Some days it’s so hard.

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A few weeks ago I moved her things into the guest room and made her room into the guest room. That has helped. Every night when I would go to bed, I’d pass by her room and then I would head for the couch to sleep. Couldn’t bare going by her room and going onto mine knowing she wouldn’t be in there. It was if she was at her dad’s house for an extended time. Even though I was at her bedside when we stopped CPR and we let her go, her room hadn’t changed any since she left it.

Now it is different. I moved all the pictures into one room, except the one big one in my living room. I avoid looking at it at times, somedays I don’t want to think about it. Other times, I think about her and I can manage ok. I seem to be at a cross road with the grief thing…

Somedays – it’s so hard I don’t think I can breathe.

Somedays – it’s so hard because I can breathe.

Somedays – it’s so hard to remember her.

Somedays – it’s so hard to remember who I am.

Somedays – I want to scream really loud that I don’t like this at all.

Somedays – I am so grateful for having her for 17 years.

Somedays – I feel robbed.

Somedays – I want to die.

Somedays – I feel like a 2nd chance has been given to me to get my life right.

Somedays – life is just plain hard. It’s been hard for a very long time. I am tired.

later,

m

My Heart

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Is it reasonable to think that my heart will heal?

Is it possible to believe that my heart will learn to love again?

Is it too soon for my heart to feel love?

Is it too soon for me to feel good again?

Is it too soon for me to find joy in a moment?

Will my heart ever heal?

Will my heart love again?

Will my heart feel love again?

Will I ever be able to talk about her without choking?

Will I ever be able to look at her picture without my heart breaking?

Will I ever be able to look at her video or here her voice without thinking I can’t go on?

Somedays I think I can make it. Somedays I think I have made it. Then somedays I know I have far to go. But only by the grace of God am I able to get through each and every day.

He heals the brokenhearted…..yes – indeed – it’s working now and it brings me such hope that I will love again. Not like I loved my girl – but that I can love without fear of loss.

until later,

m

Entry for January 23, 2007

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Now i am home and i went to work today. It was an ok day. I have had this feeling for the past few days that I may lose it. While driving home from the store – tears welled up in my eyes. I can’t write strong enough words to describe the massive amount of hurt that I feel. I keep it nicely tucked away – no one knows. Only God! –

Then when I arrived home to my wretched drive way full of ice chunks – I began to cry more. Then I got the shovel out and began to heave the snow to the side and clear a path for my car. Then I began to cry openly making promises to Brit – “I’ll never forget you” I promise I’ll never forget you. I know sometimes it feels like I’m losing her memories, her voice, her laugh, her everything – it’s all too much to think about. It’s so painful.

Those of you who read this and have children – you are so very lucky. I hope you know how lucky.

My bright sunshine has now been extinguished. My best achievement has now been taken from me. My connection with the future has been changed. There never will be anyone like her. I don’t think I have the capacity to love anyone again. The loss is too hard. I have had so many losses….I don’t want anymore.

My Getaway

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Thursday the 18th I left for Cabo San Lucas to attend my brother’s wedding. I was asked to be the “professional Photographer” for their wedding. They had asked me a few months ago (right after my daughter died) and I said no. A week before the event, they asked again. So I went.

Never been to Cabo – so it was exciting to be somewhere else that doesn’t remind me of my loss. I really needed to get away from my house and the haunting memories of Brittany. As I sit here now writing this I become teary eyed.

That’s what happens to me now – tearful when I stay too long in some thought about her, tear up and then it goes away. Haven’t had a huge breakdown in weeks – Is that bad?

Happened several times in Cabo. At breakfast I sat looking out of the Sea of Cortez and became lost in my thoughts about how much I missed her. I would realize I had tears in my eyes and I quickly would wipe them away take a deep breath and divert my thinking elsewhere.

I miss her. Then I think God has given me an opportunity to do something else with my life – but what.

I have started to feel bad like weird or guilty about how much time had passed since I had grieved so boldly, so passionately over losing my most precious girl. I can’t stop the tears now. They are over powering me as I sit on this plan enroute to Houston. I just asked the lady beside me if I could trouble her for a kleenex. Thank goodness she had one. I’m trying not to bring any attention to myself.

more on Cabo later….

Entry for January 17, 2007

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Very busy week. I’m doing ok. Still battling this retched cold/flu whatever u want to call it. I’m hoping that time off work will help.

It’s finally winter here. And, I am reminded why I dislike winter. It’s just too cold.

Have a great rest of the week.

mercedes

Here’s something to think about…

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Today’s message at church was suppose to be about how to handle your finances…it turned out to be a very clear message about what is to come…

Some thing’s to ponder….

Instead of asking why I can’t have something…ask – why do I have so much?

When God comes he will destroy the earth by fire…everything you have will be gone – even your 401K!

How can you use what you have to further the ministry of God?

The life you live today is an audition for your role in heaven!

in other words….

Those you touch today will be who receives you in heaven.

My question for you is:

Don’t you want to have millions of people at your reception party in heaven?

Think about that as you begin your week- how can you serve our God with the possessions you have been given. Who can you help today? Whose life can you make better or whose face can you put a smile on? These things are what we have been commanded to do in the name of our Father in heaven. These are the treasures you are storing up in heaven and will make your entry into heaven a glorious day indeed.

My daughter lived by this example everyday that I knew her…now how can I not smile knowing she has made God smile for her work done here on earth.

until next time,

Mercedes

I saw something different today…

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I was looking at the DVD of her “Celebration of Life” aka funeral. It’s been 11 weeks since I saw it the first time 1 week after her death. I actually made it through without breaking down. Just a bit tearful. But it amazes me today – how she touched so many people. How she loved so many unconditionally. How she loved God and grew in her faith.

What a proud moment as a parent to have such wonderful memories. Having her made me a better person. The one thing I took from seeing the video again is something Clayton said in his speech…she loved everyone….no matter what they thought about her….she saw the beauty in life despite how tremendously difficult her life had become….she was so in love….she was so happy at the end….she is and always will be our hero. I will always try to live my life for her and through her memory I hope to become more like her.

Love You Brittany!!!!!!

until later,
m

War continues

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The battle continues…..

My faith in life is being tested….my faith in my self is being tested….my faith in God is being tested. In everything, I am being tested. It’s a pass or fail result.

Entry for January 04, 2007

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Sadness beyond belief has overcome me…

Despite my hard fight
I continue to battle
the enemy. The battle
rages 24 hours of every
day with unrelenting
pounding down of my soul.

My heart is broken into
many pieces and lies here
before you fractured beyond
repair.

Can you hear me wail? Can
you see my pain? Do you know
it will never go away? It’s never
ending. They say it will get better,
they are wrong. They say that because
they don’t know what else
to say to me.

I do see one thing so very
clearly…I don’t have anything
left. No energy, no worth, no
life, no meaning, nothing.

I travel through my day numb
from all the pain I feel. I have tried
to put on the game face, but I am
tired of playing in a game I didn’t
ask to play in.

would you?

What I learned….

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Happy New Year’s Message

Yesterday during the sermon at my church, I heard the following scripture that gave me the strength to see how the new year could be so much better than 2006….

“God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus,so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.”


Ephesians 2:8-10
New Living Translation

Things that I am grateful for:

my friends….
my family….
my job…..
my health….
my home….
my church…
but most of all my God – whose an awesome God.


God continues to bless me daily with people and help to get through the most difficult time in my life. As I begin the new year, my challenge is to live a life that God would be proud of. That magnifies his name. That helps others because in that life, I can help myself.

My challenge for you – my friends….

Fall in love with life – you never know when it will drastically change in a blink of an eye.

Inspire everyone – even the ones you don’t get a long with.

Offer hope – it just takes a minute to make a difference in someone’s life.

Live by example – even when it makes you uncomfortable.

May God Bless you all as you begin this new year.


Remember – Brittany lived by the above and showed us how it can change people’s lives in ways we don’t even know or understand! Don’t forget her and what she did for us all. Even in her death.

until later,

M