Author: Grief Blessings

I got the best card today from a student who my daughter went to school with. She is now attending college and felt moved to write me and tell me her feelings about Brittany.

Here it is in part:

…It’s impossible for me to imagine the extent of sorrow you have felt in Brittany’s passing…for me to understand the dark corners and distant dreams – like feeling that has crept into your life. But please know that you and your family are in my thoughts. …. And that Brittany’s memory will never die.

Brittany and I met through theatre.  I was struck right from the first time I met her about how friendly, accepting, an loving she was. Despite anyone else’s attitude towards a person, Brittany was very independent and would accept the person for who they truly were. This always impressed me a great deal.

I only wish I had known Brittany better in the years we shared together at school. And I’ll never forget how she would come up to me and hug me warmly whenever she saw me. It was so very sweet.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to tell you how much I appreciate her presence in my life. For me this is not goodbye, because I believe I will encounter her in the future…in memory, her impact on the world and one day when I pass on myself…

What a wonderful testimony to my daughter’s impact on this girl and many others with whom she came in contact with. We will never know the extent of how many lives she touched until we see her again in heaven.

Many blessings to you all. God continues to work on my heart and the healing that needs to be done. The road is long and I am ready for the journey.

I miss her so much! But she needs me to keep going and telling her story! This is my purpose, at least for now.

until next time,

malissa

One month ago today I lost my only reason for living.  No one knows how painful this is. Most of the time I have a lump in my throat just choking back the overflow of tears. When I get home I sit down and let it go – a huge scream comes out. This is living hell on earth. I pray everyday for healing, I get an occasional remitting of emotion. Then something sparks it again.

I suppose I could go along and not think of her. Cause when I don’t think about her – I do ok. I might even smile. But the moment I begin thinking about her and how much I miss her voice, her smile, her laugh – I have overwhelmed with unimaginable grief. I can’t even share with anyone – because it is so horrific. I just want to die.

But I can’t. I just keep pressing on, praying for more healing, more mercy. I have to believe God hears me and knows I’m at the end of my rope. I’m hanging on by a very thin thread. Just when I think I can’t bare it another minute, I get a sense of calm. I’m sure that is God sending me peace. I just wish it would last longer, I just get enough to catch my breath before the next wave comes.

People wonder why I am losing weight. Well – most of the time – I try and eat. But when you have this much pain and it all hangs in your throat – waiting to be released – well it’s nauseating. I feel like I could throw up at any given moment. So I eat between the tidal waves of emotion. I’m sure my metabolism is high. It’s a lot of work to grieve.

I have so many wonderful friends and family – you know who you are! But I am yet all alone in the emptiness of my loss. I just want so much to stop hurting. Now her birthday is coming up and I am thinking – if I am so overwhelmed with grief now – what’s that day gonna be like. Will I survive it? Then of course, there is the whole Christmas Holiday thing. The christian in me celebrates Christ’s birth and what that means to us – then the mother in me sees this holiday without my girl and the picture looks bleak. She was all I had. It was me and Brit at Christmas. We decorated the tree together – I don’t even want to see that tree. EVER AGAIN!

All of what I have means nothing. I’m a changed person. I am no longer the person you knew. They say grief changes a person. What they don’t say is how.

How can you ever be happy again when you have lost your mother, grandmother and daughter. How can you ever be happy again when everything you held dear is gone? How can you ever be happy again when your world has been forever changed and you don’t know what’s next?

I know – this is tough stuff – but it’s mild compared to living it. 

pray for me. continue to be my friend. love me inspite of my despair – I may survive.

m

Today I wailed. And wailed and wailed. I tried for hours to stuff it back. But it became too overwhelming while I was Michael’s looking for some supplies. I had to put the things I was looking down and leave. I got home and just cried. Missing her so. Knowing she’s never coming back to me here. The quietness of my home is disturbing. I miss her laugh! Her giggles while talking to Andy. I miss telling her to do her homework. I miss the hugs and kisses. But most of all I miss her smell.

Words cannot begin to describle my anguish. I’m broken, incomplete, sad, deprived, gloomy – yet I know by the grace of God, it will get easier – but I don’t believe it will get better – yet.

I have to start to deal with other issues that started this awful trip long before Brittany. In order for me to become the person God intended me to be (not the person I had to become), I must deal with the first person in my life that denied me that – my dad.

I’m assured by God that once I forgive the people who denied me, mistreated me or abused me, my life will start over and I will become who he wanted me to become and I can start my new life.

Scarey, exciting, nauseating and overwhelming.

until later,

m

I go forward, but He is not here,
and backward, but I cannot perceive Him;
When He works on the left hand, I cannot behold Him;
When He turns to the right hand, I cannot see Him.
Be he knows the way that I take.

Sometimes I feel just like Job – and sometimes I know is with me. I talk to God all the time and I was beginning to feel he wasn’t going to talk to me. But I now believe that through someone, who may not know it, God is sending me the very words I need to hear. Although those words make me cry out in anguish – I am also comforted by them.

Grief makes you “get real” with yourself: I will no longer say I’m ok when I’m not. Acknowledging my pain will help me to move to the next level in my process.

Stay with me!

malissa

NOTE: This is a dark look inside my heart which is broken and laying before all to see.

According to the bible it’s ok to grieve. That you must go through the process and feel every, painful, lonely, empty, broken, worthless, and words I can’t even bare to describe, feeling in order to move forward.

How can we be excepted to weep freely, not holding it in and function on a daily basis? Better yet, how can you weep freely with joyful assurance that God is with us. Really. I tried that – it didn’t work so well. I read where you are not suppose to weep like one who has no hope. Again, I’d like to challenge that one.

I’m already tired of the “time will heal”, it’s gonna take more time – I QUIT!!!!!

There will never be a time when life will be ok. I don’t have any other children. I don’t have a boyfriend or spouse. I have many wonderful friends who are being so supportive – but my empty heart is because I no longer have a child that loves me unconditionally. That says she loves me with that great smile – it always made me feel like I could do anything. Now – I hear nothing but my own negative thoughts guided by the Devil.

It’s funny how you always feel the Devil around – but you don’t feel God that way. Why is that? These questions I will be looking into more. I have daily, hourly conversations with God about this – he’s yet to reply. I’m praying, I’m reading the bible and other materials. I’m watching biblical shows and listening to biblical music – yet still my thoughts run rampant thru the valley of darkness. When can I expect some light? I need some light. I need it soon.

I know this all sounds dark – it is. I’m in one of my darkest hours. I will be praying for God to show me something that I can hang onto. I need that now.

Please continue to pray for me while I battle this out. I expect to come out much stronger, but with less of a love for life. For my reason to love life is gone.

until later,

mal

Because I sit alone mourning the loss of my daughter – I have the TV on  to take over the painful quiet of my house.

In watching the rediculous amount of political ads on TV, I am ashamed for our leaders. The mud slinging and personal, IMMATURE, attacks at their opponents is, for at least this voter, embarrassing. Are they not aware that most of us think they are so much about themselves that they are willing to let us see them at their worst. Now in all good faith, can we vote for anyone who attacks their own mankind. That feels so comfortable making nasty comments about people’s intentions. How does that speak to their own convictions and personal soul? 

This is so out of control – I’m so surprised the public is putting up with. If I weren’t dealing with the current loss of my daughter – I’d be writing letters and making phone calls to my local representatives and senators – with a shame on all of you. We should just consider cleaning house and senate and starting over.

I’m embarrased as a US citizen and voter and I’m not sure if I even want to vote – not because I don’t want to be involved – but because I don’t want to give my approval to someone or anyone who thinks its ok to belittle or verbally attack one’s character on national TV.

What does that speak of their soul and of their character? How do we trust them in government to do the job they are voted to do?

Yesterday on a CNN program an 8th grader wrote into the show that was on “Our Broken Government” – he wrote something that made abosolutely common sense to him and it is beginning to make sense to me:

“In school, if we are bad we have to go to time out, or stand outside the classroom or worse yet go to the principle’s office. Sometimes even the bad kids get kicked out of school.” he goes on the ask “Why can’t we do that for the two houses in Washington?” – I ask the same. Are we afraid to make our leaders more accountable?

Something to mull over as you decide on which “person” to vote for on Tuesday.

Vote your values, vote your common sense, do NOT vote in purposeful ignorance for someone just because he/she is in which party. PARTY no longer should be the issue. The person’s record and character should be your voting guide.

good luck on Tuesday

mercedes

I was very  angry and cried most of the day. A complete contrast t the day before. Must have just been building it up. I kicked a few things around and yell and screamed mostly to God. I keep asking for answers – not for why she died – I know that. But what about me – what is my purpose? I am no longer a daughter, granddaughter or mom to the 3 most wonderful women in my life. I was with each one of them at their last breath – giving my appoval of their passage onto a better place. Always leaving me behind – less of a purpose. I feel I have nothing left to give or to have taken away. Im numb to my soul – empty with no desire to stay here.Yet I have to. Kind of like hell on earth.

Pray for me as I continue to listen, look out and study where I go next and what I should do.

m

Yesterday I didn’t cry for the first time since Brittany died. I wonder if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I stayed very busy and then went to the football game where she went to school.

Today – I’m more weepy and somewhat mad. So I must be going back and forth between the stages of grief. I know God is in control – but it’s so hard. The hardest thing I’ve ever had to endure and I’ve had to endure some rough stuff over the years.

This will either make me or break me. I’m trying very hard. So keep me in your prayers – as I will need them all and more.

until later

mal

God sends you messages all the time – it’s our choice to listen. One came my way the other day from an unexpected source.

I woke up today thinking of you. I just wanted you to know that even people who don’t really know you are still praying for you. Once all the family has gone home, and life tries to go back to “normal” that is when things become the toughest after losing someone. I’m sure your days are filled with such sadness that I cannot begin to understand. I had a thought I wanted to share with you. During your days, if you see something or hear something that is funny, remember to laugh. Brittany might just be up in heaven sending things her mom’s way to remind you of her. Let her see you laugh. Just imagine your mother filling her in on all the things you might have done or said as a young girl that you may have forgotten while going through Brittany’s teenage years. Imagine them comparing stories, laughing together and dancing. What a joyous occasion awaits you one day to reunite with them. 

I know God was working on this person’s heart to send this message – he knew I’d read my email – and possibly not be listening for his voice. He chose this way and it worked.

until later,

mal

 

Brittany is in heaven singing and dancing, her work here on earth done.

She touched so many people in ways we don’t know. Keep faithful to God’s Promise…we will join her in heaven singing and dancing. Rejoicing in God’s love for us in eternal life without pain and sorrow.

This is what sustains me in my grief. She got the ultimate healing from God. How thankful I am. I do miss her, but it helps to know she no longer suffers.

May God Bless Everyone!

until next time,

malissa