven.

Many blessings to you all. God continues to work on my heart and the healing that needs to be done. The road is long and I am ready for the journey.

I miss her so much! But she needs me to keep going and telling her story! This is my purpose, at least for now.

until next time,

malissa

 

One month ago today I lost my only reason for living.  No one knows how painful this is. Most of the time I have a lump in my throat just choking back the overflow of tears. When I get home I sit down and let it go – a huge scream comes out. This is living hell on earth. I pray everyday for healing, I get an occasional remitting of emotion. Then something sparks it again.

I suppose I could go along and not think of her. Cause when I don’t think about her – I do ok. I might even smile. But the moment I begin thinking about her and how much I miss her voice, her smile, her laugh – I have overwhelmed with unimaginable grief. I can’t even share with anyone – because it is so horrific. I just want to die.

But I can’t. I just keep pressing on, praying for more healing, more mercy. I have to believe God hears me and knows I’m at the end of my rope. I’m hanging on by a very thin thread. Just when I think I can’t bare it another minute, I get a sense of calm. I’m sure that is God sending me peace. I just wish it would last longer, I just get enough to catch my breath before the next wave comes.

People wonder why I am losing weight. Well – most of the time – I try and eat. But when you have this much pain and it all hangs in your throat – waiting to be released – well it’s nauseating. I feel like I could throw up at any given moment. So I eat between the tidal waves of emotion. I’m sure my metabolism is high. It’s a lot of work to grieve.

I have so many wonderful friends and family – you know who you are! But I am yet all alone in the emptiness of my loss. I just want so much to stop hurting. Now her birthday is coming up and I am thinking – if I am so overwhelmed with grief now – what’s that day gonna be like. Will I survive it? Then of course, there is the whole Christmas Holiday thing. The christian in me celebrates Christ’s birth and what that means to us – then the mother in me sees this holiday without my girl and the picture looks bleak. She was all I had. It was me and Brit at Christmas. We decorated the tree together – I don’t even want to see that tree. EVER AGAIN!

All of what I have means nothing. I’m a changed person. I am no longer the person you knew. They say grief changes a person. What they don’t say is how.

How can you ever be happy again when you have lost your mother, grandmother and daughter. How can you ever be happy again when everything you held dear is gone? How can you ever be happy again when your world has been forever changed and you don’t know what’s next?

I know – this is tough stuff – but it’s mild compared to living it. 

pray for me. continue to be my friend. love me inspite of my despair – I may survive.

m

 

Today I wailed. And wailed and wailed. I tried for hours to stuff it back. But it became too overwhelming while I was Michael’s looking for some supplies. I had to put the things I was looking down and leave. I got home and just cried. Missing her so. Knowing she’s never coming back to me here. The quietness of my home is disturbing. I miss her laugh! Her giggles while talking to Andy. I miss telling her to do her homework. I miss the hugs and kisses. But most of all I miss her smell.

Words cannot begin to describle my anguish. I’m broken, incomplete, sad, deprived, gloomy – yet I know by the grace of God, it will get easier – but I don’t believe it will get better – yet.

I have to start to deal with other issues that started this awful trip long before Brittany. In order for me to become the person God intended me to be (not the person I had to become), I must deal with the first person in my life that denied me that – my dad.

I’m assured by God that once I forgive the people who denied me, mistreated me or abused me, my life will start over and I will become who he wanted me to become and I can start my new life.

Scarey, exciting, nauseating and overwhelming.

until later,

m