Category: loss of child

Dreams have eluded my sleep for nearly 2 years now. I’m not exactly sure why, although I’m told that I probably continue to dream, but just don’t recall them.

The last real dream I recall was the dream where Brittany came to visit me about 1-2 months after she died. I remembered in the dream that I had just pulled up behind her father’s car and she got out of the passenger seat of her dad’s car and got into the passenger seat of my car. Then she turned and looked at me and said “mom, the angels came to get me and said I’d be OK”, then she got out of my car and got back into her father’s. I then awoke in a cold sweat and remembered thinking how real that dream felt.

After much thought I believed that God sent me that dream, so that I would know that she was alright. That she was with Him in Heaven.  You see it was during that time that I was questioning the why’s and the what happened’s and asking God for clarity. And he gave me the answer in my dream.

Now after 2 years I am dreaming again. I asked myself why now, why am I dreaming again. Then I realized that I had been asking God again for some answers. Again I have been asking why. Now the dreams are not very nice. They are about what perhaps Brittany would be like today if she had lived through that ordeal. The dream was filled with darkness and pain and suffering. She was not the colorful girl I had come to admire and respect as a young woman. Her eyes had become clouded over and distant for she wasn’t there anymore.

These dreams have visited me for the past few nights and I now know that it was her time. That God chose to take her from this world so she would no longer suffer. For that I am so grateful. I would have never wanted to have my little girl live a life in darkness. For now she lives a life of eternity with God, without pain or suffering.

This morning when I awoke I decided I had to quit asking why and start asking what do you want me to do now? How can I be a blessing to someone else? How can I bring joy and laughter back into my life? Answer – by bringing into someone elses’ – so now I am going to answer that message. I’m going to go out and live the remaining days of my life trying to make a difference.

How about you?

until next time

m

So often grievers spend a large part of their grieving period in what I call the “What If’s” stage. What If’s are statements made by those who were directly involved with the loss of their loved one.

I know from my own personal experience that the “What If’s” stage that it can create a sense of guilt that often, at times, can be very hard to deal with. I spent many nights awake thinking:

What if – I stayed on the doctor’s case more, nagged more

What if – I paid more attention to her that day she complained of a numbness in her hand

What if – I would have demanded the ambulance personnel to address her noted seizure activity, even when they dismissed it.

What if – I would have demanded better healthcare in the months before this all happened

What if – What if – What if

There are alot more What If’s in my mind and heart. So I prayed and prayed to God to help me find peace with all the What If’s. As time as gone on I have come to a peaceful place with most of the What If’s. I realize now that I did all the things that were within my power to save her. Some of the responsibily lies the healthcare providers that were in charge of her care and chose not to deal with it.

Now I know you might think – why didn’t we sue – we chose not to because it is not what we as parents believed God intends for his followers to hurt each other by intention. But what I did do is write a letter to her doctor. A letter asking why he didn’t listen, why he wanted so much to be her doctor and promised to help her and then in the end failed her so miserably. That letter was written to challenge him as a physician to do better and it was written to help me heal. And I believe it has. I harbor no ill feelings toward him.

Cleveland Clinic – I’m still working on. The be-all-end-all facility that promised us a care plan that never came to pass, and sent us home with nothing, not even hope. So my feelings about the CC are still a work in progress. I know that the CC is a great institution and has helped many, many families heal from various types of diseases. However the four days we were there, nothing happened. Nothing that was promised to happen, not even an explanation. It’s as if they didn’t even have the guts to tell us what was wrong. It was only after I challenged the nurse practitioner – nurse-to-nurse, to give it to me straight – did we get some kind of idea what we were up against. That is when I knew things were going to be rough for us until we got some answers. Yet having her die from a seizure a few short weeks later was not something I thought about. It just doesn’t happen that often.

So yes, even as I sit here today and while reading the Sunday paper about a boy killed when he was struck by lightening and reading how his family was stating some “What If’s” – I am still reminded that there are times today 2-1/2 years later that I occasionally visit the “What If’s” again. The hope is in that I know God has a purpose for everything and in everything there is a purpose. The What If’s bring doubt and darkness and Hope in God brings me out of the darkness and into a light that I’m certain as I sit here today that will continue to bring honor and substance to Brittany’s nearly 18 year existence on this earth. She was here for a purpose and that is how I choose to, have to, and need to see it. Every single day, every single minute, and every single second; otherwise it becomes all to unbearable.

until next time

m

I call this topic Game Face because it’s what we do, us grievers – we put on the “game face” so everything appears to be OK. When really it is not. It happened to me a lot in the beginning. I didn’t want anyone to know how badly I was hurting; it was too painful to even look people in the eyes. The fear of letting someone inside what I was feeling was too horrific to me.  I think it may be somewhat of a protective mechanism we use to avoid letting people in. I remember always thinking that if I let someone know how bad I was hurting or what I was thinking that they would try and have me admitted to a mental hospital. Because truth be told – it was very dark stuff.

Now 2-1/2 years later, I have made what I call a “180” in that I really don’t feel I have to hide my feelings, but may find myself explaining them because I am so far out from her angel date. I guess there are some who think grieving has an end date. Well I have news for them – it doesn’t. We just get better at hiding it, staying busy to avoid it. But it is still lurking in the dark places and always waiting for the opportune time to come out. Fortunately for me, it comes out when I am alone. That is why I choose to stay alone. It’s just simpler that way.

What you must understand is that on the outside it starts to look like people are making progress, but dig a little deeper – stay a little longer – ask a few more questions – and you may just find out something more. Or maybe that’s what you are afraid of – you don’t want to know. I know these things to be true, because they happened to me. They happen to others who grieve. I’ve read numerous stories from others who have lost loved ones and the stories may be different but the methodology is the same. We all hide because we get the “vibe” that people just don’t want to know.

Maybe it’s because our loss reminds them of what could happen to them. Maybe it’s all just too much to imagine. I wish I knew why certain people left me. Why certain people assumed I’d be ok on my own. I have come to place where I have made peace with that, but there are many grievers out there right now – feeling what I’m saying.

If there is anything you can take from this at all it should be to stay, be present, show compassion, don’t be afraid, and most of all – show up for no reason and just hang out. The grievers pain lasts forever, and your memory of it does not.

until next time

m

I was reminded today while watching a show on spirituality that I had forgotten a very important aspect of my continued journey on healing. The letting go of who I was. Letting go of who I had become, letting go of what I thought I was to become, and letting go of the life I had come to know and love.

In order to find who I am to become I have to let go of who I had become. For they cannot exist at the same time, in the same space if I am to move forward. Saying that sounds strange, believing in it even stranger. For so long I lived for my daughter. I gave her every part of me. I had to. At least I felt I had to. I don’t know if it was guilt because she became ill at an early age and I wasn’t able to get her the help fast enough to avoid the neurological deficits that were to come or because it was the lack of attention I received as a child. Or was it that I had waited so long to have a child and so grateful to have a child, that I gave all of me to her. I also lost my mother while pregnant with Brittany and maybe the unconscious me was holding on for dear life trying to make sure I didn’t lose her. In the end I did. I lost everything.

In giving everything I had – I lost myself somewhere along the line. I forgot what it was like to just be me. I forgot me. I was living a life that I thought I was suppose to be living. Maybe I was – for that time. Now is the time I have to let that life go. Can I be real here and tell you that the thought of letting that life go and starting over is daunting to me. It takes me to places you don’t want to know. But that was yesterday. Today I realized that it’s time to become the person I was meant to be. It doesn’t mean I am forgetting who I was or that I am forgetting my beautiful sweet Brittany – it just means I’m letting go.

It will be an adventure I’m sure. And those of you who know me, you know you better hold on – in the words of Betty Davis – “It’s gonna be a bumpy ride.” Those of you who don’t know me or know me that well – you will see some incredible things happen – and it will all be because God has given me such strength to persevere and to keep going that I have to do something with it. I can’t hold onto it another minute. The expression of love and desire to help others is where I see myself going and I can’t wait to see what God has in store for me.

until next time

m

Today I read about a young teenage girl who was killed in a car accident near my home. When I hear of these tragedies, especially when they involved girls near my own daughter’s age, my heart immediately aches for their parents.  Then I read about a young boy’s life cut short after losing his life to an unknown heart condition after playing a soccer game.  None of it makes any sense. The shock, the disbelief, the pain, the sorrow, the emptiness, the anger – it all has to come in it’s own time and on it’s own terms.

I will pray tonight for these families because prayer is what kept me in God’s presence during the most difficult time in my life. So many people lifted me up to God during my painful loss and I know that it made all the difference. My heart breaks so easily when I hear of a loss like that of a child. It’s the hardest loss to endure and it’s the longest loss to live with.

until next time

m

Today I heard the story of a woman in the bible named Hannah. You see Hannah was married, but was unable to conceive a child, so her husband took another wife in order to have children. This was a tradition back in those times. Hannah prayed often to God for a child, but it didn’t happen. She was made fun of by her husband’s other wife because she was able to give him children.

Eventually Hannah’s prayers were answered and she was given a son. For whom she offered his life to God. His name was Samuel. Hannah was so grateful for the chance to have this child she gave God praise for this child and God clearly had heard her prayers. He answered them in His time. So often His time is not our time.

The reason I’m writing about this is because our pastor asked us today to take a moment during the service and reflect on the story and whether or not we identified with anyone in the story.

As I sat there I thought to myself, yeah – I identify with Hannah on so many levels. Hannah felt that her life was empty without being have to have a child of her own. She prayed a lot, but it took a long time for her prayers to be answered. I could see a lot of parallel in her story and mine.

It took a long time for me to get pregnant with Brittany. Went through many months of testing and drugs and moments when I just gave up. Then I got pregnant. During that pregnancy lost my mother to Breast Cancer. Then one year later nearly lost Brittany to Encephalitis. And now having experienced the ultimate loss of a child, I feel that bareness that Hannah was feeling and that I was feeling. But now it is too late for me to have another child.

The emptiness in my life extends far beyond the borders of just having lost a child; it involves so much more. I lost so much when my daughter died, some of my friends and family know what I am referring to, but I will not got into that now. But it has been a tough road. I know Hannah’s hurt, I felt her pain as I heard her story – I understood her resolve.

But the message I got today is that I have to continue to believe in prayer and that God will give me what I need as I need it. That his plan for me may not be what I think it is, but in time I will have back plus more what has been taken from me. Hannah believed and so shall I.

until next time

m

Below is an excerpt from my book that I am currently writing about my experience with grief. I felt very compelled to show this to you as I have someone that I know is struggling with grief and loss and it is my hope that this special message that I received in the weeks after my daughter’s death can bring some peace to her.

A Special Message

God sends you messages all the time – it is our choice to listen.  One came my way the other day from an unexpected source.

“I woke up today thinking of you.  I just wanted you to know that even people who don’t really know you are still praying for you.  Once all the family has gone home, and life tries to go back to “normal” that is when things become the toughest after losing someone.  I’m sure your days are filled with such sadness that I cannot begin to understand.  I had a thought I wanted to share with you.  During your days, if you see something or hear something that is funny, remember to laugh.  Brittany might just be up in heaven sending things her mom’s way to remind you of her.  Let her see you laugh. Just imagine your mother filling her in on all the things you might have done or said as a young girl that you may have forgotten while going through Brittany’s teenage years. Imagine them comparing stories, laughing together and dancing.  What a joyous occasion awaits you one day to reunite with them.” – friend

I knew God was working on this person’s heart to send this message – He knew I would read my email – and possibly not be listening for His voice. He chose this way and it worked. I believe  God chooses “messengers” to deliver his answers or messages. There were many days when I would ask God a question and the next day get the answer through a person who either sent a card or an email.

Something to think about if you know someone is hurting – that a letter or an email may be just what they need to help them see some glimmer of hope.

until next time

m

Today proved to be a day that was full of surprises. I know that my last post was very dark and it caused quite the stir among some of my friends. But those who truly know me, know that I MUST write in order to survive. I choose writing instead of medication. I choose words that bleed from my heart so that it can heal from the pain that I feel as I enter an empty home.

Believe when I say that it is not a daily occurrence that I have these moments, but they do still happen and they will always happen from time to time. Unless you have walked in these shoes, you will not or could not know how difficult some days can be. I will not apologize for having moments of grief for my daughter. I will not apologize for wanting her back so bad that I can’t breathe. I will not apologize for wanting the experience of seeing my girl get married and having children. I will not apologize for wanting what you have.

Thanks to many of my closest friends and family, I have made great strides in my journey. And I am a fighter and will continue to keep moving forward. One day hoping to love again. But the journey will not be easy, but it is the journey that will make me a better person. It will be a journey that will honor my daughter’s memory.

The beautiful vision through a fractured vantage point has blossomed into a reflection of what can be if one has great people standing with them. I am blessed to have that.

until next time

m

Yesterday was a very bad day. So bad that I wrote a letter to my friends and family. Then I slept for a few hours hoping that I wouldn’t wake up, but I did thanks to some noisy teenagers outside.

Then I went to bed and woke up thinking why the hell am I still here. How can there be any purpose in staying when all around me my world is shattering. I keep doing what I am suppose to do. I pray, I vision, I believe – yet the opposite is what I attract. Why is that.

I was looking in the mirror this morning and thinking how can I do this again. One more day. But I do. I pick it up and I keep going. Funny thing is I don’t why. It’s just what I do. I spend a lot of time asking God if you want to stay and do work – I need energy, I need hope, I need the black cloud that travels over my head to go away.

I speak to God as if he is my best friend, well he is. I remember while reading the book “The Shack” thinking if God truly showed up and spoke to me in the vision I have in mind of who he is, I’d have a heart attack. So instead he sends people, my friends, and some only people I have met via Twitter or Facebook to me and the messages they bring remind me of what questions I have been asking God. Kind of freaky I know.

But what message I got in speaking of my own misery, I received blossoms of love and friendship from many sources. Sources that I wouldn’t have expected. People I don’t know or know well. People I’ve known for a short time.  These people reminded me that I matter. That what I am here for I do not know, but one day it will come to me and I’ll be glad I made it through these rough spots.

Thanks for hanging with me my friends – you know who you are.

until next time

m

For 31 months now I have lived a life that was not as it seemed. I became two people. One for you and one for me. I put on a face for you to keep the pain at a distance. Mostly because you didn’t understand. You couldn’t and I don’t blame you. But it’s been incredibly hard and with all of the other battles I’ve had to fight the energy has left my body and what has remained is a shell of a person. I’ve glimmers of moments where I thought I could make it throuh, but as it turns out – I cannot. I’m tired. The battle has been more than I can bare. The contant incoming attacks have overcome my abilities to see any future worth pursuing. Yeah maybe I could help others, but when you can’t get a break yourself, it’s hard to extend something you don’t have. Tonight I will re-read Job and then I will sleep.

God Bless You all,

Malissa